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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Help - baby left crying hysterically for 15 minutes

79 replies

Bellseybub · 19/10/2015 23:17

My 18 month old baby started nursery 6 wks ago part time. Its extremely difficult leaving her as she gets very upset. Having been told by the nursery that staying to settle her in for 5 - 10 minutes at the beginning of each class 'doesn't do her any favours', I have heavy heartedly had to hand her over to the nursery nurse after a few minutes who then comforts her. I find myself constantly searching for a nursery nurse that will give her a cuddle and sooth her upset and the one person who seemed capable of doing this left the nursery last week. I stay outside the class room to observe and normally she calms within 5 minutes - it's like a roller coaster of emotions. I hate it I hate it I hate it

Today I have come away from the nursery school deeply uncomfortable. My daughter was distraught this morning (more so than most), and the tears were rolling down her face. She does not cry like this at home and is such a sunny baby.
As usual, I was encouraged out the door and waited to see if my little girl was ok. I did feel like I was placing a burden on them by asking them to take her and comfort her as I left.

I don't think the nursery nurse realised I was still there as I waited outside. I was quite aghast that within minutes my very upset and crying hysterically little girl was put down on the mat and left wondering aimlessly crying her heart out on her own. The nursery nurse wasn't rushed off her feet but obviously decided calming a child isn't her priority. My heart as a mother says what kind of a person can leave such a young child so upset to fend for themselves. Thankfully another nurse came and wiped my daughters eyes and lifted her up which soothed her. I hoped this was just a one off.

However, Upon collecting my little girl an hour earlier, I was totally shocked to see her sitting with all the other children at the table - she was hysterical, shaking and in tears. It just isn't like her. I asked the teacher what happened and was quite taken aback (obviously my daughter was not going to be eating her lunch in this state and hadn't touched her food) and they said she hadn't been crying long. I asked how long and they said '15 minutes'. I was completely shocked as the teacher was sitting in a seat overlooking the children and clearly didn't once get up to calm my child or see if she was ok. 15 minutes is a long time. I presume she thinks it is 'self soothing' but I feel physically sick. She then told me she couldn't keep picking her up. I can understand that nursery nurses are busy, but am pretty horrified they left her in this state for 15 minutes and tried to put her at the diner table in this state when she was very obviously upset to the point that the whole class was quite subdued by it. I also thought in my heart of hearts that nursery care would be soothing and loving. Am I just naive or is this normal practice?

To make matters worse, she said to me 'maybe she is just feeling under the weather'. Well if she was, surely this is more reason to calm her down? I am having serious doubts about what to do and have left the headteacher a message to catch up. My husband thinks we should remove her (and I certainly can't let her suffer like she did today which I can see no positive impact of, other than damaging her long term). I am desperate to hear from other mothers on whether they have the same issues at their nurseries or if this is not normal. What can i do to remedy it? I am wondering if they are short staffed but its not an excuse. The nursery has a grade 2 from ofsted but I was horrified when doing more digging to find out it had a grade 4 in 2013 which is quite a serious matter. They have great classes but I just haven't been enamoured by the teachers in her class, and I thought at first I had picked a nursery with a real family environment. It really feels like a needle in a hay stack.

Furthermore the nursery tell me my daughter won't eat. She has a habit of waiting for me to collect her then eating at home. After today's episode it was obvious they make no effort to help her eat and leave her to her own devices. If she finds it a traumatic experience and they aren't doing anything to help her, how can it possibly be better? And what was the teacher doing sitting over all these children without any interaction to encourage them?

My heart says this isn't right, but my head says maybe this happens in most nurseries.. If it isn't normal, should I report it to ofsted? . I just don't know what to do and don't want to do long term damage by not addressing it. Any advice is much appreciated!!! From a very distressed mum

OP posts:

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Liveinthepresent · 20/10/2015 14:35

Bellseybub that is truly awful. No way is that normal!
I am so sorry you are having such a bad time with them. Have you actually given notice you are removing her ?
I definitely wouldn't take her back if I were you. Can you manage if you did that re childcare and finances ?
Awful I can't believe these places can get away with this.. Honestly my DD is 4 and is in reception now - even there they get cuddles when upset !
Almost think you should name anc Shane this nursery!

longdiling · 20/10/2015 14:39

Nope, it's definitely not right OP. One of the first questions I asked when my PFB went to nursery was 'will she be cuddled if she gets upset?'. They were surprised I even needed to ask and she had plenty of cuddles. I'm a childminder now and couldn't ever bring myself to ignore a crying baby. 'It's not fair on the other children' is an absolutely ridiculous statement and shows they are completely incapable of doing their jobs properly. Move her OP. And definitely look at Childminders - you will have a lot more control over the kind of person who will be looking after your child than you would get with a nursery.

BasicBanana · 20/10/2015 14:44

Awful, awful, awful. I wouldn't send my child back- try again with a cm or different nursery as most aren't like this.

mintbiscuit · 20/10/2015 14:49

I would be putting a complaint in writing to the nursery and asking them for a written response. If you are not happy I would be reporting this to Ofsted. I am disgusted with that response.

Obs2015 · 20/10/2015 14:55

Not fair on the other children? Oh purlease!!
And no, you ARE right about this.
The mind boggles!!

Trooperslane · 20/10/2015 15:16

Mintbiscuit has it but I'd be reporting to Ofsted anyway.

She's a baby - babies need cuddles and comforted and that answer is total bollocks.

I'd move her instantly - TOTALLY unacceptable.

DD's nursery would never, ever allow this and I've seen a few kids (one wee boy in particular) who've really struggled to settle. Every time I've seen him upset, someone is cuddling him and trying to distract him.

In fact, half the room (the kids!) are also trying to cuddle him! That woman you spoke to is insane to think this is a good way to run a business like this.

CityDweller · 20/10/2015 16:04

Just remove her. Stop wasting time and energy trying to understand why they have the approach they do and instead spend it on finding a better setting. It sounds an awful nursery.

I'd highly recommend a childminder in your situation. Ours has been wonderful - DD started with her when she was a year old. She's always ready with cuddles and affection if DD is having an off-day and is very sensitive to her needs. I couldn't have asked for more.

CityDweller · 20/10/2015 16:05

Oh, and I'd just suck up the lost fees. I.e remove her now, even if you have to pay for the notice period.

systemusername · 20/10/2015 17:16

My children are at SECONDARY school and get a hug from form teacher/pastoral/senco if upset never mind a nursery child.

Millionprammiles · 20/10/2015 18:14

You need to change nursery, this sounds absolutely nothing like dd's nursery.
Contrary to what you may hear from others, nursery staff are as capable of being caring, kind, warm etc as CMs or nannies.
And unfortunately neither a CM nor a nanny are any more of a guarantee of quality care than a nursery. (Though a nanny is far more convenient).

Whilst nursery staff 's actions are witnessed by their peers, managers, room leaders etc., CMs and nannies actions may be witnessed by only your child. I never felt comfortable with that.

Pick what suits your child though, a sociable, extrovert child may thrive in a nursery. A quieter, more sensitive child might better suit a nanny or CM.

Do change nursery though, the staff at dd's nursery are visibly warm and attentive and the kids demonstrably adore the staff. That's how it should and can, be.

Georgethesecond · 20/10/2015 18:22

My boys went to nursery and it was excellent, I am so happy they did. I think nurseries can be great. But I saw some grim ones before I found the one I used (which was phenomenally expensive). And I don't like the sound of this one at all.

Princerocks · 20/10/2015 18:28

What an awful attitude. It's human nature to want to pick up and comfort a crying 18 month old child no matter how much nursery training you have had or not had. I think you are doing the right thing in moving her. It sounds like they almost have a 'no comfort' policy which has got to be very unusual when working with babies.

Phineyj · 20/10/2015 18:40

I am surprised to hear so many nurseries offer half days. Round here, they don't, so I would assume if one did they were not full and trying to boost demand. The profit margins are generally so narrow! Anyway, OP, your one doesn't sound like the staff have the right attitude at all, but maybe look at some others and CM to get an idea of what would be better. If you are flexible about days/hours etc you are in a good position and don't have to rush into anything.

Phineyj · 20/10/2015 18:42

Staff at DD's nursery are warm, friendly, caring - it is great and the social aspect is good. They make a big effort with getting the DC to play sociably and all of them rush to comfort anyone upset (DC rush as well as staff).

BondJayneBond · 20/10/2015 21:07

I've just read your latest update. Their attitude is absolutely appalling. Not comforting a distressed child because it's not fair on the other children? Nonsense.

The problem is not that your child is too young for nursery. The problem is that that nursery is awful. The staff at the nursery we used for my DC - the nursery DS2 still attends - are warm and caring and friendly, and I've never seen any of them leave a distressed child to cry.

If I was in this position I'd be removing my DC from a nursery like the one you describe as soon as possible.

Trooperslane · 20/10/2015 21:16

All of the nursery school round here offer half days.

Groovee · 20/10/2015 21:25

As someone who has been a nursery nurse for 20 years, I am horrified.

Settling a child at nursery is hard work but it's part of what we have to do. Some children do scream, others are fine but start crying as soon as mum or dad was in.

I kept waking with a baby crying and realised it was the child at work who was having trouble settling. We went back to settling stage and she soon settled over a longer time.

I'd say if you aren't happy after speaking them then you need to do what is right for you and your child.

I hope you find the solution for you soon x

Diggum · 20/10/2015 21:32

OP that's terrible! Your poor little DD. Oh it just makes me want to go and give mine a cuddle. I'm totally with you on the unexpected attachment parenting- that's what felt natural to me too.

I've a CM for my 18 mo DD and the one-on-one care is just wonderful. Crucially CM is also incredibly gentle and kind- I knew it as soon as I met her. I didn't give a shite whether DD was going to be learning while with her (although she has turned out great for drawing/reading stories/singing with DD), I just wanted her to be cuddled if she was sad.

It's so so worth it if you can manage it.

GColdtimer · 20/10/2015 21:57

Just dreadful. I would be moving her and would tell them you are not prepared to pay their cancellation fees because they haven't provided appropriate care. Not all nurseries are like this.

Cirsium · 20/10/2015 23:38

That is awful. RabbitSaysWoof mentioned I thread about it being very difficult nanny ing with parents in the house. I have had a few jobs where the parent's worked from home and have found as long as ground rules about whose in charge, whether a parent can be disturbed, where the child is allowed to go, etc are discussed and stuck to it can work well. As a parent you also need to be aware that there will be normal noise levels of children playing and decide whether you can work with that.

The dad (and sometimes the mum) of the children I currently nanny for works from home They don't get involved when I am with the children, other than to say hello when they come in from school, back me up in discipline if they happen to be in the room when a situation arises, or give a quick cuddle if someone is very upset about something. They do help out with school runs if the weather is awful and offer cups of tea/snacks if they are getting themselves something. I am very confident as a sole charge nanny, but mostly quite like the fact they are about.

Obs2015 · 21/10/2015 05:28

And no to the cancellation fees and make sure you get any deposit back. Insist, because they failed in their duty of care.

greatbigwho · 21/10/2015 05:50

My 20m old daughter had a bit of a struggle settling and I remember I picked her up after lunch to find her snuggled in the reading corner with one of the reception staff. She'd not wanted to eat her lunch and the room staff couldn't sit and comfort her as they had to organise lunch for the others…so they found someone who could comfort her. I am so sorry that she's been left like that. I would second the idea of a childminder and also putting in a complaint.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 21/10/2015 06:20

I would definitely move her.

We chose a childminder because you get to choose a specific person. Yes you do have to find someone you trust because they are not 'supervised', but I would rather trust one person I have carefully chosen than a parade of people employed by the Nursery. I also live in London and as Nursery Nurses are relatively low paid there can be quite a turnover, so the carers you meet when you sign up May be replaced.

For a young toddler the relationships they have with those caring for them are far more important than classes and outings- they will learn more from a familiar, trusted, interested adult who responds to them and encourages them than a schedule of classes.

And my childminder does do music and dancing with her children!

Singsongsungagain · 21/10/2015 06:30

My dd2 is 14 months and during her settling in phase at nursery she had one to one attention. She was carried constantly for the first week or two because that's what she needed to be able to feel reassured. Your nursery sounds utterly appalling and personally I wouldn't return. Not all nurseries are the same.

Rinceoir · 21/10/2015 06:55

Agree with everyone else. When my DD was settling in nursery she came home smelling like her networker, took all her naps lying on her even. She's now 18months and runs off in the mornings shouting bye!

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