DH wants to stop at 1

[tbtf]

Yes, I know we should have discussed and planned all this before marriage. I just didn't feel this way in my 20s, before DD (now nearly 2), I didn't know I'd love it this much. Nurturing, playing, the bond, it's all new to me and I just love it.

I'm desperate for another child, I think about it constantly, I've tried to speak to DH rationally and I've begged. We talk about it every few days, he's firm he doesn't want another.

When he compliments DD I hate it. He's lovely to and about her "isn't she so funny!" "Look how lovely she is!" "Gosh she's beautiful" "wow she is so clever" I know how amazing she is, that's why I want another! It feels like salt in the wounds.

I'd do everything with the new baby like I did with DD, all the night feeds and nurturing as I loved BF and maternity leave, it just suited me to be the primary carer for that year. Now DH is doing the "childcare" while I work as he's between contracts, DD starts nursery next month.
The new baby wouldn't be any extra effort for him, so I resent him being the gatekeeper, I'll be the one doing the hard (lovely to me) work of baby rearing.

Maybe he will, but he isn't ready just yet.

You have to respect his decision.the parent who doesn't want another child 'wins' basically.

You have to decide whether you want your DH or another child more, and only you can make that decision for you

Sounds drastic but me personally, that would be a deal breaker.

If I wanted another child and my partner didn't, I couldn't stay. It sounds selfish but it's just the way I feel.

What are his reasons for not wanting more children?

I know this sounds a bit harsh but I think if one person in a relationship wants to stop having children, that person should get priority. He's well within his right to say he doesn't want any more and still enjoy your daughter, he's doing nothing wrong at all.
Having said that I totally understand the feeling of wanting more and maybe you need to think about whether this is a want for you that is more important than your relationship.

You haven't said what his reasons are?

I'm sorry you have this stalemate situation.
it's heartbreaking & devastating. it feels like a death sentence.

unfortunately if one person says no it's a no. you could secretly hope he'll change his mind, it does happen.
but chances are you'll have to learn to accept it.
or if you can't it might mean the end of your marriage, which is a choice too.

but nagging, resentment, blackmailing, guilt tripping would just make it worse so don't do that.
and definitely don't try to trick him to get pg without his consent (for lack of a better word). that'd be a terrible move.

His feelings are just as valid as yours so whatever he the reasons it's not to be judged, belittled or criticised. try to put yourself in his shoes, how you'd feel he wanted something that you'd never want in a million years? you'd want him to be compassionate and accepting too.

But you have the right to know why so he absolutely must give you a reason.
I know I couldn't even begin to try & accept it until I knew why.

I know this sounds a bit harsh but I think if one person in a relationship wants to stop having children, that person should get priority. He's well within his right to say he doesn't want any more and still enjoy your daughter, he's doing nothing wrong at all.

I agree with this, and don’t think it sounds harsh.

He doesn't need a reason to not want more children. Not wanting is enough.

You have to decide OP whether your desire for another is more important to you than staying together. You can't force it.

@PixieDust28 you would split up a family to have another child. How would your first child feel towards their sibling knowing they were the reason their parents split up.

Nagging every few days also seems a bit overkill tbh. Give the poor guy a break a while.

We have a 1 year old, totally not ready to want another yet. But in a few years time maybe. You child isn’t 2 yet, maybe when they are 3/4/5 your partner might change him mind.

He doesn't need a reason to not want more children. Not wanting is enough

Not when the woman wants more.

OP - DH and I only wanted one and don't regret our decision 16 years later. However, I completely understand a woman in particular might desperately want a second.

I think, if your DH can't explain why - beyond "I just don't want anymore" - then the two of you need to discuss this with a relationship counsellor.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

He doesn't need a reason to not want more children. Not wanting is enough.

You have to decide OP whether your desire for another is more important to you than staying together. You can't force it.

I strongly disagree. It's not like a random dude offering to buy you a drink and you say no. Or a toddler says no to kissing Aunt Mabel. Or someone wants to touch your pg belly and you say no. Those examples absolutely not need an explanation. a no is (and should be!) good enough, consent is not given, period.

But this is a marriage and "just because I don't want to" is simply not good enough.
There is always at least one reason why and OP has every right to know, at the very least to find out if there's room to negotiate, fix an issue, give it time etc or it's an ultimatum and where they go from there.

"I just don't want anymore" is a perfectly valid reason .

I'm pretty sure someone soon will bring up the "what if it was other way round" argument so I'm gonna pre-empt thst with : it's not comparable to a woman saying no.

A man can't say "because it's my body, my choice", which in a woman's case IS the valid reason a man would be told and would have to just accept.
so "what if it was a woman" is a red herring.

he has a reason and OP needs to know

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@PixieDust28 you would split up a family to have another child. How would your first child feel towards their sibling knowing they were the reason their parents split up.[/quote]
They wouldn't be the reason though would they.

He says we couldn't cope. I had an easy pregnancy, happy joyous home birth, quite a bad tear meant an urgent trip to hospital and 4 day stay, a few feeding problems to start with, then through weaning and tests we found DD had quite severe CMPA which explained why she was quite unputdownable, but through all that I thought I "coped" I felt we all thrived.

He looks around the house (too many toys all out at the same time) and says it'll be even messier with a second, he says I'll neglect DD to look after the baby. Not real neglect I hope just a turn of phrase.

Practically speaking we have a 3-4 bed detached, mortgage about £130k, monthly payments £650, income combined minimum £65k (me PT £23k, FT £40k, him sub contracting so varies over the last few years lowest £40k highest £80k). I think we'd cope.

And simply he just doesn't want it, so he's doesn't have sex with me. Refuses point blank. I've asked him to get a vasectomy to help me know that it can't happen and he refuses.

He just simply doesn't want another. Stale mate.

@PixieDust28 if the only reason you left DH was to have another child, then that child would be the reason you split up. What would happen if you couldn’t find another partner, or couldn’t have a child with another partner. How would you feel about splitting up a family then?

@ineedaholidaynow

no, the future child wouldn't be to blame.
the couples incompatibility/irreconcilable differences would be "to blame"

if one parent felt they can't stay together because of a new job/opportunity/religion/health condition etc they had or wanted to pursue would you blame the job/opportunity/religion/health issue?

no.
you'd blame each other for wanting/not wanting that change

obv a health issue is not because one wants it or not. but people split up because of those to

His reasons sound fair enough to me. Not that he needs any reason at all; 'I don't want to' is perfectly adequate. Please stop putting pressure on him and enjoy the child you have.

Reading your update, I wonder if he has unresolved emotions about what happened to you and your daughter at the birth of your DD and shortly afterwards?

Why would you want to have a baby with a man who is such a "hands off" father?

OP, reading your update I couldn’t stay in a ‘marriage’ like that. You deserve better

* His reasons sound fair enough to me. Not that he needs any reason at all; 'I don't want to' is perfectly adequate. Please stop putting pressure on him and enjoy the child you have.*

^This.