Seriously. Why? Why would I do that?

[pagwatch]

Sat night party. Mostly people I don't know so feeling a bit nervous. I manage to mangle each one of my childrens names ( when asked) and then , when introduced to someone, I shake their hand and give them my husbands name ... " hello I am Pagman" I said
Long silence. I said " actually I am not. I am pagwatch. I am not sure why I said that"

DH then shook their hand and said " and i Mr Pag and married to a woman who isn't quite sure who she is"

Why would I do that. I wasn't even drunk FFS. And then I had hours ahead with people who think I am too dim to get my own name right.
I apparently AM too dim to get my own name right.

When I was in my last job, I used to pass the same woman in the corridor every day, I didn't know her properly as we were in different departments, but every morning she used to say "Hello, how are you?" or something similar and I'd reply. Anyway, one morning I saw her coming towards me and automatically piped up "I'm fine thanks, and you?" The poor woman hadn't said a word! She must've thought I was insane!

I also automatically put xxx at the end of every message I write on mumsnet, but luckily I've always realised my mistake before posting!

I've had a habit of deciding, after a glass or two, to pick drinking battles with unlikely candidates. When I say unlikely, I mean these two- hard drinking 20 stone bloke I remember now only as Ian but was a friend of my then boyfriend and T, still friend 6'4" 24 stone ahrd drinking mate of DH's.

Surprisingly I drank Ian under the table. The reason for this is that I never pass out. After that I tried to walk home, forgetting it was 20 miles. Second time we were at a friend's 4oth, country house, pyramids of wine glasses..... hour later sat with dh (then new dh) and turned round without warning and threw up all over him.

I now have to remind myself when I go out, esp. to incredibly posh venues with decent people who know how to have a glas or two and concerse intelligently, that it is not my eprsonal role tolocate the alrgst bloke in the building then attempt the demise of the entire free bar

(Fortunately the snobby niiice dahlinks lady who copped the country house incident ran off with the builder a week after, somewhat trumping my embarassment massively.)

I was working in an Oxfam shop with a young lad who was there as some sort of rehabilitation thing. He seemed a nice lad, obviously gone off the rails at some point. A bit monosylabic as young lads are. We were spending a long and boring afternoon sorting through the back room. We'd been chatting earlier about how some customers were so rude and how it would be nice to have the confidence to be firm and call people on their rudeness, but the reality is you just smile politely and fume silently.

Someone brought us a coffee and we sat down to drink it. A comfortable silence elapsed. My mind was still racing away on the subject of standing up for oneself. Suddenly I blurted out loudly, in my ringingly posh voice, and (as far as he was concerned) a propos of nothing...

"GOD, I'M SO WET!!" and looked meaningfully at him.

Haven't laughed so much in ages. Posted this one relatively recently so apologies but went to hospital couple weeks ago with DH for him to have a check up. After he'd seen the consultant he went off to have blood taken, various tests etc. Meanwhile, gorgeous doc asks to see me alone so I can tell him how I think dh is doing. We are alone in a small office, and I am suddenly overcome by the close proximity of very lovely doc, and start being all pathetic and giggly and tossing my head in winning fashion (yes, ok, who am I kidding) - and bang it hard on wall behind me. Oh my god, so embarrassing ....

Shortly after having dc4 (a boy) a woman came up to me and said "oh, you've had the baby, congratulations, you had a girl didn't you?" I had no idea whatsoever who she was and so was distracted trying to puzzle it out so I answered "yes" about having had a girl. Then she asked me what we had called her. Still trying to think who on earth she was, I replied "Joseph". Cue long silence on both our parts ....

My friend moved to a large house in a small village. Shortly after moving her and her husband were walking the lanes nearby and saw a man cutting the grass verges on a sit on mower thingy. Thinking this a good chance to get someone to come and help them cut their own huge lawn they asked the man what his rates per hour were. Turns out he was the local lord of the manor not the local handyman ....

I've told this before on Mumsnet but it is appropriate for this thread so... DH was round at my parents house for Sunday lunch (he was newish boyfriend at the time), as he was putting some butter on his vegetables my mum asked, rather loudly, "Are you sure your knob is big enough?", she is one of lifes innocents and had no idea why we all ended up sorting and going bright red.

Lawks - I think I might have permanantly lost the power to breathe properly after reading your post. In fact I think I might be hyperventilating or drowning or have a collpased lung or something.

Uttlerly ing - but a good one nevertheless.

I think I surpassed myself last weekend.

I thought curtseying at a policeman was my moment of shame, but no, I met up with a lovely mumsnetter, got far far too drunk and tried to climb into bed with her and her DP. I still have the battle scars from where I misjudged the edge of the bed and landed with a thud. (you know who you are, sorry yet again )

OH god, I do this sort of thing all the time, I'm not generally a shy or nervous person but I get caught off guard. I'm especially bad on the phone.

My confession is that I spelt my name wrong on my job application form . I still do it all the time now, I swap two of the letters around when I am typing, every time (fortunately the spell check now picks it up). Anyway, I somehow got the job and when I started work my name associated with my email would come up with the wrong spelling and one of my colleagues blamed the IT department and rang them up to get them to change it. I kept silent!

Am I the only one (well, judging by this thread I'm probably not) who gets really nervous when asked to give their DOB or address for verification, like at the pharmacy or something? I must look so dodgy because I suddenly go blank and hesitate before reeling what I hope is my current address and not my last one.

I know what you mean Bumper. My personal fear is when in a big meeting and we have to go around the table and say who we are and where we are from. I sit there paralysed knowing that when my turn comes I will forget who I am and where I work. No idea why, I am otherwise very comfortable talking in large meetings....

If you get your children's names and DOB wrong when phoning NHS direct you can hear the suspicions being transmitted down the phone line ...

I was in a lift with some colleagues, recounting an anecdote about a pissed-up undergrad game of attempting to swallow whole creme caramels.

Just as I was demonstrating the required creme-caramel swallowing technique - bending forward, hair held back in the nape of the neck - declaring in ringing tones "Then you just suck the whole thing in and swallow in one long gulp" - the door opened to admit my (male)boss.

Much macho guffawing and me going bright-red and gibbering.

I spelt my name wrong in the wedding register!

I also phoned my friend's mum's house and asked to speak to myself.

I also spelled my name wrong on the wedding register so my marriage certificates are spelled wrong too. It's only my middle name which does have accents in it but still

I've just remembered a rather mortifying one.

At Uni, there were two guys who were best friends, lived together, were similar looking and had the same name. Only, I didn't know this. I thought that there was just one Bob, not two. So, I chatted to Bob 1 and 2 on numerous occassions thinking they were the same person, and assumed that I had a level of acquaintance with that was higher than I thought.
So, one night I went out with a friend, saw Bob 1 (thinking it was Bob 1 and Bob 2) and started chatting to him. He looked a bit confused at times, particularly as to why I was so friendly, but went along with it. Ended up going with him to a club and snogging him(as one does). A couple of days later when I saw Bob 1 and 2 together I realised my mistake (but I did fancy Bob 1 more than Bob 2, so not a total loss. Bob 1 could do magic tricks).

My DF also does some wonderful form filling mistakes. He's put my mother's DOB incorrectly on a number of forms, and once said that his DOB was 31 November. Bless him.

Now that we're into the realms of spilling the beans on the fellow F-wits that we know and love... will share with you a habit of my DH who has actually done this a number of times...

I pull up and wait in car, engine running, at local supermarket cash point. DH goes and collects cash then turns and gets into the wrong car, sits in front passenger seat, looks around and usually notices something unfamiliar about it, e.g. cigarette packets then turns and gets out. Ladies usually take this surprisingly well and don't tend to scream at the strange man in their car but the last time it was quite a large man in the driving seat and poor DH almost wet himself!

I was trying to get some parents to buy raffle tickets today for an Easter hamper, but everytime i asked someone it came out as Xmas hamper and they kept correcting me.
But i found it upsetting to myself that i did not even realise that i said Xmas instead of Easter.
I know i'm 40 this year but what will i be like at 60?
My excuse is that i've got so much going on in my head that i haven't got room for things like asking for donations

My DH once went to a petrol station with his PA.

When we go somewhere in a car we usually go in mine, because it has DS's car seat, and I usually drive.

But he was in his own car. And she was in the passenger seat.

He went to kiosk to pay, came back to car, went to passenger door, opened it and got in. Onto her lap.

ROFL georgimama!

When DS1 started school, I was ridiculously over-excited at the thought of the Cake Sales, because I'm just so wonderful at baking.

When the first one came around, I was a mixture of ambition and disorganisation. I wanted to make something fabulous but forgot to buy any ingredients. The night before the Sale, I eventually found a recipe that I had all the stuff for, something called a "Treacle Spice traybake", so I made that.

But that wasn't enough. I wanted everyone to know that I had made this delicious cake, so I also made a DISPLAY BOX for it!, out of cardboard, which said "Treacle Spice Traybake, made by Beautiful, DS1's Mummy!"

Oh God.

In the morning the traybake looked a bit unappetising, so I sprinkled lots of icing sugar on top and took it in, in its special box, and proudly handed it to the PTA woman who looked a bit bemused.

At 3pm, I went to the Sale to see how many people had raved over my offering. There I saw it: during the day, the icing sugar had melted into the black treacle in the sponge, turning it into a weird dappled grey/green colour. It looked exactly like it had gone mouldy. If you've seen an algae-covered pond or mossy gravestone, you've seen my traybake. It sat there, ignored and avoided by everyone, in its box. Its special home-made box with my name, and DS1's name, written on in massive letters...

I know it's a bit late, but unless your friend is Douglas Adams he/she has been telling you porkies with that biscuit story ithinkimtallandblonde

Got to bump this 'cos it made me weep with laughter.

3 of my favourites... (part 1)

Friends were leaving one evening,and I was on the doorstep - meant to wave goodbye and started clapping instead

Apparently the two areas in your brain are closely connected. Didn't stop my other friends from falling about laughing however.