Only child, lonely child?

[SpottySocks29]

Hi guys,

I'm looking for reassurance here and I'm sure you can offer it to me. I'm pregnant with my first and we don't plan to have anymore children after this.

Someone mentioned to me an only child is a lonely child and it has stuck in my head and makes me sad to think my child could grow up feeling this way... can anyone reassure me please.

I'm an only & had a very happy childhood, absolutely no regrets & not lonely or spoilt.

The only downside is now after my fathers unexpected death I'm coping alone with my mum who has health problems & struggling to cope with her grief. So I sometimes wish I have a sibling to share the burden. Mum is also an only child so no aunts/uncles cousins either.
On the other hand DH has a sibling & they live in different countries & are not in touch. No big drama they just don't see or speak to each other.

We ended up with 2 DC by accident I was happy with one. They swing from best friends to mortal enemies. I guess time will tell if it's been a good decision

I was an only child. I am never lonely because I have learned to enjoy my own company if need be.

I'm an only child, and I also have an only child. (Which I guess says something of itself, though it was partly due to health issues & other circumstances.)
I was never lonely as a child, and I'm never lonely as an adult - I have good friends, but I also like my own space & enjoy being alone. I have to say I think that is perhaps more a reflection of my personality than my lack-of-siblings though. DD takes after me - again she has a nice group of friends, but she really likes down time & space.
Frankly looking around at friends/family I think it's pure luck - you could have two siblings with a wonderful supportive relationship, or 2 children who never get along as children or adults - or something somewhere in between. Ex-H has 2 siblings and sees them maybe once or twice a year tops, when we lived abroad he saw neither for 5 years plus & didn't phone / communicate other than xmas / birthday cards. I don't think that's unusual.
I'm in my late 40s with elderly parents - I'm in the 'no harder than for most of my friends' camp - unless siblings live close together then its the way of the world that if one lives near to parents they do the vast majority of the care.

What I do have is good close emotionally supportive relationships with friends, maybe as an only I have tended to develop and value them more?

Should say I am an only due to fertility reasons - I was a late bonus baby of a mum who wanted 5 + dc but only got me!

I think that if possible children should have siblings.

I know it's not always possible- but if we're talking ideal world......

Consequently, although I can fake confidence and can chat away to people, I find it incredibly difficult and exhausting. It's like there's so much I never learned about social interaction and I'm always questioning myself and my behaviour, wondering if I'm 'doing it right'.

Same here and I'm one of 4 😁

Will be back when I've read all of the thread.

I think that if possible children should have siblings

How many, Bert? What sex and what age gap?

I think the thing people are missing about caring for elderly parents isn't so much that it usually falls to one person anyway, it's the way it shapes expectations.

I know a number of families where it's already clear which sibling is likely to take the lead when their parents get older. However, the only children I know, including myself, seem to factor it in differently. The 'carer siblings' haven't made any significant changes to their lives in advance. I have one good friend who, despite a career path that would have prospered if he had gone to work in mainland Europe- which he would have loved- felt he needed to face up to the fact that longer-term he needed to be closer to home so never moved abroad. This is in his mid-twenties, many years before his parents would need support.

I lived overseas but always thought about career planning with regards to a need to move back in my mid-thirties, which I have done. I know two other only child friends who have had similar worries/concerns since their early twenties- none of us discuss this with our parents, but we know the reality and it is in the back of our minds.

One difference might be we're all only children of older parents. But it is a reason I'm planning on having two. Also- DH isn't especially close to his siblings. But, they are people he has a shared history with. It's so strange thinking when my parents aren't there anymore there will be nobody who really remembers my childhood in that way.

I didn't enjoy being an only child, but I don't think it's a tragedy. If an only child will give you the space to love and nurture your child in a way you couldn't with two, then have one. If you have left I too late fertility-wise to have a second, that's not a reason not to have an only child or to feel bad about it. But if people feel like they should stick with one as a choice because of, say, being able to afford better holidays or private education, I don't think that's a sensible choice: I was super jealous of my friends who shared rooms and went on camping holidays.

I have a planned only (had him at 33). I had a sibling and he made my life a living hell; now NC with him and parents who enabled it. I do worry that my DC is missing out but make a huge effort to foster friendships, and at least I know my DC isn't being relentlessly bullied in his own home.

I was/am am only child and never felt lonely. I had tonnes of friends and got on amazingly well with my parents. Fantastic from my point of view.

I don't get this caring for elderly parents thing. Even if there's 4 or 5 children they'll always be one who takes on more of the responsibility, either because they want to, they live closer, they had a better relationship with the parent(s) / all sorts of reasons. 4 children won't draw up a rota and happily share care for ( possibly ) years. It just doesn't happen.

The elderly parents issue aside, I still think it's better to have a sibling than not. Any gender, any age gap. It's just someone out there who shares your genes.

I currently have one child (newborn) and the thought of another pregnancy and labour terrifies me. But me and my two brothers (All similar ages) are so close, we're all in our twenties and we've been best friends for years. We're close to our parents and rest of our family.
I don't want my daughter to miss out on this bond.
I struggle to think of any only children I know that weren't lonely growing up.

Only adults tend to have a rose tinted idea of a sibling.
My brother has never really been any positive addition to my life. We never played together as children, different interests, very different lifestyles, only see each other at Christmas and each of our parents birthdays, he’s also spent a few years in NZ.

My DD is an only and we have no plans to have another. I think it would do us in to be honest, couldn’t do the baby stage again, not with a toddler as well! I do wonder if she will be lonely, but I also think she will benefit greatly from being an only as she thrives on attention. Time will tell.

I have a sister, we spent a lot of time together growing up as our parents were never around. We used to be really close, but not so much any more. She has fucked off to Australia and we don’t really talk much any more as most of the time she tries to make me feel bad for not looking after our elderly mother (huge backstory there), while she still manages to be the golden child despite being thousand of miles away. I don’t think she likes me very much and to be honest, the feeling is mutual. I love her though.

There is no right or wrong way, just other peoples’ preconceived ideas dogmatically forced onto other people.

I was very quiet, shy and lonely as a child - and there were loads of us kids! It depends on the child and the parents I guess.

DS is a single child. Lonely - nope! Self sufficient, happy and very outgoing.

And as for being 'the only one to look after parents...' I find it's usually left to the 'sensible one' to do all the crap in a family of siblings anyway.

I only wanted a twin for a while. Not sure why...

I have an only one. She pesters me regularly, laying on the guilt about how much she would love a baby brother or sister, and I have to gently explain that it isn't very likely.

I married late in life, had her in my late 30's. Had a complicated birth and PND, and now in my 40's with no local family and a DH who spends a lot of time away with work...I just don't think I could manage another.

She has a small army of cousins, makes friends easily and goes to lots of clubs so she gets plenty of social interaction. But when she gives me those puppy dog looks and pleads with me for a sibling, it does make my heart break a little bit.

I wanted to be a cat when I was a kid. I also wanted a grand piano. It passed.

Not RTFT but I am an only child. I was bored a lot as a kid but I've grown up pretty ace.

Your child will be fine x

TheBadgers if it's any comfort I have 3, fairly close in age and who get on pretty well overall - the eldest (a girl) and youngest (boy) frequently bemoan the fact I won't give them a little sister (specifically a little sister, as we have a girl and two boys and they feel we should have two of each). It also isn't going to happen.

I've know v resourceful successful, d

I have an only (DD - 5) through choice. No fertility issues, had her youngish (at 25) so plenty of time to have more if I wanted too. But she loves her life as it is, she occasionally asks for a baby brother or sister but then I remind her what her baby cousins are like, and that it would take a lot of time away from her and she quickly changes her mind! Our choice has been the best thing for our family, our DD is spoilt, as most only children are, but in that sense I mean with time and attention and getting her own way a lot of the time (which is easy to do with an only child.) She isn’t in any way a spoilt brat.

Sorry posted too soon . I've known decent resourceful, popular confident in short only children who have thrived and people with siblings who can't cope very well at all with adult life. If the only child was as bad as the stereotype and siblings were thus a 'necessity' this scenario wouldn't be possible. The best gift you can give an only is not necessarily the company of friends or cousins but allowing them to be there own person and a flexible attitude i.e. Knowing that you only will be possibly very different from you as grown up in a diffrent era, with different influences and interests and ambitions in life. The only child families I've known who haven't been had happy have been somewhat rigid in terms of parental Attitude. That said this advice could equally apply to multi child families

I think it's inevitable an only will feel lonely at times as they are the only child at home, no? Or holidays, days out etc. With a sibling they always have a little play mate in hand.

Greenday you are also stipulating that it must be a sibling within a certain age bracket then. My siblings are 11 and 14 years older than me and certainly didn't want to play with me when I was little.

However, I never felt lonely and really enjoyed being brought up virtually like an only child.