Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

[EauRouge]

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete

Please come and join in!

Would it help to impose time limits? For example, spend 20 minutes reading an article rather than telling yourself to read the article?

I am soo struggling again today :( I find being married such hard work sometimes. It's good because DH is forcing me to deal with stuff (debts, housework) that need dealing with but on the other hand I'd rather go and roll into a ball in my bed and ignore it all.

Plus I have "shouted" at him over instant messenger already this morning because I'm stressing about something which is happening in six months' time that I don't need to stress over yet, or possibly, at all. But I can't help it, and now I've pissed him off. (Understandably really, he's not being a dick or anything.) I just hate dealing with people who are not me and who don't think exactly like me and know everything that I know and am feeling all panicky about it. I know I'm being unreasonable which doesn't really help the panic/upset cycle. I'm being a bit of a dick to him at the moment and then lamely saying "Sorry" afterwards doesn't really cut it. :(

Buffy have you tried meditation at all or that therapeutic breathing stuff? I don't know if you have the book "Too fast too tight..." but there are several techniques outlined in there. A bit woo perhaps but I find it really does help me. Perhaps I should go and do some now....

It sounds like you're having a very similar experience to me, Buffy- I used to be able to read for hours but I can barely manage a paragraph now. I can't take anything in. It makes me feel really stupid :( but I know I'm not. It also means that I can't relax- I've tried a lot of relaxation techniques but haven't found one that works for me yet. My counsellor suggested that sensory overload leading to anxiety and stress is responsible, so that's why she made the suggestions about a sensory space for me. Would you be able to do anything like that?

Sorry things aren't great at home, Bertie. I think it's really hard for NT people to understand the stress. I think that saying 'don't stress' or 'what's the big deal?' and things like that make it worse. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to stress about stuff that's not happening for months (or years), but I can't help it. And if I try to stop stressing, then I get stressed about being stressed. Have you read any of the books about ASD and relationships? There are quite a few and some of them are aimed at NT partners of ASD people.

Yes, completing the tasks themselves isn't so much the problem, it's the way I'm feeling about it I think. I have definitely got that baby steps thing down :) it does help a lot. Problem is I have got to the scary step now, like the one where I have to phone people.

I don't think therapeutic breathing is deep breathing as such, it's like the thing where you tense all parts of your body in turn and let them go.

I don't think it's even my stressing which is annoying, Eau, it's more that I am being a bitch (or coming across as a bitch anyway). Stressing wouldn't be so bad, but I'm blaming him for my stress. Looking back over the conversation, he's saying things like "I haven't done anything, you're making yourself terrified". I know DH is sick of that because that's what we ended up arguing about at the weekend. I can't seem to put a filter on it, it just comes out.

I have looked at a sample of one book and some websites but they also irrationally irritate me a lot because it always seems to be the man in the example who is ADHD so there is always a gendered nature to it, the old endless "Oh, lol, men are useless! Tut tut, they don't see dirt, tee hee, I'm such a martyr" tone all the way through and I end up wanting to jump out of a window.

Or the assumption is totally different to the relationship problems I am having (which aren't really problems in that sense, most of the time things are great.) - Common examples seem to be cheating or flightiness, abusive behaviour, being a victim to abuse, being too intense or holding back too much. I find it hard to relate to, because I've done a lot of work on myself on avoiding those unhealthy relationship patterns. I don't think I'm being abusive as such, it's just easy when I panic about stuff to jump to blaming DH. In a way it's the same pattern I did with my mum when I was about 15, which I know she really struggled with. But I'm so fuzzy when I'm doing it that I can barely remember what actually happened afterwards and if DH has made a counter point back, it is lost. But he doesn't want to talk about it again later because he feels I should be listening at the time. Maybe I need to explain that to him, that I can't.

Right am watching some Edward Hallowell videos on youtube which is helping to calm me down :)

I've got that reserved at the library, I'm hoping for some miraculous answers!

I doubt it. He has dyslexia himself, and as a rule doesn't read unless he's really really motivated to. A self help/psychology book definitely isn't his bag at all. Podcasts, however, he might be interested in. But I suspect that until I get a diagnosis, he's not likely to be receptive to much because at the moment I think he thinks I'm making an issue of it when it's not real, and that it's just my personality. He doesn't like the idea of navel gazing and would rather get on with things. The dyslexia doesn't exactly help my case either, because he has never spent any time agonising over it or worrying about it or trying to understand it, he has his coping mechanisms and it doesn't have a major effect on his life, so I think he assumes everyone should be like that. It will be nice when I can start working on it properly, because I think then he'll see a difference rather than wanting to ignore it. It's not even that he's dismissive, and he is probably more acutely aware of my little quirks, positive and negative, than I am, he just doesn't see the need to label it into a particular condition or think too much about things. Example: I got really, really stressed and irritated over that dress thing because it annoyed me so much that people were so amazed by it and he pinned it down immediately by saying it was that my brain had figured it out in about three seconds, (which is partly because I used to work with computer graphics, not that I think everybody who didn't understand it was stupid) but he was surprised because he said "The internet is full of stupid people, what's the difference?" The difference, in this case, was that I am very careful to restrict my internet usage to set places, mumsnet usually and my little corner of facebook with MY approved friends on there, blogs that I follow, I avoid comment sections as a rule and hence I don't encounter a lot of generic internet stupidity. The fact that a lot of people who I know are intelligent were going crazy over an optical illusion was intensely maddening, for some reason.

Now I think about it (I can feel my blood pressure rising thinking about it!) I'm sure that bloody dress is the entire reason for my moodiness and failure to cope this weekend. There, I am shifting the blame again, but hey.

I forgot to come back and update, sorry :) I made my phone call and that is moving forward, not resolved, but moving so good.

DS had a dentist appointment, got there, they said "...No, you're not due for another hour" I was confused because I was certain I'd seen 16:00 on the appointment card but hadn't thought to bring it with me so I said OK and we went round the shops, went back, didn't get seen until six :( Then he was told he couldn't eat for 30 mins after so he didn't eat dinner until nearly 7.30 and has just been in tears because it was too late for him to watch TV for bedtime. Anyway managed to calm him down in the end and he's gone down. I'm starving.

DH said thank you for me apologising to him online which I did mid afternoon, and I felt all awkward (I don't do well with people expressing gratitude/happiness at something I've done TBH) but tried to explain a little awkwardly that I'm trying to get a handle on my defensiveness because it's not his fault. He also said calmly "You're getting defensive" rather than blowing up when I reacted in a panicky/angry way towards him saying "Is this all that's left?" about some food. He does listen when I tell him things, he's a lot better at remembering how I would like him to react than I am

But yes. Much better thank you. Stomach ache from too much caffeine and too little food, but that's a given. :)

Oh and when I got home the appointment card DID say 16:00! Bastards

BertieBotts, everything you say is so familiar to me, about housework, feeling rejected, worrying about appointment times, feeling defensive, stressing about things weeks before they happen.

I am actually very relieved to know it is not just me. I don't have any useful words of wisdom, I just can empathise.

Is anyone thinking of doing anything for Autism Awareness Week? I was thinking of doing some sort of fundraising for the charity I go to. Maybe 'adopt a plant at my allotment' but there is fuck all there yet apart from a lot of weeds.

I also thought about 'coming out' on Facebook but I don't think I could handle all the questions at once so I'll probably just do it on my blog.

I don't know- I guess it depends on whether I've had a firm diagnosis by then! I'm not planning on doing anything too drastic, like you I considered 'coming out' on Facebook, but I think I need to talk to a few people in RL first to gauge the reaction. I'll maybe just get a few autism awareness badges/bracelets etc and then if people ask I can explain.

I'm feeling pretty bad this morning :( DD1 has just told me that this week her Rainbows group is doing a foot pamper evening for Mothers' day. I just can't stand strangers touching me and I definitely don't want it done in front of everyone else. I will be unable to hide my discomfort.

At first she said she didn't mind that I didn't want to go, but she would be the only one without their mum there and she doesn't want to feel left out. So I will have to grit my teeth and go for it. I hope the pamper people bring their sandblaster

All the other mums will be enjoying it and I will be waiting for it to end. DD1 is already the odd one out at Rainbows and I don't want to make it worse by being the one mum that doesn't have a foot massage.

If it's any consolation, when we did similar at brownies the children did the massaging. Will it be more comfortable for you if it is DD touching you?

If not, you could say you're really ticklish on your feet, so could they just do nail polish with no massage/lotions etc, or maybe do your hands instead (for me at least, hands are less sensitive and less personal feeling).

Oh, I could cope with her touching me. She will probably tickle me though, the bugger Thanks for the ideas, I'll have to wait and see what the plan is when I get there. It's not until next Tuesday so I've got the entire weekend to worry about it.

Oh god, shudder at foot pamper evening!

If someone tried to touch my feet then I would not be responsible for the consequences.

I de-stress and recover from oversocialising by going to bed in the middle of the day and reading.

I discovered today that when DH puts his arms around me and just holds me (in a non-sexual way) it makes me feel a bit calmer.