How to deal with the shame of not working

[catphone]

I am autistic with hyper mobility and an auditory processing disorder and likely have CPTSD. I get stress induced migraines, stomach issues that cause me to faint and inflammation. My periods are extremely painful. I also get emotionally dysregulated regularly. My sleep is terrible and I am prone to burn out. I can usually just about manage the basics but anything more than that and I start to malfunction and my autistic symptoms become more pronounced. I need to live a very simple life with next to no stress (which isn’t realistic). This year I want to focus on my mental wellbeing. I don’t know if I’ve just been through too much in life to ever work.
I volunteer online but even that is too much. If I had any sort of job I would burn out.
I know that everyone has problems but I don’t know how I could work. I feel ashamed that I can’t. I don’t know if I’m making excuses because others seem to manage somehow.
I’ve had judgement from well meaning neighbours who are otherwise very nice that I don’t work and how I must have a lot of spare time. Another person (unrelated) said my whole life is spare time.He had a suspected heart attack the other month, collapsed, and it turned out to be something else but he was still back to work shortly after spending days in hospital. I see what he’s saying but he doesn’t know that my life is a bit like living with an illness most of the time. I’m not sure how realistic this is but I’m worried I will have to work at some point because of the unsustainable rise in autism cases and they might make it impossible to claim for if most people have it. I have terrible anxiety about this in particular it feels like it’s just a matter of time and I feel a sense of doom

Autism alone is not a reason to be unemployed. The increase in autism diagnoses has no relevance to your personal ability to work.

Every person is different. I find it much easier to manage my autism and disability while employed despite the stress of employment, because money means I can acquire the good and services I need to make my life run more smoothly.

if you truly can’t work, then you can’t work. You shouldn’t fear work on principle though. If you want more financial independence you should focus on finding work that is compatible with your status. It is harder, but sometimes it is just a matter of finding the right job.

that can be a long term goal if it seems achievable. If not, then just focus on staying as healthy and as regulated as possible, just as you are.

Why do you want to write yourself off as incapable of anything @catphone?

You're talking of "work" as one homogenous thing - it's not. Have you always been afraid of "work"?

What was your attendance like at school?

‘Most’ people will not be found to be autistic. I think you’re spiralling and your anxiety is running away with you. More people are becoming aware that they may be autistic but that’s not the same as most people being autistic, nor does it translate to more burden on the benefits system. We already exist. I’m autistic and I don’t claim benefits, and there are many others like me.

I’ve never heard of someone with autism not suffering with severe anxiety/some kind of co-morbid condition, usually multiple. I forgot to mention that I also have misophonia. The symptoms I experience are really common, I don’t know how others with autism manage to work since stress makes symptoms more pronounced.
I feel a sense of impending doom that the autistic community is becoming the majority and I don’t know how/if it can be supported if most of us don’t work.
If I had a job I would want it to be in nature or with animals. But at the same time I’m extremely sensitive to smells. I thought I might start a craft hobby and sell things, but there are days my fingers feel too sensitive to touch anything.
It is one of my long term goals but right now I need to focus on my wellbeing. At the same time I don’t know how I could work ever.
life stresses me out so much I’m not sure if I can cope with it and working. How do you do it?

My attendance at school was really bad and then I stopped going all together. I feel ashamed of that too, but I have a tutor now

@catphone you state that if you had a job you would burnout.

Have you had jobs previously? If so what were they and what about them did you find most stressful?

What interests you and are you good at? Have you looked at any possible freelance/home based/very part time solutions?

What strategies have you put in place to manage your symptoms? Do you receive any counselling or ongoing mental health support? Are you on any medications or treatments for your physical symptoms like the migraines, insomnia and period pains? If not, is that because treatments are not available/have not worked or because you haven't explored them?

How are you financially supported OP?

I don’t know how others with autism manage to work since stress makes symptoms more pronounced.

I work because I need money to live on. It fucks my health up, but living on the streets would fuck my health up more.

universal credit and disability payment. I just feel so much shame

I work with lots of people with Autism, but I work in the IT/cybersecurity sector which does tend to attract introverted and neurodiverse people.

this is outing but I used to have a small business from out of my home selling candles and little things I’d made like seaglass pictures from out of an honesty box when I lived in the country years ago but someone kept coming and taking everything without paying so I gave up and never started again.
I might do something like that but I’m worried I’d be reported as I need a license and live in a town now so would need to sell online.

Perhaps you could stop looking at your problems as reasons not to work and start thinking about what you CAN do? Which I.am sure is more than you are giving yourself credit for. There's pride in earning your own money, and living the rest of your life on benefits is unlikely to be helpful to anyone in the long term. Can you work from home at least?

I take ibuprofen for pain when needed, buscapan and kefir for IBS, I am trying somatic art therapy from YouTube (talking therapy/counselling didn’t work for me) and I’ll be starting growing fruit and vegetables this year if I can bear it enough

I did wonder. Its difficult when you don't learn the value and importance of just showing up at school. It's not just about learning. It means you aren't used to the basic expectation of getting up and being relied upon to turn up on time.

Start setting some routine in the mornings that you get up at the same time, early, every day and leave the house bo matter the weather or hoe you feel.

I don’t like computers, never have and I’m not interested in games which I know is really odd because I’m supposed to be autistic.

You don’t have to like computers to learn how to use them

My periods are extremely painful How old are you OP? What investigations have you had so far for this? I'd be pushing for testing if the answer is none so far! If your GP is useless, see a family planning clinic. Generally you'd see a gynae consultant or specialist nurse who could talk through various contraceptive methods which might ease/stop the pain. You might need further testing, but no one should be living with painful periods in 2025!

The Head at my school has diagnosed Autism and ADHD. He discloses these to Ofsted on their visits and gets reasonable adjustments as a result.

He has a noticeable leg shake that gets worse when he's anxious. He often says little in meetings, just listens, thinks then emails his thoughts afterwards. He's fully open about his quirks, carries no shame. We're all just used to it. It's clearly not held him back career wise.

Do you like animals OP? I know they've helped me keep going at times. Not for everyone but for some, having a pet, or helping out with some can be a lifeline of companionship, routine and responsibility, and a stepping stone to taking on other responsibilities.

Easy to say, but try not to worry and ignore judgement from people who are ignorant. You must have professionals supporting you, so please take some comfort in knowing that they really wouldn't waste their time if you weren't deserving of support.

I don’t like computers, never have and I’m not interested in games which I know is really odd because I’m supposed to be autistic

Why would you think someone that works in cyber security is playing computer games all day???

Try to find value in yourself other than through work.

Imagine you could never work another day in your life, could you still find joy in a beautiful sunset?

Where can you find joy in life, that makes goi feel good?

I would try to focus on joy as what you focus on grows. With your focus on doom and worthlessness that is a road to nowhere.

Do priests earn much? Not really. Does it matter? Perhaps they are providing some other kind of currency? A sense of guidance, a purpose for those that need it.

Work doesn’t need to define us. We are all worthy of love and respect, regardless of what we spend our time on this planet doing,

Maybe try watching or reading some Brene brown. She is very good at dealing with shame.

I love animals more than anything

Dog walker? Cat sitter? Rescue helper? Vet assistant?

I think my dream job would be to work on a romantic farm or something. If it weren’t for my sensitivity to smells. I wouldn’t want to deal with cleaning out animals. Anyway it’s not my reality

Can you volunteer at a rescue centre or riding school (if you like horses)? They often provide training, or maybe you could look at doing an NVQ? Studying something at your own pace might work well for you and build you up towards work?