Only child, lonely child?

[SpottySocks29]

Hi guys,

I'm looking for reassurance here and I'm sure you can offer it to me. I'm pregnant with my first and we don't plan to have anymore children after this.

Someone mentioned to me an only child is a lonely child and it has stuck in my head and makes me sad to think my child could grow up feeling this way... can anyone reassure me please.

I have a teen who is an only child. She is very clear in saying that she's glad not to have siblings and certainly doesn't yearn for them now. She finds it easy to make friends and is part of a tight-knit group.

I can only echo what's been said about there being no guarantee that siblings will be close in later life or will share the care of older parents. My sibling doesn't do much to help my parents (despite living no farther away than I do) and in fact is often quite unkind and inconsiderate towards them, so that part of my responsibility is trying to undo the harm done there. Some people have a very rose-tinted view of the benefits of siblings.

I'm an only child;
Despite my parents' very best efforts ( private education/ holidays with best friends taken along) it is lonely.

I'm of the generation born in the eighties where only children were very much in the minority, my friends and peers without exception all have siblings, most usually sisters whom they are closer to than they are to me. I have good friends but they all have this sibling bond that I can't relate to as I've never experienced it.
Similarly my cousins have their own siblings whom they are geographically and socially closer to than they are to me.

I think perhaps it will be different for my children's generation as only children are now far more common and so hopefully the experience won't be so isolating for them.

My Dad died when I was twenty six and it was really bloody hard dealing with an emotionally and physically frail mother, my fathers' death, a toddler and a newborn on my own.

I do understand that not everybody has a positive sibling relationship but that's not my particular experience of my own friends and relatives so yes I do feel that I've been denied something lovely, as have my children in the way of aunts/uncles and cousins.

My mum battled with APS before being diagnosed recently so she suffered many miscarriages and infertility, it wasn't her choice to only have one child, ideally she wanted four. We are very close though and she adores her grandchildren so there are definitely some positives.

I'm an only child and wasn't lonely growing up, and I learned to appreciate peace and quiet after being in friends houses with all their brothers and sisters competing for attention and scrapping

That said though I am now dealing with two elderly parents alone, not caring for them just managing financial stuff along with working full time. I'd have appreciated at least the option of being able to share it all with a sibling

I've met only children who are lovely not spoilt and not lonely. I have also met only children who are spoilt horrible and incredibly lonely because they have neither siblings or friends.

it's down to the parenting really because I've met kids with siblings who fall into both of my above categories too.

My DS is an only and he says it is great. He is aware he gets more experiences and more choice/say than he would if we had to take another child's view into account. For example on holiday we will visit museums that interest him and don't need to go to ones than reflect another child's interests.

He's probably rather spoilt but he does not act in a spoilt way. He is kind and polite, friendly and grateful for the opportunities he has. He always notices the squabbles and tussles between siblings when he's in friends' homes and says he prefers it in his own home.

As a mum, I actually wish I'd been able to have more than one child, I would like more hustle and bustle at home, especially as DS grows up and we see less of him. It wasn't to be, but I am happy that DS is happy with the situation.

My mum was an only child so went on to have three children as she hated it so much. I didn't get on with my siblings at all growing up as they are older, and I don't really bother with them too much now. I'm stopping at two children close together in age personally.

*Applesandpears56

I'm sorry I do think siblings are incredibly important for a child.

One child families tend to be either people who have struggled with infertility or patents who have thought about children late in life and are just giving the kid thing a go but don't really want children to disrupt their life (Simon cowel an example here)*

Or how about those who had two children but one was stillborn, the other in hospital for several weeks and the resulting impact on the parents mental health meant they reached the hard conclusion that their family was complete. FFS.

Just parent your child to the best of your ability, whether you have one or six.

One child families tend to be either people who have struggled with infertility or patents who have thought about children late in life and are just giving the kid thing a go but don't really want children to disrupt their life (Simon cowel an example here)

Really? You really just said that? Even if that were true (which it isn't), what a horrible thing to say.

My mum was an only, she did have to make a lot of hard decisions regarding the care of my Grandad but like a PP said, with only her to make the decisions, the decision was made and that was that. Which meant things got done when they needed doing and weren't left to linger while a consensus was reached.

I have a brother, my husband has a sister. Our DD will be raised as an only. It's not our choice. We lost her older sister late into the pregnancy, the pregnancy with our living DD was very tough, especially towards the end when I suffered with complications that are likely to reoccur in subsequent pregnancies. As a result we've decided to stay as we are. This is our reality and we've accepted that and will make sure as best we can that DD doesn't end up lonely or spoilt. And having seen how things were for my mum looking after grandad I will do my upmost to not be a burden to her.

Dead - why is it horrible? It's a fact. Your child is an only because of fertility issues (in their broadest sense) which is proving my point.

I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. That must have been awful. No one said it mustent be heartbreaking for many people having to make difficult decisions about whether to have more children or not.

patents who have thought about children late in life and are just giving the kid thing a go but don't really want children to disrupt their life

It's this bit that is ill judged.

Every single child I know has gone on to have at least two children. I think that says a lot about their experience as an only.

Today 10:03 chewbecca

My DS is an only and he says it is great. He is aware he gets more experiences and more choice/say than he would if we had to take another child's view into account. For example on holiday we will visit museums that interest him and don't need to go to ones than reflect another child's interests.

Precisely one of the advantages of having a sibling.
So, you don't want to go to the museum your younger brother wants to go to. But you do. And you bloody enjoy it! OR. You don't really enjoy it but you accept that life is about give and take.

Nothing wrong with having an only, it's as legitimate a choice as any other number of children.

It's all about how you handle the situation though.

People fall over themselves on these threads to claim that all the onlies they know are perfect, and this is obviously as far from being true as the stereotype that they're all spoilt yet lonely.

Where we live there are a lot of onlies - we live in a country with a lower birth rate than the UK. I do know some horrendous, spoilt, entitled, precocious in an off-putting way, immature, bratty onlies I also know some lovely ones and most of them are just kids, not paragons, not horrors, just about as pleasant as most of the children with siblings. For the most part the unpleasant ones have parents who are very over invested in the wrong areas of their children's lives (micromanaging their social lives, or being very pushy and competitive in every area from material possessions to sport to school). The lovely ones have sensible parents for the most part. In other words the same issues as for children with siblings, but over intense parents probably do more harm to onlies just due to not having their intensity diluted! I know my mother is very intense and for all I'm not especially close to my multiple siblings as an adult I'm glad I had them, as despite the fact she always worked being her sole child would have probably driven me to leave home even earlier than I did :o

Nothing wrong with having an only child though, just be reflective about getting the balance between facilitating plenty of social contact for them versus micromanaging their friendships, and between giving them the benefit of having plenty of 1:1 versus smoothering and putting on excessive pressure right - like we all need to.

Dead - why is it horrible? It's a fact. Your child is an only because of fertility issues (in their broadest sense) which is proving my point.

My child is not an only because of fertility issues. My child is an only because her sister died. It was nothing to do with my 'fertility'. She was ill and she died.

I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. That must have been awful. No one said it mustent be heartbreaking for many people having to make difficult decisions about whether to have more children or not.

Thank you. It was. Maybe you could think about the people who make these difficult decisions or have the decision taken out of their hands when you make sweeping generalisations about fertility and people's reasons for having kids full stop.

Dead - you make an awful lot of assumptions yourself about what my position must be.
Please stop taking offence where there was none intended. Medically - having a late miscarriage is classed in the fertility group of problems - which is a fact. You seem determined to take offense and hurt but I'm not intending to upset you.

Ah no I apologise - you said you lost her late into the pregnancy - that comes accords you lost the baby in your pregnancy, but i can see now you meant otherwise.
I've also had a critically ill child who very nearly died - I'm very fortunate that mine didn't. Yes perhaps if she did then we wouldn't have had more kids - even living it is impacting or decision to have more or not as what we've been through is horrendous. But I still stand - most one child families do, generally, come about for those two reasons - of course there will always be exceptions.

For us we are thinking to maybe have more children as then if something happened to her later on (she still has ongoing health issues) her sister would still have other siblings to grow up with. i do think having siblings is the ideal.

Take life as it comes, you may or may not change your mind.
I have one daughter who is 13. Set out thinking I'd have 2 (long and boring story)
I have very little time for people using big stereo types as their view point. A lot of how a child is will be down to their personality.
My daughter is v similar to me and I'm one of three.
There are pros and cons to all set ups.
Congrats on your pregnancy .

Dead - you make an awful lot of assumptions yourself about what my position must be.
Please stop taking offence where there was none intended. Medically - having a late miscarriage is classed in the fertility group of problems - which is a fact. You seem determined to take offense and hurt but I'm not intending to upset you.

I can only make assumptions based on what you said. Which I found to be offensive and hurtful. It may not have been your intention but that is what happened.

Ah no I apologise - you said you lost her late into the pregnancy - that comes accords you lost the baby in your pregnancy, but i can see now you meant otherwise.
I've also had a critically ill child who very nearly died - I'm very fortunate that mine didn't. Yes perhaps if she did then we wouldn't have had more kids - even living it is impacting or decision to have more or not as what we've been through is horrendous. But I still stand - most one child families do, generally, come about for those two reasons - of course there will always be exceptions.

I did lose her late in the pregnancy. Because she was ill. She died due to a genetic condition she had. If she had made it full term she still would of died.

I am very sorry to hear that your child was ill and I am glad that they are doing well.

I feel a bit bad because I only want one child, despite knowing how great a sibling can be. I have a great relationship with my sister, embarrassingly my life would be empty without her as I don't have many friends. But I also remember we used to bicker constantly as kids and my parents would get so pissed off. I just can't be bothered to deal with that. Also my first pregnancy was so hard, I can't imagine going through all that and the baby stages with a kid to look after as well. It would be hell. I can't do it to myself.

I was the lonely only child with no cousins and few children as neighbours. I swore I'd never do that to a child and luckily my DH agreed. We have 5.

Consequently, although I can fake confidence and can chat away to people, I find it incredibly difficult and exhausting. It's like there's so much I never learned about social interaction and I'm always questioning myself and my behaviour, wondering if I'm 'doing it right'.

My kids are so happy and close, they rarely bicker or fall out and I love that they will always have each other. I wish, and have always wished, that I had that.

Finally, now my DM is much older and is now unwell, there's no one to share that with. I don't just mean physical demands like visiting and accompanying to hospital, etc, I mean the emotional demands too.

Having siblings is something I always feel I've missed out on

There's no right or wrong answer, there's what works for you and your family.

I have an only. I've asked her if she has any regrets about this - she doesn't. She has good friends, and has a balance of self-sufficiency and sociability. We have shared interests and do a lot together too - today she and I were larking about in a small sailing boat. I'm inclined to think one is more play and less work, which suits me fine.

Rapunzel I'm another lonely only with 5DC and a mum now not in the best of health.

I can relate to what you have posted, I always tell my children that they are my gifts to each other.

Honestly though I think that some children thrive as onlies, there's always the stories of those who have never wished for a sibling relationship. That's why I think that we should just choose the family size which we can manage, there are too many unknown variables to do otherwise.
You may have a child with the disposition to thrive as an only or you may not, there's largely nothing which you can do about that. Love your child(ren) and crack on.

We're all just trying to do our best, after all.

There was a thread on here recently about a mother worried as she hadn't bonded with her second child who was a year or so old ( I think) She had only had a second as a companion for her first born and hadn't felt a desperate urge for another. Several other women posted voicing similar feelings and situations.

One child families tend to be either people who have struggled with infertility or patents who have thought about children late in life and are just giving the kid thing a go but don't really want children to disrupt their life (Simon cowel an example here)

Logically the first part of your statement is likely to be correct.
The second part is breathtaking in its arrogance.