Is this normal or am I overthinking it?

[PurpleBloom45]

My LG is 13 months old and we have enrolled her in a nursery for 3 days a week. We had 3 settling sessions and she has done 2 full days so far so 5 in total. She is not settling okay and today I got a call from the nursery to come pick her up.

Now, the issue is this. The nursery wrote this update on her observations report which has got me worried and a bit upset. Please have a read:

Unfortunately today Ada is having a really unsettled day and has been very emotional today and is wanting to be carried around constantly which unfortunately we cannot do here. When we tell her we can’t pick her up she’ll follow us round by crawling which is becoming quite dangerous for her as we are tripping over her.
I think as a whole we need to encourage her to self soothe, and to start encouraging her to walk which isn’t going to happen whilst she’s use to being carried so if we can all try and be on the same page in regards to the carrying around.
This is to benefit her so she can get herself around the room independently, and get use to the idea that if she wants to get somewhere she will have to walk rather then being carried.
I know you wrote on her forms to comfort her she likes to be carried, but unfortunately we are on a 1:3 ratio so carrying her round throughout the day is not an option- I hope you understand.
If she doesn’t settle soon she will need collecting as she is becoming quite distressed. Will keep you posted.

I feel she is being pressured to walk before she is ready and the thought of her crawling behind the adults whilst crying breaks my heart!!!

My son was a late walker and rolled rather than crawled. He was in daycare full time when I was working (I had an odd two weeks on two weeks off schedule). It was never a problem - they thought it was amazing how he could get himself from one room to the other by rolling. So while he wasn't following them around I can imagine a rolling baby might be more of a hazard but they never suggested trying to get him to walk!

Thank all for your reply. I sent an email to the manager which was a copy of this message they sent us and me saying that we will pull her from the nursery and I have received a reply:

I am sorry that you are not happy with the care given to Ada.

Babies do all settle and develop in their own time and our aim is to help each individual child in a way we feel will benefit them. I have the upmost confidence that the ladies will always do their best to support our new and existing babies to become confident and secure within the baby room.

The pending balance on the account is £651.50.

Please let me know if you wish to discuss anything further.

Kind regards,

Thank you all for sense checking this for me. I'm very grateful that I asked.

I will now send the payment to them and get it all sorted. I will also be reaching out to childminders in our area to see if anyone is available.

That's awful and the manager's reply is not great either.

I'd look for another nursery or part time nanny / mothers help if you can afford it.

Jeez! ... get her out of there now!

Their job is to respond to each child's needs. The thought of the poor child crawling round sobbing after some stranger is utterly appalling. She us not ready for nursery and certainly not this nursery.

And the implication in their message that you should not be carrying your own child around but should be making her try and walk is CFery of the first order.

This is a tiny person who 2 years ago was just a bundle of cells. She needs her parent, needs security needs consistent love. The world us new to her and she needs all the reassurance she can get in this alien world.

Get her out of there!

My heart goes out to you. My little girl is 13 months and started nursery yesterday and had to pick her up a bit early as she wasn't settled, I cannot imagine her nursery saying such things. I'd be absolutely horrified to read that. Completely understand why you feel the way you do. I'd be furious about the walking comment! 😔

Hope you manage to find a resolution whether that's a stern word or a new setting, remember you know best as her mummy! X

Well done. A child minder sounds a much better plan.
I would make sure you find a chance to review this place and report to the inspectorate in order to avoid other children going through this. They clearly have no understanding whatsoever of child development and emotional needs.

Whilst I appreciate that can't carry all the babies around until they're settled but jeez, she's a baby!!!!
Could you afford a nanny? I know not everyone has the luxury of being at home but I didn't send my children to nursery until they could talk and tell me what they did etc and I've worked in a nursery!

The nursery can’t pick up and carry about a baby, or give them 1:1 time due to the ratio of staff to babies.

Mothers usually don’t have two babies to look after at the same time, far less three. Nursery ratio is one staff member to three babies.

The problem for OP and her baby is that this particular baby’s needs cannot be met by the nursery. It’s simply outside their ability to provide.

Yes, they have worded the memo very badly, their issues with tripping over a crawling baby are bizarre and worrying in a nursery setting and their rationale regarding pushing her to walk doesn’t make sense but the bottom line is they don’t have the staff to meet this baby’s needs.

Having a lot of experience as a nursery worker and managing a nursery and many years working as a professional childminder I now advise against using nurseries for babies, if at all possible.

Well done OP - trust your instinct.
Those replies say something worrying about the culture of that nursery and how they view a baby as an irritant:
"If she doesn’t settle soon she will need collecting".

You've done absolutely the right thing. A culture where babies are seen of as a nuisance if they don't conform to expectations is a dangerous place for them - as we saw with those appalling incidents in the Stockport nursery.

Well done.
best wishes to you and your baby xx

I'd be considering sending that original message to Ofsted or your equivalent, as it raises serious concerns about their understanding of normal child behaviour and their ability to provide a safe, nurturing environment (physically or emotionally).

More practically, there are places that provide emergency/short term nannies, if you need something to tide you over, or if you're flexible on what days you need, you might be able to get someone studying for a childcare qualification, if you can work around their college commitments.

I also wouldn't automatically rule out all nurseries for her. No, neither a nursery nor a childminder can be carrying her all day everyday with other children to care for, but it sounds like she doesn't actually need that. She just needs a fair bit of carrying/cuddling whilst she settles, which is very common, and a good nursery or childminder will try to juggle things to supply that in the early days (actually potentially easier in a good nursery, as there's more hands). And they certainly won't complain that crawling babies crawl!

No wonder she's finding nursery strange. I think you need to take a little responsibility for not thinking about the transition to nursery.

Gosh OP I don't envy you, neither option is a good one - the nursery sounds awful (they're not all like that, I promise you) but WFH with a small child is no good either.

Can you take some unpaid leave? Do you have a partner, you haven't mentioned one? If you do, get them to take annual/unpaid leave a couple of days a week as well. If you each covered a couple of days a week for a while that would be great. Getting out to classes and groups would do no harm either, but staying at home with Ms Rachel should be a once in a while, emergency illness cover type thing.

Are you going to get childcare for 5 days a week going forward?

I'd have moved nursery if I got that! Sounds like they don't even like children 😢
Your little one sounds like a completely normal 13 mo, loads aren't walking at that age

Not normal, and not at all how the nursery I sent my son to operated. The baby room was full of crawling babies, it was a no shoes zone and of course you watched where you were going but it was a spacious room and never felt dangerous. I remember regularly seeing key workers with two babies in their arms, watching another one crawling.

Definitely go and look around more nurseries and find one that aligns with you a bit better. Personally I didn't like the idea of a childminder, and I couldn't possibly have focused on my job with a nanny in the house with my baby.

I second sending the message and manager's response to ofsted - just shows a lack of care and knowledge of normal childhood development and behaviour.

Both mine went to nursery, two different ones and neither were like this.

A childminder could be a good option for you or an emergency short term nanny/babysitter until you can find something more long term. Don't rule out all nurseries because they're not all like this

DS didn't walk until 18 months. He was a very big baby and the health visitor said was quite normal, he would do it in his own time. Which he did. Never any suggestion that any intervention or pushing was needed.

The only person who ever commented negatively was a nasty woman we came across at soft play who decided to offer her unsolicited opinion that DS was lazy and I should "force" him to walk! . I wouldn't allow someone like that to look after my hamster and it sounds like at least some of the staff at your nursery have similar views.

That's not normal at all, my DS is 2.5 years old and the nursery carry him if he wants picking up and they don't mind at all, they love his cuddles they say he gives the best cuddles, me and my partner have recently change his nursery times to just mornings as we felt full days are too much for him whilst he's still little

Your nursery should not be writing things like that,. They are a nursery so will have all children/babies crawling around..I would change nursery tbh

Not normal at alll

No I don’t like that at all. Christ, my kid is 2.5 and sits on her key worker having a cuddle for half an hour after every single drop off. They should be used to dealing with non walkers under 18 months for gods sake.

This is heartbreaking!!

I know it's unlikely but do you have a Sure Start nursery near you? Much older child, but they were amazing when I had to pull a 2 year old out of a private nursery which was awful. They're largely staffed by much better educated, more diverse and older professionals - my experience of them has been really good.

Blows my mind how often you hear about people WFH full time with small babies and children. It's so unfair on everyone involved. You really need to view it the same as going into the office, what would you have done then? You would have had to find childcare, you wouldn't have been able to bring them in with you.

Do what all working parents did before Covid and WFH even became an option - find a nursery/childminder/take unpaid leave/ annual leave. As soon as my baby was born I had their name down at three nurseries. 12 months later I was able to confirm the place and return to work. That’s how we did it before Covid.

Wfh with a 10 month old baby is not even an option at my employment and I’m in the public sector which is pretty relaxed. We would be disciplined. It’s in our T&C that we cannot work from home with a child under secondary school age.