Help - baby left crying hysterically for 15 minutes

[Bellseybub]

My 18 month old baby started nursery 6 wks ago part time. Its extremely difficult leaving her as she gets very upset. Having been told by the nursery that staying to settle her in for 5 - 10 minutes at the beginning of each class 'doesn't do her any favours', I have heavy heartedly had to hand her over to the nursery nurse after a few minutes who then comforts her. I find myself constantly searching for a nursery nurse that will give her a cuddle and sooth her upset and the one person who seemed capable of doing this left the nursery last week. I stay outside the class room to observe and normally she calms within 5 minutes - it's like a roller coaster of emotions. I hate it I hate it I hate it

Today I have come away from the nursery school deeply uncomfortable. My daughter was distraught this morning (more so than most), and the tears were rolling down her face. She does not cry like this at home and is such a sunny baby.
As usual, I was encouraged out the door and waited to see if my little girl was ok. I did feel like I was placing a burden on them by asking them to take her and comfort her as I left.

I don't think the nursery nurse realised I was still there as I waited outside. I was quite aghast that within minutes my very upset and crying hysterically little girl was put down on the mat and left wondering aimlessly crying her heart out on her own. The nursery nurse wasn't rushed off her feet but obviously decided calming a child isn't her priority. My heart as a mother says what kind of a person can leave such a young child so upset to fend for themselves. Thankfully another nurse came and wiped my daughters eyes and lifted her up which soothed her. I hoped this was just a one off.

However, Upon collecting my little girl an hour earlier, I was totally shocked to see her sitting with all the other children at the table - she was hysterical, shaking and in tears. It just isn't like her. I asked the teacher what happened and was quite taken aback (obviously my daughter was not going to be eating her lunch in this state and hadn't touched her food) and they said she hadn't been crying long. I asked how long and they said '15 minutes'. I was completely shocked as the teacher was sitting in a seat overlooking the children and clearly didn't once get up to calm my child or see if she was ok. 15 minutes is a long time. I presume she thinks it is 'self soothing' but I feel physically sick. She then told me she couldn't keep picking her up. I can understand that nursery nurses are busy, but am pretty horrified they left her in this state for 15 minutes and tried to put her at the diner table in this state when she was very obviously upset to the point that the whole class was quite subdued by it. I also thought in my heart of hearts that nursery care would be soothing and loving. Am I just naive or is this normal practice?

To make matters worse, she said to me 'maybe she is just feeling under the weather'. Well if she was, surely this is more reason to calm her down? I am having serious doubts about what to do and have left the headteacher a message to catch up. My husband thinks we should remove her (and I certainly can't let her suffer like she did today which I can see no positive impact of, other than damaging her long term). I am desperate to hear from other mothers on whether they have the same issues at their nurseries or if this is not normal. What can i do to remedy it? I am wondering if they are short staffed but its not an excuse. The nursery has a grade 2 from ofsted but I was horrified when doing more digging to find out it had a grade 4 in 2013 which is quite a serious matter. They have great classes but I just haven't been enamoured by the teachers in her class, and I thought at first I had picked a nursery with a real family environment. It really feels like a needle in a hay stack.

Furthermore the nursery tell me my daughter won't eat. She has a habit of waiting for me to collect her then eating at home. After today's episode it was obvious they make no effort to help her eat and leave her to her own devices. If she finds it a traumatic experience and they aren't doing anything to help her, how can it possibly be better? And what was the teacher doing sitting over all these children without any interaction to encourage them?

My heart says this isn't right, but my head says maybe this happens in most nurseries.. If it isn't normal, should I report it to ofsted? . I just don't know what to do and don't want to do long term damage by not addressing it. Any advice is much appreciated!!! From a very distressed mum

That doesn't happen in most nurseries. I agree with your DH that you should move her.

Oh this is so hard. I wouldn't be happy in your situation. I know that nurseries have limited time but this one does not sound like it focuses on the child. I would look round for other options - childminders maybe?

I don't understand if it's a private or school nursery (she's only 18 months so must be private? But reference to a headteacher?). Anyway I read the whole post and i feel for you - staff letting her cry that long and not comforting/cheering her at the start of the day is not okay. It's also not standard in my experience! Please move her somewhere else. There are better places.

Thanks for the advice - it is a private nursery in Fulham and the only one I could find that does half days... It's a bit of a trek but they do lots of extra curricular classes such as dance, music etc and days out. It all seemed so good until I started to Scratch the surface. The kids are lovely, but I just can't figure out why they would let a fairly new child be so distraught. They make me feel like my child is just needy. She is such a confident little girl who is quite hilarious, and yes she is a mummy's girl who wants to be with mummy a lot (as does mummy!). I'm just nervous that moving her will walk back in to the same situation and am not keen to get a nanny as it can't offer her the same social interaction and classes as a nursery. I thought I might be overreacting at first, but the more I go through today's episode, the more i think there are alarm bells going off in my head...

That's awful. My DD was 2.3 when she started nursery school & cried a lot at first when we left her. However the staff were lovely, they held her & comforted her & encouraged other kids in the group to interact with her, & after a few months she started talking at nursery ( she spoke very well at home). We knew then that she was completely settled. DD is now one of the children who helps the younger ones to settle in - just by example really, by playing & having fun, to show them that it's not so bad being there. It wouldn't work though, if they were just left to cry.

I would definitely move her. Your poor DD. My DD can remain upset for hours, and gets worse the longer she's left. "Self soothing" doesn't work with all children & it's very cruel & unprofessional of them to behave like that. Aside from anything this would be very disrupting of the mealtime of all the others.

I'm also keen to know what the 'school of thought' is with training nursery nurses. Are they telling them to make the children self sooth? Surely they should discuss this with me if that is their approach as I am not a fan at all of self soothing.. But is it too much to expect them to comfort my child with hugs to calm her down?

What about a child minder? That has a few kids with her?

I wouldn't be happy with that at all.

Trust your instincts. I would be very upset by this and would want to move my child. At 18mo children don't really need social development and classes, they need secure attachments to a dedicated and consistent care-giver which is definitely not happening in this situation. If a nanny is an option I would go for it - a nanny would be able to take your child to toddler activities, but (if you get the right person) she'd have a stable rock who she felt secure with at all times.

Classes and days out are no use for a baby. Move her. At my kids nursery I see some wee ones having a wee cry sometimes (not for long). I think to myself that it's no worse than mine do at home. 15 mins though!

The thing with self soothing that is often misrepresented is that you have to teach them how to do it!

You walk them step by step through the things that help them calm and then you teach them to do it themselves.
You don't just ignore them and expect them to figure it out

My nursery cuddles or distracts the wee ones. That is normal

Thank you all. Your support has been great. A childminder may be an option but I like the idea that at nursery, staff are generally supervised as you just don't know the background of who is looking after your child... Or does that sound stupid? Gosh I'm having a real heart on my sleeve night tonight!!

Our dd's nursery was fabulous, Our dd loved it and was so happy when we collected her she ran around the playground not wanting to leave.

In your shoes I would move her and I would report but you may want to talk to the person in charge first.

Re they do lots of extra curricular classes such as dance, music etc and days out. As someone else said, babies do not need this. They need consistent care and some stimulation, rest and food.

Well the staff may be supervised at this nursery but neither they, or the ones doing the supervising, are doing a good job if they are leaving an 18-month old to cry hysterically for 15 mins without attempting to soothe her, are they? I also think that any 18 month old needs loving care, warmth, food and some appropriate toys to play with far more than they need classes and music and days out. Is it possible that your dd is actually exhausted from the whole nursery experience? You said it's a trek to get there for half-days and while there, she may just be overwhelmed by all the noise and activities.

I'd remove your child straight away.

DS has been at nursery since he was ten months. Nursery was always happy for me to stay as long as I wanted to settle him gently; I was able to peep in on my way in and out through the windows and I've never seen a child left to be unhappy there. Staff were always comforting any child who was unhappy, and he still has strong attachments to his key worker from two years ago. His last key worker he had for a year and a half, and is so excited when she babysits for us that he basically pushes us out of the door.

Yours sounds utterly dreadful. If you don't need the childcare, I wouldn't send her back at all.

Thanks stilly expected et al... Food point. I'm just desperate for a serene Mary poppins. My little one adores music - in fact she would do anything just to dance! That was one of the reasons I liked the music classes as she has enjoyed them
So much with me out of nursery... But now you have all given me something serious to think about and start to question whether she is maybe a bit young for nursery or whether a childminder or nanny may actually be a better option... Have people's experience of the latter been more positive?

I just feel so sad that my little daughter was so sad... And there have been several times where her eyes have looked puffy but they have said she wasn't crying. I'm starting to question this now. She goes so quiet before we go in to the nursery and crys when I collect her, and is very quiet afterwards. Yes I think It is also wearing her out, but it's the lack of loving care that is the biggest problem ..

If you can afford a nanny then why don't you consider that? Your child can be cared for in her own home and with one to one care. A good nanny will still ensure your child can socialise by taking to toddler groups, the library, the park.
Your nursery sounds miserable. I was a nursery nurse and would never have just left a child to cry. We had a child who literally spent the whole day crying quietly, we simply took it in turns to at least be near him and talking to him - he was 2 and mum had no other option than nursery.

Do you need to send her anywhere at the moment? If you don't have to for work, then I'd take her out and have her at home with you. Otherwise, definitely move nurseries. They should be consoling a little one who's only 18 months, bless her.

Poor you and DD. I have worked in a few nurseries and a crying child would always be cuddled and comforted. I am now a nanny and have a baby of my own. I would look for a new childcare provider in your situation.

Most nursery staff are lovely, caring people with a real interest in providing excellent childcare. I also came across a few who were nasty bullies to both staff and children, they were not dealt with effectively by supervisors and I eventually left in disgust and suffering from stress. Personally I would prefer to use a nanny or childminder who I know will always be the one caring for my child and who I and my child can get to know and form a relationship with. Arriving early for pick ups is a good way to check what is happening if you are worried.

Nannies can provide social interaction and classes by taking your child on outings and to activities, and if your child is struggling with a group setting they may benefit from the one-to-one which will give them greater confidence in social settings as they grow up.

I think training of nursery nurses depends a great deal on who has trained them. I did my HNC 12 years ago with a fantastic mentor who really understood children and their emotions. I think attachment theory is taught as standard in Child Development. Actually applying that theory may not come naturally to all practioners and there are sadly many who are of the 'they need to toughen up', 'cry it out', 'making a rod for your own back' school of thought.

Hi op that sounds awful. I wouldn't want my dd there.

Wow guys you have all been superstars with your words of wisdom... I'm beginning to feel bad that i actually sent her to nursery.. Maybe it was the wrong decision . I need some form of part time care as I have a lot of admin from home work but have been blessed with not having to go back to work full time 5 days a week.

I'm very in to attachment parenting and never thought I'd be this way until my little one arrived but with her it is the only way I would want to be . Living in london I had thought that it was a little different to in that many of the nursery nurses at our nursery are in their early twenties (or don't speak great English)where it tends to be quite an underpaid job in comparison to london living (despite sky high nursery fees!) and I get the impression most of the staff are there because it's a job rather than a passion for kids... But maybe I am just being a bit hard on them? I only want the absolute best for my daughter and just want her to be happy and developed well xx

Oh bellsey poor you and your little dd

I worked in creches (nursery) and I've been a childminder.

I can remember a little girl who was 18 months when she started with us. She cried all day.
However she was never left by herself to just "cry it out"

Yes there were times when she unfortunately wandered around the room sobbing to herself not hysterically but visibly upset. This would usually happen at lunchtime when we were rushing around getting the tables ready for all the children to sit at.
However i spoke with this littles girls Mammy every day and explained how her dd was upset all day and we were doing everything to soothe her and settle her in.
She did eventually settle in and was a lovely funny happy girl

Oh god when I think back I feel upset for these poor little ones but we genuinely did everything to care for them and help them.

Personally I wouldn't send my child back, you have a gut instinct and obviously have witnessed things you are not happy with. I would make an appointment with the head and go from there.

For you and your dd

Sadly I have met many childcarers who see it as just a job, and several students on work placement in nurseries who had been pushed down that route by career advisors who thought it an easy option. But there are lots of fantastic practioners out there who do have a real passion for children. Not all of them are qualified either, the only person I trust to look after my baby DD (other than DH) is a friend who is a very experienced, but unqualified nanny.

Don't feel guilty about having sent her to nursery, you researched thoroughly and thought you were doing a good thing for her. Some children just don't take well to such a busy environment at such a young age and as you have other options it is worth considering them. Just follow your instincts and try again.

Another one saying poor both of you. If you can afford a nanny please do go down that road.

My 16 month old daughter started nursery 6 weeks ago, having been very attached to me, particularly as she has been unwell and I delayed returning to work - she has been 'handed around' much less than my older children by that age. There have been tears but I'm confident she is never left to cry, she has formed an attachment to her key worker and comes home smelling of her perfume from being cuddled. She is now going in happily in the morning, stretching out her arms for a hug, and when we collect her she is happily playing. With an eye to the future I think the lovely facilities, garden, forest school etc will be fantastic when she's a preschooler, but all that matters now is that staff are warm and caring and that she can feel secure. I've often felt that older staff is a benefit, both because they are experienced and may have had children of their own, but also those that stick it out are there because they love working with children.
I would not be happy at all with the situation you describe, I'd pull her out and try again. If you can afford a nanny that sounds ideal - there is no reason a nanny can't take her to playgroups/classes if you want interaction with other children.