DH wants to stop at 1

[tbtf]

Yes, I know we should have discussed and planned all this before marriage. I just didn't feel this way in my 20s, before DD (now nearly 2), I didn't know I'd love it this much. Nurturing, playing, the bond, it's all new to me and I just love it.

I'm desperate for another child, I think about it constantly, I've tried to speak to DH rationally and I've begged. We talk about it every few days, he's firm he doesn't want another.

When he compliments DD I hate it. He's lovely to and about her "isn't she so funny!" "Look how lovely she is!" "Gosh she's beautiful" "wow she is so clever" I know how amazing she is, that's why I want another! It feels like salt in the wounds.

I'd do everything with the new baby like I did with DD, all the night feeds and nurturing as I loved BF and maternity leave, it just suited me to be the primary carer for that year. Now DH is doing the "childcare" while I work as he's between contracts, DD starts nursery next month.
The new baby wouldn't be any extra effort for him, so I resent him being the gatekeeper, I'll be the one doing the hard (lovely to me) work of baby rearing.

What's his plan for resuming your sex life long term? Cant he just use condoms?

@Tangled22

Now DH is doing the "childcare" while I work as he's between contracts

Why is childcare in sarcastic quote marks? He looks after a 2 year old all day?

He sounds like a lovely father complimenting his daughter all the time, I don’t really get your issue with that.

If my husband wanted to stop at one I’d have stopped at one. I think YABU.

Also the first year of mat leave/breastfeeding/nurturing is just one year. It’s a bad reason to want another child just because you want another baby/enjoy baby rearing, it’s such a small fraction of parenting. When that baby reaches 2 will you then want another? From your OP it kind of sounds like you just want another mat leave, to be honest.

It wasn't sarcastic, I just thought we don't call it childcare on my non working days with her. It wasn't sarcastic.

I didn't post in AIBU so no need to answer in those terms. I posted on a board specific to my needs to talk and make sense of what I need to come to terms with.

I've enjoyed every stage of parenting DD so far, I know I'm only 2 years in but it's fulfilling and rewarding in a way I had no idea it would be. It isn't that I want another baby I want another child, a bigger family, two kids, two teens, two adults. I'll only get that by having another baby so that's how I've written it down.

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@tbh are you telling people who only have one child they can't love them otherwise they would have another child[/quote]
I'm not telling anyone anything? I'm trying to figure out my own emotional response to my own DH telling me how much he loves DD. I'm not saying it's a rational thought process that can be transposed to other individuals or groups of people. Don't take my personal emotions and generalise them.

We discussed how many children we wanted during marriage preparation classes. Obviously people change their minds and circumstances change. But at least we had a starting point.

For me, this would be a deal breaker.

Refusing to have sex because he didnt trust you to use contraception? 1. The trust is gone, so why stay? 2. Why the fuck isnt he taking responsibility for contraception if he is that concerned? When he is going to have sex with you again? After menopause? Fuck that.

@HelloBunny

Agree with Tangled22. I noticed the quotation marked childcare, too... I know my DH finds a whole day with our almost one year old DS hard work, but he’s every bit as good at looking after him as I am. Even though he didn’t breastfeed him, it was easier for me to do that...

As T22 said, the first year of motherhood / maternity leave can be lovely (I’m lucky mine was too!) but that’s only part of the picture. It’s not another baby, it’s another whole new person / responsibility.

I also think your DH is talking sense in saying that, not that you’d neglect / not have time for DD, but that the second baby and toddler combo would not add up to an easy pregnancy / small baby months, like you had on your first baby.

The quote marks were just because I don't call it childcare when I'm not working and DH is, it wasn't malicious, we're lucky he's off as we found ourselves in a predicament.

I do understand a baby grows into a child, but I want it all in the same way I wanted DD before I had her. I picture myself loving more than one child, I only have experience of 0-2y so that's how i'm writing it, not because I only want the baby stage.

I find it strange if he's so set on only having 1 that he won't have a vasectomy.
The fact he won't have sex with you but refuses to have a vasectomy would ring alarm bells with me

When he compliments DD I hate it.

That's really not healthy.

I couldn't stop at one.
Also he is being ridiculous about toys and mess. Our dc are at school now and there's hardly any lying about (that's only 3 years away for you not forever)
He sounds selfish. The sex thing is awful too.

@PixieDust28

Sounds drastic but me personally, that would be a deal breaker.

If I wanted another child and my partner didn't, I couldn't stay. It sounds selfish but it's just the way I feel.

Same here. The need for me to have more than one a d to provide a sibling would be too large to ignore. The resentment I'd feel for him denying my child a sibling would erode my marriage

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@PixieDust28 you would split up a family to have another child. How would your first child feel towards their sibling knowing they were the reason their parents split up.[/quote]
There are many reasons relationships break up. And if resentment starts to breed that's the end. People break up because their partner plays too much golf, doesn't want to relocate, doesn't want to earn a certain amount and provide a lifestyle, sahp bitterness. This is a fundamental resentment in a relationship

I don't think in a marriage with such a large topic an acceptable answer is 'I don't want to' I think that's a perfectly acceptable answer in any other circumstance on this topic if anyone was rude or intrusive enough to ask. But in a marriage I don't believe that's a suitable answer. I don't think the DH should need to change his mind. However I think in a respectful relationship it needs more of a discussion.

Well, I do understand because my H only wanted one of his own (I have two more).
But I can't help thinking that your daughter will be a very fortunate young woman indeed to have devoted parents and all resources for just her, given how long girls have been pushed aside.

One thing that really jumps out at me here is he's completely against having another child but won't have a vasectomy.
Whatever else - that's not ok. He's not taking full responsibility for his choices.
The rest of it, I fully sympathise OP. Wanting a child that you can't have is really painful.

When he compliments DD I hate it. He's lovely to and about her "isn't she so funny!" "Look how lovely she is!" "Gosh she's beautiful" "wow she is so clever" I know how amazing she is, that's why I want another! It feels like salt in the wounds.

This is incredibly unreasonable.

The new baby wouldn't be any extra effort for him

If this is true, then I wouldn’t want another baby with a man for whom it would be no extra effort because that suggests a total lack of involvement. But from your comments it doesn’t sound like this is true, so this comment in ridiculous.

I fully understand the grief of wanting a second child and not being able to have one. But my love for a hypothetical second child that doesn’t and might never exist wouldn’t outweigh my love for my husband unless I already had doubts about the relationship. The vasectomy thing is unacceptable though, he needs to own his decision to only want one child.

Respect his decision. You say you didn’t discuss how many DC you wanted prior to marriage, so you can’t blame him for not wanting more DC. However, if he doesn’t want any more DC then he needs to have the snip.

But if he is doing all the childcare because he is between contracts and you are working, how will that work financially? Maybe that's his concern

You can’t make him want another child, and it would be awful for a child to be born unwanted by one of his or her parents so basically you need to accept it (and stop bringing it up and accept he may not change his mind) or leave. It can be a grief not to have the family you envision and you might find it worthwhile to get some counselling.

We’re hoping once our daughter is born to be one and done, and there are lots of advantages to that for her and us. There are advantages to having a second child/ sibling too but also downsides, neither option is better.

You’ll have more time for yourselves, for your daughter, as a couple, and it will be easier to get a babysitter with one child.
You’ll have more money, less childcare costs, less food bills, it will be easier for you to work nearer to full time when she’s at school, you’ll be able to afford to give your daughter more experiences, more holidays, you can save more and potentially retire earlier, you’ll be more able to pay for her to have school trips, may be able to help with university if she wants to go, help with a house deposit etc.
You’ll have more energy and have less cleaning/ washing/ care etc and a more peaceful home and no fighting children.
Your daughter has a good chance of being more articulate, independent and confident.
You can do age appropriate things with your daughter without younger or older siblings to hold you back.
You’ll have more space, no need for bigger house, you can have a small car, there will be less clutter.
Health wise you’ll have less chance of (more?) birth injuries, pnd, breastfeeding pain, pregnancy weight etc and may have better peace of mind, more sleep, less stress.
You’ll be able to devote yourself to forming a close connection and bond with your daughter and so can your husband- hopefully this will lead to a close relationship with your daughter and a less strained marriage.
In terms of your age the chance of abnormalities increases with age, you could suffer difficulties conceiving or miscarriages and all the pain that involves, you will get to spend more childfree time at the other end as well when your daughter is older.
It’s easier to travel with one child and environmentally much lower impact and easier to focus on environmentally friendly choices.

Your husband is entitled to feel that some or all of these benefits (or any other benefits not listed) make it better for him to stick at one. It would be good to encourage play dates for your daughter and lots of activities where she can meet other children and if you have wider family to try and maintain bonds for her with her grandparents/ aunts/ uncles/ cousins since she won’t have siblings, but hopefully she’ll have enduring close friendships and perhaps eventually have a partner that will become her family of choice and be there for her when you’re gone.

Also you need to have a discussion about sex and what you are each going to do about it- I don’t think he should have to have a vasectomy if he doesn’t want to as it’s his body but equally you shouldn’t have to have hormones in you if you don’t want to. Perhaps condoms would be the way forward. He’s being unreasonable if he won’t work with you to find a solution so you can have a sex life.

This sounds difficult for both of you. An impartial counsellor may help you have the sort of discussion you need to have and adjust your entrenched positions and hear what the other is saying more and of course find a resolution.

His desire or lack of for another, and his love for your DD are totally unrelated and you have to work at separating this in your head so you can stop driving yourself mad with it.

Given you have already laid your cards very clearly on the table i suggest you try and commit to not mentioning it for at least six months. Perhaps he isn't enjoying daily childcare and the stress of being between jobs is taking its toll. Perhaps he isn't enjoying her current phase at this age. Perhaps he is coming out of covid fog like many of us. So your best hope is that this phase passes. A 3/4 year old is much easier then a 2 year old and that may help your case as things ease. It is ok for him to not be ready yet. It is ok for him to not want another. Albeit very difficult for you to accept.

The not having sex thing is strange and could be a sign of unhappiness.But i would imagine he is worried about accidents. I appreciate you said you would never deliberately trap him. But mentioning a second child every few days does indicate a lack of self control/obsession/lack of respect for his view that would have me worried if i was him.

I literally came on here to write this exact post myself.
My husband has always said he only ever wanted one, and before we had our DD I was fine with that but now she's almost two and I don't feel finished yet. He is still absolutely set on not having any more and I'm struggling so much with it right now. My husband and I both have siblings and have amazing bonds with them and I am desperate for DD to have that too.
I feel like the more we discuss it the more resentment and anger I feel towards him which I really don't want to feel.

That would be a dealbreaker for me I’m afraid. How old are you? I can’t imagine this feeling will go away.

@tbtf

Yes, I know we should have discussed and planned all this before marriage. I just didn't feel this way in my 20s, before DD (now nearly 2), I didn't know I'd love it this much. Nurturing, playing, the bond, it's all new to me and I just love it.

I'm desperate for another child, I think about it constantly, I've tried to speak to DH rationally and I've begged. We talk about it every few days, he's firm he doesn't want another.

When he compliments DD I hate it. He's lovely to and about her "isn't she so funny!" "Look how lovely she is!" "Gosh she's beautiful" "wow she is so clever" I know how amazing she is, that's why I want another! It feels like salt in the wounds.

I'd do everything with the new baby like I did with DD, all the night feeds and nurturing as I loved BF and maternity leave, it just suited me to be the primary carer for that year. Now DH is doing the "childcare" while I work as he's between contracts, DD starts nursery next month.
The new baby wouldn't be any extra effort for him, so I resent him being the gatekeeper, I'll be the one doing the hard (lovely to me) work of baby rearing.

For me it's the other way around, admittedly we have twins but my partner would have another. But due to medical and mental health issues I could not put myself through it again. I also just don't want anymore, it doesn't appeal whatsoever. Even if we had only had 1 that would be it, it's a hard choice but maybe think of it this way; would you rather a life with your DH and DD or possibly leave for a hypothetical child. I can't imagine how hard it is to let go of a dream but maybe consider what's here instead of what isn't

Whatever people say about the person who doesn’t want more, decides - well, I can completely see how this is a dealbreaker and it absolutely would have been for me too. The person who doesn’t want more with you maybe should dictate that within the relationship but it’s not up to them how many children you personally have. And yes, moving the goalposts on a huge thing like that is likely to breed resentment as well as grief that you won’t get to complete your family.

I really, really wanted a second child. My DH adamantly did not. I could not have just gone “oh, ok then”. We did end up having a second and I can honestly say it has completed our family.

In your position, I would suggest a six month break. You promise to spend six months not
talking about a second child and really see if you could reconcile yourself to only having one. He promises to spend six months really thinking hard about whether he could be more open minded to the idea of a second. You get some relationship counselling as part of this. Then you revisit it and see if positions have changed. If not - is the relationship enough to stay for?

I wouldn’t be happy about the lack of sex. If he is so adamant he won’t have a second, why the lack of vasectomy? And why won’t he use condoms, either alone or in conjunction with another contraceptive?

Why won't he have a vasectomy? What's his reason?