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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Only child, lonely child?

118 replies

SpottySocks29 · 23/09/2017 07:01

Hi guys,

I'm looking for reassurance here and I'm sure you can offer it to me. I'm pregnant with my first and we don't plan to have anymore children after this.

Someone mentioned to me an only child is a lonely child and it has stuck in my head and makes me sad to think my child could grow up feeling this way... can anyone reassure me please.

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MrsFezziwig · 23/09/2017 18:54

And shared care for elderly parents is not a reason to have another child - far too many variables as to how this situation pans out - sometimes it's helpful, many siblings just don't contribute and some just make a bad situation worse.

surferjet · 23/09/2017 19:03

It's silly to say an only child isn't necessarily lonely, of course they are! They're on their own when it matters, in the evenings, weekends, holidays, Christmas morning - the 'key' moments. But having a sibling doesn't guarantee happiness either. I was one of 4 but often felt lonely.
Don't stress too much, children grow up and make new relationships & friendships. Being lonely is a lot better than being unhappy anyway.
Accept your child maybe lonely at times - but so what?

AccrualIntentions · 23/09/2017 19:04

Consequently, although I can fake confidence and can chat away to people, I find it incredibly difficult and exhausting. It's like there's so much I never learned about social interaction and I'm always questioning myself and my behaviour, wondering if I'm 'doing it right'.

Bit of an assumption that this is a direct consequence of you being an only child? Sounds a lot like me, and I'm one of three.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 23/09/2017 19:21

They're on their own when it matters, in the evenings, weekends, holidays, Christmas morning - the 'key' moments.

Well, no... they are with their parents, relatives, friends...

Do you honestly think that if a child has to spend from, say, 5pm when they get home from school to 8pm when they go to bed only with their parents they are going to sit there mournfully dwelling on why there isn't another child around?? Trust me that is not how it is.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 23/09/2017 19:24

Are you using 'lonely' to mean 'the only child present' rather than 'a negative emotional state caused by having no one for company'?

ErrolTheDragon · 23/09/2017 19:25

They're on their own when it matters, in the evenings, weekends, holidays, Christmas morning

Not if they've got halfway decent parents.Confused

antwaki · 23/09/2017 20:32

I agree with what karate kitten said. I have an only DD and when a thoughtless neighbour smug twat up the road used to use the phrase Lonely Child instead of Only child I used to get v upset feel like I'd ruined Dd's life. DD is almost an adult now and tshe has turned out just lovely! My extended family have tons of siblings (over 10) and they do not get on at all. Full of drama and hurt Confused All live miles from each other apart from the odd one or two who are close. Totally swings and roundabouts - do what is best for you and try to enjoy DC and not worry. When I look back I wish I'd worried less what other people said and trusted my gut more. Me and DD have a v close relationship, completely different to me and my mum (loads of other family about which limited time spent together).

Slinkymalinky1 · 23/09/2017 22:59

Another only here. I had fleeting moments growing up where I wanted an older brother. But obviously my parents couldn't make that happen.
I always had friends round to play and my cousin came on holiday with us every year, which was fab! Still very close to my cousin.
There are definite advantages to being an only. My parents have only ever had to focus on me and my needs, I was a little bit spoilt. They bought me my first car and paid a deposit on my first house. But I don't think I behave like a spoiled princess. I fully appreciate how lucky I am and realise it was because I was an only child. I am super close to my mum.
I know as they get older it will all be on me and my husband to look after their needs and am 100% on board with that. It's the reason I've never took opportunities to move abroad. But I am happy with that sacrificeSmile

Slinkymalinky1 · 23/09/2017 23:03

I am also a community nurse and see many older people with lots of children. Generally it's either one dealing with everything because others have moved away, which causes resentment, or they've all moved away anyway! Having children does not guarantee a big family to look after you. That's not why we have children

LexieLulu · 23/09/2017 23:10

We've had two kids, but after a bad labour first time my husband wasn't great about the idea of a second (you'd think it was him who pushed a melon out of his peen)...

Anyway, when discussing with colleagues one (only child) said to be that when her parents die, she knows she will have no one.
My mum died when I was 26 so that really hit me.

Sorry if I'm not helping just putting out a view that made us discuss more x

Frazzled2207 · 23/09/2017 23:14

I'm an only, I had a broadly very happy childhood and a good relationship with my cousins. Everything I wanted materially and great holidays, private school etc. I do feel I missed out sometimes in terms of other kids to play with but that was partly to do with the fact that i lived quite rurally.

My mother wasn't able to have more kids so was somewhat overprotective of me which means we have a difficult relationship unfortunately.

My parents are still healthy but I do worry about what will happen when something happens to one of them- basically the burden will fall on me to sort everything and the other parent out. If there was a closer extended family it would be easier but there isn't. This is a key reason I wanted to have two of my own. My dh is one of three and since dfil died the three of them manage quite well together in caring for dmil. It will be very different for me.

A good friend has a deliberate only and lives in a place where the kids are in and out of each other's houses so growing up she won't suffer at all.

There's no reason an only child can't be happy growing up. The longer term issues are something to think about though IMO.

MissAlabamaWhitman · 23/09/2017 23:14

Yes, as an only I dread my mum dying.

Then my DC will only have me from my side of the family. It's good that my OH is the eldest of six so they are still likely to benefit from ants/uncles/cousins. Plus there are five of them, so that helps too.

MissAlabamaWhitman · 23/09/2017 23:14

Aunts, not ants 🐜

NameChanger22 · 23/09/2017 23:16

I'm a single parent with an only child. We have no relatives that we're in contact with.

DD isn't lonely, she has friends around all the time, is very happy, has great social skills and in 11 years has only twice mentioned that she'd like a brother or sister.

I had terrible problems with my siblings, so I consider DD to be lucky that she hasn't had to go through the same misery as me.

Brokenbiscuit · 23/09/2017 23:20

Every single child I know has gone on to have at least two children. I think that says a lot about their experience as an only.

Every single parent I know who has chosen to have an only child has siblings of their own. I think that says a lot about their experience as a sibling.

Or perhaps it says more about the fact that generalisations are pretty meaningless in reality.

Slinkymalinky1 · 23/09/2017 23:23

Those that worry about having no one if their parents die. Are you single? No children? No friends? I'm just trying to understand

EmeraldIsle100 · 23/09/2017 23:23

I like having brothers and sisters and my 2 DCs have one another and I am happy about that. I don't know the answer but I definitely don't think parents should have another child if they don't want one.

sillyswimmer · 23/09/2017 23:25

I'm an only child and I can honestly say that I have never felt lonely. I grew up around cousins and family friends. I don't ever once remember wishing I had a sibling. I was able to devote lots of time to sport and ended up representing my country. That's something my parents wouldn't have had the time or money to do if I'd have had siblings.

My DP is one of seven and he had a chaotic childhood and spent his time feeling lonely fighting for his parents attention. He hasn't spoken to 4 of his siblings for over ten years, and the other two for 5 years. He's a little bit jealous of my childhood.

As others have mentioned, there's advantages and disadvantages to being an only child or having siblings. Choosing to only have one child is perfectly ok. There's lots of us out there, and we're not necessarily lonely

applespearsbears · 23/09/2017 23:26

What Errolthedragon said completely

howrudeforme · 23/09/2017 23:32

I'm an only child of a parent who is an only child and I have one child.

Growing up as an only child I felt all eyes on me and maybe too much love. Parents had a bad marriage and I had no sibling to share it with. I felt like the parent in the family. I also sometimes felt a bit alone on family holidays where there were groups of siblings about. Having said that I'm independent and like company but don't need it.

I think my biggest disadvantage is that I'm too independent and that can be off putting sometimes.

I have one child and now sadly a lone parent. He has good friendships, only thing I struggle is with holidays. He's too shy to talk talk to groups of kids (thinking coastal resort Spain) so we do city holidays instead.

Most of my friends with siblings don't have good relationships with them.

Families come in all sorts of configurations and the kids generally turn out ok.

catbas · 23/09/2017 23:34

I'm an only and Always hated it and still do. My parents did their best for me and I had cousins but it was never the same. I almost feel it more now I'm older and see my friends with their siblings

DeadButDelicious · 24/09/2017 07:50

I am also a community nurse and see many older people with lots of children. Generally it's either one dealing with everything because others have moved away, which causes resentment, or they've all moved away anyway! Having children does not guarantee a big family to look after you. That's not why we have children

This is what happened to my dad, he was one of three, sadly one of his brothers died and the other is a notoriously funny bugger. So when my Grandma became ill it was pretty much left entirely to him as his brother just wasn't interested. When she died we found he'd changed his phone number and not told anyone. He found out through my cousin. They don't speak at all now. Too much water under the bridge. My dad may as well have been an only.

So yes, having siblings isn't a guarantee of anything. I hope that myself and my brother are on enough of the same page that we'll be able to make good decisions but you just don't know till you're living it.

AgainPlease · 24/09/2017 08:01

I absolutely hated and still hate being an only child.

PuffinsSitOnMuffins · 24/09/2017 08:23

I'm an only and never wished for siblings. I remember aged 17 hearing a friend talk about her older sister going off to university and being a bit surprised to hear someone talk about a sibling as if they were a friend, rather than at best, tolerated! I'd have happily had an only but DH wanted two.

Fortunatepiggy · 24/09/2017 08:46

I'm an only. Has an idyllic childhood never felt lonely but my parents invested huge time with me. We lived close to the beach which helped and I have very happy memories or spending time there every Sunday with my dad.

I have felt lonely as an adult I have lots of friends but no really close ones and I do wonder what it would have been like to have a sibling in adult life. I am exceptionally close to dps and ring them every day but they live 3 hours away. I have one ds and am currently deciding whether to have another. I do not think it will bother him if we don't as he is v sociable and confident. I do worry about when he is an adult and we are gone and that would make me want to give home more family if possible. Dhs family are not close and not interested in ds so can't count on them.

I also liked the hustle and bustle of other people's houses with bigger families when I visited but I'm happy in y own company

I have been debating this decision for a couple of years and now it may be too late due to age but I have come to decision that ds will be fine ( at least as a child) either way

He will know no different and will benefit from more time with us and opportunities if we don't have another

If we do have another he might gain a wonderful sibling relationship later in life ( they won't be playmates as he is nearly 5 already)

I don't know what I'm going to decide yet but the decision will be right for me ( and hopefully ds)