Being told to control my autistic traits

[AlternativelyWired]

I was told today that my truthfulness and lack of diplomacy should be controlled and that I am just using autism as an excuse to annoy or upset people. For a similar example telling someone you can't smoke in a restaurant and them insisting you can. Er, no. The rules don't apply to them. But I am unreasonable and hurtful to tell them they can't. They say autism is a disability you can control and it's nothing like a physical disability that can't be controlled. Said person flounced off as didn't like being told they were doing something against the law. I'm very strict about following rules and laws and being honest and find it very difficult when others are t the same. They break rules for the sake of it to try and look cool 🙄 but how fucking date they say to control it 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

You are quite right.
It's hidden disabilities in general isn't it.

The original scenario comes across quite differently to the actual scenario. Originally I thought you saw another customer in the restaurant smoking, and felt you had no choice but to go over and challenge them, which embarrassed your DD. In which case you can see wrong doing but not tackle it, I'd have thought. I get that you aren't going to say 'no, that's fine, go ahead', but you could say nothing.

That isn't what happened though. What happened was your 15 yr old throwing her weight about, smoking where she shouldn't and arguing when you tried to stop her. Your autism isn't relevant.

@frydae

WTF?

It's called a book Frydae. You may not like it, but it's a well known book, recommended by many, and many ASD teens have benefitted from it.

Agree.

@picklemewalnuts im pretty sure that even if it was about another customer, it would not have been surprising for an NT to tell that customer to stop smoking.
That is if the staff hadn’t come and told them before anyway.

I mean there has been threads on here where people had made comment to smokers who were sitting outside!!

In this situation OP you were totally in the right, smoking around asthmatic people or in a restaurant is not ok, you told her so and she didn't like it. You were completely in the right.

However her issues obviously run much, much deeper than this. She may be struggling hugely with having a parent whose thinking is likely to be very black and white, who when she was growing up found it generally difficult to put themselves in her position, and she may often have felt very judged (by the look she could see on your face or your bluntness) far before her behaviour became criminal. I don't know if that is the case I'm just wondering if that could be what has led to her being the way she is.

I'm sad for her that she is living with her dad who has no boundaries or expectations for her behaviour. When someone doesn't put those things in for you as a teenager you often feel out of control, unloved and uncared for. I think being between someone who has no boundaries/expectations and someone who is very rule bound and has black and white thinking must be extremely hard and probably quite confusing. Don't under estimate how desperately she needs you OP and to be loved unconditionally by you. I would try really hard to separate your love for her from your dislike of her behaviour - don't take personally a single word that comes out of her mouth when she is lashing out. She needs to feel consistently loved and cared for IMO, she is crying out for it, please understand that.

Why would it worry someone NT ? If for example you talk incessantly about yourself or your interests , it just means people get bored of you and don’t want a friendship.. Who does that affect?
if you learn that asking questions about other people is good practice, you have a skill that benefits you.
NT people have to learn social skills too it’s not instinctive ( see other threads on cinema goers and users of public transport).

You seem to be reading a lot from OPs post.

The Equality Act 2010 covers you because autism is a protected characteristic.

You have every right to demand that a smoker puts their cigarette out in a restarant because it is illegal to smoke in a public place.

Who in the right mind would smoke around other people who are eating, they want a kick up the nether regions for that because its anti social and gross.

I say good on ypu OP for being honest.

I think many people who aren’t ND would have thought and done the same. I’m not sure I agree with the comments that ‘neurotypical’ people are all like x, y,z. It’s not the case is it

@AlternativelyWired

Your DD sounds very challenging (putting it politely). It must be very hurtful to be on the receiving end of comments like that.

And on top, a bit of a shit thread too, with comments from NT's who clearly ignore the message at the top of the board:

This board exists primarily for the use of Neurodiverse Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

@Oblomov22

Are you ND?

I've just realised that I didn't post in relation to your opening post, despite thinking I had 😜

So, as for controlling your autism, especially around family, fuck that. Masking is exhausting and we should be able to set aside the mask when we are with people who are meant to be close to us.

If someone close (or not close) to me suggested I control my autism, they would get short shrift.

Watching with interest for @Oblomov22 to answer the above.

Absolutely!
Though they may restrain themselves if their DC would be mortified by it. It was more about the ability to choose whether to speak, rather than whether it's reasonable to be annoyed by people smoking inappropriately.

Surely many NT adults make some attempt to manage or control some aspects of their behaviour or personality they are well aware of , especially when they know that behaviour produces unwelcome results that negatively affect themselves ?

Awareness and self-management of ones own characteristics are challenges for all (regardless of the source or cause.)

The difference is that a ND person can suffer for days if they have to mask their natural behaviour. It can cause an autistic burnout which can last weeks, or even years in some people.

@Clarice99
I've already answered.

ofwarren
And who would I be conforming for? To make neurotypicals feel more comfortable?

My answer was : see my previous post:

"No. It's doesn't affect them! "

Ie no, it only helps her. Has zero affect on NT, doesn't make them any more of any less comfortable, does it?

1)No, ofwarren only adjusts if she wants to, if it helps her. If she's struggling in life, struggling to understand the social rules, struggling socially there is lots of info available to TRY and help those with ASD.

2. If an ASD isn't struggling, doing nicely, then they won't need to adjust.

3)NT won't adjust will they? It doesn't affect them. (Unless they too are struggling, in which case, maybe refer to point 1 above.

I see we have been infiltrated again. I am very cranky this weekend after the stress of Dd and a big day out yesterday and today. All the normalling is exhausting and I can't wait to get into bed with my book.

Yep, I don't like it.

Also, can you stop referring to people as 'an ASD'?

'An Austin spectrum disorder' - just no.

Autism, of course

Yep, I don't like it.
And?
Loads of people do.

Sorry. Fast typing. Won't say an ASD again.

I'm allowed to express that I don't like something.

Appreciate your listening to me about where language though, thank you.