Nursery mentioning austism in my child.

[CheekyBee10]

My son is currently 3 years and 8 months old. He does struggle with his emotions, when he doesn’t get his own way he kicks off and does hit, kick etc. I have never thought that this behaviour is anything but him being a toddler, other family members have also said they deem it to be the usual behaviour of a 3 year old.
However, nursery seem to believe that my son is “high on the scale of autism”. They think this because of his tantrums and because he’s intelligent. Literally no other issues whatsoever, he has good days and bad days with tantrums. He has more good days of course and most of his issues stem with wanting to have attention and his own way. He is currently an only child, so gets a lot of attention at home and quite honestly gets his own way most of the time. I’ve always said he has only child syndrome😂

There isn’t much point in this post other than needing to vent. I know people get their children diagnosed young, but for me personally I just think that 3 years of age is so young to diagnose something especially with behaviours that would be considered neurotypical also.

I am also aware that nursery staff see a lot of children so of course will have more experience but I just feel like they’re jumping the gun here. Am I being realistic?

Nonsense. Letting kids do whatever they like always 'works' because.....well you just let them do whatever they like. IMO having no boundaries like that leads to them never feeling safe, developing a lot of anxiety and PDA type issues. I have one with ASD and no way would I have let him do whatever he likes. You need to better parent a child with ASD IMO not just not bother parenting them because it's too much hard work.

That means preparing them for the day ahead, preparing them for transitions, avoiding too many demands especially when tired, avoiding situations you know are too overwhelming/building up to them gradually, trying not to say no all the time and finding other ways to phrase it, making sure there is lots of quiet,calm downtime. I did all that not knowing only child ds was ASD because to me it was just good parenting. I never thought just letting him always have his own way was the best way of parenting him.

High academic ability and very poor social skills would definitely make me think there was a possibility of ASD OP. Go with the nursery, they won't be experts but will have some experience - he won't be diagnosed with something he doesn't have. When they say he's 'high on the scale of ASD' I assume what they meant was high functioning. DS is high functioning and now doing a degree apprenticeship.

Nursery workers are not qualified or experienced to diagnose autism or to make statements like "he is high on the autism scale". They are displaying their own lack of understanding and lack of awareness of appropriate comments to make about the children in their care.

What they may be clumsily trying to say is that he has displayed some behaviours that are unusual in children his age, and that might be a cause for looking at whether your child has some additional needs.

The nursery should know who and how to refer your child on to the LA for further help. They should also be able to talk to you about his specific behaviours and suggest strategies for how to deal with them. They should not be making any comments about any possible diagnosis or condition they think he might have.

Often when kids are high functioning the issues don't become more obvious until around Secondary school age. DS got through nursery and to the end of Primary before his was picked up by anyone. He was very clever and always got top marks, extremely well behaved and had a best friend all through. One of the things they noticed was that he put his hands over his ears when things got loud in school. There were small differences all through that I put down to his age or being an only child at the time.

Getting a diagnosis wasn't looking for problems and I would have got it much earlier if I'd been aware it was a possibility. IMO you do your child a huge disservice by thinking he's happy now so why bother. Because when/if it does become a problem you'll have years to wait before you can get a diagnosis.

I don't know what organic parenting is but pretending your child doesn't have ASD because they're happy and you see a diagnosis as a 'problem' is not in the best interests of your child IMO. DS grew out of the sensory issues of not liking grass or sand but it didn't mean he wasn't autistic, autistic kids grow and change too. Your ds will not be diagnosed with it if they don't have it and it will not have a negative impact on your child in any way as they don't have to tell anyone if they don't want to.

For DS it meant he got the interview questions in advance for his degree apprenticeship and that allowed him to get the place. He didn't have to tell them he was autistic but it really helped him. Without knowing the questions in advance he said he would not have been prepared for some of the questions and that would have made him panic and I doubt very much that he would have got it.

When I say that he gets his own way, I by no means let him get away with murder. He of course is disciplined when he is displaying bad behaviour. I mean that if he wants to do an activity, I’ll do it or if he wants a toy he’ll get it. He is happy, healthy and for the most part a well behaved boy so I wouldn’t say my parenting is bad.

My little boy has absolutely no issues in regard to his social skills, he is a social butterfly and has so many friends that he loves and is constantly wanting to be around.

Also, this is what I mean with their wording. I don’t think they should be saying he has autism when nothing has been diagnosed. I would also like to do some research on misdiagnosed children

There are multiple people in my family that are ND so we are very much aware of certain behaviours etc, also aware that they can differ massively from person to person. I just think they’re maybe clutching at straws because it’s 1 behaviour that he displays currently 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m sorry that my comment has ruffled your feathers, it was a light hearted comment and I understand that only child syndrome is not “real” as such.
My sons tantrums that he has does not make him a badly behaved child, ffs🤦🏼‍♀️😂 Just because they have bad moments does not make them a bad child. I do not let my child act out without discipline and actually talking to him about it. There are consequences for his actions and does not get away with blue murder.

When I’ve said only child syndrome, clearly people have taken this is wrong way as I do not mean he gets away with everything. I mean that if he wants to do something (of course that is appropriate before people run away with that) then we’ll do it, if he wants to go somewhere then we go, if he wants a toy, he’ll get it. That’s why I’ve confirmed with you it was a light hearted comment, maybe I should have said he is a spoiled child (yes for me this is because I’m able to spoil him because he is currently my only child) Hence why I said only child syndrome 🤦🏼‍♀️😂 Literally everything is taken out of context these days.

I have spoke to HV, done some research and of course spoke to my son’s nursery. All of which have said that they see children hitting, kicking etc very often and is common because they don’t have any impulse control.

I too understand that his behaviour is unacceptable and I have by no means said that it is. Just because I put a laughing emoji on a little thread on the internet does not mean I find everything hilarious. You literally hear a tiny snippet from what I’ve posted and run away with your assumptions about my parenting. I discipline my child for any bad behaviour, but clearly people just assume that I don’t🤦🏼‍♀️ Please show me a perfect parent where their child has never been naughty🙄

I was not talking about letting a child do whatever they like. I was talking about taking a different approach, though I didn't go into it in detail.

It is very common for the usual parenting techniques not to work for a ND child. It is very common for a parent of a ND parent to feel judged on their parenting, even when they have 'well-behaved' NT children too.

There is a reason for that. The typical strategies to use are different. You outlined some. Just becsuse OP hasn't worked them out yet ( if neccessary in her case) doesn’t mean people should diss her parenting skills

It mightn't be as straightforward in her familiy's case and might be taking longer to figure out.

He gets his own way, but by no stretch is he not “disciplined” for his bad behaviour. I feel like a lot of people cannot differentiate between these.

He’s spoiled with getting his own way (but not if he is ever naughty).

Would not class any neurodivergent disorder as a “label” either.

"He gets his own way'

Honestly you're in denial. He sounds like a nightmare. Hitting/kicking very often at nearly 4 is not common. It really isn't. He's nearly school age. You're going to end up having him excluded from reception if he carries on. You need to take this seriously. You are not describing normal behaviour at all - far from it.

Screaming tantrums aren’t normal at almost 4, most kids outgrow them during the ‘terrible 2s’, if they have them at all and hitting/kicking during them I don’t think is ever normal but only you know if you’ve encouraged this by pandering to the tantrums and giving into his demands. I would listen to nursery. No they’re not able to make a diagnosis themselves but they see dozens of preschoolers every year so are very aware of what constitutes normal behaviour and what doesn’t. There will be loads of other only children at nursery too, plus those who’ve only had baby siblings very recently so won’t have learned any superior sharing skills if that’s what you mean, regardless I don’t think it’s relevant that he’s an only.

Can I actually thank you for using common sense! Most people on this website seem to throw assumptions around when they’ve been fed very little information. They know nothing about me or the discipline that my child is given.

People are assuming that I let my child get away with blue murder, which is really not the case. He does not get away with any bad behaviour at all. When I light heartedly said he has only child syndrome, I mean I spoil him but not when he’s badly behaved.

People on here are trying to say that their child has never been naughty, which I find extremely hard to believe. Clearly more perfect parents about than we know🙄😂

The only child comment was light hearted, but people have just taken it and ran with it. I don’t pander to his needs when he has displayed any bad behaviour, this is definitely not what I meant. I meant that when he is well behaved (which is the majority of the time), I will take him on days out where he wants to go, get him toys that he wants etc.

It’s very strange because the nursery spoke to me about it and they said that children hitting/kicking is very common. I’ve also spoke to my health visitor about it and of course done my own research (which I know isn’t professional) but it does show that up until the age of 4/5 hitting, kicking can be quite common as they have no impulse control.

The nursery also mentioned that his behaviour is something triggered by other children hitting/kicking him. I understand that he shouldn’t react by doing it back, but it’s not like he does it out of the blue.

I hope this makes sense, comments on here are sometimes all over the place 😂

I’ve commented this multiple times as people have taken my words and ran with them. He does not get his own way if he is badly behaved.

I have mixed information about what is considered “normal”(hate this word) for his age.

I also wouldn’t say he’s a nightmare, why are people assuming he’s constantly doing it when 99% of the time he is loving, cuddly and such a polite little boy.

He won’t get a diagnosis if he doesn’t have autism.

It’s literally just a question at this point. If the answer is yes, I promise you will be so grateful to have access to help if issues arise later.

If it’s a no, then you have a solid rebuttal for nursery and teachers.

I was so grateful ds was diagnosed at 3 because he masked so perfectly that school couldn’t see any problems. But when the mask cracked, we had access to immediate help and weren’t starting on a 2 year waiting list.

Our assessment team consisted of a psychologist, speech therapist and occupational therapist with decades of experience between them. They picked up on all sorts of subtle signs, that I didn’t see (and my situation was the opposite of yours because I was concerned and everyone else told me I was worrying over nothing). I was able to help him directly with some things at a very early age, that headed off trouble later.

Thank you for being reasonable!

I made a light hearted comment about “only child syndrome” and people have took it the wrong way.

Every child is different and develops at different speeds, but clearly people think that everyone must be like their “perfectly” behaved child.

From information that I have received it’s common for 4 year olds to still not have impulse control, of course some 4 year olds will and others won’t. People are also assuming that my child is bad all the time, when 99% of the time he is well behaved, loving and extremely polite!

He’s hitting and kicking and being emotionally disregulated. If it’s not autism or bad parenting what do think it is? As his mother who knows him best, what is your theory?

But if its “common “ for kids to have poor impulse control hit or kick they still flagged it for you as a sign of ASD. That is significant. It may be that he does it more than is age appropriate. Does it more uncontrollably. Can’t come out of it fast (can’t reregulate). Can’t accept intervention or comfort.

In other words please stop being so defensive and realize that they are pointing out that his behavior is at the far edge of the norm.

Clearly a thread for perfect parents this is👑

So the 99% of the time we’re he’s well behaved, well mannered, loving, caring and a funny little boy…am I a bad parent then?🤔

Not everything has a reason, it could be autism or it could just be that’s how he is. 1 symptom, does not mean that he is neurotypical or that I’m a bad parent. It wouldn’t bother me if he was neurotypical, he’s still my son and I love him and will give him the best life I can. All I wanted to know is if him having a few tantrums here and there, is it the nursery being overly cautious about it or not.

My child is disciplined when he is badly behaved, he is well loved by his parents, he’s extremely healthy and for the most part a well behaved boy. That clearly makes me the most horrendous mum to walk the planet according to this thread.

Why do people assume that he’s this terrible and horrible boy all of the time, when this was not stated.

I would not say I’m being defensive, I have no issue if they have concerns. If he is neurodivergent, then that is okay. I have had a meeting with nursery in regard to it, but they were’t over concerned and the manager said about autism as what I would call “a passing comment”.
What I will be defensive about is people judging my parenting from a tiny bloody paragraph on the internet, which reveals bugger all about my life, my child, my circumstances etc

You don’t see him at nursery so you don’t know that his “tantrums” there (because they might be meltdowns) are as infrequent or as manageable as you think. And while children do have incidents at school they usually refrain for fear of strangers or punishment. Very few children will hit or kick in a school setting. They will retreat to collapse and avoidance, more likely, and save acting out for home.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on this thread OP.
FWIW I agree that many children have issues with impulse control and regulation. Some of these children will be autistic. Most won't be. They're just kids and these are skills you have to learn.
Just take from the nursery that they think it's worth considering that your child might be ND.
Knowing this and learning a bit more about it and being aware will only benefit your child in the long term..

I have spoke to nursery and they have told me about the tantrums, that they’re not very frequent. He has gone weeks/months without them.
Some friends of mine have children diagnosed with autism and of course you see things on the internet also, they say the time as you that they usually “mask” when at nursery/school etc and then act out when they get home. My little boy doesn’t really do that, don’t get me wrong of course we have the occasion at home where he acts out etc but a lot of the time he’s happy, we love playing together and he has his own little personality so we have a little laugh etc!

If anything, I would have expected him to be naughty at home. The nursery have mentioned that sometimes he is provoked by the other children (also hitting him, annoying him etc) and I know he shouldn’t react the way he does but I’m just shocked that the behaviour is at nursery and not at home. (I don’t know if I’ve worded this correct, or if it makes any sense to anyone else bar me)

I have mixed information about what is considered “normal”(hate this word) for his age.

The word people working in the area tend to use is 'typical'.