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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Do other people make you feel guilty...

80 replies

coochybottom · 09/10/2008 19:22

...for only having one child??? I tried for several years before we managed to have more children[spontaniously had twins,tried too hard]. In that time I found other peoples attitudes to the fact I only had one got me down,especially as I was trying for another. I now realise that they are only jealous of the peace and quiet and civilised living that I have now left behind...

Congrats on the new topic, by the way!!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

arabicabean · 09/10/2008 22:31

Why should being able to commit considerable time and financial resources to the raising of a single child be guilt inducing?

My baby is a triumph of technology over biology and that feels good. I never feel guilty about having an only child. It is very simple for my husband and myself - our baby is all we could ever want. Another would be a poor second as you can't improve on perfection! Well, that's how we feel.

I'm an only and I would have absolutely hated a sibling.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 09/10/2008 22:36

... My baby is a triumph of technology over biology and that feels good. I never feel guilty about having an only child. It is very simple for my husband and myself - our baby is all we could ever want. Another would be a poor second as you can't improve on perfection! Well, that's how we feel....

I wish I had said that.

Original poster

coochybottom · 09/10/2008 22:42

No one is perfection..could be setting her up for a fall.

OP posts:

NotAnOtterinaPoolOfSpew · 09/10/2008 22:46

madbad i have just had one at 40

dont feel old!

ohidontknow · 09/10/2008 22:53

Think it is terrible that subsequent children would be "second best". I love all my children the same. I am sure you would too if you had any more.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 09/10/2008 22:58

Coochy - Yes, very true. I don't want my child to be so over-confident that she has 'issues' in later life. I would never seriously say that she (or anyone else) was perfect, but I guess what I took from arabica's post is that, from where we started (massive fertility problems), having produced a gorgeous, funny daughter is about as good as it gets, or perfect for short.

Notanotter - I don't feel old. I think one of the blessings of having a child late is that it can make you feel young, because you spend so much time at playgroups and so on with people who are so much younger than you (or, at least, I did). But I am also very much aware that my contemporaries now have children who are teenagers (or older) and taxi-ing my child to after school classes while they are going to university open days does make me feel a bit creaky - I'll be doing that when I'm sixty!

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 09/10/2008 23:03

ohidontknow - Yes, true again. But from the moment I was pregnant I knew that it would be my first and last pregnancy, so discussions about how I would feel about a second child really don't mean anything. I think that, for those of us who have absolutely no chance of having a second child, believing that our one and only child is perfect (for which read as good as it gets) is a necessary self-defence.

Original poster

coochybottom · 09/10/2008 23:04

I am 42 and have DS 15 and DTs nearly 6. Big gap due to ttc for ages. I do think little ones keep you young. We would certainly do much more stiing down without them. I find I have 2 sets of friends. Some with teenagers who understand and some with little ones who are going through it for the 1st time. Makes me feel a bit of an odd ball at times!

OP posts:

VeronicaMars · 09/10/2008 23:08

DD was born after a successful course of IVF. We are truly blessed and I always said that if we have just one then that would be a miracle. We are so happy to have just her and if we have another then of course it will be another miracle that we will love and dote on just as much but....at the moment the spare money for a course of IVF just isn't there and my only worry is that when dd is grown up and we're gone she won't have any 'immediate' family. Of course she could have a wonderful husband and children of her own....but what if she doesn't?

Original poster

coochybottom · 09/10/2008 23:09

I know someone who had IVF and has gone on to have 2 more "naturally" and is epecting her 3rd!!

OP posts:

Original poster

coochybottom · 09/10/2008 23:10

Not 3rd, I meant 4th!!!!

OP posts:

QOD · 09/10/2008 23:10

my dd went thru a stage of wanting to claim her biological mothers son as her brother... I mean i KNOW he is, at least her half brother.... but it was/is far too complicated to get into all that.
nightmare.
Bless her, she does understand, and has got over wanting one now her friends cute little baby brothers are annoying 3 and 4 year olds!

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 09/10/2008 23:13

veronica - I sometimes worry about that but I know of plenty of families where adult siblings are not close (or barely have any sort of relationship), so I don't think that having a sibling would necessarily be the answer. I hope my daughter will be an outgoing, confident person who will be able to make good friends who will be her family.

SmugColditz · 09/10/2008 23:14

I would have loved to be an only child. My life would have been great.

muggglewump · 09/10/2008 23:15

ohidontknow
I've always been sure I wouldn't love a subsequent child as much as DD, but I think the main point for me is that I don't want another to find out. I can't have more anyway, I chose to be sterilised earlier this year.

I don't think for a second that people with more than one child don't love them equally though, I know that's not true.

VeronicaMars · 09/10/2008 23:30

Coochy I know a couple who got pregnant naturally after having a baby through ivf as well, God knows we've been trying but no luck. I really think if the IVF thing goes ahead it will be in about two years when dd starts school. I have a friend who has made a comment about hurrying up so there is not a big age gap. Talk about insensitive.
I hope my eggs stay young!
My mother has two sisters and is always falling out with them so I suppose it's not always rosey.

Rindercella · 10/10/2008 00:03

Gawd Coochy, if I wait 9 years before I have another child I'll be blardy ancient...would require more than a minor technical miracle to get me pregnant then!! I know I won't change my mind and I also know that DH won't change his. We are both delighted with our decision.

Rindercella · 10/10/2008 00:04

or even a minor medical miracle

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/10/2008 09:53

We decided we only wanted the one child and he's now nearly six and we haven't changed our minds.

I often get asked why we havent had another or are we planning to, i simply tell them our choice is one child and we are happy with that.

Having siblings does not guarantee they will get on, I have siblings but an only close to one brother so life doesnt always work out as expected.

I have the time, energy and finances to give DS a good life, having a second child would put a strain on all those things.

Having looked after more than one child and the cnstant bickering, not sharing etc made me realise an only has good points in other areas

Cantmakedecisions · 10/10/2008 10:31

After our son was born, we decided not to have any more but I have to say that the only person who made me feel guilty about it was myself! I was an only child and have always hated not having siblings-always felt like a life sentence to me and worse as I've go older. Consequently we have just produced another child! I have to say that 2 is bl**dy hard work though!! I look back fondly on my days as mother-of-one- the grass is always greener....!!

I think that only children are often incredibly mature and self-sufficient so DON'T feel guilty.....

snowleopard · 10/10/2008 10:42

I only have the one, would like another but it hasn't happened yet, and DS is 3 so many of his contemporaries now have little siblings. My mum goes on about how good it would be for him to have another, but I ignore her. However, there is a difference between what we can do and what friends with two small children can do, and that can make me feel guilty /be a PITA (depending on my mood!). If I suggest going to the museum or beach or on a train trip somewhere interesting for the day, I tend to get "Oooh no I think that's a bit too much palaver, let's just go to the park." So I often do these interesting days out with just DS because I can't get the mums of 2 to come.

OTOH I'm jealous of them, and it's bad to think "Oh come on shift your arse out of your comfort zone and come out with us" because I don't know how hard it is having 2.

teafortwo · 10/10/2008 11:53

snowleopard - I have currently taken on more hours at work and so have been re-timetabling our days.

I have made sure I have left one day free for "dd and teafortwos out and about day". It is a day where we have nothing planned - but end up on the other side of the city exploring a new park, in a museum, gallery, walking in an area we haven't been to before or simply sitting in a cafe we know well sipping a coffee, reading a book and watching the World go by... it is divine. I love it she loves it! We have happy, happy days!!!!

A few times I organise for friends to join us... fun - and good for dd and I... but somehow more complicated and less carefree. It isn't the same as being just us two drifting dreamers enjoying the wonders of the here and now.

froggyfroofroo · 10/10/2008 13:58

i cannot stand the patronising smirk and knowing "you'll change your mind in a few years time" statement people always give me when i say im not having anymore.

did they go through my awful pregnancy? or my awful birth experience? no! so they can bog off, they really make my fists itch.

Missuseff · 11/10/2008 19:01

I am really glad to find this board, as my DS is definitely going to be my only child - my DH got the snip since he already had 2 much older DDs (teens) from a previous relationship.

I'm at that stage (DS is nearly 2) where our friends all have just had or are about to pop with their second one, and frankly seeing all their dramas and woes, I am relieved that I get to just focus on ONE child.

Guitargirl · 11/10/2008 19:14

I am an only and if anything people are making me feel like am weird for wanting more than one child.

Am currently expecting DC2 and my own Mum clearly thinks am slightly mad in having any more and MIL (who had 2 children) apparently is afraid that us having a second child is going to mean DD is 'neglected' .

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