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Neurodiversity support thread: Women with suspected/self-diagnosed/diagnosed ASC & ADHD

986 replies

EauRouge · 10/06/2015 16:45

No sign of our own forum yet, so for now here's a new support thread for women on the autistic spectrum and/or with ADHD. Newbies more than welcome!

The old thread is here.

Here are some helpful links for newbies:

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

I took off Tony Attwood because it was about people with autism rather than for people with autism. Anyone else got any book recommendations?

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

If any of those don't work, it's because I'm cooking the DDs' dinner and I'm shit at multitasking. What's that burning smell?

OP posts:
LeChien · 09/07/2015 20:58

I know what you mean. Hopefully it'll eventually fade.
I find I can't switch off, so if something's happened it will bother me for months, even long after it's stopped.

PolterGoose · 09/07/2015 21:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeChien · 09/07/2015 21:13

Yes, same here, not good as well when I'm judging others against my own set ideals.
I've backed off from several people because they've done something that I can't relate to. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to making friends, or keeping them.

BertieBotts · 10/07/2015 11:16

Oh, I am the opposite, Polter, but it causes a lot of issues! I always want to give people another chance and I'm really really bad at drawing a line, saying "That's enough" or cutting anything off. Like anything I suppose the best place to be is in the middle with some kind of balance, hard though.

Allofaflumble · 10/07/2015 23:03

My lack of boundaries has caused me a lot of uncertainty and inability to see what is real and like Bertie says giving chances instead of drawing a line.

I am however a champion grudge holder and can recall all sorts of slights and fester on them.

ISaySteadyOn · 11/07/2015 22:56

I'm with both of you Allofaflumble and Bertie. Thanks for the link to the thread about parenting, Bertie btw.

ALittleFaith · 11/07/2015 23:16

I am too forgiving at times but once the line has been crossed, I bear a terrible grudge! I have a colleague who lied to me. My whole opinion of her has changed and I don't think I'll ever really trust her again.

I'm really struggling with anxiety at the moment. It's horrible but my GP is sympathetic and has signed me off work. I really need to find a less stressful job but so far I'm struggling!

Allofaflumble · 11/07/2015 23:34

ALittleFaith sorry to hear you are struggling with severe anxiety. Thank goodness your doc is sympathetic. Hope you regain some much needed equilibrium soon.

ALittleFaith · 12/07/2015 00:22

Thank you Flumble. I'm having counselling which is helping.

PolterGoose · 12/07/2015 08:35

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CrohnicallyAspie · 13/07/2015 19:59

I just had to come on and share that I'm feeling quite proud of myself, it's nearly the end of term and I haven't had a meltdown at work yet- usually this last term is seriously stressful for me and I spend the majority of it in tears, what with changes to the routine, preparing for September (resources, displays etc).

But I've told a handful of colleagues about my diagnosis, and one of them pointed out that the cat might actually be out of the bag already- she's seen my posts on an AS Facebook page (I thought that only people who 'liked' the page would see the posts, but apparently it came up on my colleague's newsfeed). So far it's all been positive though, no one's been surprised, just curious really. And it's really making a difference to my anxiety levels, feeling more able to do what I need to do to cope.

Like at DD's swimming lesson- she's 2 so I have to be in the water with her. I got there last week to find there was a swimming gala taking place in the other pool, with hordes of screaming kids. I didn't feel able to leave because I hate changing my plans, and DD would have tantrummed too. But then I remembered I have earplugs in my swimming bag from the days before DD when I would swim 'properly', so I used them instead of trying to cope with the noise. I would never have done that before diagnosis, in case it drew attention to me, I would have put up with the noise in public but then fallen apart later in private.

ALittleFaith · 13/07/2015 20:17

That's great news Crohnically! It sounds like having some understanding of what makes you tick has helped you to minimise the risk of a breakdown. Well done for opening up to colleagues too.

PolterGoose · 13/07/2015 20:36

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 13/07/2015 21:49

I'm so nervous about my appointment tomorrow :( I had planned to write bullet points of what I want to say but I'm supposed to be going to bed now. Perhaps I will write them anyway. I have found vv recently that actually writing out a process of what I have to do and what is going to happen to make it step by step makes me panic less, keep on track more, and stop procrastinating because I have no idea where to start. I did this after watching some Russell Barkley lectures on youtube - he is AMAZING. ADHD based rather than ASD but he explains executive functioning really, really well - in fact this one has an excellent in depth explanation of what executive functioning actually is and at what ages different bits normally develop (and doesn't mention ADHD at all until at least halfway through)

Oh bum I've just scrolled up and realised that I've repeated myself evangelising about him, sorry, but this one is more universally relevant I reckon.

Anyway he said three things. The thing I mentioned before about having a problem doing what you know, another one about EF being related to planning for the future (which is really hard for ADHD people) and then about working memory - that you can start something, get distracted, and then most people go back to what they were doing, but with ADHD you don't tend to do that, you forget about it totally. This can happen on a minor scale (beginning and not finishing several jobs around the house) to a medium one (having several never-ending "projects" on the go) to a major one (career plans, education, relationships, parenting). So writing a checklist and working out on paper (or whatever is to hand) what I'm supposed to be doing is really helping, at least for the minor stuff.

CrohnicallyAspie · 14/07/2015 06:19

Good luck today bertie!

I also find that writing helps me a lot. Writing about something that happened can help me to process events and emotions, I either write a diary style entry or write a letter to someone else who was involved (but don't send it). And plans, lists, timetables help to keep me organised. I remember at uni, when I had to do my dissertation, I couldn't start it because it was just this huge project looming ahead of me. A friend and I sat down and organised ourselves together, broke it into sections, decided what order we were going to write it in and put deadlines for each component on our calendars, and all of a sudden I could do it and finished ahead of schedule.

PolterGoose · 14/07/2015 06:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrohnicallyAspie · 14/07/2015 06:23

Forgot to say I do the same for most big tasks now. If the house needs cleaning top to bottom I break it down into a table- a row for each room and columns reading tidy, clean, Hoover, windows. I have a tendency to start tidying and dusting in one room, find something that belongs somewhere else, take it back and get distracted by something completely different. But if I keep track with a table then it breaks everything up into smaller tasks, smaller even than doing one room, and I can do whichever bits takes my fancy at the time.

BertieBotts · 14/07/2015 08:23

Thank you! She was actually fine. She was pleased my timetable has helped (the bedtime seems to have helped) and she was happy to give me the info for the diagnosis place. It's here: www.zi-mannheim.de/en/research/departments-research-groups-institutes/psychiatry-psychotherapy/researchgroups-psychiatry-e/adhd-adulthood-e/information-adhd-adulthood-e.html (There's a toggle button at the top for English if it's displaying in German). Does it sound okay? I am worried because I've read really negative things about the perception of adult ADHD in Germany.

Then to the next hurdle - vaccinations. Apparently Germany doesn't believe in the NHS view that childhood vaccinations are good for life and insist that I need boosters. I am terrified of needles. Almost started crying in the office just at the thought. She has offered me anti anxiety medication for the day and said we can do it at a different time e.g. in the evening so I can take DH and then go home and not do anything, because I wouldn't be allowed to drive or work. But in some ways if the medication works that would solve an issue for me because I am inclined to totally avoid medical treatment if I am worried there might be some kind of injection involved. DH suggested going on holiday to Egypt a few years ago and I was saying they could all go without me, and he thought I was mad.

Yes! The breaking down of tasks is really helpful. Only issue is I lose or lose track of lists. So it's fine for smaller tasks but larger ones aren't so good.

I can't remember if it was this thread or another but i've been using an app called regularly, which is really good too. Anything which doesn't need doing daily but does need doing regularly you can plot in there.

Allofaflumble · 14/07/2015 13:02

Girls with Autism tomorrow night ITV 10.40. Sorry if already mentioned.

"This film plays its part to ensure there is a little more acceptance in the world" - says the blurb.

I think it should be on earlier in the evening if that is the case. Not everyone has catch up TV.

BertieBotts · 14/07/2015 14:24

Ah, but it's not a "sexy" cause :( Thanks for the heads up :)

CrohnicallyAspie · 14/07/2015 19:26

'Came out' to another person today- was chatting to a mum who was telling me about her 9 year old daughter, they are awaiting a paediatrician appointment for assessment for ASD. She was explaining to me about how girls present differently and how her daughter holds everything in until she gets home, at which point I said 'yeah, I do that, you do know I'm autistic?' she looked at me and said 'yeah, I can see it now'!

PolterGoose · 15/07/2015 10:03

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MarvellousCake · 15/07/2015 13:48

Hello everyone, I started a separate thread about me and my DD but it's been suggested that I come and talk to you over here. I hope I'm not breaking any rules if I copy what I wrote about myself on my other thread:

I was a bit of a weird kid, always felt a bit outside of things, had a few close friends, usually one at any time. Did well in school, keen to learn, scored very highly in IQ tests. Clumsy, not sporty. Devastated by 'failing' anything. Prone to what I can only describe as emotional storms. Thankfully these have decreased, but still happen occasionally. Not very good at 'keeping my house in order' (literally and figuratively). Find social occasions terrifying, particularly with new people or contexts. My husband gets irritated that he finds I 'butt in' when he's talking, either just with me, or in a group with other people. I know I do this. I talk barely at all if I am socially uncomfortable, but I basically don't stop talking in other situations, eg around my family. I can't help either of these things. I drive, but find it very daunting. I won't drive long distances, and I am prone to panic when transitioning eg from small roads to motorways and vice versa. I panic about where I am going to park. I get awkward with 'touching' in social situations, eg hugging/kissing. I always think I'll do it wrong. Other people find it hard to read my emotions. I am extremely sensitive to emotional tension in a room/situation. I can't rest until I've tried to make everything better. I repeat conversations over and over in my head. I get deeply into particular interests, no matter how odd/diverse. I'll read and read about them, but then drop it and move on to the next thing. I took the AQ test and scored >32. In a number of areas I've got better since having children - it has forced me to be more organised and to talk to people I don't really know. I have a very successful career, but I always chew my fingers/pen ALL DAY at work. I have only just considered that this might be odd.

Should I be speaking to the GP about my 'issues'? I feel like they would probably laugh me out of the room, and I've coped for this long so maybe it wouldn't achieve anything anyway. In fact, I feel like I am getting better all the time in some respects. Or is there some reading I should do? How do people make decisions about this?

A part of me is reluctant to go down a 'diagnosis' route (if if comes to that) for either me or my DD. This is partly because I was brought up with the strong belief that I could achieve anything. Would I have felt the same way if I had a label? Or would I have found that equally empowering? On the other hand, I cried almost all the way home the day that reading a thread here on MN made a lot of things 'click'.

Allofaflumble · 15/07/2015 16:52

Marvellous you must be my long lost twin!

Bar the very successful career I could have written your post. If it helps I have not one but two diagnoses of Aspergers. So I think you may well be.

MarvellousCake · 15/07/2015 20:48

Wow flumble, that's interesting. Can I ask why and how you got diagnosed and what the diagnosis means to you? Sorry if you've been through this all before -feel free to point me elsewhere.

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