Being told to control my autistic traits

[AlternativelyWired]

I was told today that my truthfulness and lack of diplomacy should be controlled and that I am just using autism as an excuse to annoy or upset people. For a similar example telling someone you can't smoke in a restaurant and them insisting you can. Er, no. The rules don't apply to them. But I am unreasonable and hurtful to tell them they can't. They say autism is a disability you can control and it's nothing like a physical disability that can't be controlled. Said person flounced off as didn't like being told they were doing something against the law. I'm very strict about following rules and laws and being honest and find it very difficult when others are t the same. They break rules for the sake of it to try and look cool 🙄 but how fucking date they say to control it 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

I tried asking about this on AIBU and it's been deleted as am ableist thread. Maybe it all kicked off before I could look at the responses.

They don't sound very nice person

No it was deleted because raising the discussion in the way you did is unacceptable. We don't need to be voting on whether or not disabled people should control themselves. It raised ableist discussion.

One person said they reported it.
I think they thought you were NT and were uncomfortable with the question you asked.

I reported it. It doesn't matter whether OP is autistic or not. It invited a vote on disabled people controlling themselves. That's not ok. I understand OP has had a rough time from this but inviting NT people to vote and post utter bollocks about autism isn't ok. So yes, I reported.

I just don't know how to supposedly control myself in the way they ask.
I remember my husband (he's ADHD) complaining about my facial expressions and how I look angry and should try not to...
I said to him, that would mean I'd have to not only think about the words I'm saying but also think about where my eyebrows are and what to do with my mouth. I can't do those things and also give a coherent answer.

Fair enough. I probably should have phrased it better.
Are we able to talk about it here? It's my daughter who said this to me and her sister when complaining about us. It's really upset dd2 and dd1 just can't understand why we are upset and why what she said isn't acceptable and why it's not a switch we can flick when it suits like she seems to think.

NT here. Sorry to hear about your other thread, I was looking forward to reading the replies' and really sorry to hear what happened.

My understanding is that some traits can seemingly be masked by some people with autistis some of the time but it's not something that be controlled. It almost seems to be an unconscious decision to mask. But that's just what I've taken from masking on here and other sites.

Am I anywhere near the mark?

OP talk about what happened and I will sympathise and understand, that's what this board is for. The idea of inviting everyone and anyone to vote on how any of us should control ourselves is just wrong. I'm not sorry for reporting because that thread was going to descend into an absolute shit show primarily with us getting upset at the comments from the AIBU

I briefly saw your other thread but didn’t comment or report it.
I think that some readers misunderstood what you meant as it wasn’t clear.
This one is clearer I think.

I can see why someone telling you to ‘control’ your autism would be frustrating and upsetting. I don’t have autism and I would not say something like this to any of my friends with autism

My ds has asd and adhd... He controls to a degree particularly at school.. This is absolutely exhausting for him and needs time out to regroup when he comes homes.

How old is your dd1?
if she is very young she may not understand
if she is a teenager then she may not have thought things through before commenting?
I am trying to understand more about this (not excusing her behaviour)

Of course you are 'allowed' to talk about it!

You can't expect people to be happy about being judged though. That's a really basic fact about human nature. I doesn't matter if you are AS, NT or any place on the spectrum in between. Nobody likes being criticised.

Just carry on saying what you see. People might disagree (it's their right) but that's not a conspiracy or a terrible organised societal rejection of the AS perspective just a fairly normal sharing of opinions.

You might be in some danger though if you approach certain types of people in this way.

My son has autism and - i want him to be himself as much as possible - but also try to help him to be a little streetwise in order to protect himself.

How old is Dd1? If she is still a child some slack should be cut. She is allowed to feel how she feels.

It sounds though like you do know that telling other people off is rude but you really want to do it. Do you feel you can choose not to?

Just because it is an autistic or neurodiverse trait doesn't mean you have no control. And deciding how hard to work to control something depends on the setting, context and who you are with.

I am not clear if you are saying you can't not say something - or you could not say something but don't feel you should have to filter yourself as that is harder for you.

Dd is 15 and has a brother who attends a special school so she should know better and this has really pissed me off today. Biting my tongue is exhausting and if she's doing something that is liable to get us thrown out of somewhere or fined then I'm going to say something. The smoking is a whole other thread. She lives with her dad because her behaviour is criminal. Literally. He lets her do what she wants so she won't accept it when I tell her she can't smoke near us (all asthmatic) or in restaurants. Needless to say we don't see her often. But I don't want to get into all that here, I just want to talk about the comments she made but I felt I should give a bit of background.

Watching someone break the rules is infuriating for someone with autism. So she speaks out. The person - who is breaking the rules - snaps back. Why? Because the neurotypical social norms say it's ok to break a minor rule, everyone turn a blind eye, a few tuts are ok but never interfere in someone's "personal business" even tho society accepts no smoking in a restaurant is a rule. That's what being ND means - that we don't "fit" in society, that we have to adapt control and minimise who we are so that NTs can crack on living in their world unchallenged.

Its possible to control certain aspects of your personality if they are causing genuine and unnecessary distress to other people. calling someone out on smoking in the wrong place if fine, plenty of people do that, but (eg) saying a certain colour doesnt suit someone, or their perfume is disgusting, is not fine. I'm not saying you do this, but if thats where the complains come about then add a kindness filter to your language.

I get that it can feel infuriating but if you have control over something that make is unpleasant for everyone and goes against social norms and you choose to not exercise that control - then you can't be upset when others are infuriated by your breaking of the social rules.

I don't have autism but I am ND. There are a couple things that I do that I know other people find to be very unpleasant and so I work hard to not do them. Often I don't realize I am doing it right away but with practice I recognize it more often or someone else cues me and I stop. I gain nothing by knowingly making life unpleasant for others.

@Midlifemusings that takes a hell of a lots of mental gymnastics and effort and is likely to lead to a meltdown. Or the risk of one.

@HMSSophia that's it! You've put it perfectly when you say about people being unchallenged. Drink driving, drugs, petty theft or even grand theft, fraud etc. people don't like to be challenged on this.

I don’t think you, or anyone should have to control traits as such, but it needs to be understood that some behaviour or language will upset others and they may choose not to be around the person doing it. That isn’t them being ableist, or targeting someone, it’s just preference of who they are friends with or spend time with. I wouldn’t choose to be friends with someone who criticised me or kept pointing out rules.

I've learned over the years to control myself or masking as it's known. I made myself learn as not being able to mask just got me into a lot of trouble and it wasn't worth the hassle. I find it easier to mask , get through what ever has to be done and then have my down time where I myself. Its exhausting but the drama from people being offended was far worse.
In the scenario you are discussing though I don't think it has anything to do with being nd.

1. I'd find it completely normal for a mother to tell her 15 year old not to smoke.
2. I'd find it normal for any person to ask someone in their company not to smoke where it isn't permitted. In your instance then you could have all been kicked out if she smoked.

To me it seems like your autism is a stick that your dd uses to beat you with. She knows that it gets your annoyed, so she weaponises it.

You do realise that 'controlling yourself' is not only for NT people to feel comfortable, but the benefit of ALL other people right?
I have ADHD and struggle with emotional dysregulation, impulse control. If I reacted to everything in my natural state it would involve extremely disproportionate reactions and hurtful things said to my DP!
Who is autistic. So...

Yes, it's hard to check myself, and takes a lot of work and training.

But I myself wouldn't want that behaviour, would I? I wouldn't want someone else to blow up at me over minor issues, or say hurtful things. So how can I justify just doing that to someone else because I 'can't help it'. Of course I have off days etc but I have to make some effort. Not just cry off.

I could be wrong but I don't think it was the daughter who was smoking. I think OP told off someone who was smoking and her daughter got upset at OPs way of speaking to the person and told OP she should control herself.