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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Celebrating one child families!

193 replies

Mulanmum · 14/10/2008 03:08

I know that a lot of families have one child through cricumstance rather than choice and I'm really pleased that we now have a topic where they can share their sadness and frustration. But to balance it I'd like to start a thread for those of us who have one child by choice and don't feel wistful, cheated or inadequate because we don't have a second, or third, or fourth ...

I belong to a forum for inter-country adopters and one member posted about a second child joining their family "now I feel we are a proper family. When it was just the three of us I felt we were a bit lame".

There was a fab thread in the Parenting section a while ago (anyone do a link?) where people were listing the advantages of having an only child. One member posted that she and her husband "glory" in their DS. I thought that was a lovely choice of word .

It's 3.10 in the morning so I don't really feel like glorying in anything just now but wanted to get this thread started and will add to it when I'm not shattered!

OP posts:
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Jacksmama · 30/10/2008 15:59

How is she today?
DH brought a cold home from his weekend away and everytime DS sneezes he's afraid he got the lo sick... poor man. If he did it won't be the last cold I'm sure... but I hope not.
Haven't been on much because juggling. juggling... DH's birthday was yesterday and I got best wife award - got him a little mini fridge for the downstairs lounge where he watches footie to keep his beer cold. Fridge of course already stocked w/ beer, hence best wife award. Not to mention cooked a roast for dinner and carted it over to his mum's who's just home from hospital so we could all celebrate together! Must get ready for work now... feeling a bit overwhelmed... but to keep all in the spirit of this thread, am happy I only have to worry about DH and one DC!!! More would be a bit tough right now.

teafortwo · 30/10/2008 17:11

We have both had an afternoon of sleeping and cuddling!!! DD is now asking for some food - goooooood sign I think!!!

Jacksmama - I think you will live to regret that present!!!!!!!!!

Jacksmama · 30/10/2008 18:34

Nahhh, if he gets smacked off his tits drinking too much beer he's the one who'll regret it!! LOL!!
Kidding, he's good, knows when to stop -- he loves the thing though, I put a sticker with his favourite American college football team on it and he thought I'd special-ordered it, how sweet.
Two more days until hols? Where are you off to?
I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed a holidayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

teafortwo · 30/10/2008 18:54

photos.linternaute.com/paysville/186083/sidi-bou-said/

It is a small town on the outskirts of Tunis called Sidi Bou Siad in Tunisia! - At this time of year it supposed to be a pretty chilled out place to be! Thanks for asking - I love going on holiday but I also love telling people about where I am going and where I have been - it is fun!!!

Podrick · 30/10/2008 20:53

If you have 2 or more kids it becomes them and us - kids and adults - if there is only only one child it is always "us".

Only children are intoxicatingly delicious to their parents almost all the time.

You can indulge their interests. You can put all your resources into helping them if they need special help (my dd has dyslexia) without taking time away from your other children and feeling guilty.

Only children mesh fabulously into the adult world...they become integrated into the adult world whilst adding their own dimension.

If you have more than one child then you inevitably lose aspects of the relationship that you can only have with an only child.

If you have an only child then you have a unique passport into the world of a child and she has a unique passport into the world of an adult...you can both be tourists into each other's world.

It is a very special bond and a very special relationship and it is beyond me to imagine a more special bond.

Jacksmama · 30/10/2008 21:16

Ohhh, I love that description, "intoxicatingly delicious", that is how I feel about DS. Some days I just want to eat him up, every little inch of him. It's so interesting watching him grow and change. Have just today posted some pics of him on profile - I can't believe he's 8 1/2 months, where has the time gone??

T4, I am soooo jealous. Tunisia sounds fab. My father, step-mum and half-sib live in Germany so they get to go to what to me are such exotic destinations around Europe, Africa and the Med. For us it's California or Arizona usually, but I've also been pushing for Hawaii - guess it's in the eye of the beholder because they're jealous of us. Hope DD feels completely well by the time you get on the plane. Travelling w/ sick child - ugh!!! BTW, don't know if it's too late but have just heard of fabulous homeopathic children's remedy called Lycopodium (or Lycopodeum? not sure), as well as Pulsatilla, for vomiting illnesses in children. Perhaps worth a try?

SoupDragon · 30/10/2008 21:17

"Only children are intoxicatingly delicious to their parents almost all the time."

Oh FFS what a load of BOLLOCKS.

SoupDragon · 30/10/2008 21:20

Podrick, you are talking absolute nonsense.

arabicabean · 30/10/2008 21:54

Podrick - what a lovely post. I am an only and that was what it was like for me growing up. I know exactly what you mean about the very special bond you have with your parents. I have an only child and I hope that he has as wonderful a childhood as I had.

hatrickortreat · 30/10/2008 22:03

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daisy99malign · 31/10/2008 00:30

T4T I hope you have a wonderful holiday and your DD is feeling better

hunkermunker · 31/10/2008 00:40

Thing is, people who have more than one generally have experience of having just one (unless they have had twins or more first off).

Then, when they have more, they realise that it's perfectly possible to glory in each of them, to find them intoxicatingly delicious, even.

I think it's perfectly possible to be happy with your decision to have an only and some of you on this thread have written lovely things about it - where it lacks is when people are sneering at people who have more than one, as if it's some sort of ridiculous thing to do; somehow diluting the love they feel for their children. That's a shame - why can't you be happy for the way your life is without slating somebody else's?

hatrickortreat · 31/10/2008 00:46

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daisy99malign · 31/10/2008 02:37

Hi Hunker and Hattrick

I have lurked and read this post rather than contribute. I have one DS and am happy. I know many more friends and families with lots of DCs and that is a wonderful way to live life too

For all of us as Mums (all of us as people!) there are times when things are pants and there are times when we have to make do with situations that were not of our choosing

If I understand this thread, the intention was to seek positives in the one child family because for the majority of posters it was not a choice but a situation that arose and often arose with no little heartache

On that ground I think we can all sympathise and indeed enjoy the attempts to be parents who "glory" in our children

I agree that at times it can come across a bit wrong - suggesting other life choices are inferior, but I put that down to being a bit over zealous in the positive attempt to like having one than a serious belief that larger families are in any way bad

IYSWIM?

I might, of course, have got it all wrong!!

bye bye!

daisy99malign · 31/10/2008 02:39

... and also I suspect that if you want more than one child you often look at your only and think "poor DC".... for this that or the other

rather than on this thread emphasising "lucky DC"....

Jacksmama · 31/10/2008 03:02

I think Daisy has it absolutely right. Some people have an only by choice and some by circumstance. So regardless of why, let's enjoy what we have and not put down anyone else's choices/ circumstances and hope they can do the same for us.

I am now going to peek into my DS's room and GLORY in the fact that he is sleeping... I had to work today so he was with DH and apparently they had a crap day... lots of crying and crankiness (perhaps teething?) and weariness on both sides... I think both were happy to see Jacksmama when I came home!! So sitting here with a glass of vino and checking out who's up at 4 am on your side of the world is my way of relaxing.
Peace and love to all! (But am still jealous of teafortwo for pissing off to Tunisia for hols... I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED a holiday!!!!!)

daisy99malign · 31/10/2008 03:41

Hi Jacksmama
I am beyond Vino, am on instant coffee trying to finish my work

DH and DS had day together today and had a wonderful time - they lost shoes and trousers (some of each) and got wet and muddy and had a Top Boy Day.

Not sure which enjoyed it more. They are both in bed upstairs snoring

roll on hols YEAH- I will just hang out for the weekend!

lovely vibes

Jacksmama · 31/10/2008 03:49

Who lost shoes and who lost trousers? LOL!!
Still on vino... had one slight awakening (DS) and Dh is sitting half-comatose on couch... long day for all of us.
Why are you working at 4:48 in the morning????

daisy99malign · 31/10/2008 04:47

DH lost shoes and DS lost trousers
something to do with washing the car - but I don't really want to know!

Working because when I came back from work early (5pm) to see my lovely half dressed boys and watch thomas the tank engine and do supper and then make a halloween costume and then bath and bed one boy and drink wine and eat supper with other boy

but I still have a big meeting tomorrow and they won't appreciate my carved pumpkin head as they should

take care

Podrick · 31/10/2008 06:46

soupdragon, two other posters know what I am talking about from their own experiences, if you don't happen to feel like this yourself there is no need to swear and claim it is nonsense, especially when you don't actually have an only child iirc. Why just turn up on a thread to denigrate other peoples experiences?

SoupDragon · 31/10/2008 08:24

Podrick, your post is nonsense because you can replace the word "only" with "some". Obviously I have had an only child, pretty much everyone has.

All children are intoxicatingly delicious to their parents most of the time. Some children mesh beautifully with the adult world (I know all 3 of mine do) Only children mesh fabulously into the adult world...they become integrated into the adult world whilst adding their own dimension. If you have any number of children then you have a passport into the world of children and they have one into the world of an adult...you can all be tourists into each other's world.

You say having an only is a very special bond and a very special relationship and it is beyond you to imagine a more special bond. Well, I have that relationship with each of my very different children so try to imagine your relationship expanded three ways. That special bond is something you have with your child no matter how many of them you have.

"If you have more than one child then you inevitably lose aspects of the relationship that you can only have with an only child."

Oh, but you gain so much and love is not a pie to be shared out. There's an infinite amount of it to go round.

I have no feelings one way or another about one child families. We get the families we get regardless of what we think we want and those are the families we have and love. I don't think having several is better or worse than having many or just one. I had just one for 2 years so I know what it's like to focus on a single child. I don't feel any differently about the next 2 SmallDragons though.

I actually found your post really horrid due to the implications it made about bigger families. Just because we spread our attention between more than one child doesn't mean that any child gets less than they need or deserve or that we have to feel guilty as your post said we should. Just because we have more than one doesn't mean they don't fulfil any of the other things you claim to be unique to onlies.

SoupDragon · 31/10/2008 08:29

Yes, Podrick, two posters agreed with you but I can guarantee that many more posters would agree with me when I said those comments apply equally to children with siblings.

Podrick · 31/10/2008 09:15

Soupdragon there were no negatives about larger families in my post, this is completely in your own head and not in mine.

I have not tried to set out a balanced critique of the pros and cons of different family size. I have joined in a celebration thread about the pros of only children. It is my subjective view that I have shared.

I am fed up with people trying to turn everything about only children into some kind of competition about whether a bigger family is better than an only child or vice versa and this thread was to try to move away from that way of thinking.

hatrickortreat · 31/10/2008 09:21

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Podrick · 31/10/2008 09:30

One key aspect is the intensity of the relationship. Akin to if you have 3 best friends rather than one then the relationship with each is less intense. And before anyone thinks we are on combatnet not mumsnet I don't mean this intensity is of itself good or bad, but it is different.

Only children have all of your child-centred focus and attention and this is different and makes for a different relationship.