Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

Custy! Yes, it was a joke. Tazer, food, discipline - joke. Apron NOT a joke, but i don't care, it's pretty.

Have only just found this, and will save the whole thread to read as a treat tomorrow! Meanwhile Beautiful- good luck to you...it sounds to me like you are choosing something consciously rather than accepting an inferior position out of fear or brainwashing, and if it's working for you and you are enjoying it, then I'm not gonna knock it. The taser did make me giggle tho! If you can keep your sense of humour through the flaming I'm sure you've had all night, then you must be pretty bloody happy and relaxed, so you must be doing something right

Well, no, i mean DH doesn't choose my clothes for me and force me into the apron.

oh GOD. I'm going to bed now. DH is applying a small electrical current to my collar, that means he is in the mood.

Seriously, thanks for slapping me about the money. Honestly. I'll let you know when the joy of selfless giving in all other areas runs out!

I agree with those saying what would the differnence be if he did it for you instead? Why should it be you?

I don't think anyone should be that way, it's awful and not living for themselves at all.

"Why should it be you?" Does it matter who makes the initial effort to improve a partnership, as long as one of you does?

What I'm tying to say is that I am getting a lot out of this "experiment" too. The house is calm, I have time to spend with the DC and long, happy evenings with DH, who suddenly no longer buries himself in his office upstairs but is always, always around.

I look at the lovely atmosphere in our house, the candles burning, the empty laundry basket, the lovely meals, everyone smiling, and I think, "I did this!"

I'm going to shut up about it now and come back in a month or two and let you know how it pans out. I might return frazzled and resentful, clutching divorce papers (but not red bank statements, thanks to Custy), or I might float back in beaming and glowing and completely exhausted from non-stop rogerings. Who knows? I'm happier now than I was.

I'm actually sassier and feistier at home than I was before, weirdly. You know how lovely it is at the start of relationships when you are really into them, and interested in them, and you look nice and are busy, you don't hang around insecurely but can appreciate them and be enthusiastic about them? I feel just like that. Which sounds odd, as I am doing such a lot for other people, but it's true.

Anyway. Bye! I'll send you postcards later.

Beautiful - thank you for coming back and explaining yourself more - I am v. impressed at your resilience!

And so glad that the evangelical scales have fallen from your eyes so that you can see that not ALL the recommendations are ideal!

I have to say, it sounds like your DH has blossomed like a wilting flower under the gentle rainfall of your new persona, and that says quite a lot about him too. It might not work with other men - Pooter's DH for e.g. might just kick back and think "yes, this is how it should be, more beer woman". (sorry Pooter if that's not right).

I have a friend who was never much into housework until she and her DH moved to the States for his work - she wasn't allowed to work, no work permit, so she devoted herself to being a housewife and suddenly started to really enjoy it. So I know that it can happen and it was her choice etc. But I think the bit that got everyone's goat on this thread is that it ALL seemed to revolve around "pleasing your man and making HIS life easier", not about making a partnership more effective.

I am going to bed now, but glad that you are enjoying your newfound way of life -I hope it continues to bring you joy.

Dittany -- I feel like I put all the initial effort in, to get the ball rolling, but after that first push it's been both of us together. I can't explain it. He is just a lot sweeter. You think like I'm being a doormat, I feel like I've just taken charge of my life, started dressing better, organised my day, stopped controlling DH, taken responsibility for my home, got on with stuff and Stopped Moaning.

Fark, 2am! Night. x

Thumbwitch -- thanks!

morning all

< phew >

beautiful, your last post, if you had just said you were doing those things for you, no-one would have batted an eyelid

I always make sure I look nice, I am organised, I don't try to control anybody, but I do it for me not for anyone else including my dh

and I would expect him to do the same for himself, including taking responsibility around the house because he wants it to look nice

you sound a lovely person, and I never thought you were a troll

if you want to live this way, do it, but never take your eye off the ball, reading MN should tell you that!

good luck there. glad your keeping a financial eye.

Shit!
Is this for real?
I said I was the same in as much as DH is a lazy git, BUT he will do things around the house without complaint.
I have my own money, car, life. I don't answer to him, if anything he answers to me.
I do the chores as I am at home more than him, but if I wasn't here he would manage.
I wouldn't be any fuckers slave! (sorry anyfucker.)
You must have no self esteem.

Don't think DOORMAT position would suit me.

Beautiful makes some interesting points. She probably doesn't konw it but she is using basic applied behaviour principles to get the best out of her dh.

Someone has to break the cycle of anger and resentment that can poison so many longterm relationships and she has been the one to do it.

This area is the subject of my MSc and if anyone would like to know more (in a very fun, wasy to read but academically water tight manner) about this,may I recommend the paperback
Don't shoot the dog by karen Pryor

A classic standard text.

I think I would get a major 'back flow' if I had to 'adopt' this change. Maybe I choose the wrong men >...

I have a nurturing tendency anyway. I like to cook lots and sit a guy down and watch him enjoy eating it (but get really peeved if he just gets up and reads the paper on the sofa). I would have difficulty on the small scale things. I couldn't see myself smiling and handing him the dishcloth to wipe up... I would expect him to do it anyway without prompting... just a small example. I don't want to train anyone. I'd look for these things beforehand...

Mutual respect/appreciation should come naturally and this you find out before you 'live' together. You can be nurturing away there, and he thinks he's got it made and lapses off. OUt goes respect and appreciation and you are left with animosity in the longrun... much of what happened in the 50's.

My Mum was that generation/'get the tea on the table for when Dad came in'... and she was an alcoholic. (Although Dad was a lovely tender man). And having said that, we didn't know what the half of what went on between them. I know she always complained he kept her short moneywise... had a viscious tongue... but there were lots of things I recall that were good. No infidelity, he always kissed her and swept her off her feet for a quick snog when he came home, ... but in a lot of respects, she wore the trousers and eventually as we got older, we did most of the 'household chores'... so what did she do?... Hangon, she worked fulltime... then got slowly pissed in the armchair... Yeah she was happy...

Surely the point of womens rights is that a woman can choose how she wants to live her life...if this "method" works for beautiful then great.

It was written in a time when most married women didnt work and would have the time to do this...the majority of women work now so in a fair partnership the husband should be sharing the parenting/housework.

Im a WAH mum so as I only work part time and am here I tend to do a lot of the house/child related stuff although DH does get firmly informed when his input is needed

It does surprise me how many mothers who work full time get to work all day then do ALL the housework/childcare too - it does seem to me that perhaps they arent getting the great deal they think they are.

I do try to make a point of being appreciative rather than just pointing out the next job he has outstanding about the house, but not so much that he gets too used to it

Thaht's interesting Moondog.

I've just had a look at a few of the reviews of the book you linked to - the one about the farmer and the horses is great

I can't see that one Mercy.
It is fab though. Learning about Behaviourism has changed my life both personally and professionally.

Even I can sort of see the 'behaviour modifying' stuff might work - it's the same as you do with DC: praise them for being good, pick your battles etc. But the main drawbacks are that a lot of already-lazy/selfish men will not become 'sweeter' under this treatment - and it is buying into the idea that women exist for men's benefit, that keeping a man happy is the focus of a woman's existence, and never seems to address the obvious, sensible solution to a lazy selfish man which is kick the fucker out. Being single is far more satisfying than living like a slave anyway.

There is some truth to what you say SGB, but there is also truth in us all being conditioned by our environment (and in turn being changed by it). Thus one must always factor oneself in as parto f problem and therefore part of solution when dealing with someone not behaving in desired manner.

This is not just airy fairy speculation. Years and years of water tight research demonstrate this time and time again.