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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Settling in nightmare =(

92 replies

NC83 · 31/08/2021 12:08

I have just-turned 3 year old twin daughters. I worked part time since they were born, and when I did work they were watched by my husband (his work pattern is as if he's self employed and his work is very flexible). They have an older sibling, but because of the pandemic they have spent half their lives almost entirely with us because our family lives overseas.

I started working full time again and we cannot get our twins to settle at nursery. They refuse to go through the front door (because of covid mitigation policy they have to go in without us). We end up up taking them around to the back garden - they play nicely and love the nursery staff (who are amazing), but they keep running and checking that we are there and they don't trust the nursery staff much (no bathroom, help with getting dressed, and they won't go where they can't see us). We have tried sneaking away, but they had a complete meltdown to the point they could have hurt themselves - they couldn't breathe because of the panic. We can't do that again. We've tried bribes, threats of taking away toys, everything.

We tried settling them a few months back, but had to give up because they were making no progress. We are now trying again that they are older, but they are still making no progress. We just have short 30 minute to 60 minute plays while mum or dad is on the other side of the fence. It's been about 10 attempts this time around and there is very little progress.

My kids are naturally a bit anxious, but the pandemic has really created some big issues for them. We had no issues with the older sibling, so I really hope this is just situational. For example, my in-laws came recently after not seeing them for almost 2 years, and the twins wouldn't agree to be left alone for the first couple of weeks but they are just fine now.

Has anybody been through something similar and is there any hope at all? Our nursery has been very supportive, but at some point l'm sure they will tell us it isn't working. We know they would love nursery if they can get over their anxiety, and they need to learn how to socialise. This has led to A LOT of tears and stress in my house, and my poor husband has basically become a stay-at-home dad on top of his usual work responsibilities. They are very sweet and fun kids apart from this one big issue. Quitting work or hiring a nanny is almost not an option financially - we are lost.

Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you all.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

seaandsandcastles · 31/08/2021 12:12

You should never sneak away - that makes it worse because they feel they can’t trust you’ll always be there, as they turn around and you’re just gone and they don’t know if/when you’re coming back.

You just drop to drop them off with a cheery goodbye - make the goodbye as positive on your end as you can, leave a familiar item with them perhaps - and then be all smiles and happy upon return.

They need to learn that when you say goodbye, it’s always followed by a hello later on because you will come back. They can then trust that you will return

seaandsandcastles · 31/08/2021 12:12

*You just need to drop them off that should say, sorry

FuckingFlumps · 31/08/2021 12:15

Honestly the best thing you can do for them is a firm but kind goodbye at the door and then leave. Dragging it out for so many short settling in sessions will have made the whole situation a million times worse.

JennaPenna · 31/08/2021 12:15

How many days are they going?
I understand your approach to be on the other side of the fence but I'm afraid this won't help things and possibly make it worse as their expecting you to be there.
My LO cried on drop offs whilst settling in and tbh I'm quite thankful to Covid that I couldn't go inside and it's a quick drop and go.
On the way to nursery I used to say how much fun he'd have with his friends, once at the door I exaggerated I'll see him soon quick wave and I left.
9/10 when I rang an hour later he forgot all about me.
When you pick them up be very enthusiastic about how good they've been, tears or not tell them they've done great.

THATmamaofMANY · 31/08/2021 12:19

I work in early years. 30-60 mins is not long enough and you being just over the fence likely isn't helping either

Emmacb82 · 31/08/2021 12:45

You need to say goodbye and then you need to leave. All the time they know you are outside and looking over the fence, they won’t settle as they want to be with you. They need to spend a whole morning their a few times without you in order to get used to it. They are older and more attached to you so it’s not going to be easy but they will eventually settle and be fine. And the beautiful thing about twins is that they will have each other. Good luck

Horehound · 31/08/2021 12:52

Aw this sounds so tough but I think you need to take them and big smiles and wave, a milky button each and say bye and off you go. They will never get used to the place if you're still there and they are only having short bursts of it.
It's always worst when you see them crying but they will stop pretty quickly afterwards. My son does this going to my parents etc and then mum sends a photo a few mins after we've gone and he's happy as Larry.

Tataru · 31/08/2021 12:57

I agree with PPs. I think you need to stop hovering around on the other side of the fence, – just drop them off, cheery 'Have fun, I will see you soon!' and leave. They will cry and probably be furious. But nursery staff are trained to deal with it. We had two settling-in sessions before her first day. Ten just seems excessive - are the nursery the ones suggesting you keep doing those?

On my DD's first proper day, she was howling when I left her and I cried all the way home. Nursery rang me just after I got home (10-minute walk!) to say she was perfectly happy, having a snack and playing in the water table. After another few sessions where she cried on drop-off, one day she just ran in and didn't look back, and now she loves going and barely even says bye to me, just rushes in to see her pals .

Tataru · 31/08/2021 12:58

Also 30 mins seems pointlessly short. My DD's sessions were 2.5 hours I think. I doubt anyone can settle in anywhere in 30-min bursts.

Whinge · 31/08/2021 12:58

You need to say goodbye and then you need to leave. All the time they know you are outside and looking over the fence, they won’t settle as they want to be with you.

I agree with this. A cheery but firm goodbye and then leave. Yes they will probably cry, but it's much easier to engage them in activities once parents have gone. It feels unkind, but I think hovering and having so many settling in sessions is the more unkind option. Leaving sets a clear distinction that it's nursery time. Where as sitting on the other side of the fence and having such short sessions causes confusion, and they expect you to jump in as they know you're still there.

FTEngineerM · 31/08/2021 13:00

We just hand over and wave goodbye, wait for cute smiling pic in a few minutes inside.

I too think you’re staying too long and creating the problem.

Tataru · 31/08/2021 13:02

Also please don't bribe or threaten with with toys being taken away. It won't work and it will only make them feel even more insecure. They aren't being naughty or doing it on purpose. They are toddlers - they have terrible impulse control and are still making sense of the world and their place in it. Telling them not to be upset or you'll take their toys away just makes them even more uncertain and scared of their emotions.

Do you talk about nursery at all and their emotions about it?

Horehound · 31/08/2021 13:05

One thing that did help my boy I think (because I had him settling in at one nursery and I hated it, wasn't happy with him there so found another), the owner of the new nursery let us come to the nursery after all the children had gone and so my boy got to see the room he'd be in and play with some toys etc whilst we filled out paperwork and stuff. So we were there about an hour which I think helped. Maybe you could ask nursery if they'd allow this once everyone has gone?

00100001 · 31/08/2021 13:05

Agree with PP about cheery good-byes etc.

Practise at home.

Get them in a safe place, doing something like a puzzle by themselves. Tell kiddies you're going upstairs now to do something, and you'll be back soon. The. Come back down a few minutes later saying "see i said I'd be back! What did you do? How was the puzzle" etc.

Leave them with Dad, and leave the house, tell them where you're going, and welcome them when you come back. Same for Dad.

Don't make a huge fuss, don't ask if they missed you etc. Ask them what fun things they did etc

SwanShaped · 31/08/2021 13:05

I agree you just need to leave. Tell them beforehand. Say bye and leave. Do not go back to try to comfort them. Then you go and cry somewhere in secret and come back a few hours later. They won’t settle if they can see you or for such a short amount of time.

PotteringAlong · 31/08/2021 13:07

You are making it worse. Take them in, say goodbye and then leave. Rinse and repeat.

You are both working full time, you have no family help. They have to get on with it. You need to rip the sticking plaster off.

MaggieFS · 31/08/2021 13:10

They shouldn't be running over to check you are there because you should be gone. Big happy cheerio and see you in a few hours and off you go and don't look back. The staff are experts and will manage it. It may take time but the children will settle.

October2020 · 31/08/2021 13:10

As kindly as possible, this isn't a covid problem, this is a you problem. You need to say goodbye and leave - come back after half a day, rinse and repeat. They cannot possibly settle like this and I'm not surprised they're finding it impossible.

Original poster

NC83 · 31/08/2021 13:27

Thank you all for the comments. I think you are right that we are making the problem worse by lingering.

The issue is, one of my daughters (it is one in particular) is extremely anxious and I don't think there is any way that she will go through the front door. A nursery worker tried to pick her up and she full on sprinted away, it's not going to happen.

We will start working on saying goodbye, but I am not optimistic unfortunately.

OP posts:

Whinge · 31/08/2021 13:32

The issue is, one of my daughters (it is one in particular) is extremely anxious and I don't think there is any way that she will go through the front door. A nursery worker tried to pick her up and she full on sprinted away, it's not going to happen.

Why not say goodbye in the garden?They're happy to stay in the garden from what you've said, and nursery are already ok with you dropping off that way.

FuckingFlumps · 31/08/2021 13:33

I think you're finding yourself in a self fulfilling prophecy here. She is 3 years old. I'm sure a staff member can get her into the building but if you go into it with the mindset that it's all going to go wrong and not going to happen she will be picking up on this and you will be exhibing signals to her that it's a situation that is going to be stressful.

Presumably they have gotten her in every time you've been the other side of the gate so it is possible. Instead of having a mindset that it's going to be a disaster I'd really recommend having a positive attitude and if you can't do that then honestly someone else should probably drop them off.

00100001 · 31/08/2021 13:33

Well, send her through the garden then of it helps.

Or pick her up and hand her to the nursery worker.

Or hold her hand and don't let go until the nursery worker has a firm hold of her.

With the anxiety, explain what is happening next so she knows what to expect.
Reassure her that's she's going to have so much fun at nursery, what is she looking forward to, ask her to remember what's in her lunch bag etc as a distraction.

PotteringAlong · 31/08/2021 13:33

I agree; just say goodbye in the garden.

Loudestcat14 · 31/08/2021 13:40

It sounds like they are picking up on your anxiety about how they will cope. They see you hovering/fretting and they now associate nursery with stress. It’s hard to do at first but a very firm goodbye and quickly walking away is the way forward. You can always call the nursery a little later on to see how they are - and I bet you anything they settle pretty quickly after you’ve gone.

FTEngineerM · 31/08/2021 13:43

Idon't think there is any way that she will go through the front door

She can’t overpower the nursery worker?
Pick her up and hand her to the person at the door wave and leave.

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