Being told to control my autistic traits

[AlternativelyWired]

I was told today that my truthfulness and lack of diplomacy should be controlled and that I am just using autism as an excuse to annoy or upset people. For a similar example telling someone you can't smoke in a restaurant and them insisting you can. Er, no. The rules don't apply to them. But I am unreasonable and hurtful to tell them they can't. They say autism is a disability you can control and it's nothing like a physical disability that can't be controlled. Said person flounced off as didn't like being told they were doing something against the law. I'm very strict about following rules and laws and being honest and find it very difficult when others are t the same. They break rules for the sake of it to try and look cool 🙄 but how fucking date they say to control it 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

It was Dd smoking.

I will be perfectly honest here OP, I really don't think the situation had anything to do with you being autistic. Your 15 year old who has a huge history of seagulls behaviour, so bad she isn't even living with you, used the fact that you are autistic in her anger to have a go. It's probably not remotely relevant, it's just being picked up on because she is lashing out.

Seagulls

I can't even remember what that was supposed to say

What an utter ridiculous notion to think autistic people can "control themselves". If that were the case, they'd be shipped to a bootcamp and they'd come back without autism or they'd pop a pill in the morning and be like the rest, like they did back in the day with tuberculosis!
OP, whoever told you this probably takes pictures of "able" people parking on disabled bays and sends them to council... Then they take the train home and ignore the elder and the pregnant people-with-ovaries standing so they can read a magazine.
Ignore, she wanted to hurt you. Don't take it to heart, a person who smokes in restaurants lacks plain old common sense. She's young and stupid, life will teach her. Though, is it possible there's more to her peculiar behaviour? Maybe it's not all down to age. I don't think it's normal for a 15 y.o to want to challenge rules like that, I mean, usually they don't want to be noticed in public, whereas smoking where it isn't allowed is the opposite.

I’d agree. Seagulls = anti social?

Smoking in restaurants would be dealt with by staff surely? Someone would have told her to stop.

Biting my tongue is exhausting

I have a 15yo Dd who is not unisually challenging (in the grand scheme of thongs), I am not ND (I don't think) and I find this every single day. 15 yo are annoying and infuriating, they say things and do things to be deliberately provocative. For your own sanity OP try not to comment on every little thing. Smoking in a restaurant is unusual unless in an outdoor space. If it was an outdoor space then perhaps she could have moved away from you.

Compromise at the end of the day is what makes the world go round.🌺

Oh that it sounds like she was being a difficult teen. Wanting to be rebelious and push your buttons.

It sounds like your daughter has bigger problems than just her ableist attitude. You can’t expect someone with “criminal behaviour” to be respectful towards other people in any way. This isn’t about disability discrimination - it’s about someone who is an overall bad person in every respect.

I think your autism is a red herring here.

I think the vast majority of decent parents would have said the same thing to your dd regardless of their neurotype.

You were parenting - appropriately and well. And your dd was acting out and lashing out, and with the unerring instinct of a teenager found your weak spot.

She doesn't like being parented at all. She is very troubled and troublesome and has told me today that I'm a bitch and she hopes I die alone which is lovely.

Is she ND herself?

I don't think the thread title explains it well. I don't see it as a negative that ASD try and conform. We all need to smooth out rough edges, work on our social skills, ASD or NT.

Are you ND?
The stress it would take for me to "smooth out my rough edges" would have me in autistic burnout quicker than you can say aspergers syndrome.
Trying to control what my face does and still making sense when talking is nigh on impossible.

Is she ND herself?
That's exactly what I thought... I think when you're in a situation sometimes it's harder for you to look at it from a more analytical and rational point of view. Maybe she would benefit from a professional assessment? Even if she's just being an extreme teenager, surely there's help to be had if she's engaging in such risky behaviour.

@ofwarren

You don't have to if you choose not to. That is to try, to adapt and confirm to standard socialising rules. There's nothing making you. But most ASD books look at teaching children and teens coping mechanisms, teach the rules, to make it easier.

Some like such books as :

The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome

But if you choose not to, that's your choice.

Is dd ASD too or NT? Agree with Oceanus, maybe dd would like some counselling? having an ASD parent is hard for some children.

But this is the point isn't it.
It's not only hard for autistic people to "adapt and conform", a lot of the time it is detrimental to our health.
This attitude is never applied to other people with different disabilities.

And who would I be conforming for? To make neurotypicals feel more comfortable?

No. It's doesn't affect them!
Clearly you don't want to, can't.
Best we leave it there.

Who's it for then?
Explain to me

"This attitude is never applied to other people with different disabilities."

And to completely with this. Strongly.

The world is uncompromising. Unaccommodating. If you are coping splendidly, then rock on. This thread and others on SN support is for those that are struggling.

OP, you're not the problem here. There's nothing for you to change. You are who you are and there's nothing to do about that. There is however much that can still be done for you child. Your DD needs help, maybe your condition makes it harder for you to see that but she needs help. I don't know how to get her this help but maybe sb here could point the OP in the right direction?
OP, your DD hurt you but don't dwell on it, the fault's not on you, you're not to blame. Stop feeling bad about what was said, and about what your DD did, she said it, she did it, it is what it is and you can't go back and change it. Focus on what you can do in a positive and constructive way that will benefit your DD in the long run.

@AlternativelyWired I have a good friend who is autistic and she reacts exactly like you. She just could nit cope with someone (let alone one of her dcs) smoking inside a restaurant or close to asthmatic people. She wouldn’t tolerate smoking in her house either. Because that’s the rule, there is a good reason for them so how can you ignore it and still smoke?

The comment about ‘switching off your autistic traits’ just made me smile/laugh because it’s so impossible to do. And I suspect your dd knows it very well but somehow she is struggling to cope.
Maybe she is just in full teenage mode (not helped if her dad lets her do anything and everything).
Maybe your SN, her dbro issues etc…. have just been too much for her to cope with (I assume she is NT?).
Maybe she is just using your autism as a stick to beat you with.

I am not sure but I am sure that you can’t switch your autism off (not seen your first thread but struggling to see how it became ableist…. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️)

@Oblomov22

The Asperkid

What the actual fuck is that?

This attitude is never applied to other people with different disabilities

I beg to disagree there. I have ME/CFS and I can promise you that the idea we are milking it/would get better if we actually tired/ we should get moving etc… is very strong too.

Having said that, it doesn’t t mean it’s an ok attitude.