Neurodiversity support thread for women with diagnosed, self diagnosed or suspected ADHD and ASC

[BertieBotts]

Continuing the good work of the lovely EauRouge :) Our first thread in the shiny new section. Seems like they created it just in time for us to fill up the old one

Link to the previous thread

This is a support thread for any posters who feel that they might be (or know that they are) on the Autistic spectrum or have ADHD. Feel free to jump in! Some of us are diagnosed, some not, some trying to work out what it's all about. Women with these kinds of issues often present differently to men and as such, can go undiagnosed for a long time. Hopefully, we can help each other understand ourselves and be there for support along the way too.

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall

AS traits in women and girls by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie - Cynthia Kim's blog (Noted as being one of the only sources of information about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Women with ADHD by ADDitude magazine - this is a really good website in general (though it really needs a redesign). Lots of good, well researched info on ADHD and especially ADHD in women and girls. Do follow the links to other articles. They also have a closed facebook group which is good for info (FB is down so can't put the link up.)

Books
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy?!: A Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly. (This is available as a PDF somewhere online but I can't find it now - sorry!)

Speakers

This is a new one but it's something I've found really helpful so I hope nobody minds me adding it. I won't link directly to videos because they show up in the thread, but worth searching youtube/Ted/google:

Russell Barkley: Clinical Psychologist who specialises in the subject area of ADHD. He explains it better than anybody else I have come across and has practical solutions to support life with it. He is VERY long-winded, but his talks are packed with info. Highly recommend.

Ned Hallowell: Another psychologist who actually lives with ADHD himself and has interesting insights. Author of the book "The ADHD effect on marriage". He is a little bit cheesy but worth a watch.

Sorry I only have ADHD links to put here but if anybody knows a good ASC speaker, feel free to add!

Online quizzes

Of course no online quiz is sufficient for diagnosis, but can be a useful signposting tool and a starting point for discussion with your GP.

RDOS Aspergers test

AQ test

Adult ADHD screening test

Symptom checklist of ADHD in women

Predictive text!

Well done flumble

Hello. I am tentatively coming here, as the shock of realising that I probably have reasons for my oddness are coming to light. In looking into ASD for my son, I have looked at the female traits and done a couple of the online tests, and it all adds up. It looks like I might well be Aspie....

I did one of the online tests late last night, and it came up with a mixed pattern, so I thought oh well that rules ASD out for me. But then the next test said yes Aspie. This morning I looked again at the tests from last night, turned out that I had got muddled and answered yes for no and vice versa.... So just retaken test and now I have two online tests and one list of female ASD symptoms that all point in the same direction. I am not sure what to do with this information.

Gumble - about 1/3 of people in my ADHD group got balanced charts. So I think balanced might be an indicator of not being completely NT but not fitting the criteria for ASD either. Might be worth a look?

Gah, today I was supposed to go to work this morning to cover another teacher's class but they asked me (I think) when I was running to another class and I totally can't remember the conversation, must not have properly registered it. The class was on my timetable but I hadn't thought to check the timetable because I didn't realise I had a class. Argh! Stupid catch 22. And probably, I had glanced at the timetable but didn't notice that the two morning classes in a row were Mon + Tue, not Mon + Wed (because the computer omits days that there are no classes.)

I know that this is a mistake anyone could make, but I feel like I make these mistakes much more often than other people and I feel really paranoid about it. I feel like I can't get up and do things now because I feel so guilty I just want to hide away. My jobs for today are to catch up on laundry, and run around making sure the house is completely spotless for our landlord's inspection this evening, so I have to do something (I have some time.) I also don't want to tell DH that I have forgotten to go to a class - again (it's happened maybe 3-4 times in two years) because he doesn't understand, he just gets really worried/cross about it.

Willitbe - there's no rush :) No problem with holding onto the information for now and seeing how you feel about it.

Bertie - thank you.

Thanks Bertie

I think he can't be entirely NT; he understands me too well! ADHD would fit quite well...

There is also dyspraxia, dyslexia, I don't know exactly what else. DH is dyslexic which I think helps - we both often feel like there is something about the world which isn't quite a fit for us.

Just spent half an hour painstakingly copying and pasting 9 individual images into a large composite chart, being careful to align all the edges PERFECTLY and make sure the labels are just right, tidying up edges, etc., only to notice right at the end when I was labelling the months that I'd done them in reverse order

I closed it without saving, then realised that it wouldn't be as much work to fix it as it would be to start from scratch, but too late. It's gone

Then I came downstairs and told DP, sat next to him, and when my mouth was full and I was unable to say anything he started lightly caressing my knee, I suppose to comfort me. Screamed as well as I could with my mouth entirely closed, couldn't move, of course, as all my attention was focussed on the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH of the horrible touching sensation on my knee, and rubbed and scratched it till it went red. Now it still feels wrong and DP feels bad, when he was trying to do a nice thing. He keeps wanting to touch me now to apologise but he doesn't get it!

I'm horribly sensitised now, so even firm touch is out for at least ten minutes. Does anyone else get weirdly sensitised like this?

How do you deal with offence/guilt in a partner who just wants to touch you when you're upset? He knows intellectually that the last thing I want when I'm stressed is to be touched (and according to my parents I've been the same since I was a baby), but it seems to be some kind of instinct with other people to touch people who are distressed.

I don't understand it and am trying to learn how to touch people when they're upset as they seem to like it, but how do you deal with others touching you at a time when you're least able to cope with it?

I lose the ability to coordinate myself when being touched even at the best of times, and when I'm upset and touched I either freeze or run away and can't talk properly. I think this is an ASD thing?

I have adhd and if my mind is in shut-down mode, I don't want to be touched as it's just more input I now have to process. I don't have any coping, I just snap tell DH to back off. I go to him when I want to be touched again. Sometimes if he just quietly cuddles me, that's fine. He knows me well enough by now that if I push him away, he knows it's not personal.

I don't feel overly sensitized, just more irrationally irritable. Even talking upsets me. I just need people to leave me alone for 30min-1hr and I'll be ok again for a bit.

yeap I get that (I have AS and ADD)- At the moment,I have no time on my own and it is really tough. I need time to think and do exactly what I want..2 hours a day ideally- but I work and the kids go to sleep after me! and how much I love everybody, I just need a bit of time...

Can you give him something to do instead, Gumble? Like making you a cup of tea, something practical, so that if he goes to touch you you just have to say one word reminder "TEA" and he can go off and do that? I think that if his instinct is to touch to console, it will go a bit like this in his subconscious:

Oh no, Gumble's upset! Activate:Sympathy. Sympathy module engaged:make physical contact with upset person. Oh crap, Gumble hates being touched! Stop touching! But Sympathy is still active. Automatic response:Touch. Oh no I've upset her! Sympathy! Touching! Apology! Touching! - it won't be a rational thought process, it's just the automatic response to the sympathy he's feeling.

So he needs something to DO to break the cycle because just standing/sitting there doing nothing will lead to sympathy which has the automatic reaction of touching. Not everyone has the auto-touch thing so I suppose that it's unfortunate for you, but I think it can be broken even if it's an automatic thing, you've just got to give him something which will occupy his hands so they don't automatically fly into position on your shoulder, arm, leg, whatever. I'm thinking he could go and fetch something (Weighted blanket, other thick clothing you could wear as a kind of "barrier"?) or even something silly like putting his hands in his pockets or touching the wall. Or distract his brain by giving him a task like he has to ask you five maths questions in a row or recite a line of poetry (repetition is calming) or just basically anything, if it helps you calm down it's better, but even if not, something to replace his instinct to touch you. He can still touch other people in a sympathetic way but for you he can develop another response.

That's a great idea Bertie! Much better for him to have something he can do that he can make kick in, rather than something he has to not do. There's all sorts of difficulties with inhibitory processes (or whatever you call them) that are really complex and difficult, but reaching out to touch someone is such a long and complex process that those reactions shouldn't be so much of a problem and there's scope there to insert a nice big if>then decision or a juicy for loop or a lovely subroutine.

I like that idea.
I like people to just fuck the fuck off and leave me alone, but they don't - they carry on and the overload is insane.
Once I've gone past processing hill then I'm not to be reasoned with.

Like they think that I will suddenly stop being overwhelmed or overloaded if they talk to me or touch me or give me advice.
No, really, that's just adding to it.

Interesting blog post about echolalia

No but that is the point, nickel, we're conditioned (and for the most part, it's a nice thing and the correct thing) not to leave somebody alone if we are worried about them. If you give someone an actual concrete thing they can do - even if its just "GO AWAY!" then it's better. Otherwise they know they are doing nothing so that "Do something, even if just staying with person" instinct is kicking in hard. Gumble is right that it's really hard to make yourself not do something automatic, it's much easier to replace an automatic reaction with another one.

I can't think of another situation where this happens - hmm - have you ever driven a left hand drive car? DH said that when we moved to Germany it took him several weeks to stop smashing his left hand into the door every time he went to change gear. It didn't matter that it hurt every time because his muscle memory was so ingrained that the left hand changes gears. It's not exactly the same because that's an action that gets replaced. Perhaps if you're used to driving a manual and you switch to an automatic? (I've never driven either so I don't know!)

I do "robots in disguise" too :o
I'll also say things in my head that are lines from films (eg if someone says "it's possible", in my head I'll always say "pig" after, from Princess Bride)

Ds2 and I had a conversation about so go, if he hears a certain phrase or sees something, he will have an appropriate song that comes straight to mind and will sing it.
I do this but again it usually stays in my head.

OMG Senpai You're famous, you just made the roundup!

I have to applaud your CLASSIC ADHD cake. It's BRILLIANT. Love it!

Ahem sorry for hijack!

OMG that cake. It looks AMAZING.

It would've looked fantastic with a sparkler on top.

Any chance you could link the roundup? I can't find it.

I got it as an email, but here's the thread :) I don't think they do the roundup on the site any more :(

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2519701-I-made-a-cake-that-looks-like-a-cow-turd-Help

Thanks Bertie.
:o

I don't get the roundup by email. Pity, I used to enjoy reading it.