Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

i think op was very brave to post.she even said in op 'I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really'.

personally not for me though.

Feminism does seem to have gone unnoticed by some men and women.

Otherwise MN wouldn't have loads of threads from women complaining re their dhs. The current generation of adult men should in theory have been brought up with at least some awareness of feminism

I really get this Beautiful. If you are a SAHM, there is a real sense of job satisfaction in making sure the house runs smoothly and everyone is looked after (even if you're not actually, I have a demanding job 2 days per week)

On my days at home, I do my best to make sure DH doesn't have to do much at home (although he does do bath and bed-time which he sees as a privilege)

On the days I'm out at work, I am very much in charge when I'm there and much more likely to phone DH and say I'm running late/in the pub than he is and he's happy to support me and collect kids/get dinner etc, which I appreciate of him, as much as he does me on the days I'm at home.

This is from the website...

How Do You Rate Your Marriage?

It is a very good thing to rate your marriage, to see in what direction you need to grow. You can rate your marriage by taking the following test:

( ) Extremely Happy: My marriage is all I had hoped and dreamed it would be. My husband cherishes me and would do anything to make me happy. He treats me like a queen.
He is protective and devoted to me, also very romantic and often tells me he loves me.

( ) Very Happy: My husband loves me and we have a good relationship. We do have certain problems but I understand this is normal. He treats me with kindness, respect and often tells me he loves me.

( ) Happy: I have a good, solid marriage that I think will endure. We have some problems between us and frequent friction but I feel he essentially loves me, although he does not often express it. There is a strong bond between us.

( ) Mediocre: Although we have no serious, threatening problems, our marriage is rather dull and uninteresting. My husband is critical of me, neglects me, takes me for granted, doesn't do things for me or take me places. He usually shows little interest in making our marriage better.

( ) Unhappy: I am disappointed in my marriage. My husband doesn't understand me, is harsh and critical, spends most of his spare time away from home, is usually cold and indifferent, but not necessarily in sex. He keeps his thoughts to himself, seldom tells me he loves me and doesn't do anything he doesn't have to.

( ) Very Unhappy: My husband is cold and indifferent towards me and acts like he doesn't like or respect me. He is soften harsh and critical. He never does thoughtful things for me or appear to care about his home life or the children.

( ) Desperately Unhappy: My husband has told me he doesn't love me anymore, and that he doesn't enjoy being around me or the children. He doesn't have an interest in marriage, or making any improvements, and acts like marriage is something to be endured rather than enjoyed.

If you rate near the bottom, and think there is no hope for you, let me enlighten you. No matter where you rate on this chart you can rise to the top and even beyond. It is all a matter of following certain universal laws as I have explained in Fascinating Womanhood. Everything in this life is governed by law! There are laws governing science, math, chemistry, music, the planets as they move in their orbit, and the laws of nature and growing things. Just as certain, just as predictable are the laws of human relationships. If you are obedient to these laws you will have success. The success of Fascinating Womanhood has been phenomenal. In all of these 42 years since it was first published, the success has been tremendous, reaching women of every race, religion and culture.

you must have low self-esteem if you want to do this

"In all of these 42 years since it was first published, the success has been tremendous, reaching women of every race, religion and culture. "

That is the biggest load of bollocks I have heard in a while.

A billion women in every race, religion and culture aren't reading this book and putting its words into practice, they are shoe-horned into a traditional subservient role, squashing down their own needs and wants until they resemble nothing but servants.

Sorry, but this is really annoying me.

My grandmother was exactly likes this in the fifties - perfect wife with four children making sure her husband was happy and having absolutely no idea about financial matters. And what did he do? Right royally pissed on her (metaphorically!) - that's what. He shagged anything in sight and even bought home his mistresses so that they could all have dinner together - and my grandmother was such a doormat that she let it happen. He then left her and legged to another city, she was penniless and eventually had to find work in factories to make ends meet. Finally when she had enough money for a small mortgage, being a woman she couldn't get one, so her eldest son had to sign for her .

No wonder she was bitter and incredibly twisted in the end.

There is not a single way conceivable that I would want to be like that.

what happens if you have a shite day at home with the kids? and are in a terrible mood? have a headache? don't feel like having everything perfect when the Great man gets home?
do you not matter?

am sorry but this is absolute absolute crapola

or maybe i am exceedingly lucky in having a dh who doesn't expect his wife to be a doormat??

flipping freakin nora, honestly

"you must have low self-esteem if you want to do this"

IMVHO it is the women who are openly aggressive towards men and who are most vociferous about needing a job in order to feel fulfilled who have the lowest self-esteem.

It is high self-esteem that enables you to take control of your own life.

Blimey . Haven't read this whole site but the OP made me feel a bit queasy. Do people really buy this sort of shite?

BEAUTIFUL, I have been reading this with great intrest. IMHO most of what you are doing gets dressed up as bing FLY on other threads, the rest is you feeling better about yourself. WHATS THE PROBLEM???????????

I think Beautiful has hit upon some truths.

Relationships blossom when the individuals feel empowered. For me that happened when I went back to work ft post baby but I can see something like that happening for Beautiful as she has felt empowered by trying to do her SAHM job well.

Likewise the advice about having peaceful evenings is great. I am on mat leave now and feed the kids at 5pm (was 6.15pm when I was at work). They are in bed or ready for stories when Dh gets home. BUT I do this for me as well as him. It gives us time to be adults and look after each other.

I think people do respond to being thanked and appreciated for what they do. My dh and I are always thanking each to other for whatever meanial thing we have recently done. I actually think he first started doing it but it is a habit with both of us now.

You can do all those things and enjoy doing them but it is very frightening when it is dressed up as being for HIM. Do it for yourself and you may feel even more empowered by it.

Yes, the same as idoliketobebesidethe. Its the same at our house - kids settled ready for bed when dh comes home = lovely time for us all. Kids not ready = havoc + stressed parents. DH helps out plenty when he is at home. He loves having his tea ready. I love him stroking my hair/giving me a massage. I also love cooking - shoot me!

About the doormatty thing...

I always cook (I like to, and DH can't), and felt it was fair that DH cleared the table/loaded the dishwasher afterwards.

He did this sometimes but more often didn't. or he left it SO late that I got annoyed and did it myself. I nagged, I asked, I "helpfully reminded", I pointed out how it was FAIR that he did it... Nothing.

Since I started this new regime, obviously I have no expectation that he clears the table. You know what? He now says, "Sit down. it is MY job to clear the table." And he does it all proudly. Without being reminded. Happily. Off his own back. Isn't that what we all want?!

nothing wrong with making things nice for your other half and being nice to them. That's what marriage is. It's the scary stepford context that's the problem, some recasting of the social norms of the past that stilted our mothers' and grandmothers' lives, and the idea that it's the woman's job to save the marriage and make everything ok by massaging the husband's ego with NOTHING IN RETURN.

Anna8888, I can see the link between aggression and low self esteem, but why would feeling fulfilled through work mean a woman had low self-esteem?

mil advised me to buy a corby trouser press 'as a present to myself' when i married dh. but even she would probably tellyou where to shove this book.

Beautiful I would just like to say that I rate my marriage as number 2: Very Happy on your scale - I would love for it to be number 1 on that scale but I can't see it happening, even if I employed some of your ideas from this book because I KNOW DH would just think - Yeah! This is how it should be!

He has latent chauvinistic tendencies - for e.g. can't for the life of him see that it is any of his business to clean the house, and does have to be persuaded to do the hoovering for me (I have bad sciatica and hoovering is quite painful). I do praise him already when he does stuff but he is a laurel-sitter.

The thing that saves us from more problems is that we are both quite similar people and self-aware - he is fighting his latent chauvinism but if I pandered to them in any way, they would spring to the fore.

I disagree Anna

DH and I both treat each other in a respectful and loving way because we want to and we always have done. If I am having a hard time he takes over all the domestic stuff. And vice versa.

For a woman to want to do it without expecting it in return seems odd.

And what is all this "openly aggressive towards men?"

You don't have to be aggressive towards someone to not want to be a total doormat

Sometimes its hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times
And he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand
But if you love him you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him
Oh be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man
Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

Well if it works

I suspect my DH would smell a rat if I started acting like that.

If it's all about being appreciative and kind to each other, then that's fine with me and I know that when we both make an effort life is less bumpy, but it has to be mutual.

Anyway I won't fall on my knees and worship any man for less than 400k a year. I have my principles