Feeling such guilt but just cannot do it all again....friends cruel comment

[universal83]

Hey first nervous post here.
I had my little boy 7 years ago and after a crap pregnancy and then traumatic labour I always said I was done!! I have never since felt broody at all ever. My husband on the other hand has always felt regret we did not have another child. Whilst it has always ultimately been my decision I have always felt he resented me for it but he denies this. Anyway last week my best friend announces she is 14 weeks pregnant with her second and says to me 'well I could never leave so and so without a sibling it is just awful and cruel' she knows I feel terrible guilt over my selfish decision to not give my child a sibling. I feel a terrible mother and wife for making my son an only child through choice. Yet I do not feel this about other mothers who chose one only:( my boy is so so loved and well rounded and happy. He did want a sibling when much younger but has not asked or shown desire in recent year or two.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a knob.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Is she jealous of you in some way?

I have moments of guilt about only having one. I always thought I'd have 2 or 3 children but I had a difficult recovery after my son's birth. That coupled with a not so helpful partner and a very unsettled baby, I quickly decided I wouldn't be having any more. I was one of 6 and only ever got along with 2 of my siblings. The others I have barely any contact with. I can see so many positives to being an only and anyone that focuses on the negative is not worth your time. After all, it's your life and nobody should judge your individual circumstances because they are not living in your shoes.

I should also mention that my partner has 3 siblings and is very low contact with them. Siblings don't always get along.

@Pascal2908

DownThePath This is a parenting forum where people are entitled to express their views. Not having the same view does not make me ‘goady’ it makes me ..of a different opinion. All our views are usually formed by a lived experience. Everyone’s experience is different and therefore so are the opinions.

My lived experience has been my elderly mothers regret that she never had a sibling. Especially after her parents died.
You ‘accuse’ me of implying that being an only child is a worse experience than being born of a sibling group. My answer is yes, from my experience of my own family. Both as a mother, aunt and daughter - where we have only children, as well as sibling groups in our extended family - I would say, without a doubt the children with siblings have a better life experience. My opinion . Which is just as valid as anyone else’s . Even those with an opposite opinion.

Of course you are entitled to your opinion but you know it's not compulsory you give it in a situation where it could be hurtful to other people.

@Pascal2908- I agree you are entitled to your opinion but why seek out a thread where the OP is hugely conflicted to make her feel guilty about potentially not having another? If you & your siblings & your children are truly so happy why feel the need to judge others? The happiest people & those most at peace with their decisions don’t feel the need to make others feel inadequate. There are lots of lovely parents of multiple children who post on the one child family friends to provide reassurance to acknowledge that there is no one size fits all approach. Your family experience is not everyone’s experience so you could at least acknowledge that.

My dp loves being an only, my mum didn’t.

I get on with my siblings, others don’t.

There is no one right way for a family to look

Either way your friend is an arsehole!

Of course it's not wrong to have an only child. What a horrible 'friend', to say something so silly and also frankly a bit thick.
There are all types of family and no single type that is happy or 'right' or single type that is sad or 'wrong' . It's the lot of a parent to constantly feel like you've ruined your dc's life though!
(+ what Titsinknocks said!)

Op that would finish the friendship for me. The very point of friends is to support and be there for each other, it was an extremely low blow and what exactly is someone like this bringing to your life?

She is a frenemy. Ditch her. Make new friends, move on.

You would be happier with no friends at all than friends like her!

Only children have plenty of advantages. This idea that siblings are there for each other is for the birds, I haven't seen my brother in years, neither of us are fussed. If I need to turn to someone it will always be my trusty friends or dh. Not family. So please don't buy into the BS that you are providing lifelong companionship for ds, you most definitely are not - and in some cases siblings can bring a lot of distress, abuse and damage to a child's life. Life is not a fairytale.

Be confident and happy with your decision. It was the right one for you and your child. Enjoy your ds and make some decent friends that care enough about you not to hurt you in that way.

Having one child is amazing. We have a 15 year old boy. He is everything we could wish for. We lavish his with love and attention and he gives us cero attitude and good grades.
We are older parents and for us was the best. He loves being an only child and his friends are substitutes for siblings.
Not a single regret on the contrary.

She's not a friend OP. And she wasn't being tactless, she was being a bitch.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having one child and I suspect in future this will become the norm or at least more common than it now is.
Even if you don't have many friends, you're honestly better off without this one.

I’m pregnant with my second and feeling all kinds of guilt about taking my attention and time away from DD. You just can’t win!!

I would have just shrugged and said ‘well it doesn’t seem to have done my DS any harm’ - think of all the extra holidays and treats etc you can afford without the expense of another child. And at this stage, the very last thing a 7 year old wants is a little baby taking up all your time.

My son is an only . A decision we took due to various factors . He's a young adult now, confident, outgoing, very mature and empathetic. We have a really good relationship with him and have done throughout his teenage years .

Your friend has issues to deal with herself. That comment had many layers to it. Ignore her!!!!

I am in the same boat. I have one 5 year old and we intended to have 2, just assumed we would but we had some losses and now I feel too drained with it all that we think we will stick with one. We will try to bring him to be kind and caring and responsible. He has friends and good relationshops with adults.
Do not worry. Whatever decision you make is the right one. Go with your gut instinct- do it because you really want another child as you will carry, birth and be the first port of call for that child.
Good luck. It is hard decision and I have felt that guilt too. X

If you plus DH plus DS all would like to experience living with an extra child in the house, there are plenty of them, unwanted, in care. Fostering could be an option, because you could opt to take someone needing only a short term stay for a family crisis or awaiting a permanent adoption. What's more, you could choose the age and sex .

To deny my child that would be a travesty

I have two kids who are the best of pals; as an only child myself, their relationship is an absolute miracle to me and watching it is one of the absolute highlights of motherhood. BUT...you can’t guarantee this ex ante. You do not know whether your kids will have this sort of relationship or if, like my DH and his siblings, they won’t get on and would have preferred to be only children. Luck plays a huge part in this - as it does in so many areas of life. Much better just to embrace what you have.

@universal83 I have 4 DC I love having more than average I know all the pros and cons of siblings as a parent 😂

I have no relationship with my DB he made my life unbearable at times tbh.

Your "friend" is an utter cow 🤬 what she said is unkind and untrue.

Enjoy your DS and your perfect family 3!

She sounds like an absolute piece of shit. I would start to let this friendship go. You have made the correct decision. Im sure when she is stuck with a screaming baby she won’t feel so sure of herself then.
My best friend is child free by choice and has never, ever criticised me for having children. Nor I her for choosing not to. Probably why we are still test friends 30 years on.

I am an only and I only have 1 but I will be honest that was something that was never raised by either side I think we both just like having one child, DH has an older sibling they get on really well but has never made him want anymore children

The only downside of being an only child for me and I say downside loosely because it's more of a downside for my friends than me but I like my nights to myself, I think that's due to being a child who played out with friends majority of days and was alone at night but I will also add this came with getting older and not enjoying the going out on town anymore, I still like to go and have a bottle of wine with my friends once every 2 weeks pre lockdown but I do like to chill in the house at night on my own, I like my own company

People have said to me 'you can't leave DD on her own' ...erm why not?! I'd have to carry another, give birth, do the night wakings, give up work, and try and spread myself even thinner. No.

To be providing a sibling is not enough reason to have a second child.
You don't need to justify your choices.
Having no kids is ok
Having one kid is ok
Having 5 kids is ok!

Not a good friend

OP you have made the right decision for you and your child (because happy mum= happy child) and you need to start owning your decision out loud to yourself and others. Families come in all shapes and sizes, there are pros and cons to having any number of siblings, including none. Really.

Next time please congratulate your friend on her pregnancy and point out to her exactly how her cruel words make you feel in a way that will help her to understand.

FWIW I know several only children - the most happy, secure and delightful children who do not want or need siblings because they have friends and they have parents with tome to spend with them. You need feel NO guilt or concern whatsoever about your son’s future - in the nicest possible way that is massive waste of time and energy that should be spent enjoying him and making the most of your perfect situation now that he is out of the demanding baby/toddler stage!

Thanks everyone for all the comments I could not reply after Pascal and her comments above. I know it was done to upset me and mentally I could not go there but I did read x

Your friend sounds like a proper cow and I'd be tempted to unfriend her! Immediately! We are all on our own journey and there isn't a right way to be a mother. I recall years ago a 'friend' with two kids casually referring to my child an a 'lonely child' instead of an only child. I cried at the time as I didn't have a 2nd due to traumatic birth and poor mental health. But now I shrug and wonder how I could've cared what she thought. You sound lovely and your boy very loved and that's enough.

Thank you so much lovely x x xI am sorry you had a 'friend's say something so cruel how vile

Adopted children were told they were extra special because instead of just having to accept whatever baby came along, their parents went and picked them out, so they really were a chosen select few. (Years ago, it actually was the way people could pick out a child, from a row of cots)

Only children have a similar inner assurance, no matter if it is spelled out to them or not. Clearly, they were perfectly acceptable to their parents. Their parents did not try even once to get something better. (If they did, but failed, they can keep quiet about it.)

That was really mean of your friend.

Your child is loved and gets all your attention - you're not doing anything wrong. Remember that siblings don't always get on! Sometines one child has more needs than another that leaves the parents feeling guilty about the other child not getting as much attention. I think guilt goes with being a parent, whether it's warranted or not. Don't let other people get inside your head - you make the decisions based on what's best for you.