Neurodiversity support thread for women with diagnosed, self diagnosed or suspected ADHD and ASC

[BertieBotts]

Continuing the good work of the lovely EauRouge :) Our first thread in the shiny new section. Seems like they created it just in time for us to fill up the old one

Link to the previous thread

This is a support thread for any posters who feel that they might be (or know that they are) on the Autistic spectrum or have ADHD. Feel free to jump in! Some of us are diagnosed, some not, some trying to work out what it's all about. Women with these kinds of issues often present differently to men and as such, can go undiagnosed for a long time. Hopefully, we can help each other understand ourselves and be there for support along the way too.

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall

AS traits in women and girls by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie - Cynthia Kim's blog (Noted as being one of the only sources of information about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Women with ADHD by ADDitude magazine - this is a really good website in general (though it really needs a redesign). Lots of good, well researched info on ADHD and especially ADHD in women and girls. Do follow the links to other articles. They also have a closed facebook group which is good for info (FB is down so can't put the link up.)

Books
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy?!: A Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly. (This is available as a PDF somewhere online but I can't find it now - sorry!)

Speakers

This is a new one but it's something I've found really helpful so I hope nobody minds me adding it. I won't link directly to videos because they show up in the thread, but worth searching youtube/Ted/google:

Russell Barkley: Clinical Psychologist who specialises in the subject area of ADHD. He explains it better than anybody else I have come across and has practical solutions to support life with it. He is VERY long-winded, but his talks are packed with info. Highly recommend.

Ned Hallowell: Another psychologist who actually lives with ADHD himself and has interesting insights. Author of the book "The ADHD effect on marriage". He is a little bit cheesy but worth a watch.

Sorry I only have ADHD links to put here but if anybody knows a good ASC speaker, feel free to add!

Online quizzes

Of course no online quiz is sufficient for diagnosis, but can be a useful signposting tool and a starting point for discussion with your GP.

RDOS Aspergers test

AQ test

Adult ADHD screening test

Symptom checklist of ADHD in women

Hi Hopeful, I'm Surrey/Hants borders but near Berks!

I'm really glad to find something for women with AS (Is it now ASD generally? I am never sure which term to use!).

How is support in your area?

I have access to Surrey support services run by NAS - I've got an appointment with their ASSIST service for adults exploring their diagnosis, which is really lucky.

Just had a look and I think West Berkshire NAS would be my nearest, or Alton - unfortunately nothing easier to get to, but I'm sure local NHS services would know.

One problem I have a lot is getting anxious and feeling like I have to plan out the future in detail, and a diagnosis or the diagnosis pathway feels like a big disruption.

Hi everyone, can I just ask - does anyone else have problems with setting boundaries in relationships? I'm feeling really anxious today. I think it's partly because it's half term and dd1, after really coping quite well all week has a massive meltdown this morning because she can't cope with the noise her sisters make.

I've had a lot of times in my life where I got into risky and dangerous situations with men because I don't stand up for myself when they are doing something wrong and I find it difficult to say no. Last year I had a really damaging experience with an abusive man and it has made me feel that I never want to have a relationship with anyone again. I think that probably the last time I was happy in a relationship was with my ex husband when our older girls were babies. I had an abusive relationship with my youngest daughter's father and had counselling to get over it and all the flashbacks. This was 6 years ago. Now I seem to be back to square one after encountering another man who I think just enjoyed being spiteful towards me. People have said to me that I clearly don't pick up on clues which suggest whether or not someone has good intentions.

I realised that often I don't seem to react properly in social situations. I noticed it the other day. Someone gives me a look as if to convey some sort of non verbal communication and most of the time my face stays blank because it doesn't come naturally to me to communicate back to them. So they probably think I'm weird or unfriendly. And in the same way I find it really difficult to say to someone 'stop I don't like you doing that'.

I am always worried that I am crossing social boundaries, that I talk too much, and I worry about setting boundaries with most people except for DH who generally understands.

I'm feeling paranoid at the moment because I know that people often just end up thinking I'm odd. Men seem to like the way I look but they find me weird. So it only works if I find someone else who's a bit like myself. I think that maybe some of the direct things I do or say offend people. I don't mean to. It happens over and over and I used to think it's them, but no - it's definitely me. I offended someone by saying I needed to leave after 45 minutes.

I often manage to offend people. NTs are tricky and seem to expect a lot from communication.

I experience constant tension and fear when trying to deal with them.

I suppose the problem is that when you're wired differently you don't know how people are going to react to what you say. I've never been able to work out what I've done to upset people but unfortunately it happens a lot.

See, I never knew about offending peopl..

I'd think I got on okay and then suddenly i'd find them confronting me as to what my problem was. That's happened twice.

Then sometimes I'll look back and think I've said something wrong and spend months worrying about it.

Now of course, I'm working so hard on being self-aware that I'm finding myself tellong the people I'm sleaking to what I'm doing /saying wrong. You know, just so that the "wtf?!" Slight gaze becomes "wtafwtafwtafwtf?!?!" Stare with a little bit of fear in their eyes.
I feel I can't win.

I have decided to come off days at work and go onto nightshifts. It's not ideal, but I'm not coping with the relatives I just don't have the ability to give these people what they want. They're quite often unpleasant and I sense hostility. They're abrupt and complain a lot. I get bad vibes. It's making my depression worse and I had tachycardia and chest tightness the other day because I got myself into such a state of anxiety

In my case I just find I'm always on the fringes of things. This doesn't bother me at all. A few months ago a woman whose DC is in the same class as mine made a big effort to be friends with me and I remember feeling really surprised! I think that I maybe just don't really know how to build friendships. I do have friends I've known since I was a child but I suppose that's a bit different and even them I don't see very much. My adult made friends are certainly as quirky as me.

Sorry to hear that hiddenhome :(

I used to be able to remember conversations word for word that I had literally years ago. I had some therapy to help get out of it which helped. I think it has not completely stopped. But the stuff I remember is on a shorter timescale.

Yes, real life friends are few and far between.

The worst is that I go along merrily and quite happily, then a sudden catastrophic social error and it feels like the whole world has ended.
And these days, I have roots, I'm settled, so when these catastrophes occur I have no escape and I have to go back and deal with it (and if it's not my fault, it doesn't make it any easier to handle)

Yes, you get sacked because your personailty doesn't fit, or you stuff differently "the wrong way", or your face doesn't fit, and it doesn't matter because it'seash to get another job.
Or you do temping work because it's transient, or data entry with high input expectations so you don't need to talk at work, you live in a shared house which is on a short term contract and then you livr alone.
So easy never to need to see people again.
And everyone's so busy that you only see each other in the evenings in a club where you just dance anyway.
And those who you've known for many years just think "you're you" so you don't need to prove anything or be anything other than you are.

And I don't know - I'm a newbie

do stuff
easy

Do people find they have more energy to hide their difficulties when they're young?

I'm totally running out of steam now and just want to hide away. I have recluse fantasies and plan my imaginary reclusive life in all its detail. I even look on maps to see where I'd live away from everyone.

I'm hoping nights gives me some breathing space and quiet as well as fewer people. It's just part time.

I feel that I've become worse as I've got older, definitely. I find interactions really exhausting so I try to avoid them. I never feel lonely any more. I think I am more stressed because I have a teenager with extremely challenging behaviour which certainly doesn't help.

Does anyone else like to go to the cinema by themselves?

I don't know if I was on the original thread. I definitely lurked, not sure if I posted.

I LOVE going to the cinema by myself. I suggested it to DH because it's rare we get an English showing here and we don't have similar taste in films, but he wasn't keen at all. He'd rather watch a film alone at home. I find the cinema is usually too loud, though.

With the boundaries thing - a lot of this is being brought up/socialised female. There was a brilliant article I read ages ago which I haven't been able to find since about a woman who is at a bus stop and a creepy, slightly drunk man starts flirting with her. She feels uncomfortable but finds it difficult to tell him. She keeps making obvious hints with her body language and not responding but he doesn't take the hint and continues. The article goes into detail about if she had actually said what she felt, (Fuck off and leave me alone right now) how others around her would have reacted - and it likely wouldn't have been positive or supportive. We are actually taught that the only way to dissuade an overeager advance is to be subtle and "polite". This ties into rape culture - because the same as the bus stop analogy, when we are in an intimate situation with a man it's extremely difficult to actually say stop very convincingly and strongly. Yet people work out all of these false arguments about how rape victims "should have" reacted and the fact they didn't means it wasn't rape, but this isn't how we react in everyday life so why would we suddenly gain those skills in a more intimate setting. I thought it was fascinating and horrifying all in one.

There is really good stuff about setting boundaries on a website called baggage reclaim. I think it's www.baggagereclaim.co.uk . The Relationships board on here is also good if you ask for advice about boundaries specifically - it can be a bit fighty if you just post a situation, these days. A "how could I have handled this better?" thread can be useful. It also might be worth looking to see if you can find any assertiveness training. That's a good one but it might be that you need to learn how to find and build your own boundaries first. I bought a book a while ago called The Nice Girl Syndrome which is supposed to help but I never got around to reading it.