DH wants to stop at 1

[tbtf]

Yes, I know we should have discussed and planned all this before marriage. I just didn't feel this way in my 20s, before DD (now nearly 2), I didn't know I'd love it this much. Nurturing, playing, the bond, it's all new to me and I just love it.

I'm desperate for another child, I think about it constantly, I've tried to speak to DH rationally and I've begged. We talk about it every few days, he's firm he doesn't want another.

When he compliments DD I hate it. He's lovely to and about her "isn't she so funny!" "Look how lovely she is!" "Gosh she's beautiful" "wow she is so clever" I know how amazing she is, that's why I want another! It feels like salt in the wounds.

I'd do everything with the new baby like I did with DD, all the night feeds and nurturing as I loved BF and maternity leave, it just suited me to be the primary carer for that year. Now DH is doing the "childcare" while I work as he's between contracts, DD starts nursery next month.
The new baby wouldn't be any extra effort for him, so I resent him being the gatekeeper, I'll be the one doing the hard (lovely to me) work of baby rearing.

He won't have sex with you at all? Sounds a bit unhealthy/off.

My DH didn't want anymore DC when our eldest DD was that age. Toddlers are so full on! And your DH might be quite drained as a SAHP.

Anyway, my DH changed his mind when our DD was 2.5. We had another and neither of us have ever regretted it.

I don't want to give you false hope, as obviously your DH might not change his mind. But I do think it's possible. Age 1-2 is the worst bit IMHO.

"he's doesn't have sex with me. Refuses point blank. I've asked him to get a vasectomy to help me know that it can't happen and he refuses."

He's refusing to have sex with you and refusing to have a vasectomy. Is there something else going on here? Because it sounds as if he doesn't want another child with you but he also doesn't want to remove the option to have another child with someone else.

Is he really paranoid about contraception failure or is there something else going on? Does he not trust you to take the pill or get a coil fitted or whatever and not want to use condoms?

Whatever's going on I think you probably need couple's therapy if you're going to resolve it.

that's quite a lot of reasons.
fear of being able to cope is massive and he might be terrified of you going through another birth because of what happened last time and/or worried what if next baby has health issues...
I can totally see why he wants to reject even the very idea of having DC2.
poor him & poor you.

and honestly the fact you didn't discuss family planning before marriage is irrelevant.
even if you had agreed to have a litter of kids circumstances and/or priorities could've changed later and you'd be in the same place.

So other than short term childcare whilst he's unemployed, he's basically a hands off Dad as you said you do all the child rearing, he refuses to have sex with you until when? You hit the menopause?? because he doesn't trust you yet won't make any "sacrifice" himself to resolve it. That doesn't sound overly healthy or sustainable as a relationship

I think that anyone who ends a relationship, splits up a family, makes their child a child of a broken home because of some fantasy of having children which might never actually happen is incredibly selfish. Far more selfish than not wanting more children.

I also think that the OP is being totally unrealistic. All the talk of how wonderful the new baby stage was, how much she loves it, how much she will love all the night feeds etc etc etc. Everyone knows that two babies are rarely the same. So what happens if the new baby has colic, screams 24/7. Has severe disabilities, and the list goes on.

What happens if the OP falls pregnant with twins?

It’s a myth that you never regret a baby. People just don’t talk about doing so.

As for the DH refusing to have sex with her, well how often do we say that no sex is the only guaranteed contraception. And as in the case of saying that having a baby is “her body, her choice,” so is having a vasectomy “his body, his choice.”

Would be a dealbreaker for me

If he is doing all the childcare at the moment I am sure that must affect his decision whether or not to have any more. You just have to hope he might change his mind.

I’m the one that doesn’t want anymore children and my DH would love another. I would be so upset (furious really) if he was trying to talk me into it every few days. I’ve said no and I like to think that right now my happiness is more important to him than having another child.

Your DH is the primary carer right now and toddlers are tough. He may change his mind in a few years but he doesn’t need to have a reason.

I guess he was hands off while he was out of the house working 60 hours a week and I was on mat leave, it never occurred to me to make him do night feeds etc when I was BF and not working. I enjoyed it, I really did.

I did the bulk of it after I returned to work as I only work 22.5 hours a week and I do honestly enjoy it.

He isn't unemployed, he's still employed and on "stand-by" earning his basic rate and waiting for the contracts to cascade to his level of contracting. It's been fortunate after our childminder had to close suddenly and the new nursery can't take DD until she's 2.

I know I need to stop talking about it, but I feel like I'm lying to myself if I don't talk to him about it.

I'm not using contraception at the moment and that's why he won't have sex with me. I think he would trust me to take the pill etc, I wouldn't trap him, I'm not deceitful.

How do I find couples counselling? We need it.

"How do I find couples counselling? We need it."

www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/how-to-find-a-therapist

www.gottman.com/couples/find-a-therapist/

There's also Relate but IMO they're hit and miss (based on my experience and that of friends).

How old are you op?

I agree if he Def doenst want more he needs to consider a vasectomy or condoms rather than expect you to take the pill for decades

@SleepingStandingUp

How old are you op?

I agree if he Def doenst want more he needs to consider a vasectomy or condoms rather than expect you to take the pill for decades

I'm 36, he's 39. Feels like now or never to decide and try.

Well not decide, that's already done.

You're 36 not 40, it's not "now or never". FWIW, I wasn't ready to TTC DC2 until after DC1 turned 2, and it took DH a bit longer. Ended up getting pregnant when DC1 was 2y9m. But a longer age gap would be fine too.

You need to accept for now that it isn’t happening soon and get some contraception so he knows it’s not going to happen (though why can’t he use condoms?!). I think you need to give each other space. If you’re constantly bringing it up he’s going to become more entrenched.

If I were you I’d give it 6 months. Use that time to decide (privately) whether you can live without another child. If not then you might have to leave him. But hopefully with a bit of time, your daughter will be older, he might feel under less pressure, he might come round to the idea or at least be in a place to have counselling. I think you need to take some of the heat out if it now though and just give it a rest.

My DH has always said he wants 2 whereas I’ve always wanted 3. I’m not even bringing up a 3rd until DC2 is 2 and through the most intense needy stage!

You can't get cross at him complimenting the child you have - he's allowed not to want more and yet be completely in love with your DD. It's not rubbing salt in, it's enjoying her. Would you prefer he said nothing nice about his own daughter?

Look, I get it's hard. But ultimately you have two options.
You stay and enjoy your child and watch her grow up, be able to afford to do more with her, have more time with her, and when she is older be able to have your independence back, whilst enjoying the relationship you have with dd.
Or
You spilt, and find someone else to have more children with. Which, in my honest opinion could effect the relationship you have with your Dd in the sense you've split from her father for the sake of wanting another.

No one can tell you what to do, it's totally your decision. I personally would take option one, but that's just me.

@wildeverose

You can't get cross at him complimenting the child you have - he's allowed not to want more and yet be completely in love with your DD. It's not rubbing salt in, it's enjoying her. Would you prefer he said nothing nice about his own daughter?

Look, I get it's hard. But ultimately you have two options.
You stay and enjoy your child and watch her grow up, be able to afford to do more with her, have more time with her, and when she is older be able to have your independence back, whilst enjoying the relationship you have with dd.
Or
You spilt, and find someone else to have more children with. Which, in my honest opinion could effect the relationship you have with your Dd in the sense you've split from her father for the sake of wanting another.

No one can tell you what to do, it's totally your decision. I personally would take option one, but that's just me.

I don't get cross at him, hearing the compliments just hurts me inside, but I don't take it out on him or show him and I haven't even told him how it makes me feel. It's deeply hidden. I can't even describe the emotion even if I wanted to tell him.

I'm not contemplating leaving him, I haven't mentioned breaking up the home for this. Leaving to find someone to have a child with that possibly wouldn't happen anyway is reckless.

Why does it upset you when he says nice things about your daughter? Do you think he's lying? Do you think if he REALLY loved her he'd want more?

Now DH is doing the "childcare" while I work as he's between contracts

Why is childcare in sarcastic quote marks? He looks after a 2 year old all day?

He sounds like a lovely father complimenting his daughter all the time, I don’t really get your issue with that.

If my husband wanted to stop at one I’d have stopped at one. I think YABU.

Also the first year of mat leave/breastfeeding/nurturing is just one year. It’s a bad reason to want another child just because you want another baby/enjoy baby rearing, it’s such a small fraction of parenting. When that baby reaches 2 will you then want another? From your OP it kind of sounds like you just want another mat leave, to be honest.

@SleepingStandingUp

Why does it upset you when he says nice things about your daughter? Do you think he's lying? Do you think if he REALLY loved her he'd want more?

I don't think he's lying. I think if he loves her this much and enjoys her this much he should love another one just as much.

So get yourself sterilised if he won’t

@tbh are you telling people who only have one child they can't love them otherwise they would have another child

Agree with Tangled22. I noticed the quotation marked childcare, too... I know my DH finds a whole day with our almost one year old DS hard work, but he’s every bit as good at looking after him as I am. Even though he didn’t breastfeed him, it was easier for me to do that...

As T22 said, the first year of motherhood / maternity leave can be lovely (I’m lucky mine was too!) but that’s only part of the picture. It’s not another baby, it’s another whole new person / responsibility.

I also think your DH is talking sense in saying that, not that you’d neglect / not have time for DD, but that the second baby and toddler combo would not add up to an easy pregnancy / small baby months, like you had on your first baby.

Maybe he feels he is too old. My DH is 37, we have a 5 year old DS and he is reluctant to try for another because he thinks he is pushing it age wise. I don't agree but I'm only 32 and I'm on the fence about another anyway (and I'm certainly not having another while I'm on the fence!).

There are plenty of reasons to enjoy only having one which is why we've found it so hard to make the decision tbh.

No answers for you really. I definitely think you should try couples counselling.

I think if he loves her this much and enjoys her this much he should love another one just as much.

Actually a lot of people stick with one because they feel they wouldn't be able to love another as much.

This is sort of how I feel about my son. I adore him beyond everything and am not sure I could a) take the worry and pain that comes with that amount of love for another one (b) give both kids the attention they would deserve if I had another.