Been put off by first child??

[AnxietyStrikes]

Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone has been put off having more children by experience with the first?

I originally wanted 3 children. My dd is 4 months and I am 100% never doing this again. I dont think i can go through the baby stage again. It is destroying me. Dd is incredibly high needs and seems to be crying the majority of the day.

Does this make me selfish? Will she be alright as an only child? I figure she's better off me putting everything I have into her rather than making myself miserable by having another baby?

I thought the same until my DD was 3. Then I thought I could manage another. DS was a much easier baby, or maybe I was less stressed but it's all worked out fine anyway!

I have a 4 yr age gap as I thought I couldn’t face it again as first baby was so very very challenging (also later got an ASD diagnosis). Decided to go for another as it couldn’t possibly be as bad... baby number 2 was even worse. Severe reflux, CONSTANT crying for months and didn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time day or night until 8 months old. It was so bad that I crashed the car falling asleep at the wheel. Luckily no one was injured. DS2 is 3 now and getting much easier but the toll on my mental and physical health and on our marriage has been really enormous.

So yes while I adore DS2 as well,if I had known it would be like that I would probably have stopped at one.

Also no family support near by which I think was a major contributing factor. I was on my own with it all 12hrs a day.

I found two MUCH easier than one, and i am alone 18 hours each day. My first was an incredibly difficult baby and still is as a 3 year old but the baby has been a walk in the park and they entertain each other nicely.

I felt like you. Always wanted three. Then found pregnancy/birth/newborn bit incredibly tough so we gave some serious thought to sticking with one. If you only want one that is absolutely fine and might be right for you. We’ve ended up deciding to go for a second and I’m pregnant now - but DS is nearly 5! Which for some people is ‘too long’ in between but right for us. No regrets, I couldn’t face it any sooner.

You might change your mind. Or you might not and that’s fine too.

I think supportive family near by is really important. We were never meant to raise children in isolation but that is the reality for many parents. All the ladies from my postnatal groups who are going on to have more have family in the area.

AnxietyStrikes I'm in exactly the same situation as you, I have no family support as we currently have 3 estranged grand parents, one estranged uncle. DS has no cousins and one grandparent who pops in on the odd occasion but isn't able to support. He also has one uncle who he sees from time to time but is unable to support. I am on my own long days as DH works long hours and has a lengthy drive too and from work. I felt like you did and I'm still
now sure now DS is 8 months old. I really want to give DS a sibling to play with and I realise all babies aren't the same; some easier than others. But I think the first year is far too early to make this decision so I'm not going to make it yet! Give yourself some time and breathing room; no hurry.

Not by the actual child as he was lovely once out but I had:
a mc
a lap and dye
Clomid
A tfmr
Array CGH ICSI
Constant bleeding from 6-10 weeks then again from 23-36 weeks
Placenta praevia
Sacroiliac joint pain
A valsalva retinopathy caused by vomiting even into the third trimester- I could have lost the sight in my eye
EMCS at 36 weeks.
Any wonder I’m never doing it again?

Just for some context I had a traumatic birth, failed at breastfeeding, dd had colic, reflux and cries majority of the day. She will not nap during the day so it constantly over tired causing more crying. I spend the majority of my day desperately trying to get her to sleep.

She screams in the car in till she's sick and starts to choke, she screams in the pram. Everywhere we've ever been she's screamed.

Because of all of the above I'm stuck in the house 24/7 - I actually cannot tell you the last place I went or the last person that wasn't my dp that I have seen. I am miserable and completely defeated. My relationship is suffering massively because of my extreme low mood.

Have a gp appointment in a couple of weeks to discuss pnd.

You poor thing. I promise this gets better. Can your DP have her this weekend at all and you get out and do something, anything without her? dc2 screamer massiveky too and it was horrible, which is why I sAy from a place of knowledge that feeling the way doesn’t make you a bad mum, btw.

I have no family nearby either (another country, and in laws are 7 hours drive away), it makes things really hard, and it makes me sad that we will probably stop at 2 children for that reason.

My husband was also AWFUL after my older child was born. Basically zero help. He was better with my 2nd as I made bloody sure of it!

I do agree with others that things do get easier (well they get different!) and you do forget (in only 20 months between my 2 I had completely forgotten what a newborn was like!)

My 2nd probably is hard work, but her big brother paved the way for her so I'm so much more chilled.

But there's nothing wrong with stopping at 1 if that's what you want!

Ah your baby sounds like mine. Especially the not sleeping/overtired thing (we had other issues too). Nightmare. I swore off ever having another and thought I'd turned our life into hell.

4 months was a turning point. I got a sleep consultant round who sleep trained her using controlled crying. On MN that will get me tarred and feathered but in RL it was a total lifesaver.

Still took me till DD was 18 months to come round to the idea of DC2 but now we have DD2 - she was a far easier baby and it is great having two. They adore each other.

Like a few on this thread DC1 now has a diagnosis (but cerebral palsy not ASD). If we'd got that earlier we maybe wouldn't have had DC2 but that would have been a mistake, in our case.

Anyway what I'm saying is - don't decide yet. And consider sleep training.

Three would definitely break me though!! All the people I know with 3 have had fairly easy children.

I’m another whose first was a nightmare (despite the love). Yet no’s 2 and 3 were a dream. You just don’t know.

It's so strange I went to the opticians today...and my optician told me that she had a baby in September and was pregnant again by December the same year.
Her first had colic and reflux and sounded just as bad as mine...and she got pregnant again by choice!!!
I couldn't believe my ears

With the benefit of hindsight I can clearly see that I had postnatal depression after both babies but I was so far past myself that I didn’t realise and one of the saddest things I have realised in retrospect is that no one around me noticed either despite the fact I was a mess. So yes please speak to your gp. I imagine my memories of my babies early years might not be so negative if I had been feeling better in myself.

Every baby is different. Your second baby may be a easier baby! Don’t let this experience put you off having anymore babies.

'Today 16:36 AnxietyStrikes

It's so strange I went to the opticians today...and my optician told me that she had a baby in September and was pregnant again by December the same year.
Her first had colic and reflux and sounded just as bad as mine...and she got pregnant again by choice!!!
I couldn't believe my ears.'

Whoah her first child won't long have turned 1 when her second is born. That would be so difficult. I think having babies closer together is fine and each to their own but personally I'd like my body to recover alittle more and I think you need at least a year minimal.

I've decided to only have one but for the opposite reasons. DD is such a content, placid happy baby and child that karma dictates my second will be a demon
I always thought I would have 4 but am happy with one

I would love for dd to have siblings, I'm just hoping that in time things will get easier and I'll come round to idea.

Hi. My first baby cried constantly for the first few months,she had Coli and was a right misery!People would ask what was wrong with her!
2nd baby (a boy) was a dream. Not amazing at sleeping (I did sleep training with both of mine at various points) but a really happy chap.
They are 9&7 now. They always have someone to argue play with and when we go to the park/on holiday they make a great team.
You don’t need to decide now,and if you stick with one there are also many benefits.

DD is 23 months and was a very easy baby and we still barely coped (I had PND, no family support as three grandparents dead and the fourth too far away). We always said we’d at least like one, probably two kids, and DH says he thinks siblings really important (he speaks to his brother twice a year and we’ve seen him precisely four times in eight years!) but I have put my foot down so far. At the moment we couldn’t afford the childcare for a second anyway so the question is academic. It also took a long time to conceive DD so I think we are out of time (I am 38, DH a lot Older).

It took a long time to bond with DD (difficult birth and feeding problems) and I really didn’t like her at all for several months. I don’t think I could go through that again.

I would have if I had waited longer. Toddler tears are by far the worst. Never again.

Not sure if anyone has asked, but how old are you?

I'm 26, not sure what difference it makes though?

Conceived very quickly the first time so i have lots of time of I do change my mind in a few years if that's why you are asking?