Neurodiversity support thread for women with diagnosed, self diagnosed or suspected ADHD and ASC

[BertieBotts]

Continuing the good work of the lovely EauRouge :) Our first thread in the shiny new section. Seems like they created it just in time for us to fill up the old one

Link to the previous thread

This is a support thread for any posters who feel that they might be (or know that they are) on the Autistic spectrum or have ADHD. Feel free to jump in! Some of us are diagnosed, some not, some trying to work out what it's all about. Women with these kinds of issues often present differently to men and as such, can go undiagnosed for a long time. Hopefully, we can help each other understand ourselves and be there for support along the way too.

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall

AS traits in women and girls by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie - Cynthia Kim's blog (Noted as being one of the only sources of information about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Women with ADHD by ADDitude magazine - this is a really good website in general (though it really needs a redesign). Lots of good, well researched info on ADHD and especially ADHD in women and girls. Do follow the links to other articles. They also have a closed facebook group which is good for info (FB is down so can't put the link up.)

Books
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy?!: A Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly. (This is available as a PDF somewhere online but I can't find it now - sorry!)

Speakers

This is a new one but it's something I've found really helpful so I hope nobody minds me adding it. I won't link directly to videos because they show up in the thread, but worth searching youtube/Ted/google:

Russell Barkley: Clinical Psychologist who specialises in the subject area of ADHD. He explains it better than anybody else I have come across and has practical solutions to support life with it. He is VERY long-winded, but his talks are packed with info. Highly recommend.

Ned Hallowell: Another psychologist who actually lives with ADHD himself and has interesting insights. Author of the book "The ADHD effect on marriage". He is a little bit cheesy but worth a watch.

Sorry I only have ADHD links to put here but if anybody knows a good ASC speaker, feel free to add!

Online quizzes

Of course no online quiz is sufficient for diagnosis, but can be a useful signposting tool and a starting point for discussion with your GP.

RDOS Aspergers test

AQ test

Adult ADHD screening test

Symptom checklist of ADHD in women

I saw and read the original thread, but didn't post on it. Partly because I didn't want to 'barge in' (I found it when it was nearly full) and partly because I didn't feel confident at the time saying 'I think I'm autistic', it wasn't until I was referred for assessment that I felt I could say it.

And I definitely find I have to try harder to fit in and am too tired to keep up the pretence much any more! I've spoken (typed) about my regression/burnout before, I don't have the energy to do a lot of things I used to be able to. For example I went on holiday last week and I found the queues/crowds through customs very hard to deal with, I cried and DH had to take me by the arm and lead me through. Whereas last time I went on a foreign holiday a few years ago I don't remember feeling anywhere near as stressed/overwhelmed.

DH has taken my regression in his stride, bless him, but I think my parents are finding it hard to deal with. When I spoke about access passes for a theme park for example, my mum insisted that I didn't need them, but she still has this image of me as a capable, independent adult, and I'm not any more.

BertieBotts - thanks very much for your insightful advice on boundaries. What you say makes sense. I will have a look at baggage reclaim.

If you hover over "Posts by theme" you can find all of the posts about boundaries in one place :)

I think there are two parts, really - first working out where your boundaries are (or should be, or you want to be) and the second is actually being able to enforce them.

One thing that I learnt from parenting (and, again, far later than most people apparently work these things out!) is that it's no use having your boundary being the absolute limit of unacceptable behaviour. If you have your boundary right on the tipping point of "too much" then if somebody pushes it or steps over it, you'll panic because you're not in control, and not be able to react calmly. Instead you need your boundary to be a few steps behind, so that if somebody pokes a toe over it, you feel in control, you are not panicking, you are able to say, nope, they just broke that, game over, and act. Whether that's calling somebody out, speaking firmly and clearly about how you feel, asking them to leave, exiting a conversation, or leaving a relationship.

This is difficult if you're anything like me and want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt at all times and have trouble with arbitrary-feeling restrictions. How it applies to parenting would be a situation like when children are sitting in a restaurant, and playing with their drinking straws. Playing with drinking straws is harmless enough - putting something in the end and shooting it at somebody on the next table is definitely too much. But there's a whole continuum of behaviour between those points, is it okay if they put something in the end but don't shoot it? What if they only shoot it at each other? Some people would place the boundary at the point of shooting anything. Others would place the boundary at playing with straws at all, even though there's a whole multitude of harmless things to do with straws. The old me would have felt that unfair and be likely to put the boundary right up at the point where it becomes clearly unacceptable, ie, actually shooting other people. Which is difficult to enforce because the problem is that by the time they've done it, they've already done it! You can't act to prevent it because it's happened. You can tell them off or whatever, but you're likely to be stressed because somebody on the other table is angry and you feel embarrassed and you don't know why the children have stepped over the line yet again. But it would have been easier to have the boundary much earlier, you would have felt perfectly calm taking the straws away, yes you end up telling them off over something which was actually harmless, but it's the potential. And children do push the boundaries, so it's useless to have the boundary be something which is actually bad, because they are going to push it. You have to give them leeway to push because you can't lose your cool when they do. It's the same with adult relationships. Give yourself a buffer zone, even if it feels unfair or arbitrary.

Hi all, I have been lurking (or posting under other names) so you won't know me much (probably), but I'm very happy to announce I have an ASD assessment coming on Thursday at 5pm! I've been waiting for this for more than a year. Am in Kent.
For background, I'm 42 and both my DS who is 12 and my current DP (not DS's father) have ASD diagnoses.
I'm a bit worried about the fact that I don't have anyone coming with me to the assessment. My mum has dementia, my father not alive, my relatives abroad (I did record my aunt reminiscing of me as a child). The psychologist suggested I attend with a friend or partner, but neither are free on that day, and the psych would rather I came without them on Thursday than postpone. I feel this might be in the psych's interest (getting things done) more than mine to go ahead without my friend/partner? How can DISCO go ahead? Anyone else went for assessment by themselves?
I will report. It's been good lurking on this thread and reading about everyone's experiences. I find myself on the fringes too always, whether in the playground (as a mum), at work, and even in my hobbies (various classes I took - I still managed to alienate people quickly, it seemed, just by not looking chirpy).
I posted a bit on the thread for partners of people with AS for a while, but I think my partner with AS is a lost cause, tbh, and not worth worrying about too much. It's got to be that he's not that into me. Worrying about me a much better idea.
Looking forward to contributing here!

I think I'm going to my assessment on my own. It's a private one though. I no longer have parents, so no info can be given from them. The psych can always phone dh for any info if necessary. There's info in my medical records which would probably be useful, so she'll contact my GP perhaps.

It'll be interesting to hear about how your assessment goes and what kind of things they want to know.

I'll be having mine in the next few weeks.

I went for my assessment on my own. The psych did ask about my childhood, and I told him a few bits that I remember my mum saying, and he asked about my teens too but I can remember those!

I had a stack of questionnaires to fill in, but the psych was more or less sure from my 'clinical presentation' ie the way I communicated with him in the appointment, my mannerisms etc.

Office politics: don't you just hate them?!

My most trusted colleagues/friends left earlier this year, on bad terms. I went to see them today and it turns out that people at work have been stirring- making comments to boss about former colleagues having made comments about the boss (if you can follow that!).

The thing is, at least one of those people were people I thought I could trust. I mean, we all have moments where we hate our jobs and the people we work with and need to offload. And I thought that this person was upfront, she seems very 'mouthy' and if she had a problem with you, she'd tell you. Now it turns out she's been running to the boss and telling her what we've said.

I feel very vulnerable all of a sudden. I mean, I know I am naive and too trusting, but there's times when I have to say something right then or explode! and now I don't know who I can trust. If I can trust anyone.

Aw, shit, that's bad

This is the trouble, you can't always spot who is devious in this way, especially when you're not that way yourself.

I did join a new group on fb that was suggested here - the uk women connect one? I'm finding it very hard to join in.
Some of them seem veey judgemental - like "how so you not know that?!"even whrn they're talking to newbies.
Very tiring.

Also, on Sunday at a party after church (easy to deal with as long as there's one or two people I can cling onto and not have to mingle), I got talking to one of our newer (adult) choristers. He's in a tough place at the moment and I was generally lecturing him on singkng in front of people. He kept saying with shock how he didn't know I was an unconfident person.
And he managed to invite himself round for this morning.
It wasn't a bad experience per se, but he doesn't know my history so he kept askkng questions which was annoying (like he didn't know I had the bookshop), and I found the whole thing very stressful.
Thing is, he thought it was nice and wants to do it again.
I can't handle that.
I don't mind meeting as a group, like in the pub, and having one to one then, but I find it uncomfortable one to one in my home with someone I don't know very well, and whicb I didn't instigate.

Hi mountains
I'm in kent toi.
Do you deal with Emilymay at the KAT?
And are you in the social skills suppprt hroup (for which I still haven't plucked up the courage to send my forms off - I have filled them in though )?

crohns I know that feeling - you just can't trust anyone, it seems. :(

Thanks, i thought I had to have someone with me, glad to hear it's not the case.
I did speak to Emilymay of KAT once when I had a question about DISCO actually, why? Anything I should know?
I've not heard of a social skills group. Maybe I'd need to be diagnosed first to be invited? I'm being seen by a private company that does assessment for the NHS (psicon, it's called) and I'm a bit worried that the consultant who will see me is not an expert, and especially not of AS in females. His CV is (strangely) available online, and it doesn't look to me like he has a lot if experience in autism. It looks like he attended an NAS course, and the rest of his career is in criminology and advising court (and a 15 years spell working in the oil industry!). I don't think I'm a clear cut case, so in worried I'll be dismissed. I hope I'm just being judgmental. Ah well, not long now...
I too really disliked office politics.

Does anyone else identify with the slightly unpleasant medical description of the social approach of "active but odd"? Although I've spent a lot of years very isolated, my natural personality is outgoing and gregarious, but since my diagnosis I've been more and more aware or the fact that I behave differently from other people (for example, today I blurted out a spiel on historic use of medications in mental hospitals in a lesson, and without thinking shouted out a comment that I bow realise could've been really embarrassing for the other guy). I see a lot of people talking about being on the periphery at parties, but is anyone else at the centre of things, loud and laughing, and only realising later that they got it wrong again?

Thankfully, the people I have surrounding me mostly seem to like or at least tolerate my weirdness...

It was Emilymay who visited me to see if I had a case for referral. She's really nice :)
You don't need a referral to join the social skills group - it's like a peer support group.
You could email her if you want to join.

I'm sure your psych will be fine. And if not, then you're allowed to try again

Gumble I have a (male) extroverted AS friend who is a lot like that. I'd imagine it's an introvert/extrovert split within autistic people.

PP who have commented about needing silence - perhaps look into having a retreat? I have only been on retreats to convents but there are non-religious ones, although you don't need to be religious to go to a convent for a retreat. There are both Anglican and Catholic contemplative orders who can provide plenty of silence! There are also secular places like Gladstone's Library.

Great, I'm an extroverted autistic. Isn't that like being a cheerful depressive? Thanks - glad I'm not the only one.

I'm a big fan of libraries. I think for kids like I was, they felt like the ultimate in safe spaces, where the kids who made my life miserable would never go and I was surrounded by my very favourite objects. Even now, when they're full of chatting and computers, they still feel so comfortable, like I belong there.

nickelbabe, is that social skills group based in West Kent, like Tonbridge? I'm not that side of Kent but might still go at least once (depending on what the assessment says, I guess). Someone from the KAT did come round to see if I had a case about 5 years ago, and decided I hadn't. It was DS's paediatrician who had advised me to contact them. She thought I did have a case and when I told her what he'd said she wondered how qualified that man was, especially re: females. He was a volunteer. I'm getting the feeling I'm v borderline.
Gumblebee, I would say that my DS and DP are v much active and odd in their way of approaching people. Unless they are themselves control freaks. Tbh I often cringe when I hear them say things I think they ought not to be saying to people, but it looks like most people can tolerate and see beyond clumsiness (or what can come across as arrogance) and still like them for all their other qualities. Whereas I'm so scared of offending that I'm often mute, which obviously has worse results.

'Unless they are themselves control freaks' was a late addition and should have been inserted after 'most people are understanding and see beyond DP and DS's clumsiness'.

Gumblebee I hope I've not offended you btw. It's really the case that people can see beyond clumsy comments, and I think that those that can't have control issues. My next door neighbour for example once ran to catch up with me as I was leaving my house to ask me aggressively why I seen reluctant to chat with her over the fence. She told me, 'your DP chats with me, most people do, why don't you?'. I just had to tell her that I didn't know, and was perhaps shy (although that's not how I would describe myself usually, but it was a shortcut). The point being that I think she did that because she herself has control issues. Most people can cope with differences, and being active but odd, I'm sure is a better strategy than being mute.

I'm not offended at all To be frank, I cringe myself, later, when I analyse my behaviour and compare it to that if the other people there at the time and my knowledge of past analysis of behaviour, and realise how weird and clumsy and offensive I was!

I think either way of being has its problems probably.

Yes, meltdowns are scary. Sorry you've had one Polter

In our house we call them 'bombing up' (they happen to me and ds1) and I never realised what they were until recently

Hope you feel better soon polter I think it's doubly strange when you are aware of what's happening. I felt it brewing at the weekend and sure enough had a meltdown on Monday, triggered by something upsetting enough but it was definitely an accumulation of stuff. Not nice at all. I felt really good yesterday, like I'd cleared something out. Back to being hazy today though...

Can I ask, has anyone had an assessment via Skype? I have the opportunity of one later in the month (non official but I'm okay with that) and I'm wondering if it is with the same person people here have seen?

My gut feeling is good I think, better than all the unknowns of the NHS waiting list I'm on. I feel really impatient and in need of an outside opinion, if that makes sense.