Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

Beautiful, if this is working for you, I am happy for you - and I hope it continues to work . I myself am trying out a strategy on my DP after recent problems - nothing like this, but a strategy nonetheless which involves not rising to any of his negative comments or behaviour. Have to admit it IS working, BUT the good thing is he is also doing things for me, like doing some cooking, fixing ME a drink when I come home later than him from a hard day in the office, etc.

The point I am trying to make is, thinking of what will please our men is fine, as long as it results in them reciprocating. If it's all one way, you will, eventually, resent it like hell and feel you are a lesser person. That's what led to Women's Lib in the first place. In the 1930s there was an 'illness' called 'Housewife's Syndrome', basically depression and nervous exhaustion, due to intelligent women forcing themselves to be the Angel in the House.

My ex MIL advised both me and my exH to 'give a lot and take a little'. If you BOTH do that, it can work. If you are giving and he is taking, it won't.

And I am now off to get my lobotomy op....

BEAUTIFUL, I do think that you obviously are trying hard to make your family a happy, close one, and if this is owrking ofr you thats great.

However all the liks and quotes I've seen so far on this thread scare me! So bascially, a man can't help the way he is, shouldn't try to change it, because when it comes down to it, it's all a womans fault anyway.

So when he lies, cheats, treats you badly and just generally acts like an arse, it's his wifes fault and she has bsically made him behave like this?????

My dh isn't perfect. He drives me mad sometimes. But then I'm not perfect either, and I know for a fact I drive him absolutley nuts at times. BUT we love each other for who we are. I do not need to become the perfect housewife for him to respect me. Our house does not need to be perfect and well organised for us to be happy.

I also think an important part of bringing up my sons involves me teaching them how to take care of themselves, and that they are responsible for their own actions. I'd be concerned that by having a 'stepford' mother they would be getting the wrong impression of how all realtionships are, and grow up to have quite a chauvinistic attitude towards woman.

God, I need to check my typing before posting!!! working for, links, basically.

See, that's how much this book has scared me!! I can't even type properly!!!

Why are we still on this thread when we should be in our high heels and pinny, preparing a delicious meal and cocktails for our lords and masters?

wonder what gay women do who want to follow this philosophy. One could be the husband one week and one the next. now there's an idea!

I agree with InvisiblsMan, what's so wrong about this is the underlying blame factor.

If a woman is a nagging harridan, not subservient enough, not nice enough to her man etc etc - that's her fault.

OTOH if her man is lazy, uncaring, rude, disrespectful, not nice to her in whatever way, that's .... oh yes, HER fault, because she's responsible for behaving in a certain way in order to earn his respect, affection and decent behaviour.

Or make that

BEAUTlFUL on Tue 25-Nov-08 10:50:39

"This I thought was interesting: The author mentions how much of the time a man is looking for admiration when he says something, and we miss that and say something accidentally annoying in reply, pushing him away without realising it.

EG, you know when men say, "I've washed the dishes", "I've hoovered", "I've fed the cat", etc? And we think, "YES? AND? I've done that a billion times since we married!"

He is actually looking for admiration when he tells us those things. So when we reply, "Did you? Well, aren't you brilliant. Look at that. Perfect!" we have given him what he wanted, and he feels happier and closer to us.

Why not? Doesn't hurt, does it?

Or, when he grumbles about money, he is often just looking for recognition and (again) admiration."

My problem with this is that it views the husband as childlike and insecure, someone whose ego has to be constantly propped up by a more mature and understanding woman.

IME there isn't that much to choose between dh and me in terms of confidence and emotional maturity. We both need propping up from time to time. But what he does not need is someone making soothing baby noises to him every day ('Did you? Well, aren't you brilliant? Look at that!') That to me, sounds like someone talking to a two-year-old who's just learnt to pedal his trike.

Can someone tell me what happens to Stay-at-home-Dads? (have several among my circle of acquaintances).

Do they do the Stepfording or do they get Stepforded?

What do you reckon, Beautiful? If it's all about the SAHM job being valued, then surely the submission ought to be shown by the SAHD to the working wife. But if it's a man thing, then how does it go?

Oh my goodness, get a job, seriously. Do you want to teach your daughter that her only purpose in life is to serve a man?

Ahh, bravo cory! Some excellent points. I'm really enjoying this thread and I'm torn between thinking that the methods in the book probably DO work, and thinking that they're f**king insane
Gotta love Mumsnet! Nowhere else would you find fart pants and feminism in the same discussion...

I am a bit worried by this thread to be honest. Now that I've stopped giggling about it. There is a serious issue here.

We probably need Onebat or someone who knows how to dissect freedom of choice properly. But it seems to me that many women have been forced to be subservient to men. To embrace subservience may be a free choice. Alternatively it might be as a result of conditioning because it's always been a man's world.

I am worried about evangelising this sort of subservience. As someone has said already - for every woman for whom this is a choice willingly to be embraced there are hundreds for whom it is a moderate form of tyranny to be endured.

For those women who are oppressed by their husbands in this way, posters like Beautiful are validating the habits of the oppressors.

So I apologise for taking the piss. That was inappropriate. Oppression of women by men is too serious an issue.

On second thoughts I am afraid I shall be unable to join the OP and friends in her social experiment. You see, I married dh with a view to making him happy (amongst other things). Treating him like a toddler with insecurity issues is hardly going to be conducive towards this result.

I don't really need any sort of book to tell me that life will be happier if everybody keeps their nagging under control. But that means everybody. There's 4 people in this family. What we need (and have) is a no-nagging house rule, not a book addressing itself to one member of the family.

I don't really need any sort of book to tell me that life will be happier if everybody keeps their nagging under control. But that means everybody. There's 4 people in this family. What we need (and have) is a no-nagging house rule, not a book addressing itself to one member of the family.

just making my point against nagging, you see folks

Quattro, it's a bit late to try to repackage yourself as not a bully but a concerned upholder of women's rights, especially as you're still using your piss-taking log-in name.

Every single post I have ever made on MN is consistent with my upholding women's rights. I defy you to find one that isn't.

Taking the piss out of you was wrong, I acknowledge that. Wrong because of the posters who genuinely are oppressed. But initially I did not believe you could be serious. I genuinely believed you were a drunken troll. It seemed literally impossible. That's the degree of the gulf between our attitudes of mind.

I'm glad that I come on Mumsnet to jolt me out of my egalitarian little bubble and I am chastened by this thread.

Oh, never mind. The bit about the money ("he's so generous because he's got all my cash") genuinely made me laugh.

I'd love to be able to bookmark this thread for 5 years and find out if those appreciative husbands still are, or whether they are taking everything and much more for granted and are off looking for someone more interesting.

Anyway, right... My recruitment drive has not been the success I initially hoped for, but out of 370 messages, I think I have found 3 takers for the Great Mumsnet Stepford Challenge! Woo-hoo! My fellow brainless droids, please step this way.

Here is your first assignment:

SECRET NUMBER ONE

• Accept him as he is.
• Look to his good side.
• Don?t try to change him.
• Forgive him for past hurts.
• Allow him his freedom.
• Compile a list of his masculine virtues.

ASSIGNMENT ONE. Make a list of all your husband?s masculine virtues. Read them every morning and night. Continue this until you have committed them to memory.

ASSIGNMENT TWO. Forgive him in your heart for all the times he has hurt you in the past.

Your second assignment (Cory don't read this, you'll be physically sick):

SECRET NUMBER TWO

• Admire his masculine qualities.
• Never wound his sensitive pride.
• A man?s greatest need is to be admired for his masculine qualities.
• His deepest misery is to be belittled by a woman.

ASSIGNMENT ONE. Praise one of your husband?s masculine qualities before he goes to sleep tonight. Watch for his smile. (And his quizzical look of terror, we imagine.)

ASSIGNMENT TWO. By asking questions that require long, thoughtful answers, and giving admiration, try and have your husband talk to you about a past achievement, or a future dream, for at least five minutes. (Be openly attentive and strictly avoid interrupting him as he speaks.)

ASSIGNMENT THREE. Every second day, sincerely tell your husband how much you admire him for one of his virtues that you listed as part of last week?s assignment.
Touch him and smile as you do so. Continue doing this until you have praised him sincerely for all the virtues you have listed.

This is what confuses me all the time. Where's the balance?

I am a SAHM and Dh does do the dishes and stuff when he has time.

We both manage the finances (have a spreadsheet we use) so it's not as though I don't know what's where. and we take joint decisions on important stuff.

However, I keep oscillating (sp?) between cribbing over everything he says and biting my tongue just to keep peace. It's not that all the things I find irritating have to be iritating (as some dad said - leaves the drawers open - big deal - just close them) But others are where he veers towards treating me like a servant. But is it real or imagined? I don't know.

And I find reading threads like this on mn also alter my thinking (make me more paranoid about being treated badly??) when actually maybe there isn't really any issue??

BEAUTIFUL, I can see you have 2 dc from your profile. Are they boys or girls?

Can I ask how you think this 'facinating womanhood' is going to effect their opinions on relationships when they are adults? Because of a mother of 2 boys i don't think I would want my sons growing up thinking their future partners will be there to validate their every whim and excuse all their bad behaviour.

Why do you find yourself cribbing over everything he says? Is he irritating you, do you feel in competition with him intellectually, are you boiling with resentment...?