Settling in nightmare =(

[NC83]

I have just-turned 3 year old twin daughters. I worked part time since they were born, and when I did work they were watched by my husband (his work pattern is as if he's self employed and his work is very flexible). They have an older sibling, but because of the pandemic they have spent half their lives almost entirely with us because our family lives overseas.

I started working full time again and we cannot get our twins to settle at nursery. They refuse to go through the front door (because of covid mitigation policy they have to go in without us). We end up up taking them around to the back garden - they play nicely and love the nursery staff (who are amazing), but they keep running and checking that we are there and they don't trust the nursery staff much (no bathroom, help with getting dressed, and they won't go where they can't see us). We have tried sneaking away, but they had a complete meltdown to the point they could have hurt themselves - they couldn't breathe because of the panic. We can't do that again. We've tried bribes, threats of taking away toys, everything.

We tried settling them a few months back, but had to give up because they were making no progress. We are now trying again that they are older, but they are still making no progress. We just have short 30 minute to 60 minute plays while mum or dad is on the other side of the fence. It's been about 10 attempts this time around and there is very little progress.

My kids are naturally a bit anxious, but the pandemic has really created some big issues for them. We had no issues with the older sibling, so I really hope this is just situational. For example, my in-laws came recently after not seeing them for almost 2 years, and the twins wouldn't agree to be left alone for the first couple of weeks but they are just fine now.

Has anybody been through something similar and is there any hope at all? Our nursery has been very supportive, but at some point l'm sure they will tell us it isn't working. We know they would love nursery if they can get over their anxiety, and they need to learn how to socialise. This has led to A LOT of tears and stress in my house, and my poor husband has basically become a stay-at-home dad on top of his usual work responsibilities. They are very sweet and fun kids apart from this one big issue. Quitting work or hiring a nanny is almost not an option financially - we are lost.

Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you all.

Their anxiety will feed from your anxiety. Be cheery, be firm, wave goodbye and say "I'm off now, see you later when I've finished work" and leave. Yes they may have a meltdown but it won't last forever,

We've tried bribes, threats of taking away toys, everything

That sounds awful, as well as sneaking away. You need to explain to them you will be back.

I know we aren't making it any better, and we need to take on board some of the comments, but I don't think it is as simple as everybody says.

I know it must be difficult seeing them get so upset, what have the nursery suggested as the 30 / 60 minutes clearly isn't working? Also probably a daft question but have you tried a cheery goodbye? It really might be that simple, if they know you're leaving and then have a chance to settle without you there.

childmind.org/article/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-children-are-anxious/

I found that me walking away while they waved was no good. So I'd carry to the door, open door and big hello to whoever opened it I mean properly OTT. Hand them over and I mean physically pass them to staff member. Then a big have fun, goodbye, mummy will see you later. Staff member then turned and walked away and I left. However none of mine had anything more than normal wariness of somewhere new.

@NC83 My special needs two year old screamed and carried on for a long period of time as he had separation anxiety and never really been away from us before but I just matter of fact took him in-he would start screaming as soon as he knew I was driving in direction of nursery but he eventually calmed down and the tantrum happened every day for like a month but we got on with it and had to steel our spines and he eventually loved going there

@NC83 My son had surgery after six weeks of NiCU and multiple hospitalizations prior to nursery so no one could fault his separation anxiety but he eventually grew to love it

Early life trauma can make a child highly anxious. My experience of this is as an adoptive parent but difficult medical/hospital experiences can have the same effect. I haven't started my anxious child at nursery yet but I'm just wondering if your girls have a keyworker and if it's the same person playing with them every time? I think forming a relationship with one key attachment figure could be really helpful.

@UnbeatenMum

Early life trauma can make a child highly anxious. My experience of this is as an adoptive parent but difficult medical/hospital experiences can have the same effect. I haven't started my anxious child at nursery yet but I'm just wondering if your girls have a keyworker and if it's the same person playing with them every time? I think forming a relationship with one key attachment figure could be really helpful.

She was in the hospital at around 1 with pneumonia for a few days, strapped down to oxygen away from mom and her sister (my husband stayed with her while I watched the other kids). We do think that is what made her the more anxious one as my other kids are more typical when it comes to separation.

They have one worker who only deals with them - they don't even let the other workers interact with them until they are settled. TBH they are such a great nursery, just dreading the day when they are sick of us.

[quote EKGEMS]@NC83 My son had surgery after six weeks of NiCU and multiple hospitalizations prior to nursery so no one could fault his separation anxiety but he eventually grew to love it [/quote]
Wow, that is impressive that he was able to settle at all after that. Hope he is doing well now x.

@NC83 Thank you! Yes he's 21 and a social butterfly. Still has severe cerebral palsy and challenges but doing well

One of my children has a tendency to hold his breath until he passes out when upset, angry, or hurt and he still settled into nursery quickly and happily by being told we were going and us leaving. It’s not an uncommon thing for children to do and most nurseries will be experienced with children who do it.

It's so hard, but I agree with others, you just have to smile, wave goodbye and leave. The nursery should be secure enough that they can't get out once you go in with them. I found it really hard when my son cried at drop off but the nursery staff are professionals and were able to settle him quickly.

Given your daughters' age, it might be worth doing a learning story at home with them? "At home, mummy and daddy look after you and when you need a cuddle or something to eat etc, we give you that. At nursery xx looks after you and when you need x, y and z, they will give it to you. At xx time, mummy or daddy will collect you and we'll go home, play with blah, have a cuddle or a bath etc etc" You can add photos of both places and read it every morning to try to cement it and give them something to think about when they panic?

My DD was very hard to settle (an “extreme case” the nursery boss called it!). Their plan involved me attending quite a few sessions with her to show her nursery was a safe, positive place. Then very short stays on her own and so forth. Above all it was about building a bond with one member of staff as has been mentioned - once that forms you’re away as they have their mummy substitute. It took ages (I think it was nine intense weeks) but DD adores nursery now and I’m glad I didn’t give up. I remember how emotional it all was and I really feel for you.

Mine is 2 and has some difficult handovers but not as bad as yours. Yet.
At the moment what works is , picking them up and handing over to the keyworker (so cuddle to cuddle) but the keyworker doesn't go in. She just talks to me about anything and everything. We go over his sleep schedule, the weather, what they plan to do in nursery, how many nappies are left. We talk about anything but never address my child. Just two adults chatting. For whatever reason this settles my kid... could be he can see I trust the keyworker? No clue...

It is pretty common for them to get upset initially but the staff are used to settling upset children. We’ve found our new ones have settled far more quickly with the drop at door and parents go method we had to put in place during Covid. So long as the nursery know what will help - comfort objects, favourite toys, etc then they will work with settling the children.

I’d recommend an hour initially. Enough time to settle but not so long they start getting tired and leaving them wanting to carry on playing and exploring. Extend the time gradually as they settle more. They need to learn they are safe without you, get to know the staff and realise they are friendly, exciting adults and know you will always come back for them.

I just wondered how you got on afterwards? And to say I do sympathise. I have three children and I find my twins “feed” off each other so if one gets upset the other copies and it escalates so I have spent many a morning trying to round up both while one runs out the nursery door in tears not wanting to go in.

I feel the staff should be guiding you more but I found I had to be quite direct with our nursery that I needed two people to hand them both off to. Some get it, some don’t. Otherwise you round up one and in that time you’ve done that, the other has run off again!

Also my singleton was “anxious”. We did cheery and breezy and all that jazz but I didn’t have a second child feeding off those emotions at the same time so I feel for you.

In the nicest possible way I went with the we need to get on with this and once we had TWO people to take them each morning that was that.