Is this normal or am I overthinking it?

[PurpleBloom45]

My LG is 13 months old and we have enrolled her in a nursery for 3 days a week. We had 3 settling sessions and she has done 2 full days so far so 5 in total. She is not settling okay and today I got a call from the nursery to come pick her up.

Now, the issue is this. The nursery wrote this update on her observations report which has got me worried and a bit upset. Please have a read:

Unfortunately today Ada is having a really unsettled day and has been very emotional today and is wanting to be carried around constantly which unfortunately we cannot do here. When we tell her we can’t pick her up she’ll follow us round by crawling which is becoming quite dangerous for her as we are tripping over her.
I think as a whole we need to encourage her to self soothe, and to start encouraging her to walk which isn’t going to happen whilst she’s use to being carried so if we can all try and be on the same page in regards to the carrying around.
This is to benefit her so she can get herself around the room independently, and get use to the idea that if she wants to get somewhere she will have to walk rather then being carried.
I know you wrote on her forms to comfort her she likes to be carried, but unfortunately we are on a 1:3 ratio so carrying her round throughout the day is not an option- I hope you understand.
If she doesn’t settle soon she will need collecting as she is becoming quite distressed. Will keep you posted.

I feel she is being pressured to walk before she is ready and the thought of her crawling behind the adults whilst crying breaks my heart!!!

@crumblingschools Prior to sending her to nursery, we were both at home. I have my work desk in one corner of the sitting room and the rest of the space is for her to play with her toys and crawl around or watch telly. Occasionally, I have a tea break and we go out in the garden.

So no baby groups? Just home all day?

No baby groups because they all take place during my working hours.

WFH with a 13 month old won't work, it isn't fair on her.

I'd look for a different nursery. Ours would just never ever write that. Obviously they can't carry her all day but the tone of that message is all wrong, and the bit about the crawling is so weird. It's a baby room, babies crawl.

Wow.
Is settling and adjusting into a centre and promoting a healthy nuturing enviroment no part of this centre.
I would be really disturbed by this place.
What a horrible experience for you.

I would definitely be looking for a different nursery. That doesn’t sound right at all to me. I also don’t think it’s fair on her (or your employer, or you!) that you work the other two days but have no childcare and as you say she is left to roam around the living room or watch TV. All day?

My DD is 4 and until about two weeks ago was still being handed over via a carry to her key worker (she has selective mutism which is an anxiety issue). She always wanted to be cuddled and carried in the baby room and it was never a problem. No one has ever tried to push her to be more independent than she was comfortable with (and that was prior to the SM diagnosis). I'd be looking for a new nursery

I think if you look for another nursery/childminder/nanny, it needs to be full time.

That is horrific

What a horrible thing for them to write. Of course they can’t carry her all day long, but she’s just started and needs extra reassurance. This setting sounds very cold hearted and no way would I send my child back there. But there will be other nurseries or child minders which will work much better. Your child will probably settle much faster at them if the staff are kinder and more patient and understanding. Unfortunately, all the good nurseries will probably have a huge waiting list.

As you’ve said, a nanny in your home is an idea, but as someone who has nannied whilst the parents have been around, that can sometimes be hard also as the child is often trying to find their parent (knowing they’re nearby in the house) and can get distressed when mum comes and goes frequently. As they’d get older they run to ask mum for something if I’d said no. I always found children that I nannied for far more settled when I was sole carer and parents worked out of the house. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, sometimes it worked absolutely fine if parents were consistent with when they came out of their office (eg. just for lunch) and we’re consistent with telling the children not to disturb them whilst they worked. But sometimes it was a nightmare for us all.

That is a horrible message.

Not all nurseries are like this.

At the one we used, they would only settle one baby in at a time. Which could be annoying for parents, sometimes you had to wait for your slot but it did mean that they would have a dedicated person for any children under about 2 I think who were starting so they could be held and comforted as much as necessary for their first couple of weeks

And after that, if the staff were struggling with a clingy child, the manager would step in to up the ratios.

They wouldn't blame the baby for not "self soothing" in a new environment!

And as for staff not being able to hold three babies at once, of course not but if settled into nursery, it's unusual for babies to want to be held all day, they will be off exploring and playing

To echo the others, no, that's not normal or acceptable.

The nursery are wrong but this isn't good for baby and it's going to get impossible as she gets older, you need more child care. I know it's hard but you can't just leave such a young baby to just occupy themselves like that. I'm not surprised she is wanting to be held whenever she gets a chance (not that theres anything wrong with her being held if that's what she needs)

This is why I advise against using a nursery. The smooth functioning of the establishment is the priority, not the individual child and her particular needs. Poor wee baby.

This.
Nurseries are businesses

They aren’t there to provide the same kind of 1:1 care to which you and your baby are accustomed.

Nurseries offer their services and you decide if those services will be good enough to meet your baby’s needs.

The smooth running of the establishment will be the priority, not individual needs and preferences of babies.

The babies will need to somehow adapt to cope with the ratio of staff, changing staff members, meal times, play times etc of the establishment.

Life in a nursery is nothing like life at home with mum.
That’s the reality.

No one is forced to send their baby to a nursery. You, as the parent, make that choice.

Is your issue with the way they’ve “phrased it” or with the fact that they can’t pick up and carry this baby when she needs to be picked up & carried? 🤔

I cannot believe you have been wfh full time with a 13 month. How long has this been going on? No wonder your baby wants to be picked up by anyone they are looking for attention. A 13 month old cannot amuse themselves for 8 hrs a day. And what is Rachel? A tv show?
if you were my staff member this would not be allowed I’m afraid.
Having read your updates, I agree that the nursery have badly worded their message but I really don’t think you have helped your baby here.

The care a good childminder offers is much more like the way a mum would care for her baby, much more natural. Childminders are mostly mothers themselves.

Nurseries are staffed by a mixture of women who have experienced motherhood themselves and younger ones who have chosen to do this kind of job, but who may be totally unsuited to it.

I haven’t read all the replies but if this was me working at the nursery I’d try to do things like sit in the reading corner with a group of children including your DD so she can sit next to me while I engage a whole group of children or sit her on my lap while at a table doing craft / mark making.

She has only just turned one and she’s only just joined. She’s not being a whiny three year old screaming to be carried!

Even when the adults are trying to get ready for a meal or something one should be setting up tables while the others still engage with the kids. No little baby should be left to just be crawling around underfoot asking for attention 😢

@Imustgoforarun Thank you for your comment. I returned back from maternity leave when she was 10 months old. Due to long waiting lists we couldn't find any childcare (even though we have been on the list since she was 1 month old). So what is your point exactly? The past 3 months I have had to wfh with her but that was our only option up until we received a call to say a space has opened up

Not normal! I don’t like several things that are said in that message.

My issue is the way they've phrased it because it illustrates a terrible attitude to a baby displaying very normal behaviour.

A baby may want to be picked up and carried all the time (and it is a want, not a need although they may need comfort) but that isn't possible whether at nursery or at home (where a parent may need to care for another child, make dinner, go to the loo etc). But a good nursery or parent will deal with that by chatting and singing to them, not criticising perfectly normal behaviour.

She might not be walking until 17 months. Some kids just aren’t ready. And very normal for her to be crawling around.

What else was she supposed to do?!

What else? My employer would have fired me for wfh with no child care! That is the "else".