Page 2 | Feel at my limit with one but guilty for not providing a sibling

animaux19 · 2021-02-13T13:46:06+00:00

I have a toddler who I adore but the truth is I already feel at my limit and find a lot of parenting quite monotonous and frustrating. I've had issues with mental health my whole life and it's a huge battle to stay in a good place. In order to be the best version of myself and a good mum I really feel the need time to focus on my career, myself and my DH as well as parenting. I have a really good relationship with my sibling and feel I'm depriving my child of this and as I'm approaching my late 30s so really feel under pressure to make a decision. Anyone else feel similar? What did you decide to do? Wish I could find peace and make a decision!

MrsLCSofLichfield · 12/06/2021 18:44

I had DS at 32, my DH was 37. I had a great pregnancy and loved his babyhood, but never wanted another, he was enough for me. I am really glad I didn't get broody again, as I honestly think that by my late 30s I was too knackered with work and commuting.

We had a mortgage holiday whilst I was on maternity and we wouldn't have been able to do that again (lender toughened up their criteria during financial crisis, then we moved house and new mortgage didn't allow it at all). Also, DH had an unpaid career break for 3 years to look after DS and I don't think he'd have been able to do that twice, so it kind of felt like a second child wouldn't have got such a good deal.

Disneyblue · 12/06/2021 20:18

I can relate to this. My DD is only 20 months so I'm giving it some time yet, but I honestly am not sure I want another.
I've always suffered with mental health but I really, really struggled during pregnancy and up to my DD being 18 months ish. I'm only just coming out of the other side really. Funny thing is my DD has been absolutely amazing. I had a fairly easy pregnancy, straightforward birth. She's slept through from the beginning, is so chilled out. She's such a good baby. I've just always struggled with mental health.
I feel like if I had another I'm risking not only the 2nd baby not being quite as 'good' as my first, but also all the mental health issues I had coming back, possibly worse.
We also feel quite complete as a three. I can't imagine us having another. I look into the future with us as a three, no more.

Problem is I keep putting pressure on myself to decide, one way or the other. I know I don't need to. I feel like I 'should' have another because I can't think of many friends or family members who just had one. I'm also a teacher and in my class I can count on one hand how many children are onlys out of 32 children. It's just not the 'done thing' and surely there's a reason for it? It's all the wrong reasons for having another really. The sibling thing I also feel a bit guilty about.
So yes, OP, totally know how you feel.

Nextchapterofmybook · 12/06/2021 20:42

Much easier having 2. Went on a picnic today, my 2 spent the whole time chasing each other whilst I relaxed, bliss. My friends (only) child spent the whole time bugging her mum, we could hardly have a conversation.

boydy99 · 12/06/2021 20:54

I feel like this too. I have a 17m old boy and find a lot of parenting hard and/or boring. I resonate a lot with what @catpoooffender said, especially about feeling like I am a failure as a mum for not wanting more, surely if I love having DS, I should want another? but I don't. I met my cousins 3 week old DS yesterday, and before I saw him I thought it would make me feel like I'd want another but it didn't, all I could think of was tiredness, poo, nappies, milk, sick, pain... I am loving the tiny bits of extra freedom I have been getting recently as my DS gets older and I really don't imagine I could want to relinquish that for effectively 2 years, pregnancy plus the first year or so.

There's a lot to be said for just having one (I've done a lot of Googling!) and I always try to think of the 2nd one too, like I wouldn't want to just have been created for the sake of the first sibling, I think you have to truly want them as an individual. DH also just wants one now. At this point we have said we only are having one, but its open for review in the future! Hope you find some help on here OP, it's such a tough decision. Neither is right or wrong and I hope you can make a decision you feel happy with.

boydy99 · 12/06/2021 20:56

@Nextchapterofmybook

Much easier having 2. Went on a picnic today, my 2 spent the whole time chasing each other whilst I relaxed, bliss. My friends (only) child spent the whole time bugging her mum, we could hardly have a conversation.

We met my cousin and her two girls recently, her eldest played with my DS while her youngest was causing trouble... in her situation it would have been easier with just one!

boydy99 · 12/06/2021 21:01

@Disneyblue

I can relate to this. My DD is only 20 months so I'm giving it some time yet, but I honestly am not sure I want another. I've always suffered with mental health but I really, really struggled during pregnancy and up to my DD being 18 months ish. I'm only just coming out of the other side really. Funny thing is my DD has been absolutely amazing. I had a fairly easy pregnancy, straightforward birth. She's slept through from the beginning, is so chilled out. She's such a good baby. I've just always struggled with mental health. I feel like if I had another I'm risking not only the 2nd baby not being quite as 'good' as my first, but also all the mental health issues I had coming back, possibly worse. We also feel quite complete as a three. I can't imagine us having another. I look into the future with us as a three, no more.

Problem is I keep putting pressure on myself to decide, one way or the other. I know I don't need to. I feel like I 'should' have another because I can't think of many friends or family members who just had one. I'm also a teacher and in my class I can count on one hand how many children are onlys out of 32 children. It's just not the 'done thing' and surely there's a reason for it? It's all the wrong reasons for having another really. The sibling thing I also feel a bit guilty about.
So yes, OP, totally know how you feel.

I think at least part of the reason is the biological urge? since to grow as a human population, couples need to be having at least 2. But now we have the means to think reflectively and have an active decision in family size, it makes sense that more people question 2nd, 3rd etc children. Its very hard and often thankless, especially for women in most cases. Only child families are on the rise in the western world too.

Disneyblue · 12/06/2021 21:30

@boydy99
I think you're right. Nowadays I do feel like people are having children later as well.
If someone handed my 2nd child to me then maybe, but I genuinely can't be bothered with pregnancy and mat leave again. I was desperate to get back to work by 6 months (I am a sad workaholic though).
I'd rather spend the next few years enjoying watching my girl grow up whilst working on myself and my job.

boydy99 · 12/06/2021 21:34

@Disneyblue yes I think if someone could hand me no2 at about 1 year old or maybe 18m, then I'd take that option! but pregnancy and early days, no thank you.

perfectionistchaos · 12/06/2021 21:46

Having two isn't always easier, my two love each other, but they are very different and it is hard for them to "amuse each other". 🤷‍♀️

If you feel that two would be too much for you then listen to that instinct. Having a second means constant juggling of needs and it can be really hard, particularly if the second is a high needs baby. Not all seconds are chilled out and fit into the family routine!

I love both of mine and two is the right number for us but it was hard when they were little and I desperately wanted the second.

jordan5207 · 22/09/2024 08:28

Hi! 3 years late to this thread but wondering what decision you made in the end?! I can relate to your post soo much. DD is 19 months old

jordan5207 · 22/09/2024 08:29

Disneyblue · 12/06/2021 20:18

I can relate to this. My DD is only 20 months so I'm giving it some time yet, but I honestly am not sure I want another.
I've always suffered with mental health but I really, really struggled during pregnancy and up to my DD being 18 months ish. I'm only just coming out of the other side really. Funny thing is my DD has been absolutely amazing. I had a fairly easy pregnancy, straightforward birth. She's slept through from the beginning, is so chilled out. She's such a good baby. I've just always struggled with mental health.
I feel like if I had another I'm risking not only the 2nd baby not being quite as 'good' as my first, but also all the mental health issues I had coming back, possibly worse.
We also feel quite complete as a three. I can't imagine us having another. I look into the future with us as a three, no more.

Problem is I keep putting pressure on myself to decide, one way or the other. I know I don't need to. I feel like I 'should' have another because I can't think of many friends or family members who just had one. I'm also a teacher and in my class I can count on one hand how many children are onlys out of 32 children. It's just not the 'done thing' and surely there's a reason for it? It's all the wrong reasons for having another really. The sibling thing I also feel a bit guilty about.
So yes, OP, totally know how you feel.

Hi! A bit late to this thread but wondering what decision you made in the end?! I can relate to this post soo much. DD is 19 months x