Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

[EauRouge]

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete

Please come and join in!

Hi Polter - yes I do feel quite tired and drained now so I suppose that makes sense, although it's not the worst meltdown I have had. I reckon I'm mid cycle although I'm not very regular, I use an app to track it but it's all over the place really. Bit like me then :)

DS was around but I think DH just wanted space. Actually, it was better for me him being in the bedroom. (Our flat is smaller than a postage stamp, so hard to get space really.) I don't mind him needing space as he's always been open about that, and he will speak perfectly civilly to me about practical stuff like DS, food, etc. We often spend evenings and weekends doing our own thing, and DS doesn't need a lot of input, so it felt more like he was going off doing his own thing rather than sitting there letting off ominous vibes or something(!) For me, I'd rather wait until DS is in bed before having a talk which is likely or possible to escalate into an argument - just one of the things that happens when you marry someone after already having children. I know longer-married couples still fight, but a lot of this stuff is early relationship stuff which probably would have been easier to get out of the way without worrying about what he sees or hears.

Like I said on the other thread, I think he will be more receptive to understanding ADHD/SPD if I can actually stand there and say look, it's real, somebody else thinks so, not just me. He has been supportive of me doing the workbook etc. But I think he thinks it is something I can fix or push past and I just think that there are always going to be limits I have to accept. It's difficult because he is dyslexic but he compensates for it and apart from being terrible at spelling and occasionally asking me to check something he's written it doesn't really affect him at all in adult life. At school, yes, it did affect him but I think he feels like he has moved on from it and overcome it and I should be able to as well. Whereas I was the opposite. I coped very well at school but from talking to my ADD friend she reckons this is because I had coping mechanisms. (One example - I still don't know my times tables but always did excellently in maths because I could work things out on the spot and still can, even if I've forgotten the rule.)

And also I think that DH in essence just doesn't really believe in those sort of "hidden" disorders, mental health, etc. I see it in the way he talks about our adopted nephew who also has additional needs.

I know this is seen as some kind of ancient neanderthal kind of thinking on MN but I think in real life it's very common :( Friend and I were discussing it. Her husband is Mexican and she says there are particular cultural challenges there, too, although of course so much is individual.

It's difficult because I find DH very kind and understanding and patient but only up to a point. So then, inevitably, I think, you know, if I was "normal" it wouldn't get near that point. It's a pretty far in point.

I don't find the reward method of motivation useful at all either. Mostly I motivate myself by knowing the alternative is less desirable than the thing I need to do. But it's taken years to understand that because I never used to have a time free from stress to see it was better. Still, I don't notice stuff. Like before my mum was due to visit after her stroke I checked the stairs to see if they were clear enough for her. I was astonished to find them full of stuff, we had been stepping over the crap on the bottom step! How does someone not see that?!

I saw this on a facebook post and had to copy it down as it was so perfectly apt.

The problem is I quickly adjust to the obvious (forget it even). [An] elephant stumbles into the living room and dies. Someone tells me to get it out of there. This, that and the otherthing get in the way and I don't deal with it immediately. A few days go by and climbing over it becomes routine. Two weeks go by and it's really starting to stink up the place and other people in my life are complaining, why haven't we dealt with it. I said I would, why is it still here? I am realizing that I've forgotten it. Truly forgotten it. There's no saying that, no one is going to believe my air head has vaporized this task.

We are trying to save €1000 before August. In the first month I managed to save €2 Maybe the diagnosis would help

Yes. Sometimes I feel expectations are extremely high. Other times I feel like they are very low or easy and then I wonder why it is so hard for me to achieve them.

Most of the time, I find I have no idea what the expectations actually are. I don't know how people know that kind of stuff. It seems like everybody picks up on hidden signals which go right over my head.

I dread to think what my facial expressions are like! I think that's why I can't ever watch myself on video - I just hate it. Really truly.

Polter We rent so we're motivated by inspections, but it's a mess within a week really.

Yep.

I turned up to the work photoshoot in a hoodie. Everyone was wearing business dress. Nobody told me - because, duh, it's obvious.

They weren't impolite enough to ask me not to be in the photos, though I had the sense to try and skulk at the back, but they have not used one of those group shots on the website or leaflets.

Yes, definitely! I feel true to myself at work as well, I teach English. I love teaching and I am totally in my element.

I find it frustrating that I often don't feel true to myself when being a "wife and mother". I can do individual bits which are "me" but then a lot of it is playing a role that I'm not really sure how to do.

I would hate to wear the same thing every day, I like variety. Plus I tend to change into comfortable trousers as soon as I get home, I hate jeans, but trackie bottoms and pyjamas aren't usually acceptable outdoor wear.

Oh and I like to sit all folded up, so nice trousers go baggy at the knees if I wear them at home and dresses/skirts are positively indecent

Right am fed up of this horrible cold room and having to have my arms out to type, so I'm going to snuggle up in bed and MN on my phone instead!

Those feelings of 'what do I do?' make me feel nervous around people in general so I tend to hide from them. And then if I do manage to talk, it comes out as word salad.

Bertie, on your other thread, you said something about struggling to separate a dislike of an action from a rejection of a whole person. I'm the same and I wonder if it is related to the ASD.

It could be, or it could be more indirectly related - a lot of things I am reading now talk about how adults might have reacted to you as a child, if you consistently acted in a way they didn't like because of your disability but they took it as obstinance etc and you were chastised for it then that can lead to a belief that it was about "you" if that makes sense. Because you weren't choosing to behave in that way! It wasn't under your control and so the child you experiences criticism as an attack on the self.

Woah. Massive penny drop moment for me there about parenting/discipline stuff off the back of ny last post. Everything has fallen into place a little bit more. Well there's another thing which was probably obvious to eeryone but me!

(mMy realisation being: punishment/telling off/even the notion of "naughty" is based on an assumption that the child is choosing that behaviour or course of action.)

Hi everyone

I didnt know this thread was here but just seen polter's link on the SN chat page.

I am pretty much self diagnosed but have not yet gone the whole way due to numerous difficulties with Dd3 who has Asd and her school issues.

One day maybe