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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Feeling such guilt but just cannot do it all again....friends cruel comment

83 replies

universal83 · 05/11/2020 12:05

Hey first nervous post here.
I had my little boy 7 years ago and after a crap pregnancy and then traumatic labour I always said I was done!! I have never since felt broody at all ever. My husband on the other hand has always felt regret we did not have another child. Whilst it has always ultimately been my decision I have always felt he resented me for it but he denies this. Anyway last week my best friend announces she is 14 weeks pregnant with her second and says to me 'well I could never leave so and so without a sibling it is just awful and cruel' she knows I feel terrible guilt over my selfish decision to not give my child a sibling. I feel a terrible mother and wife for making my son an only child through choice. Yet I do not feel this about other mothers who chose one only:( my boy is so so loved and well rounded and happy. He did want a sibling when much younger but has not asked or shown desire in recent year or two.

OP posts:
Clymene · 05/11/2020 19:10

Not much of a friend is she?

HappyDinosaur · 05/11/2020 19:25

Your friend doesn't sound like much of a person. I have chosen to have one because it's what we wanted, she certainly won't miss out by not having a sibling. Not everyone sees a sibling as a gift in the long run anyway, there is no right or wrong, just what is right for you and your family.

Odile13 · 05/11/2020 19:41

I’m sorry OP, your friend was rude. I don’t agree with her opinion and she should have kept it to herself knowing your situation. Perhaps she just blurted it out without thinking. I have come to realise that people can be hugely insensitive when it comes to all aspects of having children!

Pascal2908 · 05/11/2020 19:50

Your friend was rude.. however my mum was an only 'by choice' .. she is 82 and still really angry with her long dead parents selfish decision.. (no health or economic reason not to have another .. just her parents choice which never impacted them but impacted her massively..

Pascal2908 · 05/11/2020 19:57

She may be influenced by myself and two fabulous brothers along with my three who are now in their 20s but have never had a single argument and adore each other ... and choose each other as their closest friends.. both my kids and my siblings.. she just wanted that ...

Glitterbiscuits · 05/11/2020 20:00

I've posted this before. I'm an only child and so is DH and we both absolutely hate it. Both sets of parent's now dead. We have DC and they have no family at all. No one.
However I'm aware that not everyone can have one child, never mind siblings. So while I think siblings are a great thing I'm aware it's not always possible
You have to do what's right for you and your family.

CeibaTree · 05/11/2020 20:01

@Pascal2908

Your friend was rude.. however my mum was an only 'by choice' .. she is 82 and still really angry with her long dead parents selfish decision.. (no health or economic reason not to have another .. just her parents choice which never impacted them but impacted her massively..
Oh dear - your mum needs to get over this if she is still angry at her parents after all this time. Does she actually know for certain that they could have had another? I have a friend who tried for a second for years with no luck, and now she tells people including her DD that it was by choice as those years trying for a second with only miscarriages to show for it were incredibly painful and she wants to just block them out.

OP your friend was really nasty and I find when people make comments like that they are in some way trying to make themselves feel better about something in their life. I know plenty of people who were only children leading happy full lives so I have no idea what your 'friend' was trying to say.

PintOfBovril · 05/11/2020 20:02

A friend of mine said to me once, "it's not mothering until you've had two". Nonsense, incorrect and hurtful - and I told her so.
We have one and won't be having another x

Odile13 · 05/11/2020 20:02

@Pascal2908 I wonder if your grandparents had a reason that they didn’t feel comfortable telling your mother. Lots of things weren’t as socially acceptable or talked about then as they are today, even things like birth trauma.

DownThePlath · 05/11/2020 20:04

@Pascal2908

Your friend was rude.. however my mum was an only 'by choice' .. she is 82 and still really angry with her long dead parents selfish decision.. (no health or economic reason not to have another .. just her parents choice which never impacted them but impacted her massively..
How are her parents selfish? It's their decision! Are you saying all parents who choose not to have a second child are selfish?
Lelophants · 05/11/2020 20:08

You poor thing. What a slap in the face!!
If you have one you can do so much more for them. Fwiw my 2 closest friends are only children and very kind, intelligent and sensitive people.

Millie2013 · 05/11/2020 20:08

I think you need a new friend, she sounds like a right bitch
I’m an only, OH is an only, DD will be an only and we’re all very happy Flowers

madcatladyforever · 05/11/2020 20:12

My son is perfectly happy at nearly 40 being an only child. Its far more selfish to have multiple children over populating the world. Tell her to mind her own business. What a busybody.

PatsyJStone · 05/11/2020 20:17

Don’t have another child because of pressure to, it will come out and the second child will know one day it wasn’t a genuine want, loving, or happily chosen conception. Just my experience though.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 05/11/2020 20:29

You know your friend - was she genuinely having a dig or just being thoughtless ?

I ask because you sound to me like you carry a lot of guilt over your decision to only have one, saying you think your husband resents you even though he denies that, and I do wonder if that colours your thinking and has an impact on how you take comments such as this, which can be more thoughtless than deliberately hurtful.

Pascal2908 · 05/11/2020 21:27

[quote Odile13]@Pascal2908 I wonder if your grandparents had a reason that they didn’t feel comfortable telling your mother. Lots of things weren’t as socially acceptable or talked about then as they are today, even things like birth trauma.[/quote]
Nope - that might have d been much easier . My Grandmother didn't work. Has both a cook and a house keeper.. GD travelled the world as a coffee buyer before becoming chair of the commodity market.. my dgm just loved the glamour of the Grosvenor house receptions in the 40s and 50s .. thought another child would hinder that .. despite having a nanny to care for the child ..

Pascal2908 · 05/11/2020 21:34

[quote Odile13]@Pascal2908 I wonder if your grandparents had a reason that they didn’t feel comfortable telling your mother. Lots of things weren’t as socially acceptable or talked about then as they are today, even things like birth trauma.[/quote]
No .
They were entirely selfish. Putting their life choices above their children. They died. Leaving ONE to deal with a left patent and all the emotions. No one to share it with.

MN is full of did functional siblings.. but consider the rest of us that don't post because we live and adore our siblings. To deny my child that would be a travesty . Luckily I have three who all adore each other .

AlexaShutUp · 05/11/2020 22:03

Point her to some of the research about outcomes for only children, and tell her that you couldn't possibly inflict a sibling on your child!

CeibaTree · 05/11/2020 23:07

@Pascal2908 you do realise you are posting on the one child family topic, and to an OP who due to a traumatic labour isn't mentally able to have another and you are writing about what a 'travesty' it would be to not give a child a sibling?! Ffs have a bit of sensitivity or don't post on these kinds of threads - as how is your reply helpful in any way to the OP?

AlexaShutUp · 05/11/2020 23:15

Nah, I reckon Pascal2908 knows exactly what she was doing and was deliberately having a dig at the OP.

DownThePlath · 05/11/2020 23:47

@Pascal2908

Totally agree with the other posters. You are basically implying that only children are worse off, and that their parents are selfish. Bullshit.

Get off the thread with your goady crap.

Pascal2908 · 06/11/2020 07:56

DownThePath
This is a parenting forum where people are entitled to express their views. Not having the same view does not make me ‘goady’ it makes me ..of a different opinion.
All our views are usually formed by a lived experience. Everyone’s experience is different and therefore so are the opinions.

My lived experience has been my elderly mothers regret that she never had a sibling. Especially after her parents died.
You ‘accuse’ me of implying that being an only child is a worse experience than being born of a sibling group. My answer is yes, from my experience of my own family. Both as a mother, aunt and daughter - where we have only children, as well as sibling groups in our extended family - I would say, without a doubt the children with siblings have a better life experience. My opinion . Which is just as valid as anyone else’s . Even those with an opposite opinion.

userxx · 06/11/2020 08:01

Just because you have a sibling it doesn't mean you will be close. I'm an only child and won't be left alone when my parents go, I've got cousins, friends, boyfriend 🤷‍♂️

AlexaShutUp · 06/11/2020 08:07

Pascal2908, you are entitled to your opinion, but the research simply doesn't back you up.

It's a shame that growing up with siblings didn't help you to acquire any empathy or compassion for others.

Sickoffamilydrama · 06/11/2020 08:20

I've it's any comfort OP I had a friend say similar when I had another, something along the lines of it's selfish to have another child as the first misses out.

Some people are idiots although sometimes they are just thoughtless and don't even think before speaking.