Do other people make you feel guilty...

[coochybottom]

...for only having one child??? I tried for several years before we managed to have more children[spontaniously had twins,tried too hard]. In that time I found other peoples attitudes to the fact I only had one got me down,especially as I was trying for another. I now realise that they are only jealous of the peace and quiet and civilised living that I have now left behind...

Congrats on the new topic, by the way!!!

Guitargirl, that's an interesting opposing experience to the sort of thing many of us have had! How weird - I mean, despite having an only I do regard two or three as the 'norm' and wouldn't look askance at anyone wanting that. In fact it's kind of nice to read a few people here having genuinely no desire to have a second, no broodiness or anything, as I have felt I'm a bit peculiar for that.

I wonder if your mum feels like your having a second child is a criticism of her? I would like to think if DD grows up to have two (or more) children one day I wouldn't read 'I had such a ghastly time as an only that I HAVE to have more children' into it (well, not unless she explicitly said so ).

It makes me wonder if my grandmother might have felt that way - my mum was a pretty unhappy only, and I'm fairly sure if she hadn't have been, I might have ended up an only myself (if that makes sense).

Don'tCallMeBaby - Have spent some time looking at my family's dynamic to kind of figure out where my Mum is coming from. Both my parents are the middle of three siblings although my Dad is a twin he is the 'second born' so technically a middle child, just about! Mum openly admits that she is a classic 'middle child'. I think they have both had sibling rivalry issues growing up and that combined with a difficult pregnancy and birth having me and long-lasting PND meant that they chose to have only one child. When I was a child I remember asking why I couldn't have a sister and my Mum's response was always 'it's not all it's cracked up to be', etc. (she has 2 sisters!). As an adult I have never expressed any criticism of the choices they made.

However, I do not want DD to be an only NOT because of any experience that I have had but as I am an only child and DP has one childless sister who lives abroad if DD has no siblings then am afraid that as she gets older she is not going to have much of a family around her. I was an only child but surrounded by cousins who I am still close to. Without any cousins DD will have no-one her own generation if there are no brothers or sisters.

Before I got pregnant my Mum spent a lot of time going on about how difficult it is having more than one child, now that I am pregnant I thought she would stop but she hasn't. I have never mentioned the lack of DD siblings/cousins concerns to Mum as am afraid she would take it as an implied criticism of her so I keep quiet for the sake of peace but it's very difficult when she asks for the nth time how am going to cope with 2...

I think she thinks that as I am an only child I have a rose-tinted view of what having a brother or sister means and am going to have a shock if DD and DC2 don't get along. Maybe she's right!

As for MIL, well she has her own issues, she seems to believe deep down that DD is actually her daughter but am not going to go into that now!

I've found that it's the people who don't know me ask about having another one (even though DD is still only 9mo), but it's weird as they're asking about your sex life, finances and living arrangements all rolled into one.

I think as soon as you become a parent people think it's OK to give you unasked for advice and opinions. I was asked by an elderley gentleman whilst walking my dog with DD in the pushchair whether I was breastfeeding - WTF? I was but what if I wasn't? It showed me that you're never safe from prying people!

Yes, my mum every time I see her (thankfully) only 3 times a year manages to say that I am not a 'real' mother because I only have DD. DH was sterilised several years ago so she is hardly going to change our minds for us! She drives me mad.

She also says that I am not a 'real' mother because I work for a living.

Most people ask when I am going to have another even though they know that our DS (3 and 10 months) took seven years and 10 IVF attempts? I just tell them I don't think so. DS is also a triumph of fertility medicine. I make myself feel guilty all the time, when I think i am depriving DS of a sibling, but he is perfectly content and often tells me that he is my baby and he doesn't want a brother or sister. (I think he sees the attention deprivation of his friends when they get siblings!)

haven't read whole thread so sorry if this repeats earlier posts - what gets me is that people assume you're going to have another one. the blithe "so when is no 2 coming?" is such a smug assumption. people, no matter how well-meaning, rarely stop to think that you may have some very good, very personal reasons for not wanting to or being able to have another child, which you may not wish to share with a virtual stranger at a toddler group.

they annoy me almost as much as people who ask when you're going to have the first one or make it obvious that they think you're pregnant when you're not drinking in those first few weeks of pregnancy!

MadBad & coochy ? I do think that my baby is perfect! When I said it previously it was meant as a biased subjective opinion, not as an objective appraisal. I?m allowed to be biased about my own baby, aren?t I? Don?t all mothers think the world of their baby? As for a necessary self-defence due to no chance of another, well that doesn?t apply here. I have a couple of frozen embryos, so could go back and try again fairly easily. If that failed, I could do more IVF cycles. Also, no traumatic birth experiences to speak of, in fact the opposite as I chose to have a consultant led delivery at a certain women and children?s hospital.

I am where I am with one child by choice. I could have further exercised my IVF options, but chose not to. I could also have afforded more children. I am content with the family dynamic I have and contented is a good place to be. This is coming from someone who is very driven and has the usual traits of such a personality type.

people have tried to and have also called me selfish and cruel on dd. i, however, am one of 3 and i always felt left out as they "ganged up". it is still the same now, tho my (few) rl friends think sis is jealous. i feel that i have been able to provide dd with a lot more time, not necessarily material things, than i maybe might have done.

Our DD is 4 and we are not having another - even though I never thought I'd just have one as I'm an only myself.

I've been waivering a fair bit this year, but when I think of the constant sickness & nausea, horrendous birth and first few months, I soon realise we're doing the right thing.

There's the financial and practical considerations too, but mostly the fact I have a very underactive thyroid and suffered v. v. bad PND after DD was born. If I had another and went through the same again DD would be very aware of what was going on, and having watched my mum have a breakdown when I was 6YO, there is no way I would put my own child through that.

I suspect they'll always be a small part of me that wonders 'what if?', but at the end of the day I'd rather do the right thing for the family I already have than worry about adding a new person to it.

There seems to be a lot of 'competitive breeding' about now. People can have fifty kids if they want, but I don't see why they have to make remarks about other people's family size. I have two dcs, but I'm regularly asked at the school gate why I only have two, and one stupid woman said a real family started at three children. I wanted to push her smug silly face in.

I completely respect all your views but all I can say is that for myself being an only child is crap.

Even more so now I think since I have become a Mum. I would love to have some siblings to talk to - yes I have friends and parents are still alive but God I miss the relationships I could have had.

Also I don't feel I could ever emigrate or move too far away from my parents as I'm one (they want me to just be happy and this is totally unspoken iyswim) Plus bring Grandchildren into the scenario their ONLY grandchildren - moving away I would feel guilty all the time.

Then there is the possibility of 'caring' for them when they are elderly; having no one to share that responsibility with

It's probably unfair of me to post this and I don't want anyone to feel guilty but if you're not an only yourself you can't possibly know what it is like imo.

I know what it is like to have both my only d brother died when I was 14 the age gap was 18 months I've been an only now for 10 years and I hate being the center; all the unsaid pressure, (which inevitably is there) and the limelight.

I think if anyone is wavering with the idea of having another then do it! Siblings are a total blessing throughout your entire life not just in childhood.

Sorry SO long!

er, dh does...
we haven't decided not to have another. in theory i dont want ds to be an only. its just in practice im so bloody knackered that the thought of being pregnant now and sick and tired and all the rest of it makes me keep wanting to put it off (tho i know i cant forever because im late 30s)
i don't myself have a desire for another child: i love ds to bits but that doesn't make me want another one, i am not remotely broody. i do want him to have a sibling tho so would have another for his sake: i can see how much fun he gets out of playing with his cousins who are a similar age.
but reading these posts has made me wonder - does he NEED a sibling, or am i just being guilt-tripped into thinking he does? i get a huge amount out of my relationship with my sister which is partly what makes me think he does but then dh is an only and is relatively well-adjusted (well, relatively...)
anyway it may all be a moot point as not sure i will be able to conceive again. but i think people who make parents of onlys feel guilty should stop and think for a minute - there are a hell of a lot of people, and as the average age of conception gets older there will be a lot more, who would've wanted more than one but started families late and found by the time it got to the second they just couldn't.

pinktree you may not be missing out. My Mum is one of 4, and when her mother became old and senile the siblings fell out big time about care arrangements, who did too much who did too little. They were still bickering at the funeral when their mum eventually died. My mum and her 2 sisters believe that their mum had a favourite daughter and this has affected their sibling relationship in a negative way.

I LOVE being an only child. I'm really close to both of my parents and have always felt like their number one priority. I hope my dd (who will be an olny) grows up feeling the same.

Woodstock3 I think we must have been separated at birth. I am going through exactly the same thought process as you at the moment: DS is one, I'm not feeling broody (v difficult birth and early months, plus I adore DS so insanely that I kind of feel like he's enough for me), but I'm trying to decide whether I should have another baby for his sake. I also have a very close relationship with my sister, which makes me think maybe I should. The only difference here is that DH would be very happy to stick with one, so I don't have that pressure.

I do get the odd old lady in the doctors, shops etc going "ooooh but you can't let her be an only child thats cruel" as if it's going to emotionally scar her for life but I tend to try to ignore it.

I think that what you have gone through with the death of a close sibling, pinktree, must inevitably colour your view of being an "only". I think that it is true that the love that a person has for a sibling is irreplacable (even when their is tension or rivalry) and so the loss of your brother must have been one of the events with the greatest impact in your young life (sorry if I am being presumptious)

However, I do think that it is not quite the same for a child who has never had a brother or sister in the first place because, to some degree, they don't know what they are missing.

I think that the whole idea that having only one child is not a "real family" is utterly ridiculous. I am pregnant with no 2, ds is almost 4, and I have never felt that we are not a family. We are a very tight knit family of 3. I am having another child because dh and I want one, not to "give ds a sibling". Of course, with luck, the children will eventually get along - there is an age gap - but I also know that part of me will mourn the happy little unit that was just the three of us, even though I am excited and delighted to be pg again.

"Is it selfish not to have more?" - what about "is it selfish to have any in the first place?"
I'm posting on here, so obviously I've made the selfish decision once, but does anyone around here ever think about the fact there will be 9 billion people on earth by 2050 and that there isn't enough food and water to go round now with only 6 billion people?

Each extra baby you decide to have now is pretty likely to be alive and fighting for oxygen/space/food/water in 2050. With climate change and desertification, there will be massive population movements into areas like Europe... and lots of fighting over who gets the food and water.

Those of you getting told you're being selfish for only having one kid can possibly retort that you don't want to condemn more than one baby to a life of uncertainty that will make WW2 Europe look like a picnic....

I hadn't planned to have kids,and before DS1 I had a few people telling me that I was selfish and they didn't get the point of my husband and I getting married if it wasn't to have a family. After I had one (a lovely accident with a bit of alcohol involved) a few people asked me when the second one would come along. I got pregnant (classic story) when breastfeeding, so accident number two. People can judge me for being stupid enough to have two accidents.

I do not judge people who decide to have no chilren, or one, or two, but I find myself saying 'oh god, threekids, that's seriously hard work' and 'wow four kids!!! you must be crazy' so we all judge, in one way or another.

Also, three of my bestest friends are trying for a second child, for a long time, and have all three had miscariages.

I think that families with one child look lovely.

I'm happy with two but would love a third child. However childcare costs put me right off. We struggle as it is even though we both have good jobs and as I'm pt we only need 3 days with our childminder. I think people's decisions to have 0 or lots of kids is entirely their business and little to do with selfishness.
It really galls me that people in the UK like me have to base these big life decisions on finances.

LO is 7 months old, I'm 36 and DH is 42.
I don't know if i can cope with more than one child and I don't think DH wants to have a baby when he's 50, but i don't think i want to have another one until LO is at school.
LO may well be our only child. This is a gut feeling but it may change.

I do worry thought that if anything happened to LO, what would DH and I do.

I get the opposite reaction. If I mention that I'm saving clothes etc "in case of number two." My nana goes off on a rant about how I can't manage with the one I have etc etc (DD is 11 months old and I'm a single mum, but with a boyfriend who lives away at uni and is not DD's father)
Me and my boyfriend have both said we'd like another child AT SOME POINT. But my Nana seems to think we're gonna start recreating asap.

I want to wait till DD is well out of nappies and possibly even at school etc. Ideally we want to wait for my boyfriend to finish his Uni course + future uni plans Which will be about 5 or 6 years anyway. Which suits me fine. I want my DD to be able to understand things more if a brother or sister comes along. I want her to be able to help out so she feels involved more etc.

I'm an Only but was brought up by my Nana with my two cousins. So I'm a strange one! I'm an Only with Kinda-Siblings! lol! And when I was in Fostercare there were always AT LEAST another 3 or 4 kids, plus my foster mum's grown up children popping by all the time. Always a full house.

Sorry for long post! Lol!!

I get told this and I am sick to death of beign asked when/if I'm planign another one. What gets me is a) why peopel who dont' actually know you at all well think they can comment on your choices and b) how even when I give my reasons they STILL say I am selfish or that DS needs a sibling.

Where on earth do they get the idea that siblings get on? OH has 3 siblings, two of which he doesn't talk to and one of which spent most of their childhood trying to kill him.

Leaving aside that the fact that DS has SN, I had PND very badly, I have a chronic neurological condition which got MUCH worse after pregnancy and labour, there's a bloody credit crunch, the world is overpopulated, we dont' want any more kids, and those are just some of our reasons!

GPs are the worst sometimes, I wouldn't mind if they helped out more but to see me barely managing to keep my head above water as it is and then go on about wanting more grandkids is just bloody rude.

nobody makes me feel guilty.
just angry whne they think they have the right to comment.
i personally feel i can be there more for dd by only having one and how many siblings grow up dealing with their parent shaving favourites etc.
i did and it sucks