Is this normal or am I overthinking it?

[PurpleBloom45]

My LG is 13 months old and we have enrolled her in a nursery for 3 days a week. We had 3 settling sessions and she has done 2 full days so far so 5 in total. She is not settling okay and today I got a call from the nursery to come pick her up.

Now, the issue is this. The nursery wrote this update on her observations report which has got me worried and a bit upset. Please have a read:

Unfortunately today Ada is having a really unsettled day and has been very emotional today and is wanting to be carried around constantly which unfortunately we cannot do here. When we tell her we can’t pick her up she’ll follow us round by crawling which is becoming quite dangerous for her as we are tripping over her.
I think as a whole we need to encourage her to self soothe, and to start encouraging her to walk which isn’t going to happen whilst she’s use to being carried so if we can all try and be on the same page in regards to the carrying around.
This is to benefit her so she can get herself around the room independently, and get use to the idea that if she wants to get somewhere she will have to walk rather then being carried.
I know you wrote on her forms to comfort her she likes to be carried, but unfortunately we are on a 1:3 ratio so carrying her round throughout the day is not an option- I hope you understand.
If she doesn’t settle soon she will need collecting as she is becoming quite distressed. Will keep you posted.

I feel she is being pressured to walk before she is ready and the thought of her crawling behind the adults whilst crying breaks my heart!!!

Post the nursery name. Take this to the press it’s disgusting, other parents should know their culture and treatment.

Omg OP, this makes for upsetting reading. Your poor DD. Whoever has written this seems to have taken a dislike to her. Talk of encouraging a 13 month old to walk to make their life easier! Their rationale doesn’t even make sense - she can already get around.

Completely awful way to treat a baby! A baby who is away from her mum and her home, she needs comfort! I would be fuming to receive that sort of note or a call to collect my child. It's the nurseries job to be a safe place and soothe the children, not self soothe and leave them to it, 13 months is so little still.

Don't take that crap OP. It's not normal. My children took a few months to settle into nursery and they were full time. Every time I came to collect my child the key workers would be cuddling the kids, ensuring they were ok.

Thank you all so much for replying. It's nearly midnight and I can't sleep - my mind has run wild with the thought of them ignoring her all day.

At home, I work from home 5 days a week so she usually just roams around the sitting room playing with her toys or watching Ms Rachel. She would only cry when sleepy or needing a feed. I needed her to be in nursery because I needed to focus more on work tasks as just joined a new team.

What do I do? I don't want to send her back there, I'm terrified.

I will start by sending an email to the Nursery manager tomorrow to let her know that I'm pulling my LG girl out of their nursery.

That’s really upsetting to read. She’s so young and been there a total of 5 days so she is still settling in an unfamiliar environment.
I would also be concerned with the fact they say they are tripping over her and not helping to comfort her.

Personally, I would be very unhappy with this and would look elsewhere.

My dd took a while to settle in her nursery. After one month a member of staff admitted they just let her sit and cry now as they don’t have the energy to deal with her. I moved her elsewhere and haven’t had any problems with her settling.

I think its worded badly but they have a point.

Simply put, a child in a nursery setting will not get the same level of care that they will in a 1:1 setting.

Imagine that all of the kids wanted carrying. There is a 1:3 ration, so which child gets left to cry, given that each care giver can only carry 2 each? They are trying manage your expectations and help you teach her to move to the next level, which is good for her mental and physical development.

Perhaps nursery isnt for her or you, or indeed a childminder, so consider a nanny or other childcare options such as family if that isnt affordable.

If nursery really is the only answer then maybe read that again and consider taking on board some of their advice. A chat with them may help because frankly I dont care if a nursery worker isnt great with the written word if she is caring towards my child, thats more important that what she writes down surely?

My 10 month old has just started nursery this week. I'd be really upset if I read something like that. It just reads as pretty heartless. Unless there's a drip feed about how you've told them you basically baby wear whenever in the house, it's just heartless and unrealistic. Your baby needs time to settle and crawling is fine! I also wrote on the form that my dd likes being comforted by being carried around, but I'm not expecting them to have to do that all day!

I think I'd arrange to talk to them face to face and go from there. Maybe they could swap her keyworker or something.

OK this is an over reaction, where did you get the idea that they are ignoring her all day?

They didnt say that they were ignoring her, but that they also have other children with needs that need to be cared for too and sometimes those needs will over ride your childs desire to be picked up.

"Terrified" seems a bit strong, what do you think will happen? Genuinely asking, not being nasty.

There is nothing wrong with your child.

There is something wrong with how the nursery are dealing with it.

My DD went to a childminder who could only have one under 1 and didn't add in another baby until the youngest toddler seemed fine with being with her.

Anyway there were a few days when my DD was just over a year when the CM had to carry DD around most of the day. My DD had been going to her for a couple of months at the time. The CM got around it because her CM friends - so other CMs - who had toddlers and preschoolers - also carried DD for an hour here and there. Otherwise the CM would have had to ring me to say DD was too upset.

Roll on a few months and another mindee at around the same age needed the same treatment. There as my DD had grown out of needing it.

@PyongyangKipperbang It's more like my brain thinking the worst. I have asked the nursery twice for who her key person was and I was told it has not been assigned yet so I don't know who I can have a chat with specifically about the needs of my child.

What do I do? I don't want to send her back there, I'm terrified.

Immediately start looking for alternative childcare.

A childminder or other nursery, and maybe a nanny to tide you over until they can take her so you can keep your job.

The nursery are likely short staffed if they can't be deal with a young toddler following them around and keeping that chiod safe.

I know when I turned up with DD late to go to her CM all the mindees followed the CM to the door to let DD in. This was sometimes helpful as when DD had had a tantrum the other mindees calmed her down by being her welcoming committee.

Btw my DD didn't walk until 15 months. No big deal for the CM and the CM didn't try to force her to walk.

The thing is, they are managing your expectations.

You have a child that is quite needy (said with kindness, I had a velcro baby too) and a nursery isnt equipped, with the carer to child ratios, to be able to devote the amount of time to your child that you both want.

So they are suggesting ways that could help the transition from one on one with Mummy, to a nursery enviroment go more smoothly. It was worded very badly but I can see what they are trying to say.

Harsh as it is, a nursery is a place for many children to be looked after together and sometimes that means a gringing baby who is fine but wants to be picked up, may have to wait while a baby with a poonami is cleaned up.

Try turning it on its head....imagine your child was left sitting in a massively messy poonami because someone elses child needed constant carrying around so they prioritised that child. How would that make you feel?

They are prioritising in the best way they can in that type of caring situation. If you want more one on one care then I am afraid you will have to pay a hell of a lot more for it.

My qualifications are as a mother of 6 who HATED sending my eldest to nursery as he wasnt the main focus of everyone there, but I had no choice as he is disabled and it was the best way to bring on his development, and it did! He was fine, it was me that hated it!

i would take the baby of there immediately!! nursery's are useless. they get paid to work but don't follow instructions ridiculous.

Pull her out and just do your best at work in the mean time. No way would my child be spending another day with people who want caring for her to involve her staying out of their way. She's just a baby!

This broke my heart. You must be so upset. Absolutely pull her out of there. She's a little baby who is just settling in. How cruel of them.

My baby was nearly 18 months when she started walking and nursery never commented on her walking. Not once. And I can't imagine them ever treating my child the way yours has been treated.

I hope you're OK xx.

I think you misunderstand how it works. You are buying the services they offer, if you dont like what they offer, dont buy their services. You are not their employer. The simple fact is that a carer in charge of 3 babies cannot carry them all, so one is going to lose out. If you are unhappy with the ratio then nursery care is not for you. Its unrealistic to accept those terms and then complain about them when they dont work out as you expect.

This and I'd be saying that I was very concerned to read that the nursery staff couldn't keep babies/children who were crawling safe. I'd also consider sending those comments to Ofsted assuming that they are true. That sounds extremely worrying.

that's exactly why i would never put my child in a nursery, but don't judge who does ofc as i know loads of people need it!! but still i don't think them forcing the little girl to walk is not going to solve nothing. and complaining about she being needy? like is a 18 month old of course is going to be needy, they need attention and love. but yes i understand what you say about there's no arms for everyone im sorry if i sounded wrong.

@PyongyangKipperbang I think you misunderstood. My expectation is not for her to be carried all the time. At home she is not carried always so I wouldn't expect that at the nursery. Having said that, she has been in this environment for only 5 days and she is 13 months and needs to settle.

My expectation is that of care, patience, attention and warmth which would enable her build trust with the staff (her key worker at least) and feel comfortable at nursery.

If my expectations above seem unrealistic and stupid then it's my fault for taking their word for it during our initial visit.

sounds like perhaps they said "Yes no problem" to everything and didnt follow through. I apologise if I have misunderstood.

I just wonder if there is a mismatch of expectations here, they run a nursery on the understanding that it is a group setting and you want more one on one care. Realistically though, either way you need care for her whilst you work, so is a nanny doable? Or an au pair or mothers help? So she is at home but you are not her first line carer while you are working?

@AbraAbraCadabra I have taken screenshots of this message on the app. The fact that someone could type this and send to us is shocking. I'm a first time mum so I just wanted to double check if this was how it's done everywhere because my heart sank.

I would not take my child back there. Sorry, know it isn't that easy but I agree, not normal and the whole thing comes across a little impatient and passive aggressive.

@PyongyangKipperbang I will resume the search for a nanny tomorrow morning. Someone who can look after her in other parts of our home whilst I work in my home office.

Agencies are very good, a bit more expensive but quicker and easier than employing them directly yourself. I hope you find someone soon, sounds like a better fit for you both at the moment. Good luck.

I am not agreeing with the nursery’s approach but are you saying prior to sending her to nursery you were WFH with your daughter having to amuse herself?