Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

ok. Not the assignments. They don't confuse me.

Dog ate the homework miss

Basically I'm bored stiff at home.

That's why I'm spending too much time on mn and not doing the suff that I should be doing. And it all ends in resentment somewhere down the line when I don't have time any more.

TheInvisibleManDidIt...If the kids (I have 2 boys too) recall any of this, it's likely just to be "remember those 3 weeks when mum was weirdly nice to dad, then stabbed him in the neck with a knife?"

But anyway... This isn't about being robotically lovely all the time. You can say what you think. The book does say, though, that when push comes to shove, DH has the final say. I honestly don't know how that will/would affect them in future relationships.

Is it only his masculine virtues we're allowed to admire? Dh knits beautiful Fair Isle jumpers and makes a succulent chicken pie- should I try to ignore him at these times?

But I really feel that should be a valid concern. Surely that's what it all boils down to- are we doing the best for our children.

If teaching them by your actions that the man always has the final say then I personally don't believe this is a good thing. This is not, in my opinion, something I want my boys thinking. They are being brought up to believe that eveyone in the family has an equal say in things.

And fwiw, I would rather my sons grow up thinking; 'remember how mum and day always tried to respect each others opinions even though they didn't always agree with eachother' rather than "remember those 3 weeks when mum was weirdly nice to dad, then stabbed him in the neck with a knife?"

oh beeeeeejesum. Apologies if i missed anything interesting between pages 4 and 16 of this thread,but my eyeballs were starting to burn with irritation at everyone's responses.

Beautiful i am going to buy a copy of the book and read it tout suite. where shall we meet for our stepford moment? should we come in disguise??

Trying to do my assignment (it's all right, Beautiful, momentary queasiness has passed) and getting more and more bewildered.

Do you mind just giving me some handy clues so I can identify which of dh's virtues and qualities are manly virtues and qualities. I am afraid of doing irreparable damage to our marriage by going and admiring the wrong ones.

Dh, as far as I have been able to observe during the last 25 years:

has a great sense of humour

deals well everyday minor family disasters, including the vomit-mopping variety

is a kind and caring person

knits nice jumpers (the blue ganseys are possibly the best)

is not touchy or easily offended and does not bear grudges

is capable about the house

bakes reasonable bread and makes excellent pies

also very good at jam- and jelly-making

and is good with the children

is sensible with money

is reasonably sober and well behaved

Now please, which of these are his masculine qualities? And if I happen to share one of those (such as being good with money or with children), would that mean it is a masculine quality in me...should I try to be more feminine?

MASCULINE VIRTUES (from the book)

Active Agile Alert
Articulate Artistic Assertive
Athletic Attentive Authoritative
Bold Boyish Brave
Brilliant Business acumen Calm
Capable Caring Charming
Cheerful Child loving Clean
Comforting Confident Conscientious
Considerate Contented Co-operative
Courteous Cultured Curious
Decent Dependable Determined
Devoted Devout Dignified
Diligent Disciplined Discreet
Distinguished Dress Sense Dynamic
Earnest Educated Effective
Efficient Elegant Eloquent
Encouraging Entertaining Enthusiastic
Exuberant Fair Faithful
Firm Fit Flexible
Fluent Forgiving Friendly
Gallant Gardener Generous
Gentle Genuine Gifted
Good Good driver Good navigator
Gracious Grateful Handsome
Handyman Happy Healthy
Helpful Humorous Honest
Honourable Hospitable Humble
Impressive Ingenious Innovative
Inspiring Intelligent Interesting
Insightful Jovial Joyful
Keen Kind Knowledgeable
Leader Likeable Lively
Logical Long suffering Lovable
Loving Loyal Lucky
Manly Masculine Masterful
Mature Moderate Modest
Money manager Musical Neat
Nice Smile Noble Non Smoker
Nostalgic Obliging Open
Optimistic Orderly Out going
Passionate Patient Peaceable
Perceptive Perfectionist Persistent
Personable Persuasive Photogenic
Playful Pleasant Poetic
Poised Polished Polite
Popular Positive Powerful
Practical Prayerful Precise
Profound Progressive Prominent
Prosperous Protective Prudent
Punctual Qualified Reasonable
Refined Relaxed Reliable
Resilient Responsive Righteous
Robust Romantic Rugged
Scholarly Secure Selfless
Sensible Sensitive Sentimental
Serious Sincere Singer
Slim Sober Solid
Spiritual Spontaneous Sportsman
Stable Strong Steady
Strict Suave Subtle
Successful Superior Supportive
Tactful Tall Tanned
Tender Thoughtful Tolerant
Trusting Trustworthy Truthful
Vigorous Virile Warm
Wealthy Well built Well groomed
Wholesome Wise Witty
Youthful

yeah, what's a MASCULINE quality? Wrestling grizzly bears? I've really drawn a blank on this one; I'm serious, what's a masculine quality? Earning lots, lifting weights? Please enlighten me.

Wow.
One heck of a man!!
Not a good cook though, so jam, pies and bread making are out the window Cory!

And Chicken curry for my Dh. What a pity and he prides himself on his curry too!

So where's the jumpers? And the jam? I see Gardener makes the list but he isn't really that keen on gardening.

And why are Cheerful, Child loving or Clean masculine virtues? Rather than just virtues?

I love the list though. I can just see myself waking dh up with a cup of tea in the morning and murmuring: 'Darling, you are so Dignified and Suave.'

That list, above, contains her suggestions for "manly virtues". When I started the book, I was so pissed off with DH that I couldn't think of a single good point (he has a lot, I was just in a bad mood). But I read through that list and he has almost half those qualities.

dittany -- I'm really conscious that I haven't replied to many of your posts on here, and I'm sorry, but I just don't know how to answer your questions. I really like your posts but I just don't share your vehement opinion of this subject. I just can't take it that seriously. I really, really don't mean to ignore you, but you've floored me.

I know, and have known, several happy and stable couples where one partner is acknowledged as the boss/superior/dominant partner and the other caters to the dominant's needs and wishes and finds contentment in the submissive, secondary, servicing role.
The thing is, the really happy couples in this situation are a) active in the BDSM/fetish scene and tend to spend a lot of time discussing roleplay, power exchange and how to make relationships work and b) in the majority of cases it's the male partner who is submissive/takes on the servicing role.
So I don't really have a problem with a couple adopting specific roles after sufficient discussion to establish that this is what they both want (and that they will renegotiate if one partner becomes unhappy and/or circumstances change dramatically).
What I do have a problem with is the evangelical tone of some of the OP's suggestions, which really do boil down to 'Women! Eat shit! It's your DESTINY', the idea that roles are inherent and depend entirely on whether or not you have ovaries (if this was true, there wouldn't be so many women who hate housework and so many men who are happy to do it) and the idea that whatever works, or might work, in one relationship, will work for everyone.

hello there beautiful, im not going to take the piss tonight.im just wondering how exactly do you view your behaviour toward your dh??? in all but name you are acting like a mother who has a small child(toddler),who will try anything to stop the tantrums and general brattyness.do you realise how insulting it is too simper up to someone all the time?,that the perfection your are aiming for is just an illusion.how can you have a properly functioning relationship with your husband?.its not normal to want to please someone all the time?its not healthy, its passive agressive and i am honestly worried for you.apart from that do you honestly believe you can mentain such a tremendous burden you have placed upon yourself? i feel you have forgotten why your dh had chosen to be with you, did he not consider that he may prefer the orignal you ,(who he married)and not the stepford version.ive never met a man who married his wife because she kept a good house and was always agreeable.they love us for different qualities, our looks ,our intellegence,our sence of humour, our individuality as human beings,our talents and our ability to be forthwrite and outspoken when needed.how can your personality shine when its being hidden behind your husbands. sometimes we all need someone to tell us when we are being a twat/ a brat/ a lazy soandso ect.everyone could benifit from an occasional kick up the arse now and again(verbal of course...its stops us making too many mistakes and gives us a reminder we all have personal boundries).a good relationship is equal in all aspects,its give and take where you both can support and help each other, where you equally share lifes troubles and rewards.having someone love you means all of you ,all the time, even when you arent perfect.

your choice of nickname is very telling in itself ,beautiful, why that one? do you have a inner turmoil about an outer apperance? do you think dh is more attractive and so you have to compensate???if im wrong ,appoligies ,but i have been wondering....

I am convinced that my DH is a good man, through and through. And a good husband and father.

Being a good man and true, he does not need me to be submissive and pander to his ego.

You don't need to do this stuff Beautiful, I'm sorry that you think you do.

You've been very good humoured in your responses. Can I ask you to think about a couple of things?

1. The role model you are setting for your children of either gender

1. The women who protested and died for you to have equal rights

1. The women in the world who are forced to serve their menfolk to the detriment of their own aspirations, comfort, talents and skills

1. The women in the world who are denied education and skills because their societies believe as you seem to believe that women exist only to serve men

Please think about these things and consider whether servitude is what you want. Also think about whether it is morally right for you to evangelise in this way.

Dittany: I remember going right off Paula Yates (who I had up until then previously rather liked as a brash, funny writer) when she put out a book saying 'WOmen, don't have careers, stay home'.

Oh, and Beautiful - that list of 'masculine' qualities... are you seriously trying to suggest that WOMEN are never pleasant, or loyal, or fair? As a list of admirable human qualities that is reasonably comprehensive, but I don't think I spotted a single one that is only found in human beings who are devoid of wombs.