Nursery mentioning austism in my child.

[CheekyBee10]

My son is currently 3 years and 8 months old. He does struggle with his emotions, when he doesn’t get his own way he kicks off and does hit, kick etc. I have never thought that this behaviour is anything but him being a toddler, other family members have also said they deem it to be the usual behaviour of a 3 year old.
However, nursery seem to believe that my son is “high on the scale of autism”. They think this because of his tantrums and because he’s intelligent. Literally no other issues whatsoever, he has good days and bad days with tantrums. He has more good days of course and most of his issues stem with wanting to have attention and his own way. He is currently an only child, so gets a lot of attention at home and quite honestly gets his own way most of the time. I’ve always said he has only child syndrome😂

There isn’t much point in this post other than needing to vent. I know people get their children diagnosed young, but for me personally I just think that 3 years of age is so young to diagnose something especially with behaviours that would be considered neurotypical also.

I am also aware that nursery staff see a lot of children so of course will have more experience but I just feel like they’re jumping the gun here. Am I being realistic?

That is quite young, however we had this at the same age at nursery and yes the nursery are in a good position to assess children- they are professionals and likely have a lot of experience of additional needs etc.
I would follow their advice on it, our son was diagnosed at 5 after starting school- socio-communication and emotional regulation issues may come up more then as well.
It is actually a good thing to get an early diagnosis if applicable, look to investigate further if the nursery advise and I would recommend joining some Facebook pages with fellow parents of autistic children as that's great to join a community of people who can support and give more advice too.

Maybe they're just trying to make you aware that it could be a possibility.

My nephew is now 11, was diagnosed with autism at 7 and looking back, there were clear indicators that we didn't acknowledge as such.
For example, when playing with toys, rather than typically playing with them, he would take them apart and put them back together. We all just thought he was clever and would "be an engineer when he grows up". As a 3/4 year old he could recount a film from start to finish, name all characters and their part in the film. Again, we just thought he was clever and really into the film.

I have now done 2 NVQs in Understanding Autism to get a better understanding of him and how he works in his head so I can help him and be there for him.

If nursery pointed out things like this to me about my dd, I would just keep an eye on the behaviours, but not necessarily run straight for a diagnosis

If you don't know much about autism ( most people won't) then maybe there are indicators other than the tantrums, indicators that you're not seeing?

I had no idea my DS had autism at 3, but he does. When it was suggested I read the usual lists of traits and was ...but, he doesn't do x, y or z...he didn't, he still has autism. It is often easier to spot when you're accustomed to it and the nursery staff have lots of experience.

It won't hurt to get him on waiting lists ( they're very long). Or I'd recommend going private if cost is not an issue, but you need to be careful who you choose.

The strategies that help autistic children can be useful for NT children too so there's a lot to be said for reading up on it and seeing if any of these strategies help. They are useful even if he's not autistic

Best of luck with everything.

He's nearly 4, so that's not really that young.

I have an only child so dislike your 'only child syndrome' with laughing emoji. My child has never had poor behaviour so that is not an excuse. I certainly wouldn't be laughing about it if they did.

So either your poor parenting has set your dc up to fail by not managing the behaviour appropriately and putting basic expectations in place, or there could be underlying neurodevelopmental issues. Which do you think is most plausible?

That's a bit tough.

Children have different personalities.
Not all 'poor' behaviour is due to poor parenting.

Unfortunately many people believe it is, even when there are other issues at play. I know you mentioned neurodevelopmental needs as an exception, but believe me, it's one thing parents of SN kids get used to - the judging of their parenting.

What is 'only child syndrome'? Do you mean he's spoilt? If so, that's on you isn't it. I have an only child who is not spoilt, nor does he get his own way.

Nursery see a lot of children over the years and will have experience in how autism presents. I would take them seriously and start looking into an assessment - by all means leave it a few more years and see how things go, but waiting lists are long.

They're not qualified to diagnose but they do meet a lot of children and he might seem similar to some that are autistic. However tantrums can happen for any reason. If they're willing to help refer you for a diagnosis then get on that waiting list asap so you'll know either way - it's 1-2 year waiting list don't wait until he's already at school

By your own admission he is spoilt and gets his own way a lot. That needs working on drastically before you start talking about slapping labels on him.

Don't take it personally, they've flagged something for you to keep an eye on. I put lots of DDs quirks down as being an only child - the fact that she never tantrummed, the fact she related more to adults than other children or had more mature behaviour - wasn't a squealer etc. she was diagnosed at 13.

Some toddlers have tantrums yes, but perhaps they have noticed a particular pattern which fits with autism. Maybe he tantrums much more as the transition to and from activities. However, I wouldnt call an almost four year old a toddler and I wouldnt expect frequent aggressive behaviour from that age group either. Perhaps he needs things done a very certain way and kicks off otherwise.

How would you react if they said "Oh, little Sammy doesn't seem to be responding to his name or forming his sounds properly, it might be worth getting his hearing checked out" or " "Little Tommy seems to be squinting and not noticing small items, it might be worth getting an opticians appointment". Would you feel the same? Or would you feel that they were over stepping / shouldn't be flagging those possible issues with his sense organs?

What I'd be concerned about is the reasons for the tantrums.

Is it that he wants his own way because that's what he's used to? Or could it be that he needs things a certain way, he can't cope with having to be flexible, he gets very stressed by uncertainty or certain situations - and meltsdown as a result?

Does he struggle in certain environments?
Can you spot patterns to these tantrums is what I'm wondering basically.

They're happening for a reason. So trying to figure out the reason will be helpful.

They will also see different behaviours to you. Even your family members will see different aspects of behaviour to you.
As he's your only you don't have any other children to directly compare.
Have a read up on some of the wider ways autism might show and see if anything resonates.

I don't think it's at all appropriate for a nursery to say a child is "high on the scale of autism". "Have you ever considered that autism might explain some of his behaviours" would be fine. I don't think they are remotely qualified to make such a sweeping (and alarming) statement. OP I would speak to the health visitor and if your concerns are shared you could be referred to a paediatrician. That's what happened with my dc anyway.

Thing is it won't hurt to get on the list for an assessment ( or start the process) as it takes years ( unless you go private ) .

It's hard to hear but they wouldn't say it lightly

What happens quite a lot though is that parents adjust their parenting to the child they have - often quite unconsciously.

The usual parenting discipline techniques often simply don't work when you have a child who is neurodiverse. You may not know they're ND but you do adapt methods that keep the child cslm and the family functioning smoothly as much as possible. This may look like 'bad parenting', but it's usually happening for a reason - even if the parent doesn't realise it. People do what works basically.

If nursery are saying his behaviour is far outside typical for his age and they believe he shows signs of autism, then get a referral in progress asap.
It's not long until he starts school - IF he does have additional needs you want as much in place beforehand as possible.
School is a much harder and less forgiving environment than nursery.

He's nearer 4 so I personally would be taking it seriously.

School is round the corner and a totally different ball in every aspect. So any support you can get will only help him.

The nursery might not be using the perfect terminology but understanding if your child is autistic will make both your life and theirs a lot easier.
I know a lot of autistic people - my own child included..Figuring out their needs and meeting them is much harder when you don't understand the reasons behind their behaviour.
He might be a bit spoilt and unable to share (but can learn those skills) or he might be struggling with regulation (again, not uncommon in children generally) but they may be seeing more, such as difficulty with communication, repetitive behaviour, sensory challenges etc.

The fact he is an only child might be why you aren’t seeing what they think they might be. This could be compounded by family members reassuring you it’s all usual toddler stuff.

My autistic child was number three for me and I knew something was different. They were sociable, super creative, excellent eye contact, a terrific speaker very early (all things that would mean unlikely to be barn door obviously ND, and would consequently tick very few ‘boxes’ of some one looking for autism) but I just knew something was up.

Family and friends always said “all kids are a bit like that though, that’s just toddlers/preschoolers” if my child has been my only child I think I’d have been reassured by that. But they weren't just’a toddler being a toddler, I’d dealt with a vast spectrum of toddler/preschooler behaviour in my much younger siblings and my other children and this was just ‘different’

ND was suggested to us the a few months after the child started school. I’d said nothing of my suspicions. They saw it because they see a HUGE spectrum of average child behaviour and they could see this was outside of that and other subtle signs beyond the ‘tantrums’ or thevquick to frustrate etc which family and friends tend to reassure you is normal.

If nursery/Playschool are flagging something, I’d listen and be open minded.

I had tantrums beyond the age where anyone might consider it normal, I even remember having them - I experienced it as overwhelm and inability to control what was happening around me. Described as 'highly strung' as a child. Struggled all the way through school. Diagnosed at 42. I appreciate no-one thought intelligent women could be autistic until quite recently, but I can't help wishing someone had seen it. Intense tantrums might be more of a marker than you think - as a PP said, is it that he's not getting his own way, or it it around changes in routine and the environment, or transitioning between activities, for example? It could be very hard to tell. I would trust the nursery staff's instincts. I work with children and never have much difficulty spotting neurodiverse children, even if they're not diagnosed yet. GL for you and your son going forward x

If he's hitting or kicking staff at nursery that is quite unusual at 3y8m and I don't think it would hurt to investigate potential causes. I believe you need a referral to the community paediatrician, this is how my son was diagnosed although it might be different in different areas. The process is very rigorous and they won't misdiagnose him if he isn't autistic.

Family saying it's just normal behaviour is common in ND families because both autism and ADHD are largely inherited so often fly under the radar until third parties like nursery s and schools get involved because that may well be the normal behaviour in your family because there are people with (probably) undiagnosed conditions within it but it is not normal when compared to the general population.

Also friends and family tend to want to be comforting and reassuring when a parent is worried about their child, rather than agree there might be something 'wrong'.

I think if a bunch of professionals, with probably years of experience and multiple qualifications, told me they had those suspicions, I would be inclined to start the ball rolling on an assessment.

This is actually what I've done. They mentioned it about my daughter just before her 4th birthday, we didn't have any concerns personally, but once they pointed out what they saw, we were able to see little differences that we just put down to personality. We're a year down the line now, and not assessed yet, but on the list.

It's been helpful in the transition to school, as we've been able to pinpoint a few areas that she may have struggled, and have a bit of a closer eye and support, for example with forming friendships with other kids- she has a tendency to seem very happy with solo play, and struggles to vocalise that she's lonely, so monitoring and nudging in the right direction helps.

It's also helped is on the parenting front, as where I may have taken something- such as the tantrums- as bad behaviour that needs me to correct as a parent, actually, that's because she's had 5 days of school and is overwhelmed at trying so hard, and needs to have a day at home on Saturday, not to do swimming, etc.

Nursery/preschool said this to us as well. Just as our son was about to turn 3. He had and probably still has a few traits associated with autism but I just didn't feel very convinced for other reasons.

He's now five, doing well at school, happy and I'm glad I didn't let us be influenced to get professional opinions etc. He might have a sensory thing going on but I think he's growing out of it.

I also wonder if he had the potential to have been misdiagnosed, and how does that help or hinder now or further down the track?!

I'm what I describe as organic with my parenting as you can probably tell. If your nursery think this because he has a few spectacular tantrums and he's smart then at this point I'd say they need to convince you a bit more.

If your child is happy and you are happy then why do you need to go looking for problems.