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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Been put off by first child??

49 replies

AnxietyStrikes · 09/11/2017 22:11

Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone has been put off having more children by experience with the first?

I originally wanted 3 children. My dd is 4 months and I am 100% never doing this again. I dont think i can go through the baby stage again. It is destroying me. Dd is incredibly high needs and seems to be crying the majority of the day.

Does this make me selfish? Will she be alright as an only child? I figure she's better off me putting everything I have into her rather than making myself miserable by having another baby?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Bella8 · 09/11/2017 22:38

Hi, I know exactly how you feel! DS is 8 months old and although I love him to more than life itself he has been and can still be a very difficult baby god bless him! He suffers from silent reflux so screamed the first 3 months solid until we got it properly diagnosed and got him on the correct medicine. He also was extremely colicky -and certainly hasn't been one of those easy babies that sleeps all of the time! I will tell you however it does get better. 4 months was a terrible age for DS and it's the age they go through growth spurt/developmental leaps and right around their imms which DS has major reaction too (not serious or anything though). I remember crying every single day with him through sheer exhaustion; it got so difficult at times! However hang in there because I can tell you it does get much better. I found by 6.5 months DS was doing much better, really coming into his own and even giggling and a happy little chap; he finally began sleeping after previously being a serial cat napper of no more than 30 mins, 40 if I was lucky! However at 8 months he is having some real trouble with his teething even though he already has almost 6 teeth. I think he may be getting more. They say the first year is hard but the first 6 month the hardest! So much rapid growth and development in the first year and once that's over things are supposed to really settle down. I'm actually warming to the idea of another; one minute I have baby fever and the next I don't know if I could do it all again and still feel somewhat traumatised !! The fact i am wavering And considering a second one just shows that it does get better. Your feelings now may not be the same in a few months.

BackforGood · 09/11/2017 22:43

Things change a lot. When dc1 was 4 months I was a wreck.
I have 3 dc nw, and can reassure you that just because dc1 was a really hard slog for you, it does NOT mean that dc2 or dc3 will be the same. Mine weren't. However, you are in the very, very early stages. Don't need to make it 'a thing' now - decide in a couple of years time.

derekthe1adyhamster · 09/11/2017 22:43

My first was very high maintenance as a baby and toddler. My second was that dream baby everyone else has. Now they are wonderful teens.
Give yourself some time. There is almost exactly 3 years between my two.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 09/11/2017 22:47

Your little one is still so little. You may change your mind and want another or you may not.
Each family is different and what works for one may not work for others.

I only have one child. Comepltely happy with our decision and he is a happy little chap too.

AtSea1979 · 09/11/2017 22:47

4 months is no time at all. You may feel differently in 4 more months. I loved the 8-12 month kind of stage. Then again you might not. Babies aren't for everyone. Having 2 is so much much harder than 1.

RedPandaMama · 09/11/2017 22:55

I feel similar OP. My DD is only 3 months old, I always wanted 2 children but I think I might be done. I'm not even sure why I feel like this as, aside from a bit of colic, she's an amazing baby - very easy going and chilled out, and a surprising amount of people have told me I seem like a really good mum. But I still don't know if I can do it all again.

I know I'll probably change my mind in a few years though as my sister and I have 3 years between us and she's my best friend and I'd love my daughter to have similar.

BackforGood · 09/11/2017 23:28

Having 2 is so much much harder than 1

Not for me it wasn't.
This question is regularly asked on MN and I am by no means alone in thinking that.

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 10/11/2017 04:49

My 2nd DC was like your 1st and I know I couldn't do it again. If she'd been my 1st I'm not sure I could've had a second.

My 1st child was a dream baby, easy going, slept....and I still found the baby phase pretty focking miserable

They are 4&6 now though and absolute joy so it does get better, but for me it didn't get easier until the youngest was out of the toddler phase

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/11/2017 04:54

DD encouraged me to want a second (I didn't want any!) and discouraged DH.

And I think that's sort of the point. I was worried about the hard work and commitment and lack of freedom etc. So when DD arrived and all that was true but she was so fabulous and incredible, I was keen to do it again. DH thought it would be sunshine and roses and DD is very hard work...

metalkprettyoneday · 10/11/2017 05:06

You might forget about how hard it was in a few years. I have an only and she was so easy and I loved the baby stage so much. ( I love every stage so far). I know a lot of people who had difficult first babies and have all gone on to have more children. If the first one goes well sometimes you feel content and don't need to do it all again I think.

Emabrmsca · 10/11/2017 06:19

mrsterrypratchett I am in exactly the same position.
I would love another but dp has been put off.

Dd is 3 now and we have found it hard work all the way through. I wanted a sibling for her but I don't think it's going to happen.
In a way I'm relieved because I am finding the toddler stage very hard.

hannah1992 · 10/11/2017 06:27

I have 2 dds my first was a dream baby and toddler. Slept through from being about 4 months old. As a toddler she had no issues playing by herself while I got jobs done. My second however, wasn't a bad sleeper but she nearly 2 now and doesn't sleep in her own bed all night. She refuses to go to bed so ends up cuddling with me and I carry her to bed then she comes and gets in my bed through the night. She climbs on everything. She's always in things she shouldn't be (and knows she shouldn't be). She's very demanding. Saying that though she is a funny happy and confident little lady. However if she was my first I wouldn't have had any more.
There's 5 years between mine and that poses problems too and I often wish I had a smaller age gap

Jenijena · 10/11/2017 06:33

My first child wasn’t easy (reflux, crap sleeper) and I knew I didn’t like the baby stage much, but wanted to try for a sibling. It took a couple of years of trying it when DC2 arrived - a crying, puking, non sleeping mess - I did think some times I’d done the wrong thing (during my second pregnancy, and bearing in mind I’d spent three years of my life trying to get pregnant, I hadn’t ruled out the idea of a third). DC2 is now 19 months and lovely and I’m reminded that I don’t like babies much (but I’m warmer on the idea of a third...)

mimiholls · 10/11/2017 06:38

I felt exactly the same as you at 4 months. You are still in the trenches. You don't need to make any decisions yet. It gets a lot easier.

donajimena · 10/11/2017 06:49

My first was a non sleeping always crying velcro baby. He also had reflux. I would never have had a second. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I had a little contraceptive failure ..Number 2 baby was an absolute dream with regards to sleep etc but obviously there was no way of knowing that. What I did know is that even if number 2 was as 'bad' as my first with regards to sleep etc is that the early days are fleeting and that I would cope.
My first was 14months old when I became pregnant. If I'd been 4 months I think I would have had a total meltdown. I would have thought coping with 2 have been an impossibility.
Going from one to two wasn't anything as bad as going from zero to one. The life shock had already taken place.
It hasn't all been a bed of roses parenthood but it has been and continues to be good
I'd say four months is too early to think about it.

Pigletpoglet · 10/11/2017 06:53

I have 1. The baby stage was really hard - turns out she's autistic. It definitely put me off having another. DH is a single and loved being an only one. He only ever wanted one, and she definitely doesn't want siblings, so worked out great in the end!

ohlittlepea · 10/11/2017 06:55

not put off completely but we did leave a longer gap. DD will be almost 5 before she has a sibling...she had a really hard time sleeping ( up for at least 2 hours in misdle of thr night) and only slept through 2 out of 3 nights at 3.5 years. Love her to buts, but wish she had found sleep easier, ive aged ten years in the last 4 im sure 😁

CluelessMummy · 10/11/2017 07:03

I would have said the exact same thing when DD was 4 months. Actually, 6 months even. Now she's 12 months and I'm 2 months pregnant They do change quickly.

Luckystar1 · 10/11/2017 07:09

My oldest was a very difficult baby, (or maybe I just hadn't a clue what I was at, who knows!), but by God I found him tough.

I got pregnant, surprisingly, 1 week after his first birthday and #2 is now 15 months. She is the light of our lives and has made me a much better mother to both of them.

I cried daily when pregnant with her saying 'I just cannot have another child like DC1'.

DC1 has just turned 3, and is (mostly!) a delight!

ninjapants · 10/11/2017 07:32

I only have one DS. I know he'll be fine as an only child. He was very hard work as a baby (he didn't sleep through until well over a year old) and I never want to do that again. However my main reason for not wanting another is that my DH was very unsupportive in the months following DS's birth. While it would have been hard regardless, it would have been a lot easier if he'd helped. Is your DH/P supportive?
Turned out DH suffers from depression and DS's arrival hit him hard. He only stepped up when I went back to work, but he still struggles occasionally.
DS is happy, I'm content with the dynamic of our family, DH is still unwell at times. Not having another child is the right choice for our family. Do what is right for yours.

P.S. It will get easier!

Autumndays14 · 10/11/2017 09:28

The baby and toddler stage don’t last long - think about what you would like from family life in the future. Don’t base it all on these very short early years!

Autumndays14 · 10/11/2017 09:31

By the way, 2 is easier as they have a ready made friend and entertainer!

CbeebiesAddict · 10/11/2017 15:02

Yes me! Always wanted 3 DC but the first year or DS' life rules that out for me. The lack of sleep and the constant crying broke me and I had no support other than DH (I know that's more than some people have). I also found that having DS reopened all the wounds from my childhood which I really wasn't expecting.

DH has a vasectomy when DS was 9 months so we were still in the thick of it. Things are much better now and we are starting to forget how hard it was so I am so glad we got it done before we forgot as we are now safe :)

Original poster

AnxietyStrikes · 10/11/2017 16:16

I think that having no support is something that has sealed the deal for me.

Dp is fantastic, but he works long hours so I'm mainly on my own.

My family are too far away to help and dp's family don't come here unless dp is here. And even then if dd cries they leave. They don't acknowledge that I had anything to do with the creation or keeping alive of dd.

I guess I under estimated how hard it would be without anyone to just check in or pop round when I'm having a hard day with dd.

OP posts:

RavingRoo · 10/11/2017 16:19

Regardless of whether you have another child, you need support for this one. Can you drive? If so then take the baby out and about, for your sanity if nothing else. Surestart centres and baby clubs are pretty good in that you can normally find other mums to talk too.

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