Neurodiversity support thread for women with suspected, diagnosed or self-diagnosed autism, ADHD and other NDs #18

[PolterThreadStarter]

As usual, latest support thread.

Welcome

Hello all, where is everyone?

Right here. Stressing over the fact that I have to go out in a minute and both my pairs of headphones are missing.

Found you!

Been on holiday to the beach, went in the sea in my knickers and saw a very likely autistic little boy having a wonderful time twirling and flapping for hours... at least I hope he felt as I did about the lovely empty expanse of sensory sand underfoot and the wave sounds .

How do you all get through those situations where wires are just crossing endlessly and there's no way out? I must be hearing different conversations to the ones everyone else is hearing - and misinterpreting everything. DS missed his first school settling in day because there was a lot of unexpected noise in the induction and I couldn't focus on what was being said so I thought the sheet of paper we were asked to sign was booking him into a date and the other dates listed in the blurb were just the available days. DH told me I was an idiot and then said he was taking over all school-related stuff (helpful, not). I felt like a total twat because DS's teacher visited him at nursery the same day and asked why he hadn't attended.

Then there's a project a work - I could've sworn certain decisions were taken and I had a full understanding of why, and I was happily working on that assuption and explaining this to others. Turns out I've got it all completely wrong and now I look like a twat again in front of a new colleague. People are cross and exasperated with me all the time and I'm tearful and demotivated because of it, but I simply don't know why it happens or how to stop it happening. No matter how much I ask them to be very direct, they never are.

How many times can I ask someone to explain something before it gets embarrassing?!

albadoss I have the same thing, for work is it possible they could give you bullet pointed written down decisions/direction rather then just saying it or via email, that way you have something to look at again/less room for having to interpret the ambiguous things people can sometimes say when talking?

Just want to scream.

I recently found the thread and have name changed just for this board in the hope I'll be candid and maybe learn something about myself.

Went to the Dr today to request referral for ASC investigation.

No facilities or funding available in my county for adult ASC.

Instead he is referring me for psychiatric something or other. Childhood trauma. He's right I just don't want to admit it. He said psych could come back and advise if they see ASC but what will be will be.

Told him I struggled to talk and that I already have an appointment for Talking Therapy soon and I'm dreading that enough and the last thing I will do is talk about that because nobody should be poking the childhood hornet's nest least of all me.

He asked if I was worried or scared of ASC and I said no, the total opposite. ASC means I am different, a different way of thinking and feeling and reacting to this bloody crazy world. Why should I have to medicate myself and be numb just to get through the days?

He asked me if I'd looked at NAS for help and advice and I said only a quick browse because if I told him that of course I had, and a hundred other reference points, and the AQ-50 (32-27), and I believe I am there in lots of it, I bet he would have warned me against Google diagnosing.

Oh goodness. I'm posting this now. My laptop just crashed and I thought I'd lost my typing but Firefox saved it on the page. It's a sign. I wouldn't have rewritten it.

Sorry to drop the mood. Torn now as to whether I should be in MH rather than here Sorry for rambling.

Lots of us have MH problems too, or have been diagnosed with mental health problems by people who didn't see the ASD… posting here is fine, good, it's nice to have you here. You're right there in the title, look ^^ - under "suspected"/"self-diagnosed".

Just… be careful? Sometimes the problems encountered by women with ASD are mistaken for the symptoms of "borderline personality disorder" (I'm a "personality disorder" sceptic), and women with any kind of mental problems plus histories of trauma are very likely to receive that diagnosis.

I get that sometimes Albadross when I'm stressed and overwhelmed.

Like Bubbles said try and get everything in writing. Have a notebook and write everything down and then afterwards if you have to do your own email to clarify things then do it.

I have a basic stock template I use at work if it would help?

That helps the work side but I can't advise on the DH side I'm afraid.

I hope he's usually more supportive than that

Are flowers allowed in here or is it too unmumsnetty like hugs?

Only if they're not polleny. Or gardenias. Gardenias smell like gents' toilets.

Thank you Autisticrat. I hope you found your earphones. Are they part of your armour by any chance?

Something like BPD is my worst fear because it means I am like my mother and I think why I have accepted the anxiety and depression dx with no fuss in the times when I have felt bad enough to ask for help.

Ohh, is it gardenia that smells like a mixture of teenage boys bedroom, ye olde worlde pub ashtrays, manky socks, a bit of dead skunk and with a hint of urine?

I have seriously spent too much time wondering what that plant is. For years. I think it has been especially pungent these last few weeks.

Whole no advice or real help; but you're free to post where you like!
I agree that diagnosis can be a hard process and it amazes me that the "professionals" can be so unwilling to be open, or so focused... I don't know. It's late and I'm angry at DH he hasn't dealt well wth DS today and I'm really disappointed and angry with him

I'm at my Mum's. She is painful when she visits us. It's interesting to "observe" her at home. And the things that have haven't changed since I was here a year ago.

Right. Bed time! Night all!

BPD is a bullshit label IMO. Some people with the label identify with it and feel it helps them, and find the therapies recommended for it very helpful, but I also PERSONALLY know several women diagnosed BPD who, when the adult ASD service was set up in my area, asked for an assessment and turned out to have ASD. Plus there are women who are labelled with BPD because they inconveniently fail to get better with enough speed for the doctors' liking, because they ask awkward questions, or because they have self-harmed at least once at some point in their lives. So basically, yes, there are some people for whom maybe the label is descriptive and helpful (although the whole "you have a disordered personality" thing is just horrible and also inaccurate), but they're in a wider pool of women who are being very poorly served by the MH services IMO.

You are not like your mother because you fear being like your mother. If you were like her you wouldn't fear that you were like that.

I did eventually find my ear-armour, yes

I somehow ended up roped into a "recovery college" for people with personality disorders despite refusing to accept that diagnosis (turns out I was right, surprise sur-fucking-prise, I was right that it was autism instead) and remember sitting there in a group thinking "these people do NOT all have personality disorders". One pair of women I knew, mother and daughter, both had BPD diagnoses and both accepted them, identified with them, whatever. Heavily medicated. And guess what? The daughter's brother (the mum's son) was diagnosed with autism (not Asperger's) and the mum's brother (the daughter's uncle) was diagnosed with Asperger's. Come! Fucking! On! Give me a fucking break.

Thank you so much for the information Rat I had no idea at all that there was any link between the two being so close and misdiagnosed! That is horrific!

I try to cling to this you are not like your mother because you fear being like your mother. If you were like her you wouldn't fear that you were like that.

The hearbreak is that I am just like her. The only difference seems to be that she had four kids that put a downer on her need for peace, quiet, and everything being just as she wanted it. I have my work colleagues and while some almost deserve a good hiding on a regular basis it seems to be frowned on more if you do that to your colleagues and strangers that drive you mad than if you do it to your kids that you are supposed to love.

I'm so sorry you were treated like that

Hm. Not so sure what to think of the personality disorder thing. A friend of mine was diagnosed with BPD, although comorbid with PTSD following serious trauma (not army related so I bet you can guess anyway). Interestingly enough her brother has autism. From what I've read BPD does not seem that similar to ASD. Even if the BPD is bullshit (I don't know enough about it) she def has PTSD which prob causes similar symptoms.
Luckily I don't think I really have any MH issues. Yes I can get down about ASD/be annoyed that I'm not "normal" and wish I was etc, but not serious depression. I do have some level of anxiety but I think that's mainly just linked to the social side of ASD; I've read about social phobia and I'm sure I'm not that bad. I haven't been assessed yet and I could have something vague like GAD (generalised anxiety) but I don't know for sure.

Yep I was dx with BPD and the similarities seem to be the emotional stuff in teens, self harm etc and difficulty with relationships/intensity. I have no idea if my ASC dx replaces the BPD one though but Whole you're very welcome here if you can relate at all

With the work thing the frustration is that I DO write stuff down and yet I must be misunderstanding as I'm doing that! They won't give instructions in a certain way because I'm expected to either write notes or record meetings and then spend hours going through and listening back. I don't think they get how much time that takes and my workload has grown and fragmented so I'm having to keep abreast of loads at once.

I am diagnosed with GAD which I now dispute - I am not generally anxious but specifically anxious due to anxiety. If I do online testing, I score highly for borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder (although I have hyper phases I've never been 'manic' as such). I can see how undiagnosed aspies/those with ASD can be misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder particularly. If you're aware that you're not 'normal' (NT) and you make an big effort to mask and adapt to NT life, you lose sight of who you really are.

Horse I feel exactly like that. I loved my Mum but her mood swings were horrific and she took them out on us. People say I'm just like her and I say I hope not! She had some positives but I try to be calmer and far kinder to my family than she was. I don't want DD to grow up in fear.

I'm diagnosed ASD and bipolar and I totally agree with both of them; my manic episodes were not really mistakable for anything else But before 2014, my manic periods were less classically manic, more irritability, anxiety, paranoia, agitation. But the combination of ASD and bipolar disorder looks superficially like borderline personality disorder, it seems, even though I told them again and again that most of the BPD stuff didn't fit me at all, but they thought they knew better But of course apparently because personality disorder is egosyntonic, i.e. it feels normal to the person, people with PD will deny they have a disorder, which means if you deny you have PD that's a sign you have PD Except I didn't deny that there was something wrong with me, I just knew it wasn't PD! And I was vindicated; in my ASD report it very specifically states that it's very unlikely that I have PD and that everything they've used to claim that I have PD can be put down to the ASD.

I get bad anxiety but the psychiatrist told me that that's an ASD thing and I just have to learn to live with it

Just changing topics here..

One of my more noticeable problems executive function-wise is self care. Specifically washing hair. My hair is thick and quite curly/wavy, and just beyond shoulder length. I find it really hard to get all the shampoo out. The next day I just notice how sticky my hair is, clumped together etc. Even a course of clarifying shampoo doesn't get rid of all the build-up, and i know that clarifying shampoo is quite strong and you can't really use it all the time. The only time I ever get a properly decent wash is at the hairdressers. Because of being at university for the past four years I haven't had my hair cut as often as I'd like/would be ideal for my length. My mother has even suggested I just go to a salon every couple of weeks just for a hairwash; apparently it's what Ian Hislop's wife does. I know that most people wash their hair much more often than every fortnight, but I don't really care. As long as I don't touch it in-between (I don't use any kind of product like mousse or heat protection etc) I'm sure it can remain fairly clean; obviously I can brush it every day.

So, I guess what I'm saying is... does anyone have similar experiences hair-wise? How do you deal with it? My hair used to be very long and constantly got tangled and was a nightmare to deal with. Since I got it cut to shoulder length it's a whole lot easier at the hairdressers and I actually don't mind going.

I got mine cut really really short… I'm guessing that's not an option?

Is it the shampoo that's not washing out, or is it conditioner? Cause I have trouble rinsing conditioner out when my hair is long. Some brands worse than others (I'm looking at you, horrible coconut conditioner I've only used once). I ended up having to just apply it to the ends. Also, are you washing out in the bath or the shower? It's harder to rinse properly in the bath.

People I know with hair like that (naturally curly) have gone 'poo free' with great results! They just condition and rinse. Maybe you should try it for a couple of weeks toffee?

We use only conditioner on DD's curly hair. It isn't super curly but it is really fine. If we use shampoo it ends up like an birds nest

Oh, and a microfibre towel or a t-shirt to dry it with is also something I've seen recommended.

You're probably using too much shampo toff, it might help to add a little shampoo to a jug of warm water to dilute it before lathering on your head.

I have to wash my hair daily but it's never longer than a short bob.

Lush shampoo bars rinse well, as does liquid shampoo without SLS.