Naps at nursery when bf

[radioactiveimagination]

I’m just after a bit of nursery-related advice, if you’re bfeeding and not doing dummies how do you deal with naps at nursery? DS 9 mos was tired and tearful at his settle and they asked me if he has a comforter but he doesn’t - well, he does - me. I know, I have made a rod for my own back etc. etc. but I’m still feeding him to sleep for naps most of the time. Or he falls asleep in the car. Obviously neither possible at nursery. Would you try to introduce a comfort blanket or something to take with? If so, how?

I'm sure nursery hated me. Both DD and DS started nursery aged six months refusing to take a bottle (and only just starting to eat solids) and refusing to nap. Neither situation was planned (and with DS we tried even harder to avoid knowing what we'd done first time with DD hadn't worked). With both, tried to introduce occasional bottle of expressed milk from 2-3 months but they refused everything we tried (DH doing it, me leaving house, sippy cup, different teats). Both stopped regular naps from about 3 months, only falling asleep in daytime in the car or buggy or occasionally on one of us.

Their first week at nursery was hard for all of us, they drank almost nothing, ate almost nothing and hardly slept. Then came home and fed all evening and half the night. But eventually they realised that (a) if they didn't take a bottle they would go hungry, and (b) all the other children were napping so it was boring so they might as well nap too. Still didn't nap at home but napped at nursery until about 2.5.

So don't worry too much about the naps, they might not do it straight away, but very surprised if they don't fall into line soon enough - although won't necessarily mean they'll do the same at home.

I don’t feel like a failure, as I have said - you are the one with the objective prior to starting childcare and the implication that anyone who does not meet that has not adequately prepared their child

God this thread is depressing. Why can’t people just be helpful and not try to make a scared new Mum feel bad? That comment from Georgie at the start was absolutely horrible.

I am in the same situation and worrying about nursery too OP. My daughter is a very active baby and it’s been hard. I’m very proud to say I have breastfed her for 8 months so far and plan to continue. If we’re at home and not in the car/ out in the pram she feeds to sleep- because that’s what BF babies do and I haven’t woken her up after every feed to put her back to sleep again ‘drowsy but awake’. Also for teething breastfeeding has been a massive source of comfort to her. To be honest I’ve just been trying to get through each day!

Like your son OP my DD takes a bottle, and if she is with her Dad he can rock her to sleep. So I’m hoping it will all be okay. I’m going to introduce a comforter- a jelly cat bunny probably as she has a few just in case they go missing.

I think even if you don’t actively introduce a comforter, sending them in with a soft toy of some kind may give them the opportunity to take to something if they need it. And if they don’t then it doesn’t matter.

You can prepare, or not prepare, your child any way you like.

I know from experience that it is a much easier transition for the babies that can sleep in a cot, have a comforter they can take with them, drink from a bottle etc.

Childcare providers have no magic wands. Babies who cannot feed or sleep get distressed. Not all parents consider this in advance.

If you're happy with your arrangements, then why worry about my suggestions?

There's a difference between BF and BFing to sleep.

Personally OP I'd have tried to break the feed/sleep association before starting nursery. However what you have done isn't wrong. The nursery staff will get your lo to sleep.

Don't feel guilty about anything.

I am a cm bf babies do tend to be hardest to get to sleep as they tend to be the ones who use mum as a dummy.

You can take steps towards it . Put them down when they are asleep . Different babies like different things , some like there face stroked some like shhhhh noises , some are happy to be held without the boob , some like comforters with mum smells some simply don’t care.

Sometimes this is where dad can step in as they know he has no milk.

“If you're happy with your arrangements, then why worry about my suggestions?”

It’s not about me. Many will have considered these things but with the best will in the world their babies are not going to meet your standards for preparation at the required time. I would hate them to read this and feel like shit at what is an emotional and worrying time. You are adding to their worry.

You seem to be taking very personal offence to me saying what I did with my babies

It actually wasn’t personally with you, it was all the “you must make sure they can sleep on their own or they will be distressed” responses which just add pressure and deadlines which aren’t helpful and may not be possible for a particular baby. Yours just happened to be the one I quoted, I’m sorry. I think most parents are really trying to make the transition as easy as possible but babies don’t meet deadlines like that.

Agree 100% HerSymphonyAndSong

Worrying about nursery is hard enough, a lot of these comments have been so unnecessary.

I do think some people have not read my original post properly. What I said was I feed him to sleep most of the time. Not, ‘the only way he will sleep is by me feeding him.’ I know he goes to sleep on other family members but as I’m not there when that happens I’m obviously anxious about him sleeping without me at nursery on a regular basis. My original question related to whether I should introduce a comforter - so thanks to those who have responded with helpful advice on this. I do think other posters have been very quick to deliberately misunderstand my original post and make this into an argument about sleep training. That does make me sad that this happens on MN, as if parents, particularly mums are not criticised and made to feel guilty enough in other forms of media. I do feel that a lot of the comments along the lines of calling me irresponsible for not ‘preparing’ my DS for nursery have perhaps forgotten the reality of looking after a new baby, particularly a bfed one. I would genuinely love to know how you can teach a baby to fall asleep in a cot on his own without tears. I mean, it sounds great in theory...

Smoggle what makes you think that these parents haven't tried? Don't you think the vast majority have thought about this? Worried about this? Posted on MN for a reason? Felt guilt about having to leave their child with someone else without being able to leave their comfort behind?

It all sounds very much like you think some parents prepare, and some just don't. We're all trying our best, and all babies are different. Thought that was obvious.

Childcare staff can't teach a baby to fall asleep in a cot without tears either if they're not used to it, it's just a choice between parents doing it or strangers doing it.

Though ime it's gentler to just do these things from the outset (use comforters, sleep cues, feed on waking not to sleep, put down to sleep) than get the baby used to one thing and then suddenly change it at 9 or 12 months.

Nanny, genuinely I think some parents don't consider it or prepare, or truly believe childcare providers have a magic wand! I have had many conversations with parents along the lines of "I breastfeed to sleep/go for a drive/hold the baby for all naps - what will you do at childcare?"
You see the don't worry about it/nursery will sort it advice given often on MN - and of course generally they will, but it is usually stressful for all involved.

Many parents make the effort to prepare their child for the transition to childcare. Many are successful. Some try their best but get stuck: maybe they have nobody else to leave DC with on occasion, to get used to being without mum. Either way, the fact they’ve tried is commendable.

Some parents don’t make those preparations. It doesn’t help anyone to give the impression that their children are likely to settle as quickly or as easily as those of parents who’ve made a planned, positive contribution to the process.

As I said earlier, it’s about managing expectations so you can do the best from where you are now. That means accepting where you are now, in order to move on.

Smoggle I am glad you picked up on my comment because that is precisely why I made it. A home environment, Rees-Moggs excepted, is nothing like a nursery setting. What works in a nursery is completely impractical for anyone who wants to do anything other than childcare with their day. Also impossible if there is an older sibling in tow.

There are only 18 months between my older 2. It was practically impossible to put down the baby without constantly watching over them to keep them safe from the toddler. If I did put them in their cot to settle then if they cried the toddler insisted I go and sort them out. If they were content then the toddler found it almost impossible to resist the urge to go and wake them up. My DD2 was 8 before DD3 arrived. She was no more keen on leaving the baby to settle or on keeping to a quiet baby centred routine than her older sister had been.

All of them survived and though they had less sleep than most during the day they still sleep a lot longer at night than most now. It is telling that you think my DC's sleep patterns were unusual because they are in fact entirely the norm for DC not in childcare.

The bottom line is that babies and children away from their parents will become compliant to the setting and sleep more because they would rather save their energy for when their parents are around. Seems like a decent arrangement from my perspective. My DC saw very little of their Dad when they were wee because after a long day with them they were in bed most days when he came home. In contrast, I know lots of DC in childcare who stay up till almost bedtime with both parents.

I am not convinced the baby is any less stressed when home / parent is imposing a regime. In a nursery the staff are half way there at the start because the baby is already not in their preferred environment and looking for a way to get through the day until Mum and Dad take them home. They also generally have a much longer day than a baby not in childcare. That is why, as many have commented on this thread, babies adopt a routine for nursery days and then behave completely differently on the days they are home with their parents.

I think the notion "without crying" is misleading. It's impossible to settle a baby who is used to being BF to sleep, without BF and without some crying.

Sleep training involves some level of crying no matter how gentle you are. To me, a gentle grizzle while they settled was acceptable and necessary for my sanity and sleep when returning to work.

OP I know this wasn't the point of your post. I haven't used a comforter but my lo does have a teddy (different at each) grandparents house.

howabout - of course it's not impossible for babies to have naps if they have older siblings!
I don't think your routine is the norm to be honest, or at least not among the SAHMs I know.
More often than not babies/children nap less in nursery than at home.

@radioactiveimagination Ignore that Georgie person. There is always one nutter and frankly she sounds a bit crap at her job.

Nursery staff are pros! This is literally what they do. They have so much experience and skills at settling babies to sleep, way more than us mums just trying to figure it out on the fly.

Your baby will be fine at childcare. She will adapt. She will bond with her careers. I used to work in childcare- what we all had in common was that we loved babies and we had a lot of time for working out their quirks and what worked for them.

Still I was soooo worried when I returned to work as I feed my baby to sleep as well. His nanny gave him cuddles and pats and he was snoozing away before long. I still feed him to sleep now when I am home.

Good luck on your return to work! It's such an emotional time (for mums, babies less so!) so take care of yourself.

Your still her mum, no matter where you are

Dermymc that's not true. I used to be a childminder and never left a baby or child to cry or grizze. The only crying that ever happened was when a parent left in the first week, when I'd cuddle/ comfort and distract and it never lasted more than 2 minutes, or if a child hurt themselves - same thing. I was clear in my policies and on introductory meeting that I wouldn't leave a child to cry and worked with parents who didn't want "sleep training" involving crying. I started with 3 under 18 months and never left them to cry, ever.

blueskies - many babies will still cry a lot even if not left.

Smoggle I'm sure some babies will, but Dermymc said it's "impossible" to settle a baby who's used to being breastfed to sleep without crying, and this is blatantly completely untrue. It is by no means a blanket impossibility, and is often very much an achievable thing to do by walking them to sleep in a pram or buggy, cuddling them to sleep, following their signals instead of trying to impose a routine quickly etc.

Ive looked after a friend's young toddler in an unplanned emergency without much chance for any settling in or handover type period who was very difficult to console due to not liking to be cuddled (by anyone including her parents as it happened) so I know that there are babies and young children whom it is next to impossible for a comparative stranger to comfort, but aside from her all the babies and young toddlers as well as all my own children I minded could be comforted or distracted and there was no need for anyone to cry themselves to sleep!

• "I minded" strayed out of place in the last sentence and the word order should have been "all the babies and young toddlers I minded as well as my own children" obviously.

Well you all must be God like saints because every child I have ever looked after has had some kind of pre sleep cry. Not full on balling, but usually a grizzle even if being pushed or in a car.