Seriously. Why? Why would I do that?

[pagwatch]

Sat night party. Mostly people I don't know so feeling a bit nervous. I manage to mangle each one of my childrens names ( when asked) and then , when introduced to someone, I shake their hand and give them my husbands name ... " hello I am Pagman" I said
Long silence. I said " actually I am not. I am pagwatch. I am not sure why I said that"

DH then shook their hand and said " and i Mr Pag and married to a woman who isn't quite sure who she is"

Why would I do that. I wasn't even drunk FFS. And then I had hours ahead with people who think I am too dim to get my own name right.
I apparently AM too dim to get my own name right.

[notsoclever]

3 of my favourites... (part 2)

At a meeting where one guy was late...

Boss: "anyone know about Dave?"

Me: " I spoke to him on the phone yesterday, and he made noises as though he was coming."

Everyone else in the room: "

[notsoclever]

3 of my favourites... (part 3)

My Dad...

Lady next door (Maggie) had a birds nest in her garden but unfortunately the baby birds had tried to learn to fly when it was raining and they had all drowned in a puddle.

Following year, sitting at the dinner table, my Dad said: "Oh look, Maggie's got her tits in the birdbox again."

[QuintessentialShadow]

My estate agents finnished a conversation with me saying "See ya later, love ya, byyyeee" in a sing song voice.

When I was a teenager, my mum took me on a trip to my aunts summer house on a remote island somewhere. We had take a boat the last part of the way, and had an hours wait by a pier. We met an elderly lady and her son, who turned out to be friends of my grandma. Later the same year my grandma passed away. We had the wake at our house. These two people came. My aunt, not knowing who they were asked me about them:

"QS, who are those people?"
"Oh, just some folks we met on the pier when we came to see you last summer"

She looked mortified and went to get the full story from my mum.

[LurkerOfTheUniverse]

my mum was in my sister's car, stuck in traffic

she says' I,m just going to nip in the bank, I'll jump back in'

she did jump back in, but someone else's red peugot 306 that was 3 cars back from my sister

The daft bint didn't even notice it wasn't my sister, just started ranting about bank charges

That poor driver's face, she was TERRIFIED that some crazy mad ranting woman had hijacked her car

was hilarious

[BEAUTlFUL]

My friend called a builder in to look at a deep crack (you can see where this is going) that had appeared in the wall of her house. It was behind a big shrub.

The builder arrives and, without thinking, friend says: "Can you part my bush and look at my crack?"

[BitOfFun]

I have only just read through the whole thread-Beautiful, the story about you and your christmas party has made me cry laughing ....and when Lawks came along I was completely done for...I hope this gets into Classics.

[jennifersofia]

In the autumn last year, we got up early-ish on a Sunday, had breakfast, and got ourselves and kids out of house because we wanted to go to a local museum that gets quite crowded at the weekends. When we get to the museum, to my outrage, the gates are still locked. I check the opening times, and then ring the intercom. Someone answers and I snottily ask why the gates aren't open as it is 9 o'clock, and their sign says that they open at 9. The man on the intercom reminds me that they open at 9. I insist that it is 9, and they should open the gates. The man then says it is 8. I say, 'well, my watch says it is 9!'. He then says, 'have you put your clocks back yet?' - cue embarrassed silence from me...

[TrillianAstra]

I've just nominated this for Classics - it really shouldn't disappear!

[mollyroger]

Beautiful, I love your cake story....

[LurkerOfTheUniverse]

lolol at Beautiful

[mollyroger]

I haver never quite recovered professionally from days working on a local newspaper.
We had a load of photos in from a dull royal visit to some dull factory. The photographer had not done any captions, and the snaps were not very good quality, with many many people in them, so the other sub-editors and I were were crowded round the pictures identifying the big-wigs.

''That's definitely Auntie Anne'' I asserted confidentally.

Everyone looked very impresssed.

It was of course, Princess Anne.

I do have an Auntie Anne. But she is an Oxfam-shop worker from Gateshead. Not related to the Queen.

[PrettyCandles]

When I was about 8 or 9 my brother and I went to new youth group, and, for some reason I kept introducing myself as his brother. I had probably intended to say that he was my brother. Trouble was that I have a completely obscure name, this was the 70s so lots of boys had hair longer than me, and I tended to wear trousers in any case. So for quite a few years (until the evidence became obvious, IYSWIM) almost everyone there thought I was a boy, and I used to get into such trouble if I was caught going to the loo!

[wrinklytum]

I nipped out to the supermarket whilst dp parked the car and waited for me.

A few minutes later,chuffed with purchasing my Tesco goodies,I dashed back to the car and got into the passenger seat.

"You wouldn't BELIEVE how busy it was in there!" I declared to dp.

Only it wasn't him.

I had got into some random blokes car (NOT EVEN THE SAME MAKE) Who was obviously waiting for his OH.

I was so

The guy just sat there looking astounded,whilst I wanted to sink through the floor with mortification.After several muttered apologies I rapidly exited the car,walked 2 cars down to where DP was in fact waiting.

He was PHSL.

Oh the shame!

[WilfSell]

have only got a third of the way through this thread but am crying on my keyboard with the kind of laughter that makes you wheeze and grimace like a Kamikaze Muttley where no sound comes out and your shoulders shake. God if someone knocked on the door.

Has cheered me up no end but I fear for my keyboard the amount of snot that is in my nose. I don't know if I dare continue...

[WilfSell]

GENUINELY and not figuratively had to choke myself with tea then in preference to spraying it on said keyboard at KayHarker twiddling an old ladies hair at the mall...

[LadyGlencoraPalliser]

I got halfway through this thread and have had to stop. I am supposed to be writing an essay on history and identity and instead I am rocking back and forth in my chair with my face screwed up in pain and tears rolling down my cheeks, trying not to make any noise that would alert DH, who is working on the other side of the wall, to the fact that I am reading this thread instead of working.
Oh god, this is the funniest thread ever.

[benfmsmum]

Notsoclever's part 2 gets my vote for being the funniest!! Although there are many others that are very, very close behind her!!Tis a great thread and I agree it shouldn't disappear!

[blondiep14]

Rhubarb - that happened to me once (tho i was only doing a wee!) on my way home from work.
Luckily i wasn't on my usual train and was a bit squiffy due to Christmas drinks.
Was mortifying more the next morning when i was sober enought to cringe.

I never use toilets on public transport now.

[notsoclever]

Was in supermarket and left trolley in middle of aisle to pick up a few items. Returned, put them in my trolley and continued on my way. Women says "excuse me, that's my trolley"

Apologised, took my items out and looked around for my trolley - there it was with my 18month dd in the seat - I hadn't even noticed that she wasn't in the new trolley.

[kitstwins]

So, so many. Mostly since I've had my children so hopefully I can blame my shredded brain on them.

Embarassment # 1:
Around 20 weeks pregnant with my twins (so looking pretty whopping/full term). Charming client/big wig extraordinaire comes into my office to meet my boss and I'm included in the introductions. Stick my hand out cheerfully and say "How do you do. I'm.......I've no idea...I appear to have forgotten who I am...". Big wig looks baffled at amnesiac in straining purple dress, boss looks incredulous but starts laughing whilst I struggle to remember my name. Eventually boss stops laughing and gently reminds me "you're Kitstwins".

Embarassment # 2:
In Shanghai Tang concession at HK airport and turn to my husband holding up ruinously expensive cashmere jumper. "This would match your gorgeous eyes" I trill sexily at him, only to realise IT WASN'T MY HUSBAND. Cue hysterical laughter (madwoman alert) as I bellow "Not YOU! Not YOU! I meant my real husband (?). I'm not married to you....". Man is scarlet red with astonishment and clearly thinks I'm some deranged hooker trying to pick him up in an airport shop. Husband looking on with sneaky grin as has seen disaster unfolding. I still get red thinking about it.

Embarassment # 3 - ONLY THIS AFTERNOON!
Colleague going off on maternity leave. Am being introduced to her replacement so do the whole handshake, welcome blurb (manage to remember my name). We waffle politely about babies and maternity leave and colleague says "Oh Kitstwins has twins", presumably to explain mad-eyed look of exhaustion. Replacement politely enquires "Oh, boy/girl?" to which I reply "Yes" only to recall that in fact I have two daughters. "No, no" I correct. "Two girls in fact", looking barking mad. Jesus!!!!!

[MrsJoeMcIntyre]

Beautiful - your first story is absolutely brilliant. There are tears on the document I am reading, I have been laughing so hard.

The only time I can recall: My mum has big double glass doors at the end of her living room, which look out onto the garden. One Sunday morning, she was standing looking into the garden, and out of the blue said, 'Look at the state of my bush'. Cue complete hysteria from mum and I, while dad shuffled awkwardly in his chair and tried to ignore us. His reaction just made us laugh even harder.

[FlappyTheBat]

At school we were discussing our future careers. I was debating whether or not to go into nursing or go to university to study law.

I announced quite loudly that "I can't make up my mind between Nursing or Soliciting"

Couldn't understand why everyone in the vicinity found it amusing

[theDreadPiratePerArdua]

Have just been reminded of a friend's public humiliation. She was out shopping for a sports bag with her mother (can you guess what's coming?), so her DM picks up a bag and calls over the display 'Friend, does DH like Head?'.

ROFLed when she told me

[cocolepew]

In Paris on honeymoon, we were sitting in a chic little outdoor cafe, trying to blend in The snotty waiter arrives "Bonjour"
"Au revoir" cheerfully shouts DH.

In hospital with pregnancy sickness, I was on a side ward. One morning a man comes in "Good morning, how are you today"

"Alright" says I pushing down the covers and hoisting up my nightie.

He was an electrician not my consultant.

[TheDevilWearsPrimark]

Once on a train DS needed the toilet so we headed up to the bit in between carriages where the loos are. There was no room for me to go in with DD in tow too so I told him to go by himself but not to lock the door. I was distracted by DD trying to open the window on the train door and when I turned back saw the door was locked.

I banged on the door 'Why is this door locked, open it now' panicking he might get stuck in there only to hear from behind me 'it is open mummy' and turned around to see DS kecks around ankles in the other loo. We scarpered before the other person emerged.