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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Feeling such guilt but just cannot do it all again....friends cruel comment

83 replies

universal83 · 05/11/2020 12:05

Hey first nervous post here.
I had my little boy 7 years ago and after a crap pregnancy and then traumatic labour I always said I was done!! I have never since felt broody at all ever. My husband on the other hand has always felt regret we did not have another child. Whilst it has always ultimately been my decision I have always felt he resented me for it but he denies this. Anyway last week my best friend announces she is 14 weeks pregnant with her second and says to me 'well I could never leave so and so without a sibling it is just awful and cruel' she knows I feel terrible guilt over my selfish decision to not give my child a sibling. I feel a terrible mother and wife for making my son an only child through choice. Yet I do not feel this about other mothers who chose one only:( my boy is so so loved and well rounded and happy. He did want a sibling when much younger but has not asked or shown desire in recent year or two.

OP posts:

MotherOfCrocodiles · 05/11/2020 12:12

Well that wasn't very nice of your friend.

From another perspective, we have two and my DH (who is an only) feels guilty for imposing a sibling on our first child. Doesn't think she should have to compromise because of her little brother and is always trying to separate them so he can give her the one on one experience he had with his parents.

Beamur · 05/11/2020 12:16

It's not cruel to have an only.
Not all siblings get on.
I was an only and loved it. My Mum and I were very close.
My DD has older siblings (DH first marriage) but spends most of her day to day life as an only.
It's a perfectly valid choice. Ignore your friend.

Original poster

universal83 · 05/11/2020 12:17

Thank you ladies...you know when you do ok but then burst into tears and do not have many mates

OP posts:

IcedLimes · 05/11/2020 12:18

What a nasty thing to say. Doesn't sound like much of a friend

Nevth · 05/11/2020 12:19

What an awful 'friend' OP. So cruel and unnecessary. You have perfectly legitimate reasons for not wanting another child.

For what it's worth, I'm an only child and I LOVED it. I met plenty of other kids in nursery, on play dates, etc and my parents were always careful to make sure I knew how to share and interact with others. I think I got the best of both worlds - I also learnt to interact properly with adults as a child (as no other kids at home) and it has been a massive benefit throughout my life with teachers and older bosses. I'm also very independent and happy to be on my own, as there wasn't always another person around.

NataliaOsipova · 05/11/2020 12:20

There is no such thing as a perfect family. I’m an only. My DH has siblings with whom he really doesn’t get on. I have two kids who are the best of pals (most of the time), but that’s just luck....and most people I know don’t have kids who do get on that well. Concentrate on the positives of your situation (time, attention, opportunities) and try to mitigate the negatives (with play dates etc). That’s all any of us can do. Your friend is an arse....

Original poster

universal83 · 05/11/2020 12:33

Girls thank you I felt so pathetic writing my original message as grown 37 year old woman

OP posts:

Shinyletsbebadguys · 05/11/2020 12:38

Try not to kick yourself op , your friend was nasty. Especially she clearly knew it was a sore point for you.

Honestly , having siblings is absolutely no guarantee it's better for the child , believe me when I say both my sister and I would tell you each brings nothing to the others life and haven't for a very long time. We don't speak and have zero interaction in each others lives and that suita us both absolutely fine.

Siblings are not an automatic friend. Speaking of friends I would seriously distance yourself from that one. There was no need for her coment

FrankiesKnuckle · 05/11/2020 12:47

Nobody, friend or otherwise has the right to judge on your choices. It is never acceptable.
I have an only, also 7, and since the day they were born I've had - when are you having another? You can't leave them lonely? Are you having trouble conceiving? It's so intrusive. I also had an admin assistant at work call me cruel for leaving my child all alone.
It's just so fucking rude.

There are a myriad of reasons for only having one for me, a lot to do with my own childhood, with a sibling. I was as lonely and as miserable as hell throughout my childhood and into my teens.
I still have to contend with an emotionally absent mother and it still hurts nearly every day. I have no relationship with my sibling.

My child is the most friendly, kind and happy kid I know! Happy to talk to adults and has lots of their own friends and is well liked by all.

Take comfort that you are doing the best for you and your little family, for that is all that matters.

There are no guarantees in this life, but I guarantee that you love your child beyond comprehension and that is all they need.

Ilady · 05/11/2020 12:51

I can understand why you don't want to go through another pregnancy after your 1st. Your friends comment was just nasty because she has no idea of what you went through before.
Also their is nothing to say if you had another child that the siblings would get on.
I know plenty of only children. I would agree that they are happy well adjusted adults. They were not given everything they wanted as kids and the word no was told to them growing up as well.
Your happy and your son is happy and that's what matters. I would work on making some new friends once groups ect open again.
In a few months time your so called friend will be busy with their new baby so you won't see her much of her. I would not be available to mind her 1st child also after her making a comment like that.

justanotherneighinparadise · 05/11/2020 12:54

At 37 you have the option to change your mind if you want to. It’s up to you. But your friend was certainly not being friendly with that comment. Who needs enemies!!

DownThePlath · 05/11/2020 12:56

Cruel?! I'm an only and am perfectly happy about it. I am extremely close to my parents because of it, and I seen them as best friends now this might be a bit sad

nibdedibble · 05/11/2020 12:58

I have a sibling who was conceived so I wouldn’t be an only. We never got on and have no relationship now. I hope for her sake, her family doesn’t turn out like that.

Your friend is incredibly tactless. But people are when it comes to child rearing. They say all sorts of really hurtful things without meaning to. I know it’s not easy but if you can pretend you have a bit of a thicker skin it’ll probably not harm you.

EddieVeddersfoxymop · 05/11/2020 13:03

I have an only by choice, and has to develop a very thick skin. Your friend was insensitive. My DD is 13 now and I'm very glad we did not have any more. She's not suffered, if anything she's thrived and been confident enough to develop her own, quirky personality that will see her go far. Stand by your choice OP, its your family and no one else gets to decide!

MrsAvocet · 05/11/2020 13:04

That was avery mean comment and frankly it's nobody's business except yours and your DH's how many children you have. There are pros and cons to any family size, and absolutely no guarantees about future relationships within families however they are structured.

Ajl46 · 05/11/2020 13:06

Some very interesting facts here, including the impact on the environment of a second child www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000nl72 Might help arm you for next time she says something so daft! X

Givemeabreakpls · 05/11/2020 13:08

This was a horrible comment from your friend. I have an older brother who I really don’t get on with, so I don’t think every family with more than one child is somehow magically‘perfect’! I have an only daughter who is thriving and supremely confident with adults and kind and sharing with other children! Please don’t let this thoughtless arse get to you.

SarahG6383 · 05/11/2020 13:41

I don’t think I’d have taken that as a nasty comment directed at you? She’s entitled to her opinion and that’s why she had another child as she felt that it was cruel. That doesn’t mean she’s judging you about your choice, maybe you need to let go of the guilt? Cause it’s not good for you carrying it around like that.

studychick81 · 05/11/2020 13:48

I had my second when my ds had just turned two. Looking back I shouldn't have had such a small age gap. I don't think it was fair to ds to have a baby thrown into the mix when he was so young and needed me the most. In hindsight his behaviour changed drastically and I didn't deal with it well as I was just trying to cope. Consequently I feel ds has grown up, he's now 7, finding it hard to deal with his emotions she express them appropriately. I feel that's my fault as I didn't deal with it well enough at the time and just thought he was 'playing up'. He has turned into a very strong willed child and I feel it is because of this. It's not all bad and now they are older they get on well and have a lovely relationship but having a sibling can have a negative effect too.

Pashazade · 05/11/2020 13:57

I'm an only and my ds is an only. It was never an issue for me and I know my son thrives with the level of attention we can give. Your friend wasn't being much of a friend. If you know someone has made tough choices you don't shove your different view down their throats. Your child will be absolutely fine. I know as many unhappy siblings as I do ones that get on well, there are no guarantees.

Titsinknicks · 05/11/2020 13:57

Is your friend an only child? If not I'd be very tempted to say 'well having siblings didn't stop you being a total cunt did it?'

She's an ARSEHOLE.

MoltenLasagne · 05/11/2020 14:13

What a cowbag, is this out of character for your "friend"? If not I'd be putting some firm distance between us. Honestly, I'd be pissed off enough that she can know your pregnancy and birth trauma and still think its appropriate to comment.

As for siblings being company, me and my sister now mostly get on thanks to living in different countries and speaking once or twice a month. Until I left home she made my life hell! I think its more unusual to have siblings being best friends than it is to have serious clashes.

Original poster

universal83 · 05/11/2020 14:25

@Titsinknicks

Is your friend an only child? If not I'd be very tempted to say 'well having siblings didn't stop you being a total cunt did it?'

She's an ARSEHOLE.

This made me really laugh

OP posts:

Original poster

universal83 · 05/11/2020 14:26

Thanks ladies reading your comments has made me feel less crappy about things and more relieved that I have not been an absolute horror to my child by letting them be alone

OP posts:

rorosemary · 05/11/2020 14:31

My DH and his sibling absolutely hate each other and would rather have been onlies. I like my sibling but my life wasn't any better because he was in my life. I played with my friends, he with his. I firmly believe that children do not need siblings. In most cases they really don't add that much to a childhood.

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