I'm so tempted to say I was trolling. it would be an easy escape route, and the only way I can think of to avoid having to delete my profile and run away to some other, cosier, more doormatty forum...
But I wasn't. I did in fact read a self-help book, in real life, honestly, and got all swept away. I'm glad you have forced me to realise that I have been somewhat brainwashed by the scary book. (The woman who wrote it was a Mormon!)
OK. I just checked the bank accounts and all the money is still where it should be, so phew. That bit I won't, on balance, pursue.
But, I like the rest. The arguments do vanish when you take control of an area of the marriage (in this case, the home) and throw yourself into it 100%. there are good points made in the scary book about housework. Namely: If you just do enough to get by, you will not enjoy it. The joy comes in "Going the second mile".
This I have found to be true. I've been laying the breakfast table the night before with bowls, cereals, etc. In the morning it is lovely. we all eat together well, when my DH allows me to have food, of course and it is much calmer.
What else? I will stand by the "make the house peaceful when he comes home" idea. Don't slag that off until you have tried it at least once. It is lovely.
I used to criticise DH's driving. He is a good driver, but faster than I am. I used to flinch and twitch when we got past 75. I have stopped that. He actually thanked me yesterday for not saying anything about his driving! He said it was a lot easier to concentrate without someone next to him yelping and covering their eyes every 5 minutes.
I have been using DS2's morning nap to have a shower, put make-up on and get nicely dressed. that has boosted my confidence endlessly, and the application of mascara now means I can actually look people in the eye when I go out. I have been wearing an apron (a 50s style, polka-dot one), which is actually quite good fun when you can do it out of choice and not because it's what your Overlord laid out for you to wear.
I have meal-planned, and cooked in advance, so our evenings are calm.
I have encouraged DH to talk about his work, to the extent that he says he now thinks of us as being "in it together" (since I am no longer trying to impress him, but am letting him impress me).
I no longer feel guilty, or lazy. I'm not gazing at the dishwasher in fury, I just empty it. It takes approximately 1 minute. I leave the messy, dirty jobs for him to do and he does them cheerfully, because he knows I appreciate it.
When DH asks for my advice I give it to him. But, I don't offer it unsolicited any more. This makes me feel less like his Mum, and makes him feel that I trust him. Instead of worrying about my DH, I concentrate on my stuff.
What else? Oh, I appreciate his discipline in the bedroom, and know that the Taser is actually helping me be a better wife...
The atmosphere is lovely, really. I have got a lot more out of this than I have put in. I think what's good if you don't go 100% brainwashed like I did before (thanks to everyone for the virtual slapping the only language I understand...) -- is that this has helped me show him love in the ways he responds to (the admiration, trust, acceptance, etc) which has made him feel understood and accepted, and much, much lovelier to me.
For example -- before this, I wanted him to call me every day from work. I used to nag him. (Eek.) When I did the bit about "acceptance", I stopped trying to change him, and just thought, "He isn't that chatty, he's busy at work, leave him alone." Because I could let that go and feel happier, he of course now calls me every day because he wants to.
So maybe there is a middle ground. Learning to accept your partner for who he is, right now, and concentrating on what YOU can put into your marriage rather than what YOU will get out of it, is a much healthier way to live.
If I'm delusional about that, I don't want to be talked out of it!
But yes, you're right about the money.