Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

OMG this thread is hysterical

I think I might try this book. I am very open minded and stuck in a rut with DH so why not?

Sign me up, what have I got to lose?

If it goes tits up I can always go back to my old ways of resenting my DH and being glued to the telly every night.

Might get a bit of good sex out of it

I'm with Dittany on this one. If you're happy with this Beautiful, then that is your right and your choice.
I just feel that so many women have been forced to be subservient to men and it's been that way because it's always been a man's world. My husband gets really angry if the house isn't tidy enough to his liking. On several occasions, he's lost his temper and really yeled at me for it. As a result, I'm now a nervous wreck and paranoid that he'll find fault when he gets home from work.
I'd give anything not be be a Stepford wife. I hate to think that women are being encouraged to pander to their husband's every whim and be the perfect domestic goddess. I think that most men would like nothing better than to go back to the days when women had no other choice but to scrub and scivvy for them so that they wouldn't have to do any of that boring, soul destroying crap for themselves.

"She says she feels quite sorry for us westerners, who have been taught to be so dissatisfied with our womanhood. Her comment has really stayed with me. "

How kind Next time this 'Westerner' feels disatisfied by earning her own money and not being afraid to tell her DH he's an arse when he is being one, and isn't afraid to allow a little grime into my house, I'll think of her sympathy and feel much better. And so will my womanhood.

Have only read page 1 of this thread. So apologies if this has already been said.

There was a woman like this on Wifeswap a couple of years ago - she called it being a mindful wife iirc.

Much as I may not agree with the philosophy behind this 'movement', I don't think anyone should be called a loon/troll or made to feel stupid by having an opinion or daring to post something that does not appeal to the masses. There's an awful lot of MN bullying on here (and other posts) and I'm glad to see the OP has not risen to the bait.

\link{http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/W/wife_swap/shows/08/manual_01.html/Here}

sorry here

Hmm- agree with SOME of it, but more from a point of view of being considerate to my DH- and expecting him to be considerate to me!!

I hear too many women bitching about their DHs/ DPs all the time, constantly nagging at them- I just don't want to be like that. My mum was forever nagging at my dad and putting him down, and I hated it (although he took it in remarkably good spirit!) Lots of women seem to treat their partners like kids and then moan when they are irresponsible/ immature etc. I understand that when DH comes home at night he has had a long day and a long commute, and probably wants 15 minutes to himself before I foist the kids on him, ranting about what a day from hell I've had....then once he's had his time out, I start with the foisting and the ranting .

I never nag- I have a "niggle list" on the wall, which DH works his way through as he sees fit. Ok, I give the odd gentle reminder (for things like seeing to the brakes on the family car!) but most of it can wait until he gets round to it, and surely it's better if he does things because he wants to, than because he's been nagged to? Guilt usually gets him off his butt to help out with the housework.

I am happy for him to have hobbies, and encourage him to go out on his bike/ motorbike- then he can't really say anything when I want to go to my gym classes or out with friends.

I do tend to do most of the "housewifey" stuff around the house- mainly because I chose to stay at home, but I see it as teamwork- he does his bit and I do mine, and we both appreciate each other (well, that's the theory- doesn't always work out that way, of course!!)

I don't see much wrong in trying to please your bloke and make life more pleasant for him if it means he does the same for you. Most of us when we first got together with our partners did exactly that, did we not?

Amberc, i don't think most of us were bullying Beautiful, we just couldn't believe she was being serious! there were some nastier comments but most of them felt fairly good-humoured - and i have been on nasty bullying threads before, verrry different feel to this one.

Beautiful, i apologise for assuming you were trolling - your later post did clarify more. You carry on - if it works for you, that's the important bit.

I think I'd rather hang myself. I'd certainly rather be single forever.

I think it would be a nice idea (has been done, of course), to have a thread for those trying to be less naggy/nicer to DHs/DPs.

Not about being less assertive or not standing up for yourself, or keeping silent about things that are really wrong, but just taking the active role in being loving and trying to cut down on griping.

My DH is wonderful but family life does wear you down, both of us tend to carp on about the same old things and speak impatiently, worse than one used to with flatmates for example, and you get into all that competitive tiredness thing and who took the bin out. I have noticed that the more I focus on who has done what, the less happy I am. Not to say I should do it all, but I've noticed that if I reach out to him and do something nice he really appreciates it and does something back, same with carping, if I cut down I notice he does too, just human nature.

If I made myself a total doormat, he might not appreciate it, but that's something different. And it's as two equal partners running a tight show, though, and both sharing work, childcare and household tasks. No connotations of Doris Day making the house a real home with her woman's touch.

I also think that a DH who sees you're tired and just voluntarily does some annoying task to take the burden off is so much more romantic than one offering some crappy flowers gesture or something. That's where you see the real man underneath!

Intersting thread - I guess not too many comments from men directly on the thread - but quite a few posters would scare off them off.

Gemzooks / JoolyJ - intersting posts - there are others there too. Maybe couples need to look at their relationships more and see what they can do for each other not because they have to but they want to. Seems this topic is 90% full of women saying they want to leave / change their relationships - the OP is doing something about that but in a more extreme way maybe.

Also been trying to do more to help DW and balance work / childcare / hobbies / fixing house up / helping DCs with hobbies & work etc etc and its always has its problems - some nice ideas like the niggle / fix list - maybe that would work and it needs to be both ways. My DW always leaves the dresser draws open in the morning - is it really a big problem - no just close them up.

Some posters here are very adamant women should be financially independant - doesn't have to be - we both work pay into a joint account and don't have a concept of my / your money. Sometimes DW says she pays x for childcare costs but I correct her and say its our joint money (in fact most comes out of my salary anyway for vouchers).

I'm not saying we go back to the 50s or 60s per se but there are examples and behaviours that could be adapted to make a relationship function better. I know we both respond and get on better when we try to get the little jobs done without nagging - and coming up with a few surprises once in a while.

It seems to work quite well for us - have been married for 20 years and were courting for 5 years before that. Have to work at relationship and providing for our family - which is undoubtedly what I'm most proud of having achieved in my life so far.

Thank you! Would you like a back rub?

"Maybe couples need to look at their relationships more and see what they can do for each other" -- THAT's the point. It's NOT mindless drudgery, it's taking on the responsibility of the house & children, and making your DH feel good about himself.

"But he should be doing that for you!" Well, he is, since I've stopped nagging him, started admiring him and cheered the fuck up. How many women on here have achieved anything by nagging their partners? Or at least, have made their partners do anything willingly and happily? Good for you if your partner does them already. Mine didn't.

Lots of MN posters are in lovely relationships. But lots aren't, and this is just a way to see if maybe the standard advice we dole out isn't the best.

OK, just looked at the Fascinating Woman website. There's a problem page:

"Dear Mrs. Andelin:

Many of your success stories are about women who were about to get a divorce, or even already divorced. In these stories it seems that if anyone just tiries hard enough any marriage can become better. But what about the possibility that one chose the wrong man in the first place? I am afraid that I was rather stupid and a bit desperate choosing my husband and now things are terrible. Before marrriage he was nice to me but now he tells me all the things he finds wrong with me. Any tiny mistake I make he notices, like he wants to turn me into something I am not. For a long time I have been blaming myself, telling myself that if I just became a better person, if I tried harder to become perfect, things would improve. But no matter how much I read your book or how hard I try, nothing changes. Can it be that I made an unwise decision in the first place, and now perhaps have spoiled both of our lives?

Dear friend,

If you feel you have choosen the wrong man to marry, there is nothing wrong with your getting a divorce, and the sooner the better, especially if you have no children. Divorce is an act of mercy, especially when there appears no other way. Moses allowed divorce for this reason. I am wondering if your husband also feels he has made a mistake in marriage and is treating you this way to provoke you to divorce him.

Before taking this step, however, take an honest look at your situation. It seems to me that you have been more concerned about your unhappiness in marriage than in doing the things that would make him happy. Do you let him know that you accept him, appreciate him, admire him and make him number one? Is your household clean and organized? Are you feminine in the way you dress and act? Are you a kind, generous and patient person?"

So your husband is treating you like shit and you are thinking about divorcing him, but first, why not have a little dust round the skirting boards and clear out the tinned food cupboard - that's the answer to your problems.

ooh, oh, please go and read this artcle on Snopes about that 1955 "how to be a Good Wife guide" - although it in itself seems to be a mock-up, the accompanying text has a list of the prevailing attitudes in the 1950s, which pretty much reflects what the article says.

"Some posters here are very adamant women should be financially independant - doesn't have to be - we both work pay into a joint account and don't have a concept of my / your money"

Well your wife is financially independent then, or at least your financial equal. Beautiful seems to think her husband should have control of all the money. Does that sound like a good idea? No, thought not.

Ok, I've now read an excerpt from this book and WTF?

See here.

...wish people would stop taking my name in vain..
how very dare they?

I love this excerpt from the book:

'I am not implying that there are not certain circumstances and emergencies when the wife should work, but the responsibility is the man's as we will learn in a later chapter.'

Fo what it's worth I do believe that BEAUTIFUL is not a troll and has read this book (or some of it) and is inspired (rightly or wrongly) and wants to talk about it. Just as you would be when you had read a a good book. I believe it's the subject matter that a lot of people are objecting to. What i don't undfderstand and is why some of the other posters are being really nasty to BEAUTIFUL. Just because you don't agree with it? Your world is not THE world!
What is with the swearing?!
I can understand what BEAUTIFUL is getting at and has picked the wrong place (obviously) to try and get 'recruits' so to speak.

I'm not totally opposed to some of the ideas (some are barmy!) but it's the lack of tolerance for those with different ideas and values and the way in which other posters have just shot down the original poster. It's just plain rude. Imagine for one second, outide your realm of experience, that there are others, and let them be!

Going now.....
(this is why I mostly lurk... )

"the responsibility is the man's as we will learn in a later chapter.'"

Well that's a get out clause for me then. DH don't earn enough to 'keep' me and the DC. Does that make him an unfascinating husband? I said earlier that I'd be prepared to prostitute myself be nice to a suitably wealthy man. Just didn't find one .

OP you and your crazy book are scaring me.

Rhubarb's fragrant farting pants are about the sanest idea on this thread.