I'm not expecting replies to this, it's 2am after all. It's merely an outlet so please forgive me.
DH and I have been married 5 years, together for 15, we have children ranging from primary to teens.
I have significant mental health issues and am currently going through a length ASD and ADHD assessment and diagnosis but i have a lot of personality traits that are difficult for me to deal with and as a result I've masked my whole life to an extreme level.
I've spoken with DH about this at length, usually after he confronts me for being 'off' or 'difficult to reach' I explain that it's exhausting working to so hard to be 'normal' and sometimes I can't be 'on.'
This has gotten worse and worse over time. My symptoms of whatever it is reached breaking point over last year and by Christmas I was ready to end my life. Everything was too much and I wasn't coping. I reached out to my GP who set the ball rolling for psychiatry.
In the mean time DH and I talked a lot and eventually he begged me to 'unmask' and give myself a break and he would deal with it. I was reluctant and quite scared to do this, I'm in my 40's it's been a lifetime of pretending so hard to fit in that I don't know who or what I am underneath the pretence.
However I was unable to keep up any pretence so slowly started acting to what felt natural for me. This meant things like moving out of the bedroom and sleeping on the sofa, I can't sleep in bedrooms easily and certainly not in beds (no idea why, it's always been the same) but for years I have been permanently suffering with insomnia for years from it but on the sofa I sleep well. Last time I slept on the sofa for a period of time (years ago) DH got in a bad way with his anxiety about our marriage.
I have also confessed to DH that I had zero sex drive or inclination, I said I understood that this isn't ok for him to accept a sexless life and said I would be ok with him seeking it outside the marriage. He was flawed and refused outright as sex is an emotion connection for him and not physical. I can have sex but there is no emotion there for me at all and it's not easy unless I'm really in the mood which I'm just not at the moment while things are so stressful.
As everything came tumbling out, DH admitted he actually didn't like me without the mask (and regretted getting what he wished for) after all but now all the truths came out (that all his fond memories of us are a lie) he is struggling but doesn't want to break up. He wants to fix it. I said that I could just try and rebuild the 'mask' and accept if for him and the kids but he also said no.
I don't know how to begin to fix it. There's a horrible uncomfortable silence around us, he sits on tenterhooks and keeps trying to apologise and asks me to talk at him which I don't want because I have nothing left to say.
I just keep crying and then taking myself out the house so the kids don't see which isn't fair on them to never see me and not fair on DH to not have me co parenting.
At my core I am a very damaged human being. I hate physical touch, I don't have normal emotions (if any) and whilst I understand why people do and what triggers them, I can't really sympathise with him on the level he wants or needs.
I am happy to sit in silence, he likes to talk and talk and talk.
He likes dates and romance and it's all completely lost on me.
He likes cuddling up in bed, I can only tolerate cuddles for mere moment before freezing up, it's horribly uncomfortable for me.
I love him in the capacity that I can, he is my person and I'd miss him if he weren't around, I'm not sure it's 'normal' but I do. But I know in my heart that I can't be what he wants or needs or what I wish I could be for him.
He is adamant that he'd rather have this life with me as I am and establish a new norm around my issues but I don't think we'll be able to. He admits he's terrified to be without me and gets distraught if he thinks I'm going to say I don't love him. He's already instinctively put his arms around me a few times or leant on me or grabbed my hand and I've frozen every-time. I fear he's going to end up destroyed out of this and we have not just ourselves but the children to consider.
I have had years of counselling and am likely to be medicated for adhd but I'm at a point where more counselling won't help me. My counsellor has retired and I'm only ok as long as I'm having refuse weekly sessions, as soon as they stop because I'm doing well I nose do e sharply backwards.
However, I have come to a place of acceptance about myself. I don't hate myself for being as odd as I am, I understand I need a lot of healing and discovery if I want to exists as my 'true' self (I appreciate that sounds wanky as hell) so in that respect I hope the counselling has made an impact.
As said I have no idea what the point of this post is apart from blurting it out, when DH and I speak we both cry and he jumps in every five seconds to tell me he loves me and he expects nothing from me so this is me saying it all out 'loud' at once.