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Just recieved a call from ds new nursery which has reallly upset me

86 replies

Knakard · 09/01/2009 10:26

Bit of background, ds is 12 months and has just started a new nusery this week he goes 2 days.

He has been going to nusery for about 3 months in a lovely little local one which we put him in as an interim thing as hte waiting list for the one we really wanted was massive.

He has always got on well at nursery and settled in really quickly, the only issue there has ever been is that he does bite from time to time when he is teething. He used to do it at home occasionally and we always said no and ignore him for a moment or two and he got alot better and hasnt bitten at home for a good few months.

They also got the hang at his nursery of knowing when he was about to bite and saying no which stopped him. Now we told the new urery all of this before he started and they were quite relaxed about it and said yeah we get biters all the time etc. quite normal at that age.

When i picked him up after his 2nd day yesterday the staff told me they had had a problem with him biting and that he had done it a few times, they said it was good that he understood no and that he always stopped if they managed to catch him before he did it. talked to they about how we managed it at home and said he hadnt done it for a long time maybe he was a little over whelmed with a new nursery with lots more in his group and he is the youngest by about 2/3months so maybe it was all a bit much. They agree with all of this and said they would just keep a closer eye on him.

Anyway this morning i have had a call from his key worker very upset. She said the little girl he bit (they never told us yesterday it was a child)s mother was fuming! She was on the phone to this woman at home all evening with the woman just going nuts, saying things like "well my children are brought up to share" and "we dont need children like that a this nursery" (quite well to do area). She has basically said she will not have her child in at the same time as my little boy. The Nurse said she explained to her this put everyone in a very difficult postition and said she tried to explain to this woman she was going a little OTT.

So i am going in for a chat with keyworker on Monday but what do i do? A child of 12 months dosent bite maliciously FFS! And this silly womans specific comments have really bloody riled me! i Can understand her being upset but what does she expect us to do!!!

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Knakard · 09/01/2009 10:29

Oh and quite often when he bites it when he goes to kiss and uses his teeth by mistake.

OP posts:
littlelamb · 09/01/2009 10:30

The woman is being ridiculous

Knakard · 09/01/2009 10:33

thankyou lamb! i thought so. but i thought i might get loads of replies saying ohh imagine if it was you child!!

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PinkChick · 09/01/2009 10:35

i can appreciate she doesnt want her child to be bitten but your LO is a year old, not a 4 year old who KNOWS what he's let them know how unreasonable you theinkn shes being and ask her to look at it from everyone else POV, say your LOl does know NOT to do it, but for the reasons you gave HAS done it previously

JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 09/01/2009 10:36

Oh god, she's a bit OTT isn't she. DS1 has bitten and has been bitten at nursery countless times, and I just see it as normal behaviour (as long as it doesn't go on too long!) Your dealing with it at home, and they will learn to deal with it at nursery.

I would be upset too in your situation, but would quickly turn to anger at this womans (maybe) PFB attitude! Does she think her child will catch something FFS???? I bet her child has never done anything naughty!

gladbag · 09/01/2009 10:38

From my point of view everything you have done makes perfect sense - he's one, some one year olds bite. It is not malicious. You say no, and ignore. You talked through the issue in detail with nursery. All great.

The reaction from nursery, though, is frankly pants. I can understand a parent being upset at having had their child bitten (been there myself) but the nursery should simply not have entered a conversation about a specific child biting, or even entertained the idea that the other parent has the right to dictate who their child is in a group with. They should have been apologetic and very reassuring that they are doing everything to help the biter, and protect the other children. End of.

I'd go in and talk to them, see what they have to say, and if you don't like it, go back to the nursery he was at for the interrim, if you can.

PinkChick · 09/01/2009 10:39

i have a 4yr old who intentionally bit another mindee a few weeks ago, i rang his mum, spoke to other child's mum and other childs mum was fine, i showed her a photo of it as it had now gone down and turned into a bruise, but she said she would never judge as her LO may do similar when she gets a bit older!, she knew i was doing everything poss to monitor and prevent it so was more than happy!

Knakard · 09/01/2009 10:39

Thats what i thought, at 12 months im sure it cant be "naughty" he is not doing it to hurt cuz he doest want to share!

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Lemontart · 09/01/2009 10:39

My sympathy - really pleased you are being so realistic about this and not pannicking about your child biting. So many parents worry needlessly if their child goes through a biting stage. You are right, he is only little, you are handling it well and there is nothing more anyone could expect of you as a parent. In all of this, don?t forget that! Also, you yourself acknowledge he is only 12 months old - I think he is doing really really well to have learnt "no" and stops! Loads of children of this age have not recognised this.

I do understand the nursery is in an awkward position and at least they are being as honest as possible with you. Their attitude to supporting and going along with your parenting regarding the handling and watching for biting is all good. I can also understand how they would feel the need to let you know that there has been a parental complaint. BUT they are missing an important element in all this: he is the child, they are the adult trained carers and it is THEIR responsibility for care of the children. The other parent should be questioning what they are going to do to prevent further incidents, not focussing on your child. Your child has rights and needs like any other child there.

Knakard · 09/01/2009 10:41

Thanks gladbag i thought they were being a bit rubbish tbh not least by telling me all the nasty little comment this woman made which only succeded in upsetting me!

OP posts:
Lemontart · 09/01/2009 10:42

If the woman wants to pull her child out on specific days, let her. If the nursery is so heavily oversubscribed, it should not be an issue for the nursery from a financial pov. Certainly, do not let the parent bully the nursery into insisting you change your days! Hopefully not come to that though

When you go in, really they should be talking about what they can do to support your son and protect the other children from accidental biting. Don?t feel you or your son is on trial. You are doing everything you can by what you have told us and your son is little and is learning.

spicemonster · 09/01/2009 10:42

Is this the nursery you really want him to go to? I'd move him back to the lovely little local one - this lot sound ridiculous!

mazzystartled · 09/01/2009 10:43

the mother is over-reacting
she will learn
you are dealing with the biting
remove her from your mind
the nursery imo have been unprofessional to relay her comments to you, and similarly if they have informed the mother who it was who did the biting.

Lizzylou · 09/01/2009 10:43

The other mother is being ridiculous.

When PFB DS1 was bitten at his first nursery (he was about 10mths) I was really upset and wanted to go and talk to the Mother .
DS1 was never really a biter, DS2? Let's just say that I am glad that other Mom's were not as hotheaded as I was once was!

He is 1, he is learning, he is not being nasty.
Does the other mother know you DS's age? I can see why she is upset, but she is being a prima donna

Egg · 09/01/2009 10:45

Back in August both my DTs were bitten on the same day by one child at nursery (DTs were 7 months old at the time).

I was quite ok when they told me and just glad they were not the biters! However when it sank in I was a bit upset that the same child had managed to bite them both (and broke the skin both times) in the space of half an hour . Poor DD was tiny at the time and looked like she had a dog bite on her face .

Whilst I did call the nursery the following day to discuss how it had happened as I was not very happy (one would have been bad, two was really a bit careless on their part IMO), I never blamed the other child or their parents.

My DS2 (one of the twins) is now a bit of a biter at nearly 12 months and does also go to kiss and then does a nibble instead. I will be way more upset if he bites someone else than when my two got bitten.

The nursery told me that the other child was a "known" biter and they were supposed to be keeping a closer eye on him and that it was entirely their fault.

Must be horrid for you, esp as he has only just joined.

JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 09/01/2009 10:46

Thats a point, When DS1 has been bitten I wasn't told who bit him, and I hope it was the same the other way round. It creates a negative environment. I also think Nursery have handled this all quite badly.

Before your meeting on Monday write everything down that you wish to say so you don't get 'lost' in the emotion of it all.

MrsMattie · 09/01/2009 10:47

I've never heard anything so riodiculous in my life! The nursery have acted completely unprofessionally by a) telling you what the other mum said and b) making a big deal of this. What are 'meetings to discuss this' going to resolve? Nothing. There is absolutely no way you can get a 12 month old to control their impulse to bite. All you can do is say 'No' firmly, remove them from the situation and await them growing out of this phase. Which is what you are all doing anyway, yes? The nursery shouldn't be working you up into an anxious state over something which is a pain int he arse bt actually completely normal developmentally.

Lizzylou · 09/01/2009 10:48

I was never told who bit DS1 (which is prob why I didn't have a go at the mother ).

PortAndLemon · 09/01/2009 10:49

Other mother is over-reacting. And her issues with the nursery are between her and the nursery. You shouldn't be being called in to discuss them, nor should her comments have been reported to you. If she wants to pull her child out then she should go ahead and do it; it sounds as though they could easily fill the place anyway.

Knakard · 09/01/2009 10:49

I dont know if she know dss age. They might not have told her as it would make it obvious who it was as he is the youngest by quite a bit.

Thankyou for all validating that i am not some terrible mother. and tbh the more i think about it the more i am a bit annoyed with the nusery for how theyve handeled it.

So what do i say on Monday then?

OP posts:
Egg · 09/01/2009 10:54

I was never told who bit my DTs. They did let slip it was a boy. And he was a bit older as I know he moved out of the "baby" unit into the 18 months plus unit a few weeks later.

Fimbo · 09/01/2009 11:00

My two have never been biters but it does my head in when people get all stroppy about it. My dc have been bitten countless times, you accept it, children do it, especially very young teething children, they get told not to and you hope that it wont happen again, if the parents offer an apology you accept it graciously, some people really need to get over themselves.

I would go in and ask them what them expect you to do. If they can't handle the situation I would move your ds back to the other nursery.

Knakard · 09/01/2009 11:03

So what do i say on Monday if they ask for him not to come on thurs pm which i think is what she was hinting at.

OP posts:
Fimbo · 09/01/2009 11:06

If they ask you to do that, then I wouldn't class it as a very good nursery. They should be looking at ways of sorting it out. Ask them if they have ever heard of "Every Child Matters".

Fimbo · 09/01/2009 11:07

They should also not be discussing your son with another mother either regardless of the situation.

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