How to deal with the shame of not working

[catphone]

I am autistic with hyper mobility and an auditory processing disorder and likely have CPTSD. I get stress induced migraines, stomach issues that cause me to faint and inflammation. My periods are extremely painful. I also get emotionally dysregulated regularly. My sleep is terrible and I am prone to burn out. I can usually just about manage the basics but anything more than that and I start to malfunction and my autistic symptoms become more pronounced. I need to live a very simple life with next to no stress (which isn’t realistic). This year I want to focus on my mental wellbeing. I don’t know if I’ve just been through too much in life to ever work.
I volunteer online but even that is too much. If I had any sort of job I would burn out.
I know that everyone has problems but I don’t know how I could work. I feel ashamed that I can’t. I don’t know if I’m making excuses because others seem to manage somehow.
I’ve had judgement from well meaning neighbours who are otherwise very nice that I don’t work and how I must have a lot of spare time. Another person (unrelated) said my whole life is spare time.He had a suspected heart attack the other month, collapsed, and it turned out to be something else but he was still back to work shortly after spending days in hospital. I see what he’s saying but he doesn’t know that my life is a bit like living with an illness most of the time. I’m not sure how realistic this is but I’m worried I will have to work at some point because of the unsustainable rise in autism cases and they might make it impossible to claim for if most people have it. I have terrible anxiety about this in particular it feels like it’s just a matter of time and I feel a sense of doom

I was going to go through the comments tonight and take notes but it’ll have to be at about lunch time. I’m too tired now and it took a while to calm down

@catphone, there's no pressure. These threads stay up a good while😉 And honestly the harshness on here is difficult to take, I think many know what it's like to be on the receiving end. Not very nice..

It's a balance all this. You have to focus on why you (currently) cannot work in order to receive the correct benefits and assistance. To give you time to heal. Yet, in order to improve and heal from your health conditions and look to the future it involves looking at your abilities and developing them so that you can hope to overcome (some of) your challenges.

@theyvegotit inevitably, if the op wants to overcome her health issues she needs to build on her personal fitness, health and well-being. Would you rather have her stay stuck where she is? So that you can be doubly certain that she cannot work nor can never work?

Nevertheless, there are people in OP's life in an official capacity helping her (mentioned on this thread) so that it is all 'above board'.

So why the concern? If you want to see people like the op less reliant on the welfare state you need to encourage them in developing their abilities and the things which can help healing not use these abilities as a stick to beat them with. If the op could wave a magic wand and heal the things which prevent her from working and also doing some of the things she enjoys I am sure she would. However, things can be a bit more complicated to unpick than that. Shaming and berating people for having health challenges in the first place or not healing quickly enough only serves to set people back further as they have to mentally process and recover from that before they can look more positively into the future with any great clarity.

@XChrome I'm planning on nothing, I'm just reading the posts evidencing the discrepancies. Sad to think that genuine people are being taken in.

@AlwaysGinPlease, it is against MN rules to attempt 'troll hunting'. I don't need protection from posting support on here. Well, not from self appointed 'troll hunters' at least. I tend to set my own screen time limits but my family soon start complaining if I am spending too much time on here!

Hey OP, not read the huge amount of responses, and after reading some of them, I won't bother. 😉. I have 2 adult children who did work, and burnt themselves out horrifically. They're currently unable to work and that's fine. I'd rather they became mentally healthy. 2 others are working and doing very well. All 4 are neurodivergent.

In an ideal world, it would be wonderful if you were able to do fulfilling, paid work, but we're not in an ideal world, are we. You deal with your reality, as there is NO shame in not working in your circumstances. I'm auDHD and work full time, because I can, and I'm very happy for the taxes I pay to go towards giving people like you the opportunity to have benefits to live on. What you do with your life is no one else's business.

If my taxes go towards it then yea I have every right to have an opinion on it

To you it may not but if I’m paying towards them I will have an opinion on it and I will share it Ben if you don’t like it

@Bachboo, it must be awful to live with your mindset. So much opportunity for anger and resentment!

I mean you would hate me.

I am educated to degree level and undertook my degree at a time when students received a grant.

I had a child diagnosed with complex and severe special educational needs and so didn't work as I spent my time supporting them and advocating for them to ensure they received the education they were entitled to and to improve their chances in life (now at university in their final year).

In the midst of all this I got cancer and received thousands and thousands of pounds of treatment from the NHS. Still don't work (don't receive benefits my husband supports me) and spend a large proportion of my time exercising (running everyday and walking plus strength and conditioning exercises).

So in some ways I have cost more money than I put in. However I like to think I have contributed to society in other ways. I could have cost more if I still was ill and my DC could have had to receive support for the rest of their life...

How dare you say I must be awful to live with because I dare to have an opinion that’s different to your own. You don’t know me. My husband, child family and friends like me very much. It was quite clear in my post that yes some people would of course need to be supported and that should continue but you obviously chose not to pay any attention to that part. I really don’t know why you are bringing in your treatment from the NHS as this is something entirely different so your argument really does not make sense. However I do hope you have recovered from your cancer

If you think your taxes should not be going towards people like OP (and unless you earn more than £40k, you are also taking more than you put in), then take it up with the government and the DWP. Taking it out on the people at the very bottom is hideous, especially considering they are claiming benefits due to disability.
If OP is found fit for work, you wont be getting a refund on your taxes. Stop acting like she owes you an explanation. The only people she has to explain things to is the DWP and the professionals involved in her care.

I am snowed in. I plan on going through the comments with some tea and then attempting to make sultana scones.

@Bachboo I'm sorry I don't know you do I? But that reflection of mine was true to how your posts were coming across to me. It's a lesson to all of us regarding criticising others on here. Thanks, for your well wishes.

@catphone sounds like a good plan for the day!!😊 I bet your scones will be delicious!😋 Our snow has melted. I expect it looks very pretty where you are.

@Bachboo oh and for clarity I didn't say you must be awful to live with, I said it must be awful to live with the mindset you appeared to be displaying in your post. Because those thoughts are not nice to carry around.

It’s actually not awful at all. The burden of the social care and benefits is unsustainable on the taxpayer and country which means those who are really in need do not get what they need because there is not enough to go around.

yeah that doesn't happen and I don't know where you've got that from or how you've decided that I don't deserve disability payment

The burden of the social care and benefits is unsustainable on the taxpayer and country which means those who are really in need do not get what they need because there is not enough to go around.

@Bachboo, which is why people have to go through a rigorous assessment process and which is why the government is continually reviewing the Welfare State system. Only time will tell how successful our current government will be.

Meanwhile berating disabled people for being disabled I am sure is not the answer. Furthermore it can actually be part of the problem with regards to harming their mental health and self image.

I actually didn’t say that at all. If you read my post I said those who were in need should be helped. However is pointless to pretend that the country or the taxpayer can continue on this trajectoryl as there simply isn’t enough resources to go around . This means that the ones who most need it most can’t get their fair share of it. It is also pointless to pretend that all those who are in receipt of support (and I am not pointing the finger at the op) should be getting it.

I never said that you weren’t deserving it.

Please focus on the positive comments op. We’re here too. ❤️

I think you are projecting on your own experience with your child a bit here as i’m not berating the OP at all. She used to run a business so she is a very capable person. Why is that an insult to be capable?

I actually didn’t say that at all. If you read my post I said those who were in need should be helped. However is pointless to pretend that the country or the taxpayer can continue on this trajectoryl as there simply isn’t enough resources to go around . This means that the ones who most need it most can’t get their fair share of it. It is also pointless to pretend that all those who are in receipt of support (and I am not pointing the finger at the op) should be getting it.

@Bachboo, maybe if people with health issues were encouraged and supported to get well instead of berated and accused of benefit fraud in the presence of any degree of recovery / ability then defensiveness (in order to justify any support) regarding the challenges present would not become so magnified. And following on from that magnification of challenges a sense of hopelessness and worse mental health.

Hi all. We're dropping in following several deletions with a reminder of the purpose of this section of the boards - to provide support, understanding, and constructive advice for neurodiverse individuals and those facing challenges related to their health and well-being. It's clear that the OP has shared a deeply personal account of their struggles and is seeking guidance, not judgement.
Posts suggesting that disabled individuals should not receive the help and support they need to live a full life are not only unhelpful but also ableist and therefore break our Talk guidelines. This is true across Talk but is especially important on this board, which is intended to be a supportive environment.

We understand that discussions about these topics can evoke strong opinions, but we expect all posters to engage respectfully and compassionately. OP, we wish you good luck and hope your thread has been useful.

Why is that an insult to be capable?

@Bachboo, it is not. So why don't you use that thought to encourage rather than berate.

You have read nothing what I have said and I haven’t been berating the op. I merely suggested that there may be some things they could do. I actually have a very close family member who needs to be in a specialist schooling environment but can’t get a placement due to lack of funding. This child can not go to mainstream schooling because there is no funding available which in my opinion is a crime. So what do you do with these children and young adults because there is not funding? They are not getting what they should in terms of funding for their education which all children legally should be receiving. My point is there is not enough to go around and unfortunately hard decisions have to be made whether you like it or not.

I'm still taking notes from the comments but I'm on page 3 and am having a break now.
I made crafts from out of my house where I used to live when I didn't have as many responsibilities and had more help. Even then I couldn't do it everyday. I had help not to burn myself with the pans if I made candles, I didn't do that by myself, I didn't do the pouring. I've set the kitchen on fire because I can't concentrate. I'm better at not burning myself and paying attention now when I cook because my new cooker tells me when it's burning. I made all other crafts alongside someone else as well. I didn't do it enough to earn more than what was essentially a bit of pocket money and I certainly didn't make back the time I spent.
It wasn't registered, I sold them from out of an honest box, and in the end, whatever I'd made got stolen every time which was really disheartening. I don't understand any of all that stuff to do with businesses and find it really overwhelming.
I don't think there is anything I can do just now I'm working on myself