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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Do other people make you feel guilty...

80 replies

coochybottom · 09/10/2008 19:22

...for only having one child??? I tried for several years before we managed to have more children[spontaniously had twins,tried too hard]. In that time I found other peoples attitudes to the fact I only had one got me down,especially as I was trying for another. I now realise that they are only jealous of the peace and quiet and civilised living that I have now left behind...

Congrats on the new topic, by the way!!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MorticiaAnnSpookington · 09/10/2008 19:23

no they don't - I don't give a toss what other people think

Reallytired · 09/10/2008 19:28

lol ... I am expecting my second child and my son will be seven years old when bump lands. I know all kinds of busy bodies who think I have done my son irrepairable harm because he has no sibblings.

I think that its not worth allowing other people to make you feel guilty about the circumstance/ decisions/ lack of luck in ttc.
It is not possible to give our children everything and sometimes its not possible to give them a sibbling close in age.

Onlymeandmydog · 09/10/2008 19:30

I don't think so, quite the opposite. I wonder if that is a reflection on me!

muggglewump · 09/10/2008 19:33

No.
I have been told I'm selfish, and was once told I'm not only selfish for have an only, I was even more selfish for not having a baby for my ex (then current bf), even though he was fine with never having kids.
It didn't make me feel guilty, just incredibly angry.

I've found that waht other folk can't get their head round is that this is the best choice for my family, as in DD and I.
Why on earth would anyone who isn't affected by it anyway want me to do something I desperately don't want to do, that would be detrimental to us?

Overmydeadbody · 09/10/2008 19:36

No.

No one has ever mentioned the fact that I only have one child, or asked if I will have more. Nor have I ever been called selfish.

AMumInScotland · 09/10/2008 20:04

I don't think anyone's ever made me feel selfish or guilty about it. But I suspect that's because the people whose opinions I care about are fairly nice and polite, so they keep their thoughts to themselves (if they have them). I think "bemusement" is the most usual reaction I've encountered - just a sort of basic disbelief that anyone would do such a thing!

Jux · 09/10/2008 20:15

Yeah, particularly mil who thought I was a vessel producing grandchildren for her and had no other purpose. DH originally wanted 2 (originally I didn't want ANY!) but has decided that one is fine, especially as he is convinced that my pregnancy also brought on my ms (might have actually). We couldn't cope with more than 1, and dd is delightful and perfect (not in a pfb way, though I do that too!).

MIL I ignore most of the time as she hasn't 2 brain cells to rub together and is fundamentally dishonest and now we live 150 miles away and she isn't popping in all the time, I can.

Oh dear, I do sound bitter!

slayerette · 09/10/2008 20:24

I was not just made to feel guilty, I was told I was cruel for denying my ds a sibling. This was several years ago now but the memory of it is still razor-sharp in my mind. I don't think I'll ever be able to feel completely at peace with my choice as a result even though I really don't want another child.

TotalChaos · 09/10/2008 20:25

They try but it's none of the f*cking business quite frankly.

MeMySonAndI · 09/10/2008 20:28

Guilty??? for what?

Actually, I live in an environment where most people I know have only one or too much things to do to worry about our choices.

teafortwo · 09/10/2008 20:33

I have never been called 'selfish' but people say "I think it is better for the child to have a sister or brother" and "If I was you I would have at least one more." I give them a "Well, everyone is different" answer and they smile and say "You will change your mind!"

This makes me doubt myself - I look at my dd and think - "I thought I was being a good Mum by just having you. You have seen and experienced many things in life because I have the time to spend with you and the money to finance these things... but maybe I am getting it all wrong -??? - Then the few times she has ever snatched a toy or doesn't join in I hear these comments re-run in my imagination - and I panic "Am I getting it all wrong?"

But, then my stronger side kicks in and I think NO I seriously believe something that feels this right can't be wrong...

And with that sentence Teafortwo sneaks off to write a girlband pop song!

BananaFruitBat · 09/10/2008 20:37

If one more person asks me when I'm going to have another I shall scream.

witcheseve · 09/10/2008 20:37

Not other people no, just DD. She would have loved to have a sibling. She has half brothers and a sister but is only seeing them regularly recently.

mewerewolvesarehowling · 09/10/2008 20:45

The only person who's ever made me feel guilty about having just one is my one DD.

She's realised that other kids at preschool have siblings and is now going through a phase of asking for a brother or sister.

She's recently started inventing imaginary friends, I think to compensate.

LurkerOfTheUniverse · 09/10/2008 21:47

mewerewolvesarehowling, i have the same thing with my dd

she often says ' i wish i had a sister'

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 09/10/2008 21:51

As I was ancient when my daughter was born, I doubt that anyone thought I could or should have any more! Nor has anyone ever made me feel guilty, although one acquaintance has occasionally intimated that real parenting only starts when you have two children.

My daughter, I think, has now accepted that she won't have a sibling.

NotAnOtterinaPoolOfSpew · 09/10/2008 21:52

lol madbad how old is 'ancient?'

Rindercella · 09/10/2008 22:00

TotalChaos, totally agree with you...people try to make me feel guilty, but I know we will not have another child. DD is only 13 mo, but several months ago DH and I made the decision that we would not have any more children. We are 100% happy with that decision, but we always get comments, asking when we're going to have another; how it isn't fair on DD to be an only child; how only children are spoilt and have no regard for other people, can't share things, etc.

I don't give a stuff what people think or say. We know we have a fantastic little family and it works for us.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 09/10/2008 22:04

Notanotter - lovely name, lovely imagery!

Don't mention it to anyone else, but I was (audible gasp) 40.

Original poster

coochybottom · 09/10/2008 22:07

Rinders I too decided I only wanted one after my DS was born. 5years later I changed my mind. It then took me 4years to get pregnant again!!!

OP posts:

balismum · 09/10/2008 22:11

also have a one. it's lovely. she tells people she has a brother and a sister!!

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 09/10/2008 22:15

My daughter tells everyone she has a god-sister (daughter of her godmother and also my husband's god-daughter).

Yanda · 09/10/2008 22:16

Yes, I was once told that I was selfish for having a contraceptive implant and stopping DD from ever having a sibling I am apparently hindering her normality in some way as she will not grow up in a normal family.

looseleaf · 09/10/2008 22:18

My in-laws have always openly said my SIL should have another (her son's 19 now and she still could as had him v young so now and again wonders) but I respect her for packing a lot in with her career too and they are a lovely content family. I don't think she feels guilty and she was one of 8 herself!
As for me I don't feel guilty as don't have a choice and anyway our family of 3 feels just lovely to me!

DontCallMeBaby · 09/10/2008 22:18

I tweak the Eleanor Roosevelt quote (no one can make you feel inferior without your consent) when these thoughts cross my mind - likewise, no one can MAKE you feel guilty, although they bloody well can say things designed to make you feel guilty.

There have been a few 'are you having another?' 'no' 'oh, but you must' exchanges, but the only real guilt-trip one was from my mum. But it was so bizarre - DD was tiny, and I was already beginning to say I wouldn't do it again, and my mum said it wasn't fair, if she was an only child it would mean she had no brothers and sisters.

To be fair, my mum is an only, and not a very happy one, so she could have twisted the knife constantly over the last 4+ years, and has been good enough not to.

However, I make myself feel guilty ALL the time.

mewerewolves - 'they' (psychologists and whatnot) reckon imaginary friends aren't and indication of loneliness or anything, just something some children do. Mind you, my DD currently has SIX, which seems a bit like overkill to me.

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