Settling in nightmare =(

[NC83]

I have just-turned 3 year old twin daughters. I worked part time since they were born, and when I did work they were watched by my husband (his work pattern is as if he's self employed and his work is very flexible). They have an older sibling, but because of the pandemic they have spent half their lives almost entirely with us because our family lives overseas.

I started working full time again and we cannot get our twins to settle at nursery. They refuse to go through the front door (because of covid mitigation policy they have to go in without us). We end up up taking them around to the back garden - they play nicely and love the nursery staff (who are amazing), but they keep running and checking that we are there and they don't trust the nursery staff much (no bathroom, help with getting dressed, and they won't go where they can't see us). We have tried sneaking away, but they had a complete meltdown to the point they could have hurt themselves - they couldn't breathe because of the panic. We can't do that again. We've tried bribes, threats of taking away toys, everything.

We tried settling them a few months back, but had to give up because they were making no progress. We are now trying again that they are older, but they are still making no progress. We just have short 30 minute to 60 minute plays while mum or dad is on the other side of the fence. It's been about 10 attempts this time around and there is very little progress.

My kids are naturally a bit anxious, but the pandemic has really created some big issues for them. We had no issues with the older sibling, so I really hope this is just situational. For example, my in-laws came recently after not seeing them for almost 2 years, and the twins wouldn't agree to be left alone for the first couple of weeks but they are just fine now.

Has anybody been through something similar and is there any hope at all? Our nursery has been very supportive, but at some point l'm sure they will tell us it isn't working. We know they would love nursery if they can get over their anxiety, and they need to learn how to socialise. This has led to A LOT of tears and stress in my house, and my poor husband has basically become a stay-at-home dad on top of his usual work responsibilities. They are very sweet and fun kids apart from this one big issue. Quitting work or hiring a nanny is almost not an option financially - we are lost.

Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you all.

Yes, we will try to say goodbye in the back garden. Any tips on what has worked with other parents for the first break away session? We are happy to fill them up with chocolate first, for example.

@NC83

Yes, we will try to say goodbye in the back garden. Any tips on what has worked with other parents for the first break away session? We are happy to fill them up with chocolate first, for example.

Why chocolate?

You just need to say a cheery goodbye and leave. It's as simple as that.

In the kindest way, you're making this much harder for them, for you, and for the nursery.

You take them, simply say 'I love you, see you later' then you leave. Don't linger. Drop off and go.

Your child is barely 3, you don't allow her to run away. You pick her up and hand her over. She's not the boss. I'd put my house on her crying until the door shuts behind you and immediately stopping. That's almost always what happens.

You need to take charge and stop all this messing. I bet the nursery are pulling their hair out!

Don't bribe with sweet treats.
My LO kicked off a couple of times at drop off and I just literally handed him over and left.
It's best to do it as quick and easy and possible.
If she kicks off, just say goodbye and walk away.

Say goodbye, walk away, ignore the screaming. The nursery staff will be well practiced in holding onto a distraught toddler. We’ve all had to do it. They’re fine seconds after you leave

@NC83

Yes, we will try to say goodbye in the back garden. Any tips on what has worked with other parents for the first break away session? We are happy to fill them up with chocolate first, for example.

Why on earth would you fill them up with chocolate? You don't need treats or bribes or promises.

Go into the garden, say goodbye, leave and come back to collect them with a smile several hours later. It really is that simple.

You're making this way more complicated and stressful than it needs to be.

Chocolate!? What are you talking about!?

You sound very anxious, and to be frank, a little odd.

Your children are picking up on this. It doesn't need to be this hard.

Take them to the front door, why are you in the garden? Hand them over and leave.

Going into the garden is lingering.

Do Not bribe them, that just tells them you think you’re leaving them somewhere where they shouldn’t want to be.

Why do you think they may harm themselves by not breathing? What do you think might happen? You’re sounding very anxious & this will transmit to them. Agree with a cheery, positive goodbye & leave. They will settle & the staff have done all this before.

@NC83

Yes, we will try to say goodbye in the back garden. Any tips on what has worked with other parents for the first break away session? We are happy to fill them up with chocolate first, for example.

They don't need chocolate and nursery won't thank you for sending is twins with s sugar high!

Just take them into the garden, say "goodbye I will pick you up at x time" and then leave. Don't linger or look back, yes they will cry and kick off but I can almost guarantee that they will be fine within 10-20 minutes.

@NC83

Yes, we will try to say goodbye in the back garden. Any tips on what has worked with other parents for the first break away session? We are happy to fill them up with chocolate first, for example.

You'll make a rod for your own back if you do this. My three year old has days he doesn't want to go in, or days when he has the mother of all tantrums when he irrationally (aka toddler logic) decides the 'wrong' member of staff has come out to collect him.

He is picked up and handed over even if kicking or screaming. It's ugly and not pleasant and I feel awful but he will be fine five minutes later and there is no reasonable alternative.

I've also witnessed another child do this and the waterworks stopped as if a switch had been flicked the second the parent was out of the gate.

I would not pander to any nonsense. Toddlers can be devilishly crafty. If you trust the nursery you need to trust them to settle your children.

I've also witnessed another child do this and the waterworks stopped as if a switch had been flicked the second the parent was out of the gate.

Yep, it's like witchcraft. There's a lot of parents who don't believe it, but it's like children have a 6th sense and as soon as their parents are gone. Bam, from completely hysterical to absolutely fine in seconds.

In the kindest possible way, OP, this is a situation of your own making. You are making this a problem and your twins are picking up on that - that’s why they’re behaving as they are.

They don’t need bribing or cajoling. A simple cheery, positive goodbye, wave and leave.

Nothing else is necessary.

@srh96

Chocolate!? What are you talking about!?

You sound very anxious, and to be frank, a little odd.

Your children are picking up on this. It doesn't need to be this hard.

Take them to the front door, why are you in the garden? Hand them over and leave.

Going into the garden is lingering.

This was not the starting point for sure. We tried a normal drop off, as we did with our eldest daughter in her settling days, and we couldn't do it.

I don't think you appreciate how severe of anxiety one of them has!

I don't think you appreciate how severe of anxiety one of them has!

I think you're massively over exaggerating how anxious a 3 year old can be. Unless there is a back story here her anxiety is a product of how you are approaching the situation.

I don't think you appreciate how severe of anxiety one of them has!

Obviously posters can't know as we're not there to see it, but the way you've gone about settling them in really won't have helped with the anxiety.

@FuckingFlumps

I don't think you appreciate how severe of anxiety one of them has!

I think you're massively over exaggerating how anxious a 3 year old can be. Unless there is a back story here her anxiety is a product of how you are approaching the situation.

Yes, it is hard for others to appreciate it. She is such a sweet kid, but her anxiety is a whole other level. There was a rough hospital stay when she was younger we think started it.

She’s young enough that her anxiety can be fixed with parental help showing her that despite it, everything will be okay.

So you need to be cool, calm, collected and cheery, drop her off and say goodbye and leave. She will learn you will come back and she will be fine when you’re gone.

If you pander to it, you’re showing her she has reason to be anxious and you’re just reinforcing it and it will continue.

OP, like others on this thread I work in Early Years, and at my setting we would take quite a different approach to the one most people on here are suggesting. I definitely agree that you need to leave, but initially it could be for a very short time - e.g. 15 minutes - and then come back. Can you take them into the garden and then say goodbye there? Repeat as often as you can (ideally everyday), gradually extending the time that they stay without you (the staff can guide you on when they feel the twins are ready to stay a little longer). We use the mantra "short and happy" if children are struggling to settle with us - in the vast majority of cases it works - it might seem long-winded and inconvenient but is a lot less stressful for everyone than leaving a very upset child for hours on end, meaning next time they are even more reluctant to go.

Agree with other posters, normal morning, no chocolate, cheery goodbye somewhere safe, hand over physically by picking up/ reins if necessary, “mummy and daddy will be back to pick you up later” and leave. We had parents in my son’s nursery who kept leaving and then coming back when they saw the son was upset and genuinely it made things about 1000 times worse, he just got worse and worse the more they came back and went again. If you are really that worried then give the nursery instructions that if they are not happy within an hour, the nursery should call you and then you will come and get them.

Keep trying this.

Remember they are going to have to start school in the not too distant future so you really need to get a handle on this now. They will cope.

@seaandsandcastles

She’s young enough that her anxiety can be fixed with parental help showing her that despite it, everything will be okay.

So you need to be cool, calm, collected and cheery, drop her off and say goodbye and leave. She will learn you will come back and she will be fine when you’re gone.

If you pander to it, you’re showing her she has reason to be anxious and you’re just reinforcing it and it will continue.

Exactly. At the moment your actions of taking them home, bribing them or trying to punish them are only reinforcing their feelings of anxiety.

She needs to know it's OK to be worried but that everything will be fine if you and her dad are not there. All the fuss about settling her in, taking her out, staying, not staying and not having consistency plus your anxiety have made it seem like nursery is somewhere she should be anxious about.

@pinkpip100

OP, like others on this thread I work in Early Years, and at my setting we would take quite a different approach to the one most people on here are suggesting. I definitely agree that you need to leave, but initially it could be for a very short time - e.g. 15 minutes - and then come back. Can you take them into the garden and then say goodbye there? Repeat as often as you can (ideally everyday), gradually extending the time that they stay without you (the staff can guide you on when they feel the twins are ready to stay a little longer). We use the mantra "short and happy" if children are struggling to settle with us - in the vast majority of cases it works - it might seem long-winded and inconvenient but is a lot less stressful for everyone than leaving a very upset child for hours on end, meaning next time they are even more reluctant to go.

Thank you - this is an approach we would be much more inclined to follow. Can I ask if you have handled any particularly high anxiety children in the past and how they have progressed?

@pinkpip100

OP, like others on this thread I work in Early Years, and at my setting we would take quite a different approach to the one most people on here are suggesting. I definitely agree that you need to leave, but initially it could be for a very short time - e.g. 15 minutes - and then come back. Can you take them into the garden and then say goodbye there? Repeat as often as you can (ideally everyday), gradually extending the time that they stay without you (the staff can guide you on when they feel the twins are ready to stay a little longer). We use the mantra "short and happy" if children are struggling to settle with us - in the vast majority of cases it works - it might seem long-winded and inconvenient but is a lot less stressful for everyone than leaving a very upset child for hours on end, meaning next time they are even more reluctant to go.

I'm really surprised at a nursery using this approach. For many parents this just wouldn't be possible due to work commitments, and for many children the small sessions would lead to confusion. You mention leaving an upset child for hours at a time, but this just hasn't been my experience at all. The only time i've known children who have been upset for prelonged periods of time is when they're coming down with an illness.

As a nursery nurse I agree a swift and firm goodbye and then left for a longer period than 30 minutes is the key and as there are 2 of them they have each other rather than not knowing anyone.

Whats not helped is the

• sneaking away
• bribes
• threats of taking away toys

You need a cool calm and repetitive style to this, stop trying all the ideas. Stick to one. For example leave it for this week then next week the day before go into town buy them a new bag and let them choose 1 small item that they can put in the bag to take with them. Explain you will take them to nursery they will play in the garden, they can eat a snack if they're hungry and that you will return at a stated time. Then repeat ad nauseum no threat/no promise/no cojuling/no conversation or bribing. Then on the morning explain you are going tell them the explanation again. Drop off cheerfully and leave. Then go home and have a coffee.

Repeat
Repeat
Repeat

Hi op, I was just wondering if you have tried giving them each a "special job" to do for you while they are there, for example "today can you both make a butterfly picture together/read XYZ story with - key worker name - " then you tell them they can show you when you come back at home time.

Also maybe get a calendar (loads of nice printables online) you can decorate together and it will show them what day and time they are going to nursery. I know they are little and might not understand days of the week - I have a toddler - but imho it seems to help?!

Do you think that's any help?

I don't think any of this sounds odd, i have seen a whole spectrum of degrees of separation anxiety.

Establishing it as a routine just like you did when they were babies (sleep, naps, meals etc) will make it just another aspect of their day.

And smile, because I swear little kids can smell fear!!