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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Is this normal or am I overthinking it?

106 replies

PurpleBloom45 · 03/09/2024 22:14

My LG is 13 months old and we have enrolled her in a nursery for 3 days a week. We had 3 settling sessions and she has done 2 full days so far so 5 in total. She is not settling okay and today I got a call from the nursery to come pick her up.

Now, the issue is this. The nursery wrote this update on her observations report which has got me worried and a bit upset. Please have a read:

Unfortunately today Ada is having a really unsettled day and has been very emotional today and is wanting to be carried around constantly which unfortunately we cannot do here. When we tell her we can’t pick her up she’ll follow us round by crawling which is becoming quite dangerous for her as we are tripping over her.
I think as a whole we need to encourage her to self soothe, and to start encouraging her to walk which isn’t going to happen whilst she’s use to being carried so if we can all try and be on the same page in regards to the carrying around.
This is to benefit her so she can get herself around the room independently, and get use to the idea that if she wants to get somewhere she will have to walk rather then being carried.
I know you wrote on her forms to comfort her she likes to be carried, but unfortunately we are on a 1:3 ratio so carrying her round throughout the day is not an option- I hope you understand.
If she doesn’t settle soon she will need collecting as she is becoming quite distressed. Will keep you posted.

I feel she is being pressured to walk before she is ready and the thought of her crawling behind the adults whilst crying breaks my heart!!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 03/09/2024 22:35

I don't think that's normal.

I've had two DDs in nursery (youngest is still there), and it was very normal in the baby room to arrive at pick up and see the staff holding a child, or sitting with a child or two on their lap reading a story. One time I arrived and DD was just fast asleep on a staff member's shoulder.

I also think the comment "she’ll follow us round by crawling which is becoming quite dangerous for her as we are tripping over her" is very strange. It's a nursery - of course there will be crawling and toddling babies all over the place! Even if they're not following you, you might turn round to find one just crawling past right behind you. I would assume this is a normal thing that nursery staff would just need to be aware of.

However - to play devil's advocate, how much is she needing holding? They obviously cannot hold her constantly and if she is asking for it all day I can definitely see that it's just not possible. I don't think their approach to it is great though. Since she's new to the nursery, you'd think they'd understand she may need more reassurance at first. And I don't really see how her walking would reduce her desire to be picked up - she can already move herself around.

USaYwHatNow · 03/09/2024 22:46

I don't think that's normal either. We were incredibly lucky and both my husband and I both had a paid year off with our son. He went to nursery at the same age as your little girl and his key workers carried him and cuddled him when he was upset. They understood that he'd only ever been round family and were accommodating.

For a long while they also took him on pram walks around the site where I work (where the nursery is also based) to get him to nap as this was the only way he would sleep in the day. They slowly transitioned him to napping on the floor mats with a bum tap/back rub which I'm still in awe about as he doesn't do that at home.

I did have one upsetting day where one of the nursery workers said his crying was 'concerning' but he'd only been there 3 weeks 🙄 and his key worker quickly reassured me and said that they are managing by comforting him and he's still settling in.

He's been there a year now and enjoys his days as far as I can tell and had really good relationships with a lot of the nursery and his key workers.

DoAhhDiddy · 03/09/2024 22:51

Disgusting. It takes some children a long time to settle. Nursery workers are there to support them. Mine was an outstanding nursery and would never think something like that. Sorry but I would look for somewhere new.

Bobbybobbins · 03/09/2024 22:53

Hm this is not great. At first I misread your OP and thought it said 3 which would make more sense. 13 months is a baby!

Seedseason · 03/09/2024 22:54

Find a more caring setting, ideally one where they can also use grammar correctly

Cobblersorchard · 03/09/2024 22:56

This is really not normal. You need a new nursery, I wouldn’t leave my child there.

My DD started at 13 months, she was a late walker and I never had comments like this. It was never an issue to carry her.

Poor little one, they sound horrid.

BarbaraHoward · 03/09/2024 22:58

That's not normal at all. It is of course true that they can't carry her all day long, but the way they've phrased it is awful.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/09/2024 22:59

That’s appalling.

PrincessOfPreschool · 03/09/2024 22:59

I think reading between the lines on this...

Either they think, or you have told them, that she is carried most of the time at home. That as soon as she cries, she expects to be picked up.

They are basically saying that the way she is treated at home is not possible to replicate at nursery and they are asking you to help by not picking her up every time she cries.

Is she able to self soothe at home? If you have created a child who can't self soothe at this age then you haven't done her any favours for starting somewhere where she basically needs to function as 1 adult:3 children ie. Like having one parent with triplets and no other adult support.

If, on the other hand, they have it all wrong and have read the home situation wrong then move nurseries if you can. If they have read the home situation right then any nursery will be the same, they just might be a bit less honest about it.

readysteadynono · 03/09/2024 23:00

Mine are past this age. But I can’t imagine my child’s nursery writing that. I’d be furious. I think you should find a new nursery.

Sadmamatoday · 03/09/2024 23:07

I understand they can't carry her around and that seems perfectly reasonable, but it seems like extreme measures given she's just started and needs to properly settle in. I wouldn't be happy with this and think you'd be better looking elsewhere

YeahComeOnThen · 03/09/2024 23:09

Seedseason · 03/09/2024 22:54

Find a more caring setting, ideally one where they can also use grammar correctly

I don't GAF what their grammar is like, it's nursery, it's not going to impact my child.

@PurpleBloom45

once I'd taped my heart back together I'd send a scathing reply to that & my baby would not be going back there!! She's a BABY in a nursery, crawling should not put her in danger.
She's been there a few times, if they haven't got the time to make her feel secure there, they have more children than they can cope with.

so if we can all try and be on the same page in regards to the carrying around

Can we fuck! I'm not, not going to pick my daughter up, to make your life easier!

This is to benefit her so she can get herself around the room independently, and get use to the idea that if she wants to get somewhere she will have to walk rather then being carried. no that's for YOUR benefit!!

I am fuming on your & DD's behalf.

😤😤😤

Overthebow · 03/09/2024 23:10

They’ve worded it badly, but I think it depends how much she’s wanting to be carried and what you usually do at home. Of course they’re not going to be able to carry her for most of the day, they’ve got a 1:3 ratio and all babies need attention. However they should be able to pick her up some of the time. It’s only her second day so she’s still settling in, hopefully she’ll become a bit more independent as time goes on.

Hambala · 03/09/2024 23:11

I think the message demonstrates a really fundamental failure to understand the needs of a very young child. It’s concerning to read. I’d also be looking for a new nursery/childcare arrangement asap.

Blankets85 · 03/09/2024 23:11

No this isn't normal. The person who wrote that sounds really annoyed with your daughter. How sad. I wouldn't be sending my child back there.

mistymirror · 03/09/2024 23:16

I would not be happy if the nursery I sent my two girls to at that age wrote something like that on the app for me to read!!
They are speaking as if she aware of what she is doing and is being a 'nuisance' and basically telling you to also stop carrying her and comforting her like you normally would at home? Stopping carrying her won't make her walk quicker either!!!

NewName24 · 03/09/2024 23:16

No it isn't normal and I would be quite concerned about them writing that to a parent of a baby who is just settling in.

qualifiedazure · 03/09/2024 23:18

They're telling you clearly what their approach is - tough love, cry it out, don't let babies get too attached or they will be clingy.

I wouldn't say this is normal but there are definitely still some nurseries like this - they're becoming less common though.

Most nurseries and childminders are now a lot more attachment focussed and would expect a brand new baby to need to be held lots to help build attachment and settle them in.

Absolutely no chance a child of mine would go back to this setting!

Justnippinginthegaragelove · 03/09/2024 23:20

That's terrible... she's just started nursery 5 days ago and is only a baby, of course it's going to take some time to settle her! As for saying she needs to start walking, how ridiculous! They do it when they're ready. I'd start looking for a new nursery right away.

For comparison, my 3 year old started pre-school today and she had a member of staff stay with her 1-2-1 all morning even though she wasn't upset.

tobeornottobe1 · 03/09/2024 23:20

@PurpleBloom45 that broke my heart reading it too! I'm so sorry you had to read that. It definitely is not normal, please find her a loving and caring nursery. My little one is same age and the thought of that being her and crawling and crying would break me too! She's literally 1 years old how can you explain to a 1 year old that she needs to walk herself and not be carried! It's insane.

Corksoles · 03/09/2024 23:21

There are some (a lot) of terrible nurseries. This is clearly one of them.

Run for the hills.

Heybearu · 03/09/2024 23:22

Yes not ok at all, poor sweetheart. Definitely a different nursery.

Lincoln24 · 03/09/2024 23:22

I can't imagine my daughter's nursery writing something like that. It's not just the factual content, I could just about see an argument for encouraging her to be independent, but it's the tone which seems to view her as a massive inconvenience which is really concerning. It doesn't sound like a caring place.

Kaylar · 03/09/2024 23:22

Oh this is awful to read, they don't sound like a kind and caring setting AT ALL. Please take your poor baby out of there, immediately if at all possible. They're clearly distressed and not receiving appropriate comfort and I just couldn't bear to have my baby experience that 🥺
Their expectations of babies just seems WILD and ruthless

GrumpySock · 03/09/2024 23:24

That's heartbreaking. I would not send her back. I'm sorry I don't know your situation and maybe you have to have some childcare but this message they sent is cruel. Would you consider moving her to another nursery or send her to a childminder?
Poor baby!

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